Hard Digest April 25: Police Abuse, Early Access Elon, Capitalism, Jam Bands, and More

Cop Beating the Crap Out of College Student Looking Forward to Two Weeks Paid Vacation

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF

NEW YORK — Local cop Thomas Hannon admitted that he’s excited about his upcoming paid leave of absence once he is disciplined for brutalizing a peaceful protester at Columbia University, slightly jealous sources confirmed.

“This is one of the best parts about being a cop. I get to absolutely wallop a bunch of nerds sitting in a circle with my baton and then as a ‘punishment’ for using ‘excessive force unbecoming of a police officer’ they suspend me for two weeks, with pay,” said Officer Hannon while checking how many Expedia points he has available. “Thankfully everyone is filming this stuff now so people can see that it’s clearly my doing the beating. Sometimes I like to find the cameras and let them know my badge number just to make this easy on my commanding officer.”

Police Captain Arthur Angioni says Hannon is one of many officers who take advantage of the department’s disciplinary protocols.

“This is the time of year when lots of my guys will start choking out turnstile jumpers or pistol-whipping street vendors who don’t have permits. I can’t say I blame them, I’d do the same if I were walking the beat. The hardest part for me is having to pretend I give a shit when I give them a stern talking to and tell thim they are suspended,” said Captain Angioni. “But Officer Hannon is a cut above the rest. I think he’s worked about 15 days in the last two years, he’s always under disciplinary review, getting his full pay. At this point, most of the guys at the station just call him Tommy Bahama because he’s always lounging on the beach.”

Eddie Lincoln, a member of the police watchdog group Civilians For Ethical Policing, says these disciplinary practices just incentivize cops to act worse.

“If you went to your job tomorrow and elbowed Gary from accounting in the chest until he passed out you would probably be fired, but police officers are given endless vacation time on the taxpayer dime,” said Lincoln. “They love having the chance to beat some protesters. They grab their riot gear, quote Steven Seagal movies to each other and then discuss what they are going to do with their time off. But if there is an active shooter at an elementary school they usually hang back as long as possible.”

At press time, Officer Hannon was seen choke-slamming a college freshman after finding cheap airfare to Las Vegas.

New Biography Reveals “X” Was Name of Elon Musk’s Beloved Childhood Sled

BY TIM GRAHAM 

SAN FRANCISCO — The author of an upcoming biography of Elon Musk found evidence suggesting his obsession with the letter X is due to it being the name of his cherished sled from childhood, according to stunned advance readers.

“My research found that as a child, Elon’s favorite possession was a particular plastic sled which was branded with a large, stylized X graphic,” said author Samuel Fisch. “It was a gift from his emerald mine-owning father, Errol. Of course, there was no snow in South Africa, so his father would have truckloads of it brought in for special occasions. Little Elon delighted in zooming down the slopes—that is, until the day his father snatched the sled from him and gave it to the child of a woman he was trying to bed. Musk was heartbroken, and the rest is history.”

The billionaire CEO of SpaceX and X denied the claim, going so far as to accuse the author of defamation.

“The allegation that my affinity for the letter X is somehow tied to a traumatic event involving a favorite sled, which signaled the loss of my childhood innocence and instigated a transformation into a bitter, vindictive, petty narcissist is simply absurd,” said Musk while fidgeting with a snow globe. “Fisch should expect to be served very soon as these sorts of lies shall not stand. I had a perfect childhood and a daddy who loved me very much. I just like the letter X, that’s all. It’s the coolest letter. It’s radical, edgy and extreme. It means all kinds of different things, like multiplication or the number ten.”

Psychologist Amelia Crane says that the sled story sounds plausible, given Musk’s public persona.

“Errol’s rejection of Elon being a catalyst for his transformation into the person he became makes perfect sense,” said Crane while examining a grainy photo of a young Musk and what could be the sled in question. “His behavior as an adult is consistent with someone whose sense of wonder and joy was snatched away at an early age. Everything Musk does seems to scream, ‘Notice me, daddy!’—yet it is in vain, for his father remains distant and detached, instead choosing to spend his time having children with his own stepdaughter.”

At press time, Musk had launched an attack on an unfortunate X user with a name similar to Fisch’s, causing them to receive thousands of death threats from blue check Musk loyalists.

There’s No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism. That’s Why I Bought This Huge Death Ray

BY GREG SMITH 

Trying to change the world for the better is tough. Systems in place are designed to maintain the unhealthy status quo. If you truly dedicate yourself to fighting the good fight, feelings of futility are inevitable. “Everything’s bad, so why try at all?”

This may surprise you, but the truth about our systems might help take an unnecessary burden off of you. There is no such thing as “ethical consumption” under the unethical system of capitalism. But we have needs – food, shelter, a huge death ray. And we need to buy them. So why punish ourselves?

