thehardtimes

Hard Digest May 11: Early Access, Mother's Day, Stick and Pokes, Fashion Hacks, and More

Added 2024-05-12 00:00:13 +0000 UTC

Lone Woman in Metal Scene Completely Unaware She’s a Mother Figure to Almost Everyone

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Heavy metal fan and the lone adult female in the local metal scene, Kara Morgan, unintentionally became a maternal figure to nearly everyone in the community, anonymous sources close to the story report.

“[Morgan] is great. It’s like having a guardian angel who wears black leather and spiked gauntlets. We have become very protective of her,” remarked heavy metal fan Malcolm Hanson, wiping away a tear from his running corpse paint. “Kara’s always there to offer sage advice, lend an ear, or remind us to wear earplugs at concerts. It is really hard to show emotion around most of these guys, so it is nice to have her around. She’s the only one who remembers everyone’s birthdays and brings homemade cookies to band rehearsals. Plus, she always reminds everyone to drink water between each beer, which is essential for limiting hangovers.”

Morgan, however, remained blissfully unaware of her nurturing role within the metal scene.

“I just love the music and the community. At first, I wanted to make sure that the few girls that were around were treated nicely and taken care of. Soon, my house became like a haven for everyone,” Morgan explained after teaching a class in first-aid for pit injuries. “I had these big, bearded guys showing up wanting to learn how to cook something other than chili mac, or how to sew patches onto their jacket, or how to properly care for long hair. The thing is, I don’t really know how to do any of that shit either, but they blindly believe everything I say. Until I pick up a guitar, that’s when they all start giving me advice and tell me ‘I’m doing it wrong’ even though I’m way better than all of them. But I’m still happy to have them around, they will be embarrassed that I told you this but some just want to sit on the porch and talk shit they are going through over a few Jack & chamomile teas.”

Experts highlight the importance of nurturing figures like Morgan within tight-knit communities like the metal scene.

“Most of these people come from broken homes. They probably don’t even understand why they are gravitating towards her in the first place,” explained Dr. Emily Chang, a heavy metal sociologist. “The metal subculture is often associated with aggression and rebellion, having a maternal figure can provide a sense of stability and belonging. Kara’s presence demonstrates the multifaceted nature of identity and the power of nurturing relationships within unconventional social circles.”

As of press time, Morgan was reportedly preparing to drive a few members of the metal scene to their court hearings.

Some Recipes I Found and Also Alarming Crime in Your Area – Is This Near You? (Guest Column Sent From Your Mom’s iPad)

BY ARIELLE ANDREANO

Hi Sweetie,

I found some recipes I think you’ll really love. I know you said you don’t eat meat or fish anymore, so I found a few shrimp dishes for you. One of them tells you about nondairy substitutions – do you eat cheese? I can’t remember. Anyways, the Shrimp Scampi was a little too spicy for me but I know you put pepper flakes in everything I make so maybe you’ll like it. I also included a prosciutto flatbread recipe JUST IN CASE. Maybe you can make it for some of your little friends, okay? Or, you know, if you change your mind.

I heard on the news earlier that there’s been a lot of crime in your area! Lots of shoplifting, so be careful! I know you said you live Downtown – this seems to be happening in Beverly Hills. Is that close? Make sure you have your pepper spray with you. Have you been wearing the necklace we got you for high school graduation? Might be best to keep it in its box until this all blows over. I always told you living in a big city was going to be scary and it seems like the border is just a mess right now! But whatever makes you happy. Oh speaking of shopping centers, did you get that shirt your father and I sent you? I just wanted to check because we haven’t seen you wearing it in any of your Instagrams.

Did you hear that Celine Dion canceled the rest of her tour? Those poor fans. She said it was something about feeling stiff in the morning? I never liked her. Wasn’t she in that movie you like about the boat that sank? Speaking of movies, “Fried Green Tomatoes” was on TBS a few weeks ago.

I watched that gay pirate show you told me about. It made me cry! There’s a lot of interesting TV Specials coming up this month I think you might be interested in. I’m putting the link but I wrote out the entire schedule at the bottom anyways just in case.

We’re sending a care package for the cat so look out for that.

Oh also your father might have colon cancer. We’re waiting to hear back.

Love you!

