Hard Digest May 9: Brain Worms, Early Access The Hold Steady, Hangovers, Food Banks, and More

Trump Brags His Brain Worms Are Still Alive and Very Strong

BY MATT HUSSER

NEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump proudly declared that unlike Robert F. Kennedy Jr., his brain worms were still alive and “very strong,” sources confirmed during a brief recess at his hush money trial.

“Did you hear RFK’s brain worm died? Very sad…many people are talking about how weak his brain worm was. I wouldn’t know, I saw a doctor yesterday and you know what he said? Mr. President, you have the strongest and most brain worms I’ve ever seen,” said Trump, pointing to a supporter holding a ‘Make Brains Wormed Again’ sign. “It was so big he had trouble telling what was worm and what was brain, it was very impressive to him. He said RFK’s pathetic brain wouldn’t survive five minutes with my worms. Maybe I’ll show you. Should I show you the brain worms, folks?”

Trump supporters quickly rallied to get their own brain worms to support the former President’s ongoing campaign for a second term.

“We heard you loud and clear Mr. President, and I’ll proudly answer the call by getting my own TrumpWorm. I’m calling on every true patriot out there to help Donald Trump drain the swamp by drinking #swampwater4trump,” said MAGA patriot Blake Corman, filming himself dunking his head into a stagnant golf course pond and uploading it to Truth Social. “There’s a ton of scientific evidence out there that explains the benefits of brain worms. Humans only use ten percent of their brains, but this astrozoologist on Joe Rogan explained that brain worms eat away at the barrier tissue that helps you access more raw brain power.”

Independent Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. quickly fired back against Trump’s assertions that his brain worm died because it was feeble and unpresidential.

“My brain worm was not weak and small, it was so big that Timothee fucking Chalamet could have ridden it across my brain,” said an enraged Kennedy Jr., snorting more worms from a medical vial. “In fact, I’ve just ingested several more brain worms and any one of them would mop the floor with Trump’s brain worms on the debate stage. So how about it, Donald? You and me, wormo a wormo at the Libertarian National Convention. No, that’s too easy for someone of my worm’s intellect—I’ll cut it in half and have each end debate Trump and Biden’s brain worms at the same time.”

At press time, vials of TrumpWorms were already available on sale for a low price of $399.99 on Trump’s website.

The Hold Steady’s Children’s Book Mostly About Blacking Out at Minneapolis Dive Bars

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

NEW YORK — A preview of the upcoming children’s book based on the lyrics of The Hold Steady’s “Stay Positive” revealed a majority of the plot would revolve around the characters partying and getting wasted at Minneapolis dive bars, sources confirmed.

“It was such a delight to translate the band’s lyrics into a book that will teach kids a lesson in friendship and overcoming adversity. I wanted to ensure that it was on brand with characters from the Hold Steady catalog, so many of the illustrations are of armadillos and sheep getting shitfaced in South Minneapolis dive bars,” said illustrator David Espinosa. “I mean, the line ‘it’ll probably get druggy’ appears pretty early in the song, and as an artist I have to respect their vision and depict boozing with old friends and doing whippets in the bathroom because it’s too damn cold to do anything else.”

Lead singer Craig Finn was impressed at how Espinosa captured the band’s essence in only 32 pages.

“You know me, I gotta do something for the kids, and this was a great way to pass the torch to a new generation of partiers. David got every little detail right, from meeting a friend of a friend to buy molly behind an old pawn shop, down to loading up a jukebox with Hüsker Dü at the CC Club,” said Finn. “I think most of our songs would translate well into children’s literature. We’re already pitching another one based on ‘Sequestered in Memphis’ where a common loon migrates to Austin and hooks up with a pigeon who committed tax fraud.”

The book’s publisher had little doubt the book would be a hit amongst kids and parents alike.

“The Hold Steady fucking rule, so I am very excited for this to come out, mostly because this might be the best time to be a kids book publisher. If you haven’t noticed lately, making picture books out of classic rock songs has been a massive hit amongst older millennials who want to feel cool again. I saw they’re turning ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’ into a bedtime storybook, for Christ’s sake,” said editor Jane Wilkins. “We have so many of these things in the pipeline now. Just the other day I greenlit a story about an adorable pig based on Dead Kennedys ‘Police Truck.’ The kids are gonna be alright.”

