Hard Digest May 8: Steve Albini, Trump Trial, Early Access Oi!, Posers, Band Names, and More

Steve Albini Standing Outside Gates of Heaven Telling Everyone How Much He Hates the Smashing Pumpkins

BY TRAVIS TACK 

PEARLY GATES — Legendary musician, producer, and music journalist Steve Albini spent the first few moments of his afterlife ranting about how bad the Smashing Pumpkins suck to other souls waiting to enter into the divine kingdom of Heaven, sources confirmed.

“Yeah I’m dead, so what. That doesn’t change the fact that Billy Corgan is a corporate stooge who would run over his own grandmother with a luxury tour bus if it meant he could sell a few more albums. And don’t get me started on his little band that appeals to the lowest common denominator of ‘music fan’ who couldn’t be more happy to listen to mainstream rock radio and jerk off in their Jeep,” said Albini. “If I wanted to listen to butt rock I’d hang out with my aunts in Myrtle Beach for the weekend. If anyone associated with the Smashing Pumpkins ends up here in Heaven then please send me straight to Hell.”

Helen Abraham, a grandmother of nine who passed away peacefully in her sleep earlier today, was one of the first people to interact with Albini on a new plane of existence.

“When I realized where I was I got a little sad thinking about the people I left behind, then I remembered all the people I’d get to see again and my mood changed. But then this man with glasses shuffled over to me and started talking about how some man named Billy was a gross opportunist,” said Abraham. “I told him I have a grandson named Billy and then the man spit on the ground and said it was a dumb name that lacked creativity. It was quite upsetting, I hope once I get inside I can avoid him. I don’t want to be stuck in an orientation with him.”

The ancient deity Janus, who presides over the heavenly gates, admits they have developed techniques to limit interactions with opinionated souls entering the gates.

“Whenever we get a talker I’ll say something like ‘Wow, that’s crazy’ and then yell about how everyone needs to make a single file line. That usually buys me a minute or two and then I open my ancient scroll and pretend I’m doing clerical work,” said Janus. “If they keep trying to talk to me then I’ll make something up about how the doors of Heaven only operate in silence. It’s an incredibly boring job, I think it might actually be my own personal version of Hell and I’m not sure what I did to get here.”

At press time, Albini was seen running towards a giant heavenly poker table.

Unhinged Trump Lawyers Present Court With 100,000 Children’s Letters All Addressed to Santa Claus

BY DAN RICE 

NEW YORK — The legal team representing former president Donald Trump, currently on trial for alleged hush money paid to pornstar Stormy Daniels, entered piles upon piles of handwritten letters addressed to Santa as evidence early this morning In a confounding strategic pivot, courtroom sources confirmed.

“Take a good look, your honor,” said Trump defender Todd Blanche motioning confidently to a heap of Christmas wish lists from around the country. “Over 100,000 handwritten letters all addressed to Santa Claus at his workshop in the North Pole. That’s an awful lot of physical mail for a person who ‘doesn’t exist,’ don’t you think? I know these black-hearted prosecutors are going to object on the grounds of relevance but keep in mind jurors that these big city lawyers are objecting to the hopes and dreams of all children.”

The bizarre response to Stormy Daniels’s damning testimony yesterday, in which she confirmed having sex with the former president and being paid for her silence, left jurors feeling off balance.

“At first I really didn’t understand how letters to Sants Claus had anything to do with the matter at hand,” reported one juror. “They just kept reading letter after letter out loud and when they got to one kid asking for a new Dad so his Mom wouldn’t be sad all the time, I just broke down and cried because I wrote a letter exactly like that to Santa 25 years ago. I don’t even remember why we’re here at this point, but you know what? I believe.”

Trump appeared 100% committed to the new legal strategy in his comments to the press outside the courthouse.

“Let it be known that if I do lose this trial, it’s for being bold enough to believe that Timmy deserves a new scooter for his good grades, that Lisa should receive an American Girl doll for being nice to her little brother all year long, that maybe, just maybe, there’s a little magic in this world after all,” said Trump. “The Dems, they don’t believe in the Christmas spirit, they really don’t, but I do, and I will go to jail for Mr. Kringle in a heartbeat if need be.”

