Hard Digest April 23: Early Access Fantasy Metal, Molly, Rap Skits, and More

Fantasy Metal Show’s Coat Check Consists Primarily of Capes

BY COURTNEY HILL 

LANSING, Mich. — The coat check at the Iron Smelt Theatre was filled almost exclusively with capes during fantasy metal legends Polarian Amulet show, event staff reported while sweeping up prosthetic elf ears.

“For people who put on such airs of adventure and whimsy they sure can cop an attitude when it comes to the handling of their capes,” said coat check attendant Molly Chambers. “Each cape had its own rules that I was somehow supposed to know. One guy threw quartz dust in my eyes for using the wrong velvet gloves while touching his cape. Someone else insisted I steam their sleeveless outer garment every 15 minutes so the hemstitching wouldn’t fray. We’re a coat check, not a museum. The worst was how they only referred to their cape by its proper name. There was no ‘the black one with the red lining,’ only ‘I’ve come to retrieve Lordicai!’ As for tips, I got about a thousand guest passes to the same polycurious magic show.”

One fourth-degree succubus who identified themself only as Xalystra was none too pleased with the cape check service.

“That rube running the operation didn’t know the first thing about capesmanship,” said the longtime fantasy metal fan. “She was hanging capes from feuding mother realms right next to each other. Another time the hood fringe from one cloak got tangled in the neck clasp of another and you could practically see the mana draining from both! Having to explain the obvious difference between a Celtic knot and a Triskelion spiral caused half of us to miss the opening of the show when the band hatches from a dragon egg. Now I’ll never get invited to the backstage virgin sacrifice!”

Veteran hospitality coordinator Patricia Gill was sympathetic of the frustrated concertgoers.

“Coat check failed to honor the cardinal rule of any successful event; know the act! If you’re bringing a band like Polarian Amulet you better believe outlandish outerwear are coming with it,” said Gill. “Patron eccentricity is no excuse for not being prepared to meet their needs. I vividly recall staffing a snake check at a Limp Bizkit concert in Clearwater. It went off without a hitch save for one pit viper we had to put down after throat striking a corndog vendor; you learn to roll with the incidentals.”

At press time, the Iron Smelt Theatre had postponed all future performances while venue personnel worked to cast a summoned demon back to whatever hell it came from.

Help! I Lost My Friend Molly at this EDM Festival and No One Is Being Helpful

BY JOHN DANEK

Iam way too good of a friend. Despite being a total bebop jazz head, I agreed to go to the Sonic Breeze EDM Festival for my friend Molly’s birthday. Lo and behold, she went missing mere minutes after arriving. Upon entering the security check, I squeezed out a quick shit in a porta-potty and she was gone by the time I came out.

To make matters worse, not a single person was even remotely helpful during my search. I went up to some woman covered head to toe in lime green fishnets and asked “Have you seen Molly?” She just grinned and tried to make out with me. The audacity!

Next, I asked a gentleman whose shirt had a rather psychedelic pattern if he had seen my friend Molly, and he started laughing and dry-humping the nearest tree. Is anyone here at all concerned that we have a missing persons case on our hands?

One of the attendees had the audacity to call me a “narc.” What is that about? I’m a bad guy just because I’m trying to solve a missing persons case? I’m all for de-funding the police, but not because they find missing people!

The music certainly isn’t helping. I’ve been trying to find the information tent but all the music sounds like trash compactors and fart noises on every beat. No one could hear me or read my lips. My dental filling from last Thursday came loose from all the bass. I placed it in my fanny pack. I do not believe that this noise fits the dictionary definition of “music.”

But then something interesting happened. The fifth or sixth person I asked for help handed me a pill that looked a lot like my papaya seed capsules, so I took it. While I don’t think it helped my gut flora health, I did start to enjoy the music a bit more. I allowed myself to be free and dance, and if I recall correctly, I made oral love behind a falafel tent.

I felt a sense of joy I hadn’t experienced since I was a child playing capture the flag with my friends. I thought the smile would permanently burn into my face.