As of press time, the band announced anyone who preorders the book will receive a six-pack of Grain Belt Beer and the number of a roadie who toured with The Replacements.

Amazing: This Hungover Person Is Never Going To Drink Again for the Rest of Their Life

BY DOM TUREK 

With god as his wittiness, Michael Towne will never wake up violently hungover lying in a bed of empty White Claws and crushed potato chips ever again, and this time he means business.

You’re probably thinking, “Yeah right, I’ve heard this one before,” but you’re wrong. This time is completely different from the time he vowed to be sober following the fireworks incident last year, the time he woke up in his landlady’s bed two weeks ago, and the time he woke up dazed and confused in a pair of bowling shoes on Wednesday.

In between minuscule sips of Gatorade and sprinting to the bathroom every fifteen minutes, he is planning a clean streak so meaningful, it’ll make Robert Downey Jr’s recovery look like a crock of California sober bullshit. Not only is he planning on staying sober for the rest of his life, but he’s also planning to run a 5k and get his car registered.

Don’t let his contorted body writhing over the porcelain pony fool you. Imbued with the urgent need for self-improvement that only a crippling hangover can inspire, Towne has already downloaded three sober tracking apps and applied for membership at a local rock climbing gym. This man is about to transform into a pinnacle of willpower upon which other drunken losers can rest their weary heads.

Looking back, it’s hard for Towne to recognize the person he used to be last night. The new Towne would never stand for that kind of reckless hedonism. Time to say goodbye to pissing in houseplants, leaving the stove on all night, and calling your happily married ex-girlfriend 26 times to confess your undying love for her, because today is a new day.

Of course, there will be some minor exceptions for his sober future. There’s a bachelor party coming up in July that will require some heavy drinking and a two-week-long trip to Italy that will undoubtedly include some wine tastings. Still, we’re sure by then he’ll probably learn to drink moderately, and as they say in AA, “progress, not perfection.”

Punk-Run Food Bank Mostly Stuff Stolen From Target

BY TIM SHEARD 

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — Punk-owned and operated food bank Rise Above has suddenly become a beacon of hope for a local community, due mostly to the fact its shelves are stocked with items stolen from Target, neighbors have reported.

“Food insecurity is growing at an alarming rate, and it was clear that we needed to do more for our community. That’s why we’ve partnered with local street punks to source only the best quality food and produce from Target and straight up run out without paying. They put lots of smaller stores out of business, and we feel brazen thievery is the most ethical route,” said food bank director Jim Stuart. “Our neighbors don’t have to worry about anyone getting caught, since we have a rotating list of new volunteers to kife everything from fresh fruit to baby formula. Food is a human right, and Target is not a human so it can afford to lose a few bucks.”

Members of the community were grateful for the food bank’s efforts to stick it to the man.

“It’s stressful not knowing where your next meal is going to come from. As a Target employee myself, it’s been hard to afford food on my salary after they jacked up prices due to ‘inflation’ or whatever. Rise Above always has name-brand stuff and is always blasting good shit like Gorilla Biscuits,” said Jane Graham. “Watching the punk community bootstrap itself to combat hunger gives my family hope. And if they need people to volunteer telling them when security usually goes on lunch or which cameras to avoid, I’m more than happy to pay it forward.

Experts in the nonprofit sector indicated that shoplifting will soon likely be one of the most utilized sourcing methods for urban food banks.

“Altruism is still alive and well in this country, but with a massive uptick in people going hungry and limited access to public transportation, simpler means of stocking food banks have also grown. So now we have more organizations ‘Robin Hooding’ by stealing from the mega-conglomerates who’ve created these food deserts. And if I’m being honest, it’s working out pretty damn well,” said Nate Williams from Charity Navigator. “I’ve personally seen punks posing as truck drivers and delivering trailers of food to pop-up food banks behind bowling alleys and dive bars. They’re doing God’s work.”

