Hard Digest April 19: Taylor Swift, Early Access 420, Record Store Day, Blue's Clues, ICP, and More

Internet Detectives Believe New Taylor Swift Track “Florida!!!” About Troubled Relationship With Swamp-Dwelling Skunk Ape

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

APALACHICOLA, Fla. — Dedicated Swifties across the internet believe the new Taylor Swift song “Florida!!!” is about her highly publicized breakup with the mythical swamp creature known as the Skunk Ape, sources confirmed.

“Taylor has a type. She likes big, beefy, and kind of oafish guys. Before she was with Travis there were multiple reports that her jet was landing at a small airport near the swamps of the Florida panhandle,” said Swift super fan Kylie Burke. “Then paparazzi photos emerged of her eating a plate of random meat at Duke’s Gator Hut with a giant hairy beast that reportedly smelled like stepped in dog crap. It’s obvious ‘Florida!!!’ is about that breakup which was really tough on her. It ended when the Skunk Ape refused to be her date at the Grammys because he wanted to stay in Florida to harass local fishermen and eat roadkill. She needs someone that will put her on a pedestal, not just lurk through swamps and scare children.”

The song’s co-writer Florence Welch, who also does guest vocals on the track, seemed to corroborate the internet’s hypothesis.

“All of Taylor’s lyrics are up for interpretation. But yes, it’s no surprise that this is a deeply personal song about a time in her life that she would like to move on from,” said Welch. “We actually took the team down to Florida for a few days while writing the song so Taylor could show us some of the places she liked to frequent when she was there. There were a few illegal moonshine stills, a trailer where some guy named Tick was making a new variant of amphetamine, and of course there was the makeshift shack by the swamp where she spent so many nights just laughing and having the time of her life with that one special friend.”

Cryptid expert Dr. Niles Swanson believes there are other songs in Swift’s catalog about mythical creatures she dated.

“I’ve gone through Taylor’s discography multiple times and I believe that ‘Lover’ is actually about a terrible date she had with the Loveland Frog of Ohio. ‘Sparks Fly’ is about the deep friendship she had with the Jersey Devil, but that friendship ended when Taylor didn’t let the Devil join her backing band,” said Dr. Swanson. “Some people even believe she dated the Mothman, but I think that’s a ridiculous rumor, everyone knows the Mothman is gay.”

At press time, Netflix announced they will be producing a three-part documentary series about the Skunk Ape’s romance with Swift.

Punk on “Survivor” Keeps Trying to Vote Out Ronald Reagan

BY JOE RUMRILL

FIJI — A lifelong punk rock devotee in the middle of his tenure on this season’s “Survivor” repeatedly attempted to vote out Ronald Reagan at the last five tribal councils, sources confirmed.

“Look, man, this is finally my chance to vote that son of a bitch out, whether he’s here or not, and I’ve gotta take it. This is for the good of the tribe, even though everyone keeps getting mad at me for ‘wasting my vote,’ they’ll be singing a different damn tune once I explain what trickle-down economics means for game show contestants,” spewed Spinelli “Spits” Morganoff, while carving a Crass logo into a palm tree. “That mil’ at the end of the line is gonna get taxed to all hell thanks to you know who. Not on my watch, he’s gotta go! I may do the same for Governor Jerry Brown, if they haven’t formed an alliance yet. This one’s for YOU, Jello!”

“Survivor” host and executive producer Jeff Probst is wary of Morganoff’s methods, but intrigued on how it will affect gameplay.

“I’ll say this: Spits may not be ‘outwitting’ or ‘outplaying’ any of the other Survivors this season, but he’s certainly outlasting. We’re talking about a guy who insists on drinking his own urine, despite there being a freshwater source provided just outside the camp. His gambit of writing in Ronald Reagan at every tribal is a rogue move, but it may pay off, we’ll just have to keep watching. There’s precedent with stuff like this, like when the goth we had on Season 31 kept trying to vote off sunlight every week!” said an always-excited Probst. “Plus, the other players this season seem to enjoy that Spits attracts all the island’s annoying fruit flies due to his overwhelming natural stench. I’d bet they’ll keep him around just for that reason alone. ”

One person not amused by Morganoff’s power plays is Fiji resident, and unwelcome specter to all, the ghost of Ronald Reagan.

