Hard Digest April 20: Chicago Hardcore, Komodo Dragons, Authors, Past Success, and More

NBC Adds “Chicago Hardcore” to City-Themed Lineup

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

LOS ANGELES — NBC announced they would be expanding its One Chicago universe this fall by focusing on the punk scene with “Chicago Hardcore,” network executives have confirmed.

“I’ll admit that we’ve exhausted every storyline and plot twist for our procedurals. So we thought– what if instead of shows about first responders and medical emergencies, we told the stories about the people causing said emergencies? Enter ‘Chicago Hardcore,’ our newest entry about mosh etiquette, crew rivalries, and everything that comes along with the hardcore scene,” said executive producer Dick Wolf. “Each episode begins in the pit of a different DIY venue and will let viewers into the lives of the men and women putting each other in the ER, starting trash fires, and smashing police car windows. Plus we got Harm’s Way for the theme song to lend some authenticity to the show. However, it’ll only air on Fridays at 1 a.m.”

Actors in the new series were excited to break into uncharted territory for network television.

“I never met any punks during my time at Julliard, but I’ve been told I carry myself like a young Blag Dahlia. The producers want to soft launch my character on ‘Chicago PD’ next week to gauge interest, so they have me wearing an Against Me! shirt and punching Jason Beghe’s character in the face,” said Jordan Walsh. “I’m excited to be a prominent character in the show, but it’s been a challenge to nail the character down. I didn’t know the role would require so much guttural screaming and spitting on people from Forest Glen.”

Network executives admitted they were taking a risk greenlighting the show after a number of false starts in the recent past.

“Nobody is questioning Dick’s vision, but since the ratings bomb that was ‘Trial by Jury’ we’re a little cautious about stories from the common folk in our tentpole series. Just this year we already greenlit and canceled ‘Chicago Hot Dog Stand’ and ‘Law and Order: Stenographers’. Trust me, there is a very limited audience for both,” said executive Bill Demers. “I’m not sure if an hour-long show about punks accusing each other of being posers is going to click, but the focus groups reacted overwhelmingly positive to the idea of hurling bricks through private hospital windows set to Big Black. Honestly, the hardest part has been trying to court advertisers other than Malort and Old Style.”

As of press time, production was halted after the cast and crew were severely injured while filming during a live show at The Empty Bottle.

How Come You’re Allowed to Bring Your Unruly Kids to Church But I Can’t Bring My Well-Behaved Komodo Dragon?

BY DOUG KOLIC 

These fucking hypocrites at this church make me sick. Each week a sermon is interrupted by another rowdy kid screaming, throwing things, or shitting their pants and making this whole joint stink like a Burger King bathroom. How come their parents are allowed to keep bringing these demon children while I’ve been told on numerous occasions that my well-behaved and toilet-trained Komodo dragon isn’t welcome?

They preach things like “kindness” and “understanding” here. But where was that goodwill when they called the cops on me after I refused to take Chompy home just because he took a little nibble of one of the parishioners waiting in line for the Eucharist? He’s named that for a reason. If you give him enough personal space there’s usually nothing to worry about. But, yeah, if you get up all in his business he’s going to react because that’s what apex predators do.

I’m not exactly sure what Jesus would say about pet dragons since I just come here for the free Wi-Fi and usually tune out the lame priests talking out of their asses, but from what I’ve read on various bumper stickers it sounds like he’s pretty chill about all his father’s creations, including 175-pound reptiles who aren’t dangerous unless hungry, provoked or sometimes just ‘cause you walked by too fast. It’s not like I let him roam around willy-nilly, I have a very controllable twelve-foot leash, maybe one of these people can borrow it and wrangle their kids for once.

I hate being made to feel like I’m the bad guy. Last year when they asked me to stop bringing in my Burmese python because serpents are apparently a “symbol of evil” from the underworld which was freaking all these Bible-lovers out, I not only did what they requested but I also did the mature thing and found him a better home in the creek behind the local daycare. He was such a good swimmer and loved kids.

Perhaps organized religion isn’t for me. Listening to a bunch of false prophets telling me how to live my life and who create arbitrary rules about who can and can’t worship in God’s House is a bunch of BS. Maybe it’s best to let bygones be bygones and spend my valuable time elsewhere. Right after I break in tonight with Chompy and let him go to town on these new pews that the congregation spent all year raising money for. He’s gonna have an absolute field day with this red oak.