As of press time, Santa could not be reached for comment, a fact Blanche attributes to the mainstream media “not being pure of heart.”

Poser at Oi! Show Wearing Bald Cap

BY RYAN DONDERO 

NEW YORK — Local poser James Morgan reportedly wore a bald cap over his luscious head of hair in order to fit in at an Oi! show this past Saturday, scornful sources confirmed.

“This lineup is bloody bonkers, mate. The Ball Busters, Societal Scapegoat, and Boot Company? For only ten quid? I’d have to be daft to miss this one bruv,” said Morgan, obviously uncomfortable in a new pair of Doc Martens. “I’m proper chuffed! These lads really know how to make authentic working-class rock’n’roll. I’ll be dancing all evening in my bovver boots and gettin’ trollied on bevvys. Truth to tell, I almost didn’t make it to this gig. My bird said she didn’t want me going out and getting pissed. I told her to slag off (in a cheeky way) but ended up making a huge cock-up of it. I hope she’s not too miffed.”

Michael Waite, Morgan’s co-worker at white-shoe law firm Barker & Charles, says Morgan has been acting strangely this last year and it’s starting to impact his work.

“James has consistently been one of the top attorneys at our firm, but over the last year, he’s started to change a lot,” said Waite. “He jokingly started referring to himself as a working class ‘bloke,’ spent part of his substantial year-end bonus on a vintage cutdown Vespa, and got really into soccer…I’m sorry, ‘football.’ However, his behavior really reached a critical point when he showed up to work one day wearing a bald cap. When a senior partner reprimanded him, James muttered ‘bollocks’ under his breath and stopped wearing it.”

Sarah O’Brien, owner of Funny Tymes Gifts, says she’s been struggling to keep her novelty bald caps in stock amidst a wave of interest in Oi! among New York elites.

“As soon as I get a new shipment of bald caps, these fancy professional-types are scooping them right up,” said O’Brien. “I guess a lot of these guys want to fit in at specific concerts or something. Some of these men have the most gorgeous hair! I wouldn’t want to cut it either. Ladies come by, too. Just last week, a woman came in asking if it’d be possible to hot glue hair to the front and sides of one of our caps. I just said, ‘Sure hon, that shouldn’t be a problem!’”

At press time, Morgan was on his iPad searching for an online dialect coach to help develop an authentic sounding Cockney accent.

Opinion: I Would Trade All Prior Romantic Relationships for a Friendship With a Grizzly Bear

BY IAN STEFFÉ

At 38 and in a somewhat intentional bachelorhood after powerful, romantic relationships that ended slowly and grimly to send me to a therapist’s couch, I think I’m starting to see a small beam of clarity. I see now that love is fleeting and painful and compounds into routine and resentments. So with some intentional thinking, maybe I can cash in these memories because I’m CERTAINLY not using them. So to the universe I say, let’s take these chips and trade them straight up for a friendship with a Grizzly bear.

This is such an easy trade. Like, let’s take that time one girlfriend convinced me to move to New York City following a year of a long-distance relationship only to find out my first day in town that I was the other guy to her actual five-year relationship. Let’s take those 18 months that followed, listening to Dirty Work by Steely Dan on a loop and not eating. Let’s replace that with a 1200 lb grunting apex predator knocking on my screen door where we go off looking for pies cooling on window sills.

By the way, what do you think of the name “Mr. President”? It’s fun, right? Think of all the fun things you could say.
“Mr. President! Where did you get that deer carcass?”
“Mr. President! When has mauling solved anything?”
“I’m sorry. I’m all out of pork kidneys Mr. President”
Come to think of it, let’s give this boy a tie. After all, he’s the president.

