Hard Digest May 6: Kendrick/Drake Beef, Early Access Elton John, Discovery, Michael Winslow, and More

Drake Reveals That He Was Only Being Creepy To Girls For 15 Years To Bait Kendrick Into Talking About It

BY CHARLES BILL

TORONTO — Drake shocked the world when he released a new diss track aimed at Kendrick Lamar where the Canadian rapper claims he has been purposefully acting creepy to girls for fifteen years to bait Kendrick into talking about it, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“I’ve been working on this plan since 2010 when I brought that 17-year-old on stage in Denver and did some light groping and kissing,” explained rap superstar Drake. “I had the foresight to know that I might have a rap beef over a decade later and I needed to make a fool out of my opponent with fake information. I started formulating this persona as a groomer, and then I started to pretend to be predatory towards minors. Stupid Kendrick and his fans ate it all up. I got Billie Eillish’s number from my agency and started texting her when she was 17 to start planting some seeds. I didn’t want to do it, I had to do it to make Kendrick look like an idiot. It was all just a trick and you guys fell for it.”

Members of Drake’s inner circle seem to have less confidence in the psychological warfare than Champagne Papi does.

“My job was to leak false information to Kendrick,” explained Drake entourage member Big Cheez. “I tried to show Kendrick’s camp a charity that Drake started called ‘Drake’s Kids,’ but they just misinterpreted that as Drake having a bunch of illegitimate children. Which, of course, he does, but that’s entirely beside the point. And as Drake pointed out in his diss, no rich person has ever been a pedophile and gotten away with it.”

Long-term associates of Drake have been coming out of the woodwork to support his recent assertion that he was just pretending to be a scumbag for his entire professional career.

“Drake really fooled all of you wankers,” said actress Millie Bobby Brown. “There were all these big stories of him texting me when I was 14 and he was 31. Never happened, all part of Drake’s ruse. Could you imagine a fully grown man texting a child less than half his age? Nobody is that fucked up, it was all for show. I went along with it because that bitch-ass Kendrick called ‘Stranger Things’ names like ‘derivative’ and ‘snooze-worthy’ and I knew working with Drake would take him down. Eventually.”

At press time, Drake dropped an additional bombshell that he was just joking when he ignored his son Adonis until his existence was publicly revealed.

Elton John Gets Rhinestone Contacts

BY ROB STEINBERG 

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. — Pop legend and fashion icon Elton John has reportedly ditched his jewel encrusted eyeglasses for a more sensible pair of rhinestone contact lenses, sources confirmed while squinting from the glare coming off of them.

“Aren’t they something? Now everywhere I look, I can be dazzled by the splendor of glistening gems and jewels, without the constant taking on and off of those pesky glasses I used to wear. I think I may have them taken in to get some feathers added, as well,” said John, as his eyelids struggled to blink over the jagged mineral deposits. “I find that the added weight on my eyeballs helps me feel even more alive. I’m ‘Still Standing’ as I say, but I’ll admit, I’m not 100% sure what room I’m still standing in…or that I’m even in the right house sometimes. Ah well, who would complain about me wandering into their home, I sang on the Lion King! You should be so lucky!”

Dr. Perry Noonan, who prescribed the contacts, says that many of his celebrity clients have similar requests.

“Oh yeah, rock stars come in here all the time asking for all sorts of bizarre ocular accouterments. For starters, those Replacements fellas would stumble in here asking if they could get actual ‘beer goggles’ all the time in the late ‘80s, and always seemed to forget that I had already told them scientists would only get to inventing them after curing cancer,” said the optometrist. “Peter Gabriel is another space case, always bringing a new girlfriend in here to get their eyes checked for ‘the light, the heat,’ Honestly, when you consider all the others, Elton wanting those bedazzled contact lenses is the most sensible of the bunch. I just hope he remembers not to put them on backwards, or they could really rip his eyeballs to shreds.”

John is so frequently in need of gemstones for various aspects of his life that he has hired a personal miner.