“About the Author” Page Offers Strange Peek Into Sad Little Life

BY PRESTON LONG

CONCORD, N.H. — Readers across the country were horrified to find that the “about the author” page on a new bestseller gave insight into some of the most disturbing hobbies and quirks imaginable, sources vowing to only watch TV from now on confirmed.

“Well, you see, I like to keep busy with hobbies outside of writing, to keep my mind sharp. I have my soap whittling, my insect taxidermy, and of course, my ever-growing collection of used body casts I get from hospitals around the world,” said best-selling author and apparent total loser Franford Gerber, not noticing we were slowly backing away from him. “I know, I know, you’re saying ‘oh, he spends his free time watching live-feeds of exotic bird baths – stereotypical middle aged male!’, but, hey, it informs the work, which people seem to enjoy! Although, I haven’t heard firsthand, since my publishers think it’s a good idea for me ‘not to leave my house deep in the woods’, so I’ll have to take their word for it.”

Former fans of the author were unsettled with the information gleaned from Gerber’s new tome’s bitter bummer of a dust jacket.

“This dude’s a straight-up freak!” cried former fan Omri Warrendish, while looking for a trash can or fireplace to rid himself of the book. “How can a guy who readily offers up that he ‘lives in a cabin with the ghost of his dead mailman’ write a novel so damn compelling? I don’t know if I can condone this guy’s lifestyle, I liked it better when he was just a mystery, and I could pretend he looked like my grandfather. But, my grandfather wouldn’t stand idly by while a professional writer confessed to ‘finding cumulus clouds sexually attractive’ on the back of his breakthrough novel! If you’re gonna be a complete weirdo, at least have the decency to suck!”

Leading literary scholars agree that most professional authors have their reclusive nature thrust upon them by their agents.

“Well, confidentially, it’s common for an author’s quote-unquote ‘reclusiveness’ to be a preventative move on the publicist. A lot of these folks are straight up pathetic, and spend their free time doing the most pitiful shit that, if word got out, would really flatline book sales,” said New York Times book critic Alexandra Jacobs, with a shudder. “I mean, if you think the stuff that makes it into the blurb is upsetting, just think about the stuff the publisher decides not to include! I mean, let’s just say most Pulitzer Prizes should come with an ankle monitor with a radius that keeps these chuckleheads in their own yards. Honestly, it’s the publicists that should get the awards, for keeping the world safe from these weird authors’ whole vibes! There, I said it!”

At press time, Gerber was encouraged by his publicist to take an eternal vow of silence to “encourage mystique, yeah, that’s it! Mystique!”

​​Help! The Coolest Thing I’ve Ever Done Is Slipping Further and Further Into The Past!

BY JAY WELLS L'ECUYER 

So I’m throwin’ back a few garage beers at my niece’s 3rd b-day bash, and this guy mentions a huge band I opened for. I couldn’t believe it. Usually I have to strategically shoehorn that into every conversation. So I bust in with the classic, “You know I opened for them back ‘09,” then proudly scan for approval. But my buddies just rolled their eyes like, “Not this story again,” and my teenage nephew asked, “Who?” Has my one massive accomplishment been reduced to a meaningless footnote in time? Help!

Man, old people are right… Time sucks! I thought the wow factor of this insanely cool tidbit would last a lifetime. So now what? I have to get back out there and do another cool thing?! Do you know how hard that one cool thing was to accomplish? I was in a slew of shitty bands for like 10 years before that one magical night when Gore Cock came to town. And sure, we were the first of 8 bands on that night, and our set was over before they even got to the venue, but it still counts! I have the show flyer to prove it!

We totally would’ve kept doing cool things, but that one big night sadly became our undoing. Bands rarely survive once big money is involved. You’d think splitting $100 five ways is easy enough, until egos and gas money rear their ugly heads. Yep, that was the end of my music career. I asked for more hours at the bowling alley, and I was more than okay with that, since I’d always have Gore Cock.

You know what? Sorry the music industry doesn’t have linear growth like their dumb office jobs. It’s a rollercoaster, and you can never really tell if a cool moment was your peak or just another step up the success ladder. I just have to get back in the game and outdo myself! I’ll get the band back together, relearn the bass, rehearse the old gold and start touring!

Ugh, that all sounds so exhausting. Why do I even care to impress this idiot? Sure, I got trashed and popped the bounce castle, but honestly, who brings up Gore Cock at a 3-year-old’s birthday party? And if I’ve learned anything here, it’s that if my friends aren’t impressed by my stories, then I don’t need new stories… I need new friends!