Hard Digest May 1: Police Abuse, Early Access Unsold Records, Cool Kids, They Might Be Giants, and More

Cop Practices For Long Day of Busting Protests By Beating Teenage Children at Home

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

LOS ANGELES — Local police officer Mark Woodside warmed up for a long day of work beating college kids peacefully protesting genocide by knocking around his teenage children who were trying to avoid him, sources confirmed.

“I checked my watch and it was 6:03 a.m. and my kids weren’t up yet. So I marched right up to their room and initiated communication. They immediately resisted my demands to ‘wake up’ so that’s when I was forced to start throwing punches to the back and sternum of each individual child,” said Officer Woodside. “Some of my colleagues think we need to separate our work life and our home life, but I’ve found that some of my most effective training happens with my own family. If I can ignore the cries of ‘please stop’ and ‘I think he might be dead’ from people I’m meant to love, then I can surely ignore those cries from complete strangers. Especially when I have my riot gear on.”

Woodside’s 17-year-old daughter says she’s been an unwilling participant in her father’s “training exercises” for over a decade.

“He always takes seminars in hand-to-hand combat that are paid for by the precinct and he immediately comes home and ‘practices’ it on me and my brother. He’s broken my collarbone and given me multiple black eyes. I ran out of excuses for my appearance years ago, now I just tell people I’m in an underground fight club,” said the teen girl. “My mom has threatened to leave, but anytime she brings it up he usually grabs one of his guns. As bad as it is for me, I worry for the protesters. My father is out for blood, and I know all his friends think the same way.”

Pro-Israel counterprotesters have been very welcoming to the increased police presence on college campuses.

“The cops just let us do our thing for at least an hour. We will typically show up to an encampment with a few batons and bats and try to single out a few of the smaller college kids and just beat the tar out of them. The police just turn their back and talk about how ‘they are on a break’ while we take care of business,” said Zionist Luke Holcomb. “A lot of off-duty officers will join us as well. They just love hurting people. And since I started hanging out with them so much I was able to get three parking tickets dismissed.”

At press time, Officer Woodside was being praised by his commanding officer for bravely approaching three college students huddled in a tent and knocking them unconscious.

Record Store Owner Reshingles Roof With Years of Unsold Record Store Day Releases

BY CHRIS BOWEN 

PORTLAND, Ore. — Owner of local shop Tunehoundz Records Steven Southwell recently decided to use old Record Store Day vinyl releases to replace the dilapidated shingles on his store’s roof, audiophile sources report.

“I honestly thought I’d never get rid of those lousy Record Store Day releases that were somehow growing mold in the backroom,” Southwell explained. “This was probably the most efficient way to get rid of those Gin Blossoms picture discs and limited edition Mötley Crüe ‘Red, White and Crue’ records. Not to mention I saved a ton of money on actual shingles. Actually, I broke even on those. Turns out, finding a contractor who will work exclusively with limited edition records is pricey. Anyway, I look forward to constructing a much-needed load-bearing beam after next year’s Record Store Day.”

Long-time customer Angela Gonzalez loves the idea of a vinyl-based roof.

“I think it’s brilliant,” Gonzalez said. “Whenever I see those piles upon piles of unsold releases, I just sort of wonder if they could be used in a more pragmatic manner. Sure, that roof is going to need to be replaced after exactly three storms, but it might be worth it until then. But I get it. It’s like, someone thought it was a good idea to release a special edition Morrissey interview picture disc? Come on! That’s like seeing that sad dog at the kennel no one wants to adopt. Either way, someone is finally putting Record Store Day releases to good use.”

Its widely known unwanted Record Store Day products have had a number of practical uses since their inception.

“With how many releases that come out on that day, there are bound to be some stinkers,” said Curtis Getts, a local avid record collector. “Shop owners generally have invested a decent amount of money, so naturally they want to get use out of them. So aside from basic home and building repairs, they can also be good for broth bases for certain soups, stews and sauces. You’ll never have a hungry record store staff so long as Record Store Day is still a thing!”

At press time, Tunehoundz Records constructed its second store location entirely out of unsold Record Store Day cassette tape releases.

We Sat Down at the Cool Kids Table and Were Savagely Ridiculed

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

Kids these days, what’s up with them? Seriously, we have no idea what the hell is going on with Gen Alpha and they are terrifying, mostly because they speak in internet shorthand and we haven’t brushed up on our acronyms in a decade. In order to bridge the generation gap, we sought out the cool kids table at our old high school to find out what makes them tick.

Unfortunately, since the moment we sat down they’ve savagely criticized nearly every aspect of our existence.

At first it was unclear to us why there was so much animosity. It’s not like Millennials ruined the economy! Perhaps the proliferation of Harry Potter and Axe body spray is what’s led them to question our judgment.