Instead, try this reframe: Think less of your buying habits as world-savers but harm reducers. Needing to buy food is inherently wrong, yes, but we do need to. So research a local store run by people in your neighborhood and support them, rather than the mega-corporations.

Similarly, while we all agree that having a gigantic death ray that we use to protect ourselves from pesky neighbors is a basic human need, capitalism makes that service only attainable through money. So I did my diligence: A neighbor at my farmer’s market recommended a mad scientist who makes handcrafted abominations of death, and I reduced the societal harm of capitalism by supporting him economically. Then, he invested that money back into the community by creating a monster out of dead body parts!

And certainly don’t punish yourself for creature comforts. As Emma Goldman said, “If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be a part of your revolution.” An iced latte, a handmade caftan, a flesh-eradicating death ray pointed at your next-door neighbor’s house – revolution needs joy and rest, and if these items provide that, so be it. In my case, of course, the death ray does provide joy and so I need it. That one wasn’t hypothetical.

Now, let’s shift our focus to climate change. The powers that be paint progress as the result of petty acts of individualism – reusable bags, electric vehicles, meatless Mondays, etc.

But the truth? A handful of billionaires are responsible for the majority of emissions. So does it make more sense to punish yourself for forgetting a reusable bag, or to refocus your energy to macro-level actions? Also, shout out to several billionaires who gave me recommendations on what death ray to buy. And yes, it runs purely on solar power and is carbon neutral (as in it will neutralize the carbon-based life form that lives next door to me if the second his hydrangea grows past my property line.

So to everyone fighting: take care of yourself. Make the best decisions you can. And if you see me zapping my next-door neighbor Carl with my enormous death ray, you are not allowed to be mad at me, because what I am doing is self-care, and it is exactly the same as you ordering diapers on Amazon.

Punk Jam Bank Plays Four-Minute Songs

BY JACKY PRITCHARD 

UTICA, N.Y.—Local punk band Mellow Mohawks defied genre norms by blending their counter-culture attitude with jam band aesthetics with their lengthy four-minute songs, confused sources report.

“We were too much for the punk scene with songs that stretched on as long as it takes to make microwave popcorn. After getting banned from our local punk venue for playing a ninety-second guitar solo, we decided to take a shot with the jam band scene,” said Dani “Eggman” Brownstein, the band’s lead guitarist. “Getting a gig at a local festival was surprisingly easy. I talked to this old hippie promoter, right? Told him our music ‘transcends the conventional tempo,’ thinking he’d like the sound of it. He was all in, saying we’re like ‘the cosmic bridge between anarchy and peace. Big fan of that descriptor.”

Concertgoer and fan of both genres, Soulshine Haynes, was surprised by the Mohawks’ four-minute songs.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Most bands in this scene would be halfway through their set at three minutes, but these guys single-handedly pushed the genre into never-before-seen territory. Four minutes is like forty-five days in punk song time,” Haynes stated, while twirling absentmindedly, hula-hoop in hand. “Honestly, I’m as impressed as I am confused. I just took some plant medicine, and now I have no jams to guide the spinning of my hoop for the next 45 minutes while the festival sets up the next band.”

Trey Anastasio, guitarist and singer-songwriter for wildly popular jam band Phish, admits he is impressed by what he heard from Mellow Mohawks.

“A lot of people don’t realize I came up in the New Jersey punk scene. I saw the Misfits during their original run and I loved it, but I always wanted more. 90-second songs were such a tease, that really informed what I do with Phish,” said Anastasio during the middle of a 26-minute guitar solo. “Mellow Mohawks are the band I was looking for when I was a teenager. Just imagine what will happen when they settle into their groove. We could be seeing six minute punk songs, the world might not be ready for that.”

At press time, the Mellow Mohawks drummer, lured by the hiss of nitrous oxide tanks, wandered off during the festival and was last seen boarding the Twelve Tribes’ bus.

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Nintendo Confirms Klefki Not Actually a Pokémon in Any Meaningful Sense

BY NIK THEORIN 

KYOTO, Japan— Beloved video game giant Nintendo released a statement on social media earlier today, where the company confirmed that the Steel and Fairy-type Pokémon Klefki is not really a Pokémon in any meaningful sense.

“Nintendo takes its commitment to players very seriously,” the company said in an unprompted statement. “We have high standards of integrity and openness when it comes to how we communicate with gamers about the properties they love, and it’s for this reason we can no longer remain silent on Klefki, the Pokémon who is constantly collecting keys and was first introduced in Pokémon X and Y. To be clear: Klefki is not a Pokémon.”

“Technically it is a Pokémon,” Nintendo continued, “but not really, you know? In name only. Consider it apocryphal. Pokémon are beloved as companions, friendly critters who grow and evolve alongside their trainers. That mutual relationship has always been at the core of the Pokémon franchise: ‘You teach me, and I’ll teach you’. That’s not Klefki. Klefki can’t teach you crap. It doesn’t love you. It’s pure utility— no more a pet than a wrench is your friend. The sooner the community accepts that reality, the better.”