This haze lasted a few hours, and after a few oral love-making and receiving sessions, I started to regain my senses. The world became grayer once again, and Molly was still nowhere to be found.

Until I checked my text messages. Apparently, she said she’d “meet me at Stage B” nine hours ago. I really need to check my texts more.

Generation-Defining Rap Song Followed on Album by Least Funny Skit Ever Recorded

BY MICHAEL LUIS

ATLANTA — A recent discovery revealed a beloved once-in-a-generation rap song was followed by the most unfunny skit anyone’s ever heard, confirmed sources who have never gotten through the entire six-minute interlude without skipping it.

“It was so cosmically cheesy that it actually made me second guess my adoration for the otherwise greatest rap song to be written since Skee-Lo’s ‘I Wish,’” said lifelong rap fan Reggie Greenspan. “I mean, the skit started off strong. It was a simple premise of two guys talking about ordering a pizza. Then all of a sudden it devolved into a mixture of surface-level puns, youth pastor-equivalent jokes, and even a couple of extremely dated ‘whazzup’ references. In fact, more than half of the album consisted of humor-less sketches. You would think at least one or two would be funny, even if by accident. They really should’ve stuck to music.”

Rap group Syndicate Crew didn’t think it was that bad.

“We all know comedy is subjective and we found this out the hard way,” said Rob “Nefarious B” Watkins. “Pitchfork actually gave our album two ratings. One for the music and one for the comedic value. Somehow the second rating was a negative number. Feels a bit harsh. Either way, we only use rap as a front for our main passion, which is sketch comedy. We were heavily inspired by the comedic greats of Outkast, Kanye West, and Wu-Tang Clan. Someday we hope to be on the Mount Rushmore of rap sketch comedians. Someday.”

Experts noted the curiously long history of comedy and music.

“They don’t go hand in hand at all unless you’re Weird Al, Tenacious D, or Flight of the Conchords, yet musicians keep trying anyway,” said music journalist Renee Boltron. “And fans absolutely are not having it. For example, Dr. Dre is a highly respected rapper and songwriter, but I think we can all agree that ‘The Chronic’ would’ve been better without that one skit where Dre is having a conversation about the military-industrial complex with the Noid. And don’t get me started on the skit about a dog drinking a grown man’s urine on Blink-182’s ‘Dude Ranch.’ Brutal.”

At press time, members of Syndicate Crew announced they were releasing the B-sides to the album which consists of six new skits and no music.

More From The Hard Times:

21 Punk Albums Turning 21 That Can Now Legally Buy a Case of PBR for Those Teenagers in Front of 7-Eleven

15 Sitcom Dads Based on How Likely They Are to Attend Your Drone Metal Show

GamerGate 2 Review Bombed on Steam for Being Obvious Cash Grab

BY HARD DRIVE STAFF 

STEAM – Frustrated fans are reportedly review bombing the sequel to the 2014 title Gamergate, which saw moderate success despite controversial themes and being generally detached from reality, sources confirmed.

The review bombing comes after many fans of the series began to realize that they were being heavily monetized by those who were cast as the spokespersons of the series.

“I thought it was just a coincidence that so many people began discussing it at the same time,” one former fan said on Twitter. “But then I realized that these people were latching onto this title in order to stay relevant and generate ad revenue. I can handle a couple new YouTube follows but eventually all the group memberships started to really add up. Inflation’s out of control.”

This comes after many content creators have shifted to covering the series after a discovery that YouTube’s algorithm heavily promoted videos that mentioned the sequel. However, not all fans of the series had a negative reaction.

“I don’t understand why people are calling fans of the series hateful,” one fan said. “I just like watching video after video of guys shouting as hard as they can about how no one is hot anymore and they should just die.”

This backlash also has fans worried about the prospects of another sequel, which fans claim is needed to fight against the wokeness of modern games, although after several interviews it was unclear what that meant exactly.

At press time we had lost contact with most of our sources, but did see several of our unreplied to emails appear in a 5-part YouTube series about how Hard Drive has gone woke.