As of press time, Rise Above announced that effective immediately they will also be carrying small electronics, mainstream band tees, and cosmetics.

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Six Lore-Friendly Reasons “The DM’s New Girlfriend” Is the Most Powerful Build in DnD 5e

BY PATRICK OCONNELL 

One of the most satisfying elements of Dungeons & Dragons is seeing your unique character level into a triumphant hero or a cunning rogue. With the flexible or exploitable nature of certain rules, some builds are seen as overpowered or even accused of breaking the game. As someone who has been a Dungeon Master for ten years, I’ve seen quite a few groups break apart because of overpowered builds.

The build that is often the target of such claims is “the DM’s New Girlfriend”, a powerful but extremely controversial playstyle in which you min-max your rolls by having a new romantic/sexual relationship with the Dungeon Master. These builds are often capable of inexplicable feats that rival the lesser gods of the multiverse. However, there are totally valid, lore-friendly reasons that this build is so powerful that will make you stop saying I’m giving her preferential treatment because I’m not.

#6. Critical Successes on Every Charisma Check Without Rolling

No matter the NPC, be it a goblin or the King of Neverwinter, this build seems to hit it off with everyone without rolling a single die. This is because the “DM’s New Girlfriend” is, like, super funny and smart and pretty and cool and stuff. She can convince anyone to hand over their gold or priceless artifacts because of her innate charisma. The entire party will be left speechless when they see her have a thirty-minute, sexually charged conversation with a handsome centaur.

#5. I Told Her If She Played with Us She Could Be Sailor Moon

Part of the fun of roleplaying is being any character you can imagine! “The DM’s New Girlfriend” build has a unique feature called “I told her if she played with us she could be Sailor Moon” that allows her to choose races/classes unavailable to other builds that are from entirely different franchises. If, for example, “the DM’s New Girlfriend” decides to play as Sailor Moon, which is technically lore-friendly because it doesn’t say anywhere in the rules that she can’t be Sailor Moon, then it doesn’t ‘ruin the tone’ because we can just say she’s from the multiverse.

#4. Dice that Fall on the Floor Are Always ‘Nat 20’

Vecna isn’t called ‘Archlich’ for nothing! Many of his spells are capable of one-shotting low-level characters like “the DM’s New Girlfriend”. However, another handy class feature of this build is the ability to consistently roll natural 20’s so long as the d20 falls on the floor and nobody else but the DM sees it when he picks it up. This makes “the DM’s New Girlfriend” an absolutely essential member of the party during boss encounters and why everyone needs to be cool around her so she doesn’t think we’re lame.

#3. Comes With Incredibly Wealthy and Handsome Benefactor That Looks Like the DM

When designing a new character, it’s important to incorporate a captivating backstory that breathes life into their journey. It’s important to answer the question of what your character was doing before the adventure. “The DM’s New Girlfriend” allows for the option to start with an incredibly wealthy and handsome benefactor who appears inexplicably to assist her when things go sideways. In essence, this character is a walking deus ex machina for whenever she accidentally gets the party arrested for murder or unleashes an eldritch horror from planes unknown to mortals. Did I mention the benefactor looks strikingly like the DM and is handsome and cool?

#2. Able to Thrive On Solo Adventures Without the Main Party’s Nonsense

One of the areas in which “the DM’s New Girlfriend” shines is when the rest of your players get frustrated and ditch her after she accidentally kills their favorite NPC. First of all, it was hilarious, second of all, it’s just a game and they don’t need to be so dramatic. Luckily this build gets several new feats when travelling alone which include not needing to roll dice anymore and just killing everything she wants instantly.

#1. Can End the Entire Campaign with One Ability

Possibly the most powerful ability in 5e, “the DM’s New Girlfriend” can spontaneously end the campaign all at once by standing up at the table, calling the DM ‘controlling’ and ‘obsessive’, and then leaving. Once activated, this ability instills the ‘crippling depression’ status effect on the DM which effectively ends the campaign as he can’t get out of bed for several months. Since this effectively undoes the reality of the game world, this power is considered a level 20 transmutation spell available at level one. Talk about raw potential!