“Heh, that’s me! The ‘rock man’ for the Rocket Man, I guess you’d say. Sure, the job don’t come with much sunlight, but the guy gave the world ‘Philadelphia Freedom,’ so I feel I owe him that, as a lifelong 76ers fan,” said professional on-call miner Durland Dunnigan, who was in fact wearing one of those hats with the lights on it. “Whenever I get down thinking about all the good men we lose down there in the twists and turns of the mines, I just think of how kind it is of Mr. John to let their families use ‘Funeral for a Friend’ royalty-free at their services, and sometimes he’ll even throw in ‘Candle in the Wind’ if it’s around the holidays. It’s a kind gesture, and I’m glad to be a part of the team.”

At press time, John was seen browsing pamphlets advertising a new, highly experimental, rhinestone LASIK procedure.

Opinion: Well, I Found the Clit. Now What?

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

Like the quests for the Fountain of Youth or the Holy Grail, I too have spent what feels like eons searching for something I thought was unattainable. And it is here at 2 a.m. in my girlfriend’s studio apartment I have found it! Many have said it wasn’t possible, but here I am face-to-face with the ever-elusive clitoris.

And now that I’ve found it, I have no fucking idea what to do next.

Before any of you bust my balls, I know it’s bad that it took me this long to find it. But it does say something about how nice all my exes were about pretending I knew what I was doing in bed. Not that they didn’t try to guide me to it, I just assumed the clit was like a metaphor or something that is inside all of us the whole time.

I feel like I’ve finally caught up to the venerable white whale (please don’t tell my girlfriend I called it that). And while we’re here, all these hints I’ve heard through the years about looking for the “little man in the boat” were wildly misleading. It’s more like baseball in a kayak (again, please don’t say anything to her).

Shit, I need to focus! Time is running out. I know it’s cliche to say I don’t know what to do with my hands, but I’ve already billed myself as the world’s greatest sex machine and I cannot go all in on what I now know is her labia. Is it too early to ask if she came yet?

If I could make an educated guess, based on the fact she literally guided my fingers to it, I’m supposed to rub it. Does this make sense to anyone else? I could’ve sworn this whole time it was inside of the vagina. Wait, are the clit and the g-spot two different things? Christ, I don’t have time to look for that right now.

I am not one of those guys who can’t take directions or constructive criticism, but I am at a complete loss. Fortunately, my girlfriend got a sudden headache so I probably just bought myself time to do more research. I should start now since she’s been in the bathroom for ten minutes with what I assume is a deep cleaning with her electric toothbrush.

Wish me luck!

Poser Sound Guy Doesn’t Even Know Who Michael Winslow Is

BY CHRIS BOWEN 

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local audio engineer Kent Barger was once again frustrated after receiving accusations of being a phony for not knowing the ultimate “sound guy” Michael Winslow, several disgusted sources report.

“Listen, I’ve been a staple of the Rochester indie rock scene for over three weeks now, and when the sound guy for the show I’m playing has never even seen ‘Police Academy 3: Back in Training’ it’s time to call a spade a spade,” said Chad Rieber, singer for local band Bacon Slam. “During soundcheck he kept going on about ‘kick drum’ this and ‘vocal one’ that. When it was all said and done, he never made one hilariously realistic intercom sound or even any ‘bleeps,’ ‘sweeps’ or any ‘creeps!’ I couldn’t believe it. That’s what’s wrong with the music scene these days, there’s no respect for the greats who can make the sound of someone stepping on leaves or a car with a flat tire using only their mouth. That guy paved the way for live audio engineers everywhere.”

Barger believes the constant barrage of accusations each night are uncalled for.

“I’m sick of people doing this to me,” Barger explained. “Just because I have a passion for individual snare sounds and hearing lead singers say ‘check’ for 20 straight minutes doesn’t mean I know every single person who can use their body to recreate 10,000 unique sound effects. It’s irritating always being compared to some guy who was in ‘Spaceballs.’ It’s downright painful sometimes.”

Winslow himself was known to have a bit of a presence in the live audio community.