“Well, I sure as shoot didn’t somehow evade eternal hellfire and end up on a remote Fiji island just to get voted off before the tribal merge. I should have marked where the producers hid that ‘idol nullifier’ with a secret pile of jelly beans when I had the chance,” said Reagan’s ghost, while flanked by the apparitions of two secret service agents. “Keep in mind, I came from the world of acting first, so I can use that to my advantage to forge alliances with the other dead presidents on this island, and nip that young upstart in the fanny come next tribal. He put the wrong gipper on the chopping block, you can quote me.”

At press time, Morganoff broke his streak by refusing to vote in order to keep the parchment in hopes of using it to produce a zine.

We Sat Down With the Insane Clown Posse Because They’re on the Admissions Board for Clown College

BY JAMES KNAPP 

Insane Clown Posse: the jester-kings of the proudly unwashed. While we have long been fans of the acclaimed horrorcore duo, we have never been able to take the time to really speak with Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope outside of the occasional passing pleasantry on the days when we both have to be in court for some bullshit.

Imagine our delight when, upon finally pulling the trigger on our lifelong dream of attending clown college, we came to find out that two of the insaniest clowns we’d love to know would be prominently present on our admissions board. “What a treat!” we thought. Not only would we get a chance to finally bail out of this internet punk news racket and get into where the real money is, performing at children’s birthday parties, but we’d also be able to get to know our soon-to-be-mentors in the scope of professional clowning.

But holy butt-sucking-crap! Those guys are real intense sticklers about the finer points of being an educated clown.

We figured they might give us some leeway considering we come from an adjacent scene to theirs. But as soon as Violent J chucked a handful of uninflated balloon animals at us and screamed that we had “three minutes to build a working ferris wheel or [he was] gonna inflate all of them inside of [our] ass” we knew we were in over our heads.

Seriously, we only had hopes of improving ourselves moderately and discovering a new trade that we feel compliments our inherent need for attention as well as our deeply ingrained penchant for the dramatic arts. If we had known that clown college would be such a cutthroat slog then we would have just stayed in business school. We’d still be miserable but at least that way our fathers would be proud of us.

Things came to a head when we were asked what we hoped to achieve with our clowning degree. Apparently “bring joy and wonderment to the children of the world” is the least acceptable answer they’ve ever heard because that’s when Shaggy 2 Dope pulled out a length of rusty bike chain and threatened to “beat the Redpop Faygo” out of us unless we got the hell out of their lecture hall.

So it would appear that clown college just isn’t in the cards for us. Such a shame, but maybe we could ask the guys from Slipknot if they have any leads on a seasonal haunted house that could use any extras.

Steve From “Blue’s Clues” Touches Hearts of Millennials by Beating Dan Schneider to Death With His Bare Hands

BY STEPHEN BELL 

LOS ANGELES – Millennials recently found themselves bawling with tears of joy after Steve Burns of “Blue’s Clues” fame once again touched their hearts by viciously beating Dan Schneider to death with his bare hands, according to multiple viewers of the live-streamed event.

“If there’s one thing I always wanted to teach the kids who watched ‘Blues Clues’ it’s that you have to be ready to do the right thing,” said Steve from behind the glass in the local jail. “That’s why after watching the ‘Quiet on Set’ documentary I knew I had to take action. I followed all of the clues before sitting down in my thinking chair and thinking about what to do. I soon realized that abused children, Dan Schneider, and my fists all added up to justified vigilante justice. My dog might be blue but I vowed my hands would be magenta after I was done with him.”

The vicious beating which was shared by Burns over TikTok Live was met with rave reviews by millennials who watched.