Our attempt to talk to them in a way they’d understand didn’t help. Apparently no matter how you think the word “skibidi” is used, you will be wrong 100% of the time. Either we don’t know what it actually means or these kids are just fucking with us.

When it wasn’t our taste in clothing that was in their crosshairs, it was our TikTok for you page. How they got their hands on our phone is beyond me. It must’ve been when we dropped our guard after one of them chided the infinity tattoo on our wrist.

After an entire lunch period of being roasted, it was clear any attempt to know them as human beings was not going to happen. So eventually we threw a Hail Mary and the offered right of passage golden ticket: that fact we could buy them alcohol. The look they gave us, as if they’d just been offered ketamine! Apparently it’s flavored vapes or nothing for them, but that ship may have already sailed because there’s a 99% chance they’re going to doxx and cancel us.

What makes these kids popular anyway? Most of their music and fashion trends are just late 90’s retreads and they want to act like adults without any of the maturity and have cult-like loyalties to brands! But goddam do we want to be them. Imagine not having to develop a personality because your parents can buy you the best stuff while knowing absolutely nothing about how the world worked before 2010.

We’re probably no closer to understanding these kids than we are the secrets of the universe, but the infinite cosmos didn’t read us for filth because we still use the smiley emoji. Fucking brutal.

Bouncer Trying So Hard Not to Wedgie Everyone at They Might be Giants Show

BY PATRICK COYNE 

NEW YORK — Former bully-turned-bouncer Terry Gallagher found himself fighting the urge to administer atomic wedgies to everyone at a recent They Might be Giants performance, meek and pimply sources confirmed.

“I’ve got a ton of regret about the way I acted growing up. So I try to make up for it by doing things like spotting dweebs struggling on the squat rack, refraining from using a gay slur when I see a dork eating seitan, and saying ‘thank you.’ But this recent gig really pushed the limits of my reformed bullydom,” said Gallagher. “Based on the number of glasses and ill-fitting t-shirts, you would have thought this was a near-sighted convention. Then the band comes on stage with a freakin’ accordion and starts singing about birdhouses and Istanbul and shit. I have no idea how I managed to restrain myself as long as I did before breaking down.”

They Might Be Giants fan and show attendee Wanda Cooke was one of the first to notice Gallagher’s odd behavior.

“Usually when I’m at a show, the bouncer remains stoic and keeps an eye on the crowd. But this one guy spent the whole time pacing back and forth and pounding his fist into his palm. At one point we made eye contact and he whispered something about meeting me ‘at the baseball field after study hall,’” said Cooke. “Initially I thought it was part of the show, but then later I saw him mechanically administering swirlies to weirdly complacent fans in a bathroom stall, one right after the other. The show attendees just stood there and took it like a fight or flight thing.”

Psychologist Dr. Yunus Coffey spoke about working with adolescent bullies like Gallagher.

“It can be difficult for now-adult bullies to acclimate themselves to life ‘on the outside.’ Once, they were top of the food chain in the cold and uncaring public school system, and now they find themselves serving meals, driving, or even protecting their smarter and more successful classmates,” said Coffey. “This is why I help bullies integrate into adult society. And if that doesn’t work, I encourage them to become police officers, where they can continue their wanton abuse and violence without any retribution whatsoever.”

At press time, Gallagher declared himself an honorary nerd after finding himself inexplicably tapping his toes to the song “Don’t Let’s Start.”

More From The Hard Times:

Big-Box Brands Ranked By How Bangable Their Logo Is

Crash Bandicoot Once Again Asked to Put on Shirt or Leave 7-Eleven

BY TRAVIS TACK 

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Former PlayStation mascot Crash Bandicoot has once again been asked to leave 7-Eleven if he does not put on a shirt sources inside the convenience store have confirmed.

7-Eleven franchise owner Sal Petino is furious after once again having to throw Crash Bandicoot out of his establishment. 

“Our policy is very clear,” explained Petino. “It’s written on the door. But Crash comes in with no shirt, pissing all over the place, spinning around like a maniac. It’s not right. And to make matters worse, since he started coming in, other Australians have started showing up acting the exact same way.”

When asked for his side of the story Crash simply replied “Whoa,” followed by unintelligible gibberish. Luckily his sister Coco was able to help defend him.

“It wasn’t pee,” claims Coco. “We bandicoots secrete a special lipid mixture from a gland behind our ears whenever it’s mating season. He can’t help that it’s mating season and he’s been lonely since Tawna left.”

But that makes no difference to Sal. “I don’t care where it’s coming from. It’s getting on the nachos.” 

And the store owner isn’t the only person affected. Community members from all over Downtown Brooklyn are speaking out. 

