thehardtimes

Hard Digest April 24: Early Access Keith Richards, Online Dating, Trojan Horses, and More

Added 2024-04-25 00:00:06 +0000 UTC

Rolling Stones Manager Admits to “Weekend at Bernie’s”-ing Keith Richards for Last 35 Years

LONDON — Longtime Rolling Stones manager Joyce Smith finally revealed that she has been deep in a “Weekend at Bernie’s” situation with Keith Richards’ long dead corpse since 1989, sources wondering how she gets him to smoke those cigarettes confirmed.

“Well, when Keith died in the late ‘80s, with a full world tour to promote ‘Steel Wheels’ on the docket, we were all pretty stumped on what to do. But, then I saw some nearby sunglasses, popped them on him, and pointed out that, hell, the alive-and-well Keith didn’t really move around or say much, so Mick and the fellas gave it the thumbs up” said a harried Smith while toggling an elaborate pulley system to make Richards give a thumbs up as well. “I’ll admit, I had a bit of help from the kind people at the Jim Henson Creature Shop with some puppeteering pointers, and also the Lysol corporation for helping keep his stench under control and at least vaguely lemon-scented. It’s a team effort, really, I’m just the one who took the 3-month intensive ventriloquism course.”

Richards’ bandmates were at first apprehensive, but soon admitted to it being just like old times.

“Sure, it took me a gig or two to get used to Ol’ Keithy here always needing to be propped up by a nearby ‘assistant’, but after a while, talking to him was just like talking to Kermit or Grover. You start to ignore whoever’s pulling the strings and are absorbed by the pure magic of this timeless character,” said a beaming Mick Jagger, with his arm around a “napping” Richards. “I don’t mind saying that sometimes I feel closer to this Keith than I ever did when he was breathing oxygen. He’s such a good listener now. Total shit at the guitar though, sad to say. Living beings certainly make better musicians, I can safely say. Thank god for backing tracks.”

No community is more validated by this news than the online music conspiracy theorists who have suspected this for decades.

“I knew it! I would always tell people I could see the little wires moving his hands from fret to fret, but people called me crazy. I caught the head of one of the puppeteers on one of their SNL appearances. Thank god for live TV, the conspiracy theorists only friend,” said Randy Bergens, owner of both the domain names KeithRichardsIsDeadAndInAWeekendAtBerniesSituation.net and KeithRichardsIsAliveAndInAMrsDoubtfireSituation.net, just in case. “Now if only I could get more people onboard with my firm belief that Bob Seger is legally married to a car, I can really feel legitimized.”

At press time, sources still can’t figure out how they make him smoke that cigarette.

Absolutely Tragic: This Woman Blocked a Dude From a Dating Site Moments Before He Was About to Let Her Know That He Was a Pussy Eating Master

BY DAN RICE

From its origins to the modern era, our literature is rife with star-crossed lovers. Helen and Paris from The Iliad. Romeo and Juliet from Shakespeare. “The Notebook” people. Now, from our own interconnected world, comes a story of doomed romance sure to take its place in the annals of human tragedy and resonate through the ages.

A woman on Feeld using the handle Sin_ful_e_Sweet just unmatched with a dude going by JediDick right when he was composing a prose in which he revealed himself as “a master in the fine art of devouring that box.” Jesus wept.

How cruel is this wheel of destiny we are condemned to live in when a woman can so hastily block a potential suitor on a whim—simply for sending and requesting nudes before saying hello—without even knowing she has forever deprived herself of a life-changing cunnilingual odyssey?

The composition, once destined to spark the greatest love affair of our modern era, now exists only as a digital message-in-a-bottle, forever adrift in a lonely sea of pussylessness.

“Yo, let’s see that pussy. Unlike a lot of guys on here, I actually LIKE eating it. I pride myself on being a master in the fine art of eating that box yo😜. Bitches be begging me to stop sometimes, I’m that good. You like my dick? We should hook up, where you at? I can’t host. Where you at? You got nice titties, any topless pics? 420?”

Hades himself could not help but be touched by such prose. These are words that can move boulders, part the seas, inspire revolutions. Alas, they never reached Sin_ful_e_Sweet, and they never will.

Surely the information that she was speaking to none other than the pussy eating master himself, the man who could “tongue box that clit like no other,” would have made her overlook his shitty tattoos, tactless introduction, and dependency on his parents for a place to live well into his 30s. Had DickJedi hit send just a second sooner she might be on her back right now rolling ecstatically in the fields of pussy eating Elysium. Instead, because of a split-second error in judgment, she is forever doomed to a life of actual conversation and subpar pussy eating followed by a lazy backrub.

Our hearts weep for you, Sin_ful_e_Sweet and DickJedi. May the tragedy of your failed coupling serve as a reminder to us all that life is too short to be coy about one’s pussy eating abilities. We implore you to share their story and to update your bio so that people can see your level of pussy eating competence right off the bat.

Bouncer Casually Lets Giant Wooden Horse Through

BY PEYTON CABRAL

OMAHA, Neb. — Mason Asghar, the head bouncer at local club Arroz Con Pollster, recently let in an enormous wooden horse without giving it a second thought, shocked and confused bystanders report.

“It seemed cool as hell. It was kind of funny including the dong and I wanted to see if it could wheel inside the doorframe. I’m pretty amazed it did,” said Asghar. “No, no minors could get inside. Do you think a couple of kids could have made that? It was just a cool ass statue, that’s all. You know, the bar has kinda fallen in a bit of a rough patch, so getting this gift could really help us out. Suddenly, we’re not just the bar that only plays LCD Soundsystem music videos on the TVs, you know, now we’re the bar with the giant horse. Think of the social media engagement!”