“This was the greatest smackdown I have ever seen in the history of ever,” said 34-year-old Justin Greenlee. “It all started off with Steve looking at the camera and saying he was proud of me while he approached a lavish looking LA house. The next thing we see is Dan Schneider’s greasy face as he answers the door. At this moment Steve starts singing ‘here’s my fist it never fails, when I swing it really sails, when it strikes I want to wail, dieeeeee!!!’ and then he just starts bashing in Dan’s skull. Now I can be happy about Dan Schneider and Jennette McCurdy’s mom both being dead.”

Other former Nickelodeon stars chimed in wishing that they had been the one to put the hurt on Dan Schneider.

“I knew Steve was a good guy but now I think he’s a great guy,” said former “All That” and “Pete and Pete” star Danny Tamberelli. “I briefly appeared on “The Amanda Show” which Dan directed but my only role was a claymation me coming out of a toilet so I didn’t know him that well. However, after hearing about all the abusive and weird stuff I wish I had gotten to know him. And by gotten to know him I mean make sure that my fists knew the inside of his skull as I turned his brains into pudding. I would never have used my feet to stomp him though because weirdly enough he probably would’ve been into that.”

At press time, it was reported that a spotted blue puppy was seen in LA carrying around the decapitated head of convicted pedophile and former Nickelodeon employee Brian Peck.

Opinion: Back in My Day, You Had to Play an Hour of “Pro Skater” with a Stranger Before Taking Home a Dry Eighth

BY ARIELLE ANDREANO

Itry really hard not to be the “Back in my day…” type of gal, but every time 4/20 rolls around, I can’t help thinking about how easy the kids have it now. When they want to restock their weed supply, all they have to do is walk down the street, enter a fancy storefront, and their Genius Bar budtenders will make all their dreams come true. They tell them the exact THC milligram amount of each product, discuss different cannabis strains and their effects, and show them a multitude of methods of delivery into the body. Your every weed wish is their command.

Us? We used to have to go to some random guy’s house, usually some dude your friend’s girlfriend met once at a show, probably named something like Skeeter. You’d show up and he’d be playing video games – he really liked “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater” – and he’d ask you to join. You’d be like, “Nah, man. I don’t really play.” But it would become clear that if you wanted bud, you’d have to listen to “Superman” by Goldfinger on repeat and play him in a few games of SKATE. For some, it was easy. For me, it took hours. Skating just didn’t come natural to me.

Sure, sometimes he’d try to tell you about the qualities of the weed he had. But none of it made sense, and there was a lot of “This shit right here, this shit is _____ (version of “dank” of your choice). But it didn’t matter. Every time, you’d point to one bag at random, give him $50 for an eighth of an ounce, and hope for the best. The kids just don’t know the feeling of not knowing if the joint you’re rolling (yes, you had to roll it yourself) is going to give you that light high you need to make it through family dinner or send you to Mars on the back of a unicorn made out of fire.

Do I miss the old days? Yeah, I think about him every time I see someone skateboard down my block or watch someone jump into a volcano in my dreams. I wonder where he is now, and if he ever got the secret tape in the Warehouse. I’m told despite the hours he put in, he must not have been very good. Bless him.

Target Celebrates Record Store Day with 35 Different Versions of Taylor Swift’s “The Tortured Poets Department”

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Retail conglomerate Target announced today that they would be participating in Record Store Day by offering 35 separate versions of Taylor Swift’s new album “The Tortured Poets Department,” sources unloading crates and crates of records confirmed.

“We’ve partnered with Taylor for years to carry a myriad of exclusive variants of her albums and re-releases, but on this Record Store Day we wanted it to be special. We’re happy to let our guests know that we’ve thrown our existing vinyl inventory into a landfill to make room for 35 separate versions of ‘Tortured Poets Department,’” said VP of Logistics Mike Wallace. “Guests can get their hands on these records that will also come with exclusive Target content like Taylor reading random words from the dictionary, or a 20-minute butt dial from Travis Kelce passionately talking about zoo animals. Not only will fans be happy, but so will our shareholders. We’re going to be printing money today.”