“I understand that not all people have the privilege of shirts,” stated Khytari Brunson, a 21-year-old cellist attending the Brooklyn Academy of Music. “But I think it’s unjust for Crash to get special treatment just because he’s a bandicoot. Bandicoots are known to carry the plague – yet he’s in there every day, foraging for grubs, breaking boxes, and stealing all the wumpa fruit. You know how hard it is to get good wumpa fruit in Brooklyn?”

Bandicoot expert and arch nemesis of Crash Dr. Neo Cortex gave his insight into the situation, advising that Crash be put down.

“I’ve known how awful he is for decades but no one took me seriously. It’s all fun and games when the target of his antics is some evil genetic experiments but once he starts messing up your big gulps you start to see what I’ve always known.”

At press time, Crash was seen spinning out of 7-Eleven and into a CVS.

Anime Girl Buys Lonely Nerd Body Pillow

BY JACK H. 

NEW NEO-TOKYO — Hayasato Mara, member of super-powered female anime group Sparkle Squad confirmed she has purchased a lonely nerd body pillow.

Mara confirmed the purchase during an Instagram Live in which she addressed rumors about her relationship status.

“As many of you may have already heard, I have found the love of my life. His name is Josh and we are going to spend the rest of our lives together.” Hayasato then gestured to a body pillow placed on the chair next to her depicting Josh Williamson, an e-commerce analyst living in Kansas City, Missouri. 

Hayasato then shocked fans even further when it was revealed that they were engaged to be married. 

“Josh proposed at the top of the New Neo-Tokyo Skytree right before it was destroyed by a kaiju summoned by the evil Dr. Izanami. Luckily Josh was unharmed from the attack and we plan on getting married atop the New New Neo-Tokyo Skytree once it is rebuilt.” 

The body pillow of Josh is part of a fairly popular line of body pillows in New Neo-Tokyo. The manufacturer’s website states that the pillow is part of a line portraying “Men that have gaming chair-based sciatica and mod for VTubers.” 

The relationship between Hayasato and Pillow Josh is not without controversy. Critics of the relationship point to the disturbing difference between Josh’s actual age and the age he is depicted as. 

“While Josh appears to be in his early to mid-40s, canonically he is 24 years old,” explained Sparkle Squad fan Marcus Brookes. “The difference between age and appearance is explained by a lack of exercise, near-nightly edible consumption, and the general crushing weight of existence. It’s not as weird as a 14-year-old woman that looks 22, but it is still kind of a bummer to have to look at.”

Creators of Josh Williamson, Lance, and Donna Williamson were asked their thoughts about the unusual relationship and the use of the likeness of their creation. 

“What are you talking about? What is the Sparkle Squad? Stop calling us.”

At press time, Mara and Pillow Josh’s wedding is scheduled in a few weeks after the section of the city destroyed by the kaiju attack is rebuilt between episodes.

Season 2 of Fallout TV Series Planned for 2034

BY NICK COFFMAN 

LOS ANGELES – Following the renewal of Amazon Prime’s Fallout series, co-showrunners Graham Wagner and Geneva Robertson-Dworet cooled fan expectations by announcing that season two would be released in 2034. Wagner and Robertson-Dworet confirmed the gap between seasons in a Zoom call with members of the media earlier today.

“It’s just how television is done now. We outline the thing, then write the thing, then get notes on the thing, then rewrite the thing, then get notes on the rewrite of the thing, then survive the studio being sold to a new company while new executives decide if they still want to do the thing, then agree to a reduced order of episodes of the thing, then get another set of notes on the thing, then do yet another rewrite of the thing,” Robertson-Dworet shared. “We’d love to have it to you sooner, but this is the creative process.”

Wagner gave the press an even deeper perspective of bringing Fallout to television screens.

“After the final rewrites are done, we’ll finally get to shoot the thing, then I’ll get into a heated argument with Walton [Goggins] about which of us is more handsome and he’ll storm off the set forcing us to recast him in the thing, we’ll cast Pedro Pascal at the behest of Amazon, add a meta joke about the recast, and then proceed to reshoot the thing,” Wagner said. “Once filming is done, we have to edit the thing, and that’s where we realize we didn’t shoot enough footage and have to go back and shoot more of the thing.”

Just before the call wrapped, Executive Producer Todd Howard made a surprise announcement.

“I know Graham and Geneva are hard at work on season two of Fallout, but I am here to announce that they will also be working on adaptations of Starfield and The Elder Scrolls. We’ll be using the same exact process to bring both of those game series to the big screen,” said Howard. “Sadly, this will offset season two of Fallout by another ten years or so. I deeply apologize to anyone who was looking forward to more Fallout in 2034. Please be patient with us as we work hard to bring you these excellent shows.”

At press time, Wagner and Robertson-Dworet were presented with notes from Howard that indicated Howard hadn’t even read the thing he was giving notes on.