“This guy thinks he’s got it bad not knowing who I am? Think about how it must feel to be me every time I get more fan mail from local sound guys worldwide,” Winslow stated. “After all, I’m a bit of a legend in the sound guy community. They’ve even made July 26 officially Michael Winslow day, where they celebrate by watching all seven ‘Police Academy’ movies or until they get tired of them. Whichever comes first. Last year they almost made it all the way through the second one.”

At press time, Barger reportedly watched a movie with Winslow in it and quit the live music engineering altogether after coming to the conclusion that he’d never be as good as him.

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Employee Radios For Manager to Come Unlock Bulletproof Vault of $2.99 Toothpaste

BY ALEX KITSINGER 

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Long-time Walmart shopper Richard Loyce was recently forced to wait for an employee to radio their manager while buying toothpaste, according to a video posted on social media by Loyce.

“Tomorrow’s my first day at a new job and this idiot won’t let me buy some toothpaste to brush my teeth. He told me it’s ‘store policy’ and that I ‘won’t find a store in the state that doesn’t lock up all the personal hygiene supplies,'” said Loyce in the video. “I didn’t get a good look at the first employee, but he after he called for his manager he walked away and I’m 90% sure that he just changed his shirt and came back pretending to be a different person, just to mess with me.”

Store manager Christopher Haynes weighed in on the situation.

“People kept stealing the toothpaste, as if they were entitled to it or something. Loss prevention wouldn’t get off their asses, so I took it into my own hands to put a stop to it,“ said Haynes, knowing full well his hourly wage was unaffected by petty crime. “I rearranged the store so the toothpaste is where the guns used to be, and vice versa. those didn’t need to be locked up anyway, if you ask me.”

Brian Thicke, another employee at the store, was interviewed by a reporter who was trying to buy toothpaste during the 36-minute process.

“At first the new policy was annoying, but we’ve started having fun with it. We like to see how much nonsense we can make a customer put up with just to get some toothpaste,” said Thicke. “We keep calling more and more employees on the radio and whisper to one another as if we have no idea how to open the damn thing. Finally we all turn the key at once as if it’s got biometrics on it. The customers hate it, but it’s the only fun part of the job.”

At press time the store was reportedly locking up bottles of water and baby formula, just to see if they could.

Top 10 Lies I Told Myself About Actually Putting Time Into a New Game to Justify Its Purchase

BY MATT SAINCOME 

It’s important in life to be truthful, both to yourself and to others. And so, as part of a new therapy course I’m going through, I’ve decided to be honest with myself and create a list of the top 10 lies I’ve used to justify purchasing a new game.

10) My friends will play it with me

My friends, who now live all across the country in different timezones and have families, demanding jobs, and maybe cooler friends than me, will certainly play this game with me for hours on end just like our old Halo LAN parties.

9) It balances out my current rotation

Because I’m currently just bouncing back and forth between Manor Lords and Deep Rock Galactic Survivors, I need a game like this in a different genre to scratch that certain itch. I don’t have anything like it in my backlog.

8) I deserve it

I have worked hard and I deserve to blow off some steam with a new game.

7) I deserve anything

I have often told myself internally that I have some amount of value. That was a lie and I am sorry for it.

6) I bet it’s ready to play on launch day

No one launches a completely unfinished, unplayable product to the public. I would never fall for something like that.

5) New content is what my Twitch needs to finally pop off

After a few years of keeping a steady schedule on twitch with no audience growth I’ve realized what I really needed was just to be first to a new game like this one and to go all out with it. I’ll roleplay every stream, full costume, ton of animations… This is different than the other times, I can do this.

4) My computer will run it flawlessly

I haven’t upgraded my gaming rig in 5 years besides the monitor, where I went with an ultrawide. This new game should run fine on ultimate settings.

3) I put time into the last game I bought

And after a massive social media campaign I didn’t even need to connect my PSN account!

2) If I don’t pick up this deal Wario64 will stop posting

It’s my personal belief that if I do not buy each deal from Wario64, he will simply stop posting them. I have a moral obligation to buy.

1) I don’t have any other games to play

For each of the 328 games in my backlog I have a very specific and reasonable excuse as to why I have not played them. As such they should not be considered while I debate this new purchase. I’d list them out there but I think you can just trust me on this one.