Of course, I understand the inherent risks of such a friendship. After all, grizzly bears are wild creatures, unpredictable in their actions and instincts. They can turn on a dime. But you know who else acts like that? Partners with CPTSD. And last I checked, bears don’t drink in the shower after their mother calls.

I can see Mr. President so clearly now. We’re seated next to each other by a river, smelling the sweet grass and salt. Zen silence and a chilling breeze. He’s holding his salmon. I have my hot coffee. Neither of us wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. Neither of us asking the other “Is this enough? Am I enough?” Just the sound of the river passing by. And the deep snuffles of the bear, trying to find the next picnic to maul.

Not Even Members Know If Band Name That Ends in “S” Should Have a “The” Preceding It

BY JOHN DANEK 

IOWA CITY, Iowa — The members of local prog metal band Miscreations are embroiled in debate as to whether their name is “Miscreations” or “The Miscreations,” embarrassed friends confirmed.

“I noticed that when our bassist Hunter made our TikTok, he named the account ‘TheMiscreations’ which is definitely not our name,” said guitarist and vocalist Paul Killian. “I looked back at emails we’ve all sent, and I think it’s a 50/50 split between the four of us. But I refuse to broach the subject. This could open a Pandora’s Box that ends our band permanently; we do not handle confrontation well. Our fight over the color of our first show flier led to us not talking to each other for four months.”

This issue of ambiguity regarding plural band names plagues local bands and major-label legends alike.

“I have no fuckin’ idea if we’re The Misfits or just Misfits,” admitted Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein, power chord engineer of the iconic New Jersey horror punks. “I’ve only confided this with some other musicians in the same predicament, like Chino from Deftones and King Buzzo from The Melvins. Or is it ‘The Deftones’ and just ‘Melvins?’ I lost our trademark certificate back in 1981 so I can’t look there. Please don’t tell Glenn about that.”

Experts in the Artists and Repertoire field stress the importance of achieving consistent branding with your outfit’s name.

“You know in The Social Network when that testicle-looking Justin Timberlake says to drop the ‘the?’ That was inspired by me,” boasted Gary Klein, longtime A&R rep at Capitol Records. “I make a salary in the upper six figures telling 17-year-olds to drop the ‘the,’ it’s that important. And I don’t do shit else. Don’t even listen to their music. Not really a music fan myself. Anyways, you don’t generally want to muck up your band name with unnecessary articles unless it’s 2001 or you’re a tryhard CBGB wannabe punk band. Or if you’re so broke, you can’t afford the shorter domain name. Now excuse me, I have a date in a few minutes, and her name is cocaine.”

As of press time, all non-vocalist members of Miscreations have demanded printed copies of the band’s otherwise indecipherable lyrics.

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GTA Character Immediately Gets 5 Stars After Expressing Sympathy for Palestine

BY RIDLEY JORDAN 

Vespucci Beach in Los Santos remains closed by police today after a serious incident occurred early Wednesday morning involving a suspect who expressed sympathy for Palestine, according to police.

Eyewitnesses say it all started when the character had an unthinkable thought: maybe tens of thousands of children being bombed in their home is a bad thing. Immediately, sirens could be heard in the distance, getting closer every minute. Helicopters flew overhead searching for the perpetrator. Swat teams and tanks were quickly deployed as police were given the green light to shoot on sight, sources confirmed.

In response to criticism of this response, the city of Los Santos set up a designated zone where such thoughts can be expressed safely.

“We just want to make sure everyone is safe,” a spokesperson for the Los Santos police department said. “We don’t want anyone getting caught in our crossfire.”

Since the closure of Vespucci Beach, over a hundred other characters have also been arrested for what the police say is trespassing, despite the fact it’s a public area. We reached out to one of these characters for a comment.

“All I did was say that we might need a ceasefire to end the chaos,” she said. “Next thing I knew, a full swat truck of guys was shooting at me.”

We talked to a bystander on the scene to get their thoughts on what is going on:

“I have no problems with expressing your thoughts like this as long as it’s not disruptive,” they said. “That way I can easily ignore it and not have to think about whether I’m in the wrong.”