How to Plan Your Build for World War III

BY MATT FRESH 

With World War 3 getting more likely by the day, you’re most likely freaking out. Don’t worry, it’s natural. Everyone has those same thoughts of what they’re going to do when their attempts to avoid conscription fail because too many people use bone spurs as an excuse. And when the bombs start dropping, then what?

You need a good build.

Having a good build can be the difference between surviving long after the earth becomes Fallout 5 and getting killed by fumbling a cigarette lighter Don Draper style. But builds are hard. With so many different things to consider, it can be daunting to even start planning your build. There are so many variations of stats, perks, weapons, gear, and skills that you have to calculate. It’s really easy to just get overwhelmed.

Don’t worry. Here are some tips to help you plan a build for our inevitable mutually assured destruction.

Tip 1: Figure Out What Kind of Survivor You Want to Be

Once the world falls there are a few different types of survivors you can choose to be. You can be a lone wanderer, raider, cowardly leech, bloodthirsty religious cult leader, merchant, Mormon, etc. You can be a bow-and-arrow stealth hunter, a well-armed survivalist who saw this coming a decade ago, you can even go for the OP sicko who continued watching Walking Dead past season six. Whatever you choose though is going to affect your build.

Not every build will work for every type of survivor, so you need to nail down just what kind of survivor you want to be. This will help make figuring out a build much easier. If you know that you want to be a pistol-shooting Twinkie hunter then that means you’re going to want to plan toward a build that will best utilize that skill set. If you choose a build that’s not compatible with your chosen survivor archetype then you’ll be killed faster than a finished movie at Warner Bros.

Tip 2: Don’t Be Afraid to Experiment

One of the main reasons that it seems so daunting is due to the fear of getting it wrong. You want to make sure that you have a build that will ensure not just your survival but the swift and merciless death of any who oppose you. But the desire to get it right can cause you to overthink it so much you just curl up into a ball and let the nukes vaporize you. So while you need some idea of what kind of survivor you want to be, there’s lots of room to see what works. Experiment and find what works for you. You have to understand that everyone is starting from zero so you have time to try out different things. The wasteland will not be conquered in a day, it will at least take the same amount of time it takes for a Bethesda game to release.

Try out the Mad Max, attempt the Rick Grimes, go ahead and do the Jesse Plemmons in Civil War. Experimenting with different builds will help you determine what you’re good at and what you enjoy doing. You might think you enjoy being a lone wandering raider, indiscriminately attacking all you come across but if you put all your eggs into that basket and end up not liking it then you’re screwed. If you get stuck with a build you’re not fully into then you’ll go down faster than a Russian journalist who says something mildly critical of Putin. You have plenty of time before you need a locked-in build and even more before you need to min/max. Use the pre-nuke fighting and the post-nuke settling to experiment and you’ll be ruling the wasteland in no time.

Tip 3: Some Stats Are Universal

While each build is going to prioritize different stats, some are universal. If you want to make it in the nuclear wasteland that Earth becomes there are some things that you need to make sure you level up regardless of what build you end up pursuing. Strength and Stamina are at the top of the list. No matter what kind of survivor you choose to be, you have to have enough strength and stamina otherwise you’re dead meat. After all, how long do you expect to survive if you’re always over-encumbered. There won’t be 2-day delivery anymore, you’re going to have to carry everything everywhere you go. Even if you want to be a lightweight stealth Rogue, you still need to be strong enough and have enough stamina to comfortably carry your supplies and have room for more. The easiest kill anyone is gonna get is the person slowly dragging a duffle bag that’s too heavy.

Another stat you want to make sure that you work on no matter what is perception. It’s going to be a few decades before the radiated air mutates us enough that we start to see important items highlighted. A bonus is it will help your aim with weapons which you’ll also need no matter the build you go with.

And last but most important is charisma. You need to have good charisma no matter what. You will run into other survivors and being able to talk to them will be the difference between wasting valuable resources trying to kill them or simply moving on. Good charisma will also gain you potential companions to help you, and even die in your stead. Even if you want to be a one-person army, enough charisma is still important. It will get you into settlements, it will gain you allies that you can then turn on. Charisma is the difference between the leader of a band of raiders happily giving you some supplies or being forced into a 3-hour car chase that wastes all your supplies. Obviously which type of build you choose will determine just how much you level these stats but no matter what you have to work on them.