Clubgoer Julio Randolph was miffed at Asghar’s unorthodox decision.

“I’ve been standing outside this stupid club for three hours, waiting in line just hoping I get in. Then out of nowhere, this massive horse on wheels, had to be twenty feet tall, cuts in line in front of me,” said a visibly irritated Randolph. “I could hear people giggling inside of it, for fuck’s sake. The bouncer guy takes one look at it and lets it in. I come up to the door and the guy says ‘sorry man, I don’t know if you’ll fit inside the building. I just let a giant wooden horse in.’ How am I supposed to react to that?!”

Bartender Leaf Sanchez also seemed disappointed regarding his coworker’s lack of judgement.

“I’ve trusted Mason like a brother. We’re really proud of keeping ACP a safe place for everybody who wants to come here. We’ve put previous art installations in here before and we can’t afford to keep paying off the fire inspectors.” Sanchez sighed as they wiped down the counter. “That horse does look damn cool though. Maybe we can start charging a cover fee for people to get inside it.”

At press time, a mysterious trap door opened from the belly of the sculpture.

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Here’s Why the Thing You Like Sucks According to Me, Someone Who Learned About It on Twitter Last Week

BY BEN CHERRY M

Hi, it’s me, your friendly neighborhood terminally online Tumblr holdout/virtue-signaling Twitter user/parasocial internet nobody. Whatever archetype I fall into, here I am in your inbox, ready to proselytize to you completely unsolicited. Sorry for barging into your inbox, by the way, even though I have been very much stewing over this for at least a week.

I asked my friends if this was a good idea and they said “Yeah, this is a normal thing people do,” so now I feel entitled to your personal space. Sorry not sorry.

Anyway. You know the thing you’re really passionate about? Been posting constantly about it, might be your current hyper-fixation. Yeah, um, I saw this thread a while back about it. I’ve never seen the thing you like, actually, or played it, or engaged with anything but contextless clips to make fun of them, but it’s giving me bad vibes, man. I’m just concerned. I don’t know you or why you like this thing, but I can’t form my own opinions just yet, and that thread had pictures! Pictures with subtitles and things circled in red! That’s how you know they’re serious!

And, look, buddy, you’re my friend. You don’t recognize my username, icon, or general existence but we’re friends. And I heard that the person or people who made this thing? Bad people. One of them said a slur in high school 20 years ago and still hasn’t said sorry to the audience they gained very recently for it. Another time, they made a suboptimal artistic choice that came across as a little weird. Yeah, sure, they changed it after they got told it was weird, but it still happened. We all know that good pure people never make mistakes, let alone dare have them exist on the internet somewhere.

The internet, of course, is famous for being the place where nothing is permanent. Especially not embarrassing things. When has anyone been impacted years after posting something when they were young and stupid? Never, that’s when. And if you argue with me I’m gonna block you and tell my friends you did a whole buncha buzzwords I don’t know the actual meaning of to me.

But look, man, buddy, honey, sweetie, queen, girlboss, additional slightly demeaning word. I don’t want you to get in trouble. So I’m extending an olive branch from my holier-than-thou tree to tell you this. To tell you how bad and problematic this thing is. Sure, I have no horses in this race, and I haven’t even engaged with the content myself beyond a circlejerk of outside hatred, but I’m suddenly very opinionated about your interests and you need to listen to me right now —

Oh.

You blocked me.

Well, whatever. Common fanboy/fangirl L.

Gamer’s Idea of Spring Cleaning Just Spraying Shit With Compressed Air

BY JACOB ALBRECHT

CHICAGO — Local Gamer Doug Pearson, 31, has reportedly begun his yearly ritual of spraying absolutely everything with compressed air and calling it cleaning, according to concerned sources.

According to Pearson’s partner Grace Gilmore, compressed air is the only thing he cleans with.

“At first I thought it was kind of cute, but the charm wore off once I realized he was serious,” said Gilmore. “He swears by the stuff and refuses to clean with anything else. I’ve tried getting him to sweep, use a duster, wash some dishes, but no. If it’s not compressed air, he doesn’t want any part of it.”

Lizzy Pearson, Doug’s mom, claims that Doug’s odd behavior is nothing new, but that he wasn’t always this way.

“When Doug was a boy he used to love helping around the house. He was always giving me a hand with the laundry, scrubbing floors, shampooing the carpets. He really seemed to enjoy the work,” Lizzy recalls. “But when he was fifteen or so, Doug started building computers and spending a lot of time on Reddit. I was happy that he had found a hobby, but something changed in Doug after that. He would order cases of compressed air to the house, he was obsessed.”

Doug, however, holds fast to his fixation, asserting that his reliance on the product is well-founded.

“Of course I’m obsessed, I don’t understand why people still use anything else,” argues Pearson. “It started as a safe way to clean my computer parts; no need for any washrags, soap, or other materials that might damage the components. Then, I started exploring other applications: Crumbs in the carpet? Spray it with air. Dirty dishes? Spray ‘em with air. Recently, I’ve even been experimenting with utilizing compressed air in stain removal, but so far the results are inconclusive.”

At press time, Pearson’s apartment was filthy, but his $4,000 Multipurpose Gaming/Watching/Working Setup? Spotless.