Mommy

Sent from my iPad

Stick and Poke Artist Has Wide Range of Flash from Raccoon Saying ACAB to Pigeon Saying ACAB

BY MARIE CARTIER

PORTLAND, Ore. – Local tattoo enthusiasts are impressed with the variety of urban scavenger and anti-police themed flash available at a new stick and poke operation by artist Katie Watson, sources unconcerned with the possibility of infection report.

“I try to keep a high standard of hygiene,” said Watson from her workspace, a yoga mat on her studio apartment floor. “I have isopropyl alcohol and a whole roll of paper towels. My sharps container is a plastic soda bottle which the people at the needle exchange said was fine. I really strive, as an artist, to keep my flash relevant to current political themes and movements, and combine that with subjects my clientele will relate to. I think my classical training shows through in this selection of work: inspirations include Emory Douglas, Goya, and of course, the animals in the dumpster behind my building.”

In times of increasing economic hardship, many are relieved to find this quality of tattoo work at an affordable price.

“This is the most legit cheap, sketchy tattoo I’ve ever gotten!” said Dan Flores, aspiring professional skater and part-time budtender. “It actually looks like what it’s supposed to: A raccoon saying ACAB. And she barely even made me bleed. My twelve roommates back in our dilapidated house are thinking of having Katie do a guest spot next month in the kitchen. She’ll make 80, maybe even 90 bucks in a single weekend.”

However, not everyone buys into the new standard Watson is setting for stick and pokes.

“I don’t see why you have to get so bougie with birds and letters,” pointed out a local man only known as Yukon Doug. “I used to tattoo tons of people and I can’t even draw. What it’s really about is trying to make an abstract design until you can’t stand the pain. It’s not like you’re gonna let it heal properly anyway. My whole mission in life, at this point, is to take the ‘posers’ out of ‘pokes.’”

At press time, Watson was seen experimenting with new drawings of bats saying “fuck the police.”

5 Awesome Fashion Hacks to Tell the World “I Absorbed My Twin in the Womb!”

BY NATHAN KAMAL

Fashion trends come and go, but true style is deeply personal and unique. Clothing isn’t just something you wear or use to express your superiority in terms of band tees you chose to purchase from the local Buffalo Exchange. It tells the world that here I am, and no one is like me! Especially not any twin whom you overpowered during gestation and seized their potential strength for your own!

That’s why we’ve made this list of awesome hacks that anyone can use to stand out from the crowd, especially if they want to make sure that everyone around them knows that they are the victor in the terrible in-utero battle known as the “vanishing twin syndrome!” That’s right, stick with these fashion hacks, and the whole world will know you absorbed your twin in the womb!

Invest in Capsule Wardrobe

If you’re asking what a “capsule wardrobe” is, congratulations, you’re ignorant! It’s the easiest thing in the world to go minimalist and make sure all your clothing works interchangeably, thereby showing the world that you’ve got better things to do than actively match, and one of them was absorbing your genetically identical sibling!

Forget Day to Night, Try Two Twin Fetuses to a Single Winner

Sometimes, you’ll head into the office in one outfit, knowing that you plan to rage all night on a bender of Southern Comfort-branded cocktails and cocaine. But you don’t have to worry about transitioning from one look to another if you have the confidence that comes with knowing you won your first battle even before you splashed out of your mom!

Remember, confidence is sexy, and sex is fashion.

Scarves. Always Scarves

Like Steven Tyler and Johnny Depp before you, scarves that hide your sins are key to your fashion image. But there’s no reason to hide that you need the fact that your twin, who might have become an artist or a saint, couldn’t withstand being absorbed into your very essence! If anything, you should be proud. The scarves will hide all the other terrible things you’ve done, though.

Wear a Shirt That Says, “Ask Me About How I Absorbed My Twin in the Womb, and While They May Not Have Developed into a Fully Formed Human Being, I Can Still Hear Their Vengeful Whispers in the Dark of the Night!”

It’s a conversation starter, at the very least.

Always Leave One Thing Behind, Much Like an Unborn Twin

Style icon Coco Chanel said it best: “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and remove one accessory.” For an alleged Nazi collaborator, that lady knew how to put an outfit together, and she’s right. If there’s one thing you don’t need, it’s a twin who would surely have absorbed you first if given half the chance!