Kenji Nishida, a lead designer on Pokémon X and Y, was skeptical of Klefki’s inclusion in the game from the very start.

“Variety is part of what makes Pokémon so great,” said Nishida, who previously contributed to the designs of Pokémon such as Stunfisk, Spoink, and that little rat bastard catfishing as Pikachu. “Variety has given us so many iconic designs over the years, from Pokémon that look like magnets, to the alphabet, to voluptuous human women. There’s something for every player to love, even the freaks. But variety has also given us creatures of nightmare: beasts so perverse Adam would sooner beat them to death with hammers than name them. Look, I love Klefki as much as the next guy, which is not at all, I feel nothing, but I have a Golden Rule I try to follow when designing Pokémon. That rule being—ideally—a Pokémon shouldn’t lead an existence indistinguishable from eternal karmic punishment.”

Though Nintendo went on to clarify the unusual key ring Pokémon wouldn’t be removed from Pokédexes any time soon, this didn’t stop some players from voicing their surprise.

“You’re telling me that was a Pokémon?” said Finn Dropem, a 33-year-old veteran player for whom Neopets was a gateway drug. “I just assumed Klefki was a cryptid or lesser demon in the Pokémon universe. I was confused why they never introduced more of them. I was confused by a lot of things. It’s just a ring of keys, right? What are they going to make next? An ice cream cone Pokémon? A dollop of whipped cream? A Pokémon that’s just a goth chick?”

At press time, Nintendo had reportedly amended their statement with the announcement that Vaporeon, a Water-type Pokémon known for its friendly appearance and nothing else, would be removed from future Pokémon media until you all learn to be normal about it.

Uh Oh: New Board Game Really Heavy

BY CHARLES BILL 

Oh no.

We were having our weekly board game night when my friend said he had something new for us to try. She took out a pretty big box, but nothing crazy, and then passes it to me. Holy shit. It was like being passed a piece of a neutron star. I basically fell to the floor from the sudden and immense weight I felt. It was like being passed what you were told was a basketball and catching a medicine ball. 

I wondered what could be in there. Of course the only thing I knew for sure was that learning the rules would take the majority of the night. No party game weighs as much as four elephants stacked on top of one another. We opened the box and saw dozens of figures packed in like sardines, head to foot, groin to groin. 

I struggled to put the box on the table, working up a sweat and nearly vomiting from exertion. The second we opened it and started taking out the game pieces I knew for a fact that we were never getting this box to close the right way again. Like a sleeping bag with an impossibly tight carrying case. 

Each of the figurines was individually painted and had a real weight to them. They were truly beautiful, surely worth the several hundred dollars my friend must have spent for the game. The rule book was the size of an XYZ edition of the encyclopedia. We took the time to set up, spreading out the dozens of pieces to their predetermined place, and then distributing the thousands of resource tokens in a specific order to each of the players.  

We tried to watch a video on how to play, but it was 45 minutes long and included phrases like “Phase Six,” and “at the end of the second planning round.” One of my friends started openly weeping at this point.

Anyway, we just ended up playing Codenames.

$1200 Graphics Card Opens Two Extra Google Chrome Tabs

BY TED CURTIS 

SANTA CLARA, Calif. — Nvidia’s new DPS 5090 graphics card has arrived and is confirmed to be powerful enough to have two additional Google Chrome tabs open.

Nvidia spokesman Jesse Martel sent out a press release announcing the card’s price and capabilities.

“Using the power of the latest graphics technology, users can finally unlock the true potential of their battlestations, cranking out not one but two more tabs of Google Chrome at once! For the low, low price of $1200, gamers can enjoy the full benefits of browsing with Chrome as it does what literally any other browser can do while using exponentially more RAM for some ungodly reason.”

Online tech reviewers such as Jim Stotch are calling enthusiastic about the 5090 and what it can do.

“It’s a step up from the previous model in every way, with its sophisticated 8GB of GDDR6 memory, its 96-bit ultra teraflop matrix processor clocked at 15 Gbps and other numbers you pretend to understand,” said Stotch in a review. “Along with a burning hole in your wallet, this newest card comes with a variety of new features. These include turning your PC into a wind turbine as you dare to open yet another YouTube video in the background to soothe the bored monkey in your brain.”

The card is being widely recommended by reviewers.

“The card offers marginal improvements over the older, cheaper models in its class but the slight boost in performance makes it a must-buy for students who need various CourseHero pages open at once or those who really enjoy watching those 4K 60fps graphics comparison videos at 720p,” concluded Stotch.

While some have criticized the high cost, Stotch defended the price.

“The big number on the side of the card should stave off buyer’s remorse for our customer. Until the inevitable card with a bigger number comes out in four months for the exact same price.”

At press time, details on the anticipated 5090ti are starting to emerge, and say that it’s able to handle a whopping three extra Chrome tabs before detonation.