The mayor of Los Santos declined Hard Drive’s requests for an interview about these arrests, instead sending over a statement demanding our press office in Los Santos be shut down.

Hoarders to Feature Man Who Stores Every File on His Desktop

BY BRANDON TALLEY 

LOS ANGELES — The long-running docuseries/reality show Hoarders plans to feature Jerry Kruger, a man who stores every single file on his desktop, disgusted sources confirm.

Kruger states that while he doesn’t think he has a problem, he’s agreed to go on the show for the sake of his family.

“I understand that my desktop is a little messy, but I don’t see what the big deal is,” Kruger stated while pushing aside a file named “untitled36.doc.” “My wife and kids have been pleading with me to get some help, so that’s the only reason why I’ve agreed to this. But if anybody suggests something ridiculous like putting the job offer from the now defunct restaurant I worked at five years ago in a folder, there’s going to be a problem. I need constant access to that file and if I can’t see it on my desktop, I’m going to totally lose it!”

Hoarders’ producers were ecstatic to share the “shocking lows” explored in their upcoming episode.

“We believe this will be the worst episode of Hoarders ever created, which also means it’s the best episode,” stated executive producer, Lance Baker. “I’ve been working on this show since the beginning and have built up a pretty strong stomach. I’ve seen everything: people storing their feces, rats getting into the stored feces, storing rats that got into the stored feces. However, I’ve never been more disturbed than when I first saw that mess of a monitor. How can someone live like that?”

Hoarding disorder expert Jessica Slipmen worries that this form of the disorder will only continue to become more prevalent without personal vigilance.

“We are all capable of living in the filth of a disgustingly crowded desktop,” Slipmen stated. “How many pages of apps do you have on your phone? How full is your downloads folder?  How many emails do you have in your inbox? These are all warning signs. I’m pleading with anybody reading this, please get help before it’s too late.”

At press time, Kruger is reportedly using his wife’s computer and is now slowly filling her desktop with files as well.

Two Point Campus Gets Surprise Update Adding New Beat ‘em Up MiniGame

BY NICK COFFMAN 

LOS ANGELES – Two Point Studios surprised fans of their college campus simulator, Two Point Campus, with a new beat ‘em up minigame add-on, dubbed Peace on the Quad.

In the new add-on, players take on the role of local police, tasked with saving the campus from its revolting students. Property and graduation are at risk as you beat your way through liberal arts students and arrest traitorous political science professors.

Two Point Studio’s Game Lead, Marcus Van, shared his vision behind Peace on the Quad in a lengthy video, posted to X earlier today.

“We wanted to capture the true college administration experience of 2024,” Van said before smacking a dummy with a baton. “You have the tools and the means to build the university of your dreams. Why let a few spoiled twenty-somethings ruin those dreams? In Peace on the Quad, it’s up to you to reclaim your quad by any means necessary.”

The video displayed portions of gameplay from Peace on the Quad, depicting cute little characters in riot gear pummeling cute little protestors. Van continued by describing the deceptively deep gameplay in the new add-on.

“You’re not only beating students. You’re controlling the narrative,” Van said, repositioning his baton to mimic a microphone. “Between beat ‘em up sessions you’ll send out press releases blaming the students for the violence, shut down campus access for professors who cross the line, and crush any opposition that gets in the way of our mission toward the betterment of our global society.”

Later in the video, Van addressed concerns about the inability to play as students in the new add-on.

“Who wants to play as students? Where’s the fun in that,” Van asked. “As an administrator of your own dream university, you have all the power. You not only get to return peace to the quad, but you also get to experience the aftermath of returning peace to the quad. Did a detained student rise above the ranks and become a powerful person in the public eye decades later? Celebrate their achievements and the activism from their college years. They won’t bat an eye if you throw enough money their way or name a few buildings after them. No one can stop you. You hear me? No one!”

Peace on the Quad is now available and is free to all college administrators with either a valid ID or a few teeth from the mouth of an undergraduate protestor.