While the corporate offices were looking forward to the extra revenue, store employees were trying to control the chaos on the ground.

“This has already been the worst day of my life and it’s not even lunchtime yet. It took all night to painstakingly set up displays just for everything to sell out 15 minutes after we opened the doors. Now we have Swifties tearing the store apart because they think there’s some secret 36th version hiding somewhere,” said Kevin Kerns. “I feel bad using the actual Record Store Day exclusives we got to barricade the doors, but we didn’t have a choice. I guess it’s somewhat comforting to know physical media is still popular, but not every one of her albums needs a one off track where she sneezes mid-song.”

Many independent record store owners unsuccessfully tried to procure even a handful of Swift’s albums.

“How the hell are we supposed to compete with the retail chains when they’re shilling variants of ‘TPD’ where she’s singing backward? I reached out to her label for just a few copies of the vanilla version and they said their minimum order was 25,000 units,” said store owner Cindy McClane. “As much as I want Record Store Day to focus on celebrating rare and revived albums, it would be nice to make a year’s rent in a day. Hopefully we’ll come close with all these copies of At the Drive-In’s ‘In/Casino/Out’.

Target later addressed the inventory issues, saying there were still plenty of copies of the Taylor Swift/Refused split 7” in stores.

More From The Hard Times:

Every Stars Album Ranked Worst to Best

Scrooge McDuck Trades Entire Fortune For Sack of Wet Bread

BY JOE RUMRILL 

DUCKBURG — Billionaire Scrooge McDuck has reportedly traded the entire contents of his world-famous money vault for a sack of moistened bread, frustrated sources confirmed.

Duckburg CPA Fenton Crackshell, the long-suffering accountant of McDuck was mortified to learn the deal was made without being consulted.

“Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later! At the end of the day, the guy’s still a duck at heart. And have you ever had some wet bread around a duck before? We can’t control ourselves! Oh man, just thinking about it has got my beak watering,” said the now-unemployed Crackshell, while gobbling down the 10% of the sack he’s entitled to. “I just wished he’d consulted me before making such a brash decision, I probably could have drawn up the language in the deal and gotten him a few extra moldy bagels or an old pretzel on top of everything.”

McDuck himself is unrepentant and claims the business deal is one of the best he’s ever made.

“He who controls the soggy sourdough controls the entire city of Duckburg, as far as I’m concerned! Plus, now I won’t have to deal with those pesky Beagle Boys. They took one look at the sack of slop and it churned their low-life stomachs! McDuck wins again,” celebrated McDuck, while wandering around his now barren vault, save for a few slimy crumbs. “And now I can leave my grand-nephews something of worth in my will. If I can manage to resist devouring it all in one sitting, these lads stand to inherit a hearty sum, for as you know, like the finest of wines, wet bread only appreciates with age. Soon, not only will it be bread, but mushrooms should start sprouting any day. Part of a balanced breakfast!”

Financial historian Desanto Lusk claims that this deal could go down in history if it is not rewritten as per the catchy theme song.

“I’ve been monitoring situations like this for years and it doesn’t usually end well,” said a sweaty Lusk from his office teeming with loose papers and old food containers. “The worst case was Popeye, who lost everything in the great spinach famine of 2003. Poor guy…he yis what he yis though, so you can’t fault him there. McDuck is synonymous with success though, so he’ll most likely come out on top. Plus, nobody’s mentioned yet that the bread is Wonder brand. Top shelf, primo stuff.”

At press time, the source McDuck traded his billions to was revealed to be Oscar the Grouch, who merely wanted more clutter to fill his trash can.

“There Are No Skins on Earth Left to Add” Announces Weeping, Bleeding Epic Games Employee

BY DAN SAXOTWEET

CARY, N.C. — After almost 7 years, 5 chapters, 28 seasons, and 1624 skins, Fortnite fans are in mourning today as Epic Games has confirmed they have officially run out of skins to add to the game.