Man Wonders If He Has to Watch Twin Peaks Season 2 in Order to Not Understand Twin Peaks Season 3

BY CHARLES BILL 

CHICAGO — A local cinema fan made waves yesterday when he publicly asked if he needs to see season 2 of Twin Peaks in order to not understand season 3.

“I don’t want to be utterly confused in the wrong way,” said cinema and coffee fan Dwight Kalpakis. “I heard that season 2 drops off in quality, and actually becomes comprehensible at some points, so I kind of want to skip it. But if I skip season 2, will I be able to not know what’s happening in season 3? I just Google every episode afterward anyway and have someone way smarter than me spoon feed me an explanation. I guess I can skip to season 3 and still have things not make sense.”

Fans of Twin Peaks were largely critical of Kalpakis’s choice to skip to season 3.

“If you don’t watch season 2, don’t be surprised when you’re not befuddled in season 3,” said Twin Peaks message board moderator Eunice Turwood. “There’s a ton of scenes of The Log Lady saying incomprehensible nonsense in season 2 that pay off with even less understandable babble in season 3. The show was meant to be watched in order. Maybe. It honestly might have been made to watch backward, I don’t really know what’s going on since I haven’t seen Fire Walk With Me yet.”

Not all Twin Peaks authorities were so upset with the viewer’s choice.

“I always intended people to not watch the show at all,” yelled director David Lynch, even though we were right there. “When I was conceiving of the show in the late 80s, I just wanted people to gather around the water cooler and hear the weirdest guy in the office recap the show. This guy skipping the second season has the right idea. Sure he misses out on Heather Graham being all foxy, that’s the only reason I even stuck around for season 2. I tried to make The Return equally accessible to fans and newcomers, which is why it’s completely unintelligible for everyone.”

At press time David Lynch announced plans for a season 4, which would take the form of a warm vapor.

Boy Who Grew Up Playing New Vegas Still Enjoys It as Grown Woman

BY BEN CHERRY M 

LAS VEGAS — In the wake of Amazon Prime’s Fallout television series local gamer Eda Jeanston has revealed that she still enjoys playing New Vegas as much as she did when she was a young boy. 

Jeanston, a 26-year-old trans woman from Nevada, posted to the Fallout subreddit how the cult classic third-person-shooter was her first exposure to queer culture, and how she never did actually beat the game; well, not until being reminded of it through Amazon’s Fallout series. 

“I first played it when I was 12 and only knew two things, Deathclaws were scary and I really liked Veronica Santangelo and didn’t know why. Y’know, when you’re a kid, you don’t think about it, but you also do,” Eda said. “Back then, you knew what gay sort of meant, and you knew lesbians from American Pie. It was really hush-hush, yeah? Then New Vegas dropped, and little old me learned girls could have power fists. While also liking other girls.”

Fallout: New Vegas is fondly remembered for having two openly and prominently queer companions that can be recruited by the player: Arcade Gannon, a gay man that a male player with the ‘Confirmed Bachelor’ perk can flirt with to recruit immediately and bypass an otherwise required quest, and Veronica Santangelo, whose sexuality as a lesbian is a focal point of her character’s story, having her girlfriend forced away from her by her sole parental figure, who frowned upon Veronica’s relationship. 

“I was obsessed with her. I thought she was the coolest companion in the game. There was this one quest she’d give where she asked my character to help her find a dress, because she’d always wanted to wear one, and I guess dresses aren’t all that practical in the apocalypse. I think something clicked after that.”

Eda was asked how she felt returning to (and completing) New Vegas this year, and after it was clarified to her that this was not a request for her opinions on Fallout 4, she stated:

“It’s always really funny, looking back on what you liked as a kid, especially when it’s like, holy shit, that’s the pretty lady that transed my gender. Veronica was, like, the blueprint for my taste in women. I have a $250 replica Power Fist I bought off Etsy that’s gonna arrive in a week. Live your best life, kiddos. Give more pretty ladies weapons, it might save your boys a whole lotta years of soul-searching.”

At press time, Jeanston is still going through the comments on her post where people are sharing similar stories. She is ignoring all the ones that mention Fallout 4.