Tip 4: Gear is Important, But Skills Are More Important

The gear you have with you with be important, there’s no doubt about that. The weapons you have and the armor you wear will be what keeps you alive much of the time but the most important thing is your skills. When you’re planning your build don’t waste time thinking about the specific gear you’ll have, think about what skills to learn and become proficient in. If you have good aim and recoil control then it doesn’t matter what gun you use to shoot the people coming to steal your toilet paper. And don’t forget about cooking. You can’t rely on ramen and boxed mac n’ cheese anymore. You need to know how to properly cook anything you can find, whether that be animal or human meat. And sorry vegans but you can’t be picky anymore.

Your skills are going to take you further than your gear will. That’s just a fact. So make sure that’s what you focus on. You can plan your build and decide what kind of gear you’ll have out there but it’s no good if you don’t have basic survival skills. Remember, you can always get new gear, there’s always going to be some former Animal Crossing player for you to easily kill and steal their stuff but what good is that if you die trying to climb something? Become proficient in the proper skills and you’ll go far.

Tip 5: Have Fun

Don’t let the stress of build planning and the ever-present threat of death stop you from having fun. This is the end of the world, the thing we’ve all been waiting for since we realized the boomers messed up the world beyond repair and we retreated into a state of existential depression. Have fun out there, raid that pharmacy, throw that Molotov into the house of the racists who live across the street, eat the rich, literally eat them, we’ll need to resort to cannibalism sooner or later in the nuclear winter. This is your time to be who you want, take what you want, destroy what you want, and build what you want. And Preston Garvy won’t be there bothering you every two minutes so go out there and have a blast.

Easter Egg Hinting at Next Game in Series Just Mistake Made by Developer During 113-Hour Crunch Week

BY JACK H. 

SANTA MONICA – Fans of the open-world action RPG Valor of Titans were disappointed this week after an update removed what many believed to be an Easter egg hinting at the series’ next installment.

It turns out the samurai sword and straw hat found tucked away in a corner of one of the game’s inns was actually just a mistake made by an overworked developer during a brutal 113-hour crunch week. The discovery of the out-of-place items had sent the game’s subreddit into a frenzy, with a post titled “JAPAN NEXT GAME’S LOCATION?!?!?!?!?!” garnering thousands of upvotes. However, the excitement was short-lived as the items were promptly removed in the next patch.

Former developer Dan Michaelson took to Twitch to explain what happened.

“Yeah, that’s on me, guys. I was working late on a Saturday and accidentally used the wrong asset. That’s for an unrelated mobile game I’m supposed to just make on the side,” he said. “They were working us pretty hard. What day is it?”

Michaelson revealed that he was also distracted by a Teams message from his manager, who had replied to his request for unpaid medical leave to undergo carpal tunnel surgery.

“The response I got was just a picture of my parents sleeping with a ball-peen hammer in the foreground, which I took as a no,” he said. “I was disappointed that I couldn’t go on medical leave, but at the same time, I was relieved I got a picture from my manager that wasn’t his penis.”

He further elaborated on the toxic work environment, recalling a team lead who told him, “I view this development team as a family, and families stick together. Sticking together means they don’t go tattling on each other to the US Department of Labor Wage and Hour Division because they aren’t being paid overtime.”

When asked why he didn’t go to HR about the issues, Michaelson explained that they were encouraged to email HR and not speak to them in person. After several complaints went unanswered, he decided to check on the status in person, only to find the HR department empty, with a lone poster of a kitten dangling on a clothesline that read, “Don’t Be a Pussy.”

The stream came to an abrupt end when Michaelson accidentally said Bobby Kotick’s name three times, summoning the Activision Blizzard CEO, who promptly consumed the developer’s soul, dooming him to an afterlife in the milky white abyss of purgatory.

At press time season three of the Valor of Titans battle pass is expected to premiere any day now.