The news was announced through tears by Epic Games Chief of Skin Licensing John Hart.

‘We’ve tried everything!’ We’ve tried making skins from new memes, but other big brands use them before us and kill the joke,” Hart explained weeping manically. We’ve tried waiting outside maternity wards to see if we can purchase the rights to any interestingly shaped newborns, but their parents either call the police or demand far too many royalties! I even tried feeding my skin into our servers, but all that got was a bunch of comments asking what happened to Peter Griffin’s hairline and I can’t get the bleeding to stop. I’d go to the hospital but we need to crunch. We can’t go on like this!’”

In a video message posted to Twitter (now X) Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney assured fans they will find a way to get more skins.

“No matter what it takes, I will do everything in my power to make sure Fortnite has new skins until the end of time,” said Sweeney as he was smashing up iPhones. “I’ve put everyone in the company on it. Every department from art to QA to the actual gameplay devs. We know the most important thing to our players is overpriced skins so that’s obviously our main focus.”

Sweeney revealed in the video that in the meantime they will be selling organs of popular skins for players to use in-game as skins.

“If there is one thing I have learned from my fellow Sweeneys, it’s that in the public eye popular figures are just a sum of their most noticeable body parts and the insane personal beliefs you can plaster onto them, so why not sell these parts individually?” 

At press time, Fortnite players can now download  Chapter 6 Season 4, where they can play as the spleen of Mr. Beast, the gallbladder of Harley Quinn, the left kidney of the Michelin Man, or the shattered heart of one of the default guys who nobody ever plays as. 

“New Folder (2)” Ominously Found Just Sitting There in the Documents Folder

BY DAN KATZ 

MINNEAPOLIS — During his annual laptop hard drive cleanup, 48-year-old Twin Cities writer Wesley Monroe discovered that “New folder (2)” is just ominously sitting in the Documents folder.

Created May 6, 2019, “New folder (2)” seems to have some sort of intended purpose, but that purpose has completely escaped Mr. Monroe’s memory.

“I honestly have no idea what this folder is for, but that lack of knowledge makes me hesitant to delete it,” Mr. Monroe said. “I see a photo of my daughter sitting on the couch eating a chipwich, another photo of my son looking out the window, a few random .7z files with cryptic names, and an Excel spreadsheet containing numbers, but no column or row labels. None of it makes sense. What was it for? What was the purpose? I can’t delete but I don’t want to keep it. It’s just there taunting me”

“My big brother can immediately identify any one of the 2,300 Shutterstock images he has saved in his Downloads folder for work, but this ‘New Folder (2)’ thing is really throwing him for a loop,” said Monroe. “And now he’s worrying himself even more, telling me that ‘New Folder (2)’ implies the existence of ‘New Folder,’ which is nowhere to be found.”

Mr. Monroe thought that the read-me.txt file in “New folder (2)” would provide a clue as to why the file repository was created only to be left untouched for half a decade, but all it contained was the phrase “Revision 1.2.8.”

“I feel bad that my husband is so frustrated about this, but I’m just happy that it isn’t a folder full of porn,” explained a visibly relieved Julia Monroe. “It has such a generic, non-descript name that I thought it was rather obvious that there had to be porn in there.”

When asked why her husband would keep pornographic images on his computer when it’s all available online, Mrs. Monroe shrugged and replied, “I don’t know, maybe just nostalgia from the dial-up BBS days.”

The mystery folder also contains a 2,520,191 KB file named s3-rtppol.iso, which Mr. Monroe believes could point to some game or DVD-ripping project he had going, but he already has a folder for GameCube ROMs and MCU torrents on his D: drive. It’s so entirely out of place that there must be intention, but it’s also so random as to be rendered meaningless.

At press time, Mr. Monroe was in the process of changing the name of the folder “Tax Files – Old” to “Red tablet app backup 2015.”