Hard Digest April 18: Ukraine, Early Access Black Metal, Sludge, Perverts, and More

Facebook Launches “Most Powerful Profile Picture Filter Yet” in Support of Ukraine Against Russian Invasion

BY IAN STEFFÉ 

MENLO PARK, Calif — Facebook parent company Meta launched what it describes as its “most powerful Facebook profile picture filter yet” in a bid to support Ukraine amidst the ongoing Russian invasion, confirmed multiple soon-to-be-laid-off employees.

“With the tide of the ongoing war in Ukraine sadly going in Russia’s favor, we feel like our previous efforts needed an overhaul,” said Meta spokesman Andy Stone. “With this filter, we have some features never seen before in a socially conscious profile picture. Right off the bat, we made the blues and yellows much deeper on the flag. That’s not nothing. I mean these are VERY blue and yellow. Then, we’ve added a QR code to every profile that utilizes the filter that will lead you to a YouTube tutorial on how to properly pronounce ‘Volodomyr Zelesnkyy.’

“Then there’s the robust artificial intelligence we’ve programmed. With an upload of their likeness, the user can be posed in solidarity with 15 pop culture options that include ‘Paw Patrol,’ the Minions from ‘Despicable Me,’ and the cast of History Channel’s ‘Pawn Stars,’ all reflecting somber reflection in the face of the brutality of war,” Stone added.

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer admits he was moved by Meta’s commitment to the people of Ukraine.

“This is really inspiring, I immediately changed my profile photo so I could show my support for the brave men and women fighting on the frontlines,” said Senator Schumer. “Further, this is one of the only times I’ve seen support from both sides of the aisle for this initiative. It’s also the largest aid package the United States can offer Ukraine right now, and we feel confident in its efficacy. I mean it’s the least we could do. The very least.”

Dr. Oleksandar Archaki, administrator of City Hospital No .1 in Kyiv reacted strongly to the filter.

“I’m sorry, the fuck did you say? A facebook filter? This is what we were told we should be patient for? I’ve got one nurse per 50 patient beds. A lot of us are on our third or fourth day without sleep working around the clock.” Dr. Archaki yelled, clutching a cigarette with an inch long ash. “No but seriously, thank you. Our people will be so relieved. Maybe we can print out one of your AI pictures of you assholes and Dr. Frasier Crane and eat that when our food supplies run out.”

As of press time, Meta promised this was just the beginning, a special edition of Beat Saber honoring Palestine and soundtracked by a remix of Aaron Bushnell’s last recorded words is set to be released later in the week.

Black Metal Musician Mortified That Coworkers Enjoyed His Music

BY HANNAH COHEN

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local black metal artist Aortic Burst was humiliated yesterday when his coworkers listened to, and subsequently legitimately loved, his music, well-meaning sources confirmed.

“It’d be one thing if I worked in, say, a tattoo parlor or maybe a slaughterhouse, you know? Those are the types of fans I’d want for the type of stuff I write. But, shit! I do administrative assistant work and data entry for a certified public accounting firm. These are not the type of people I need throwing up the horns when they pass my cubicle, I want these folks to either fear me or ignore me completely!” cried Aortic Burst (née Harold Lessings) as he finished his lunch break and grimaced at the idea of re-entering the office. “Now I have all these dudes in button-ups and khakis asking me when my next ‘gig’ is, and if they can sit in because they ‘knocked around a little bass-age back in college’ and ‘knows the guy who does Dee Snider’s taxes.’”

Lessings’ officemates at Appletree Business Services seemed to be genuinely supportive of their administrative assistant’s musical endeavors.

“That kid’s got a real future ahead of him, you can quote me. He just needs a cleaner tone, maybe even invest in an acoustic, so we can have him do a little show here at the office holiday party!” said Lessings’ direct superior Kathleen Zander. “We even replaced our regular hold music with Aortic Burst’s new album ‘Sons of the Septic Scythe’, and our clients have really responded well to it. We’ll have to tell Harry how proud we are of him over cake at Linda’s birthday celebration in the breakroom come 4:45!”

Leading authorities on the black metal genre were surprised to find their style of music was so welcomed by workplace culture.

“When I heard that accounting firms across the globe were appreciating a genre I’ve always felt was fairly niche, it took a minute for me to warm up to the idea. But, when you think about it, music is for everybody, even if they’re a corporate drone,” said legendary black metal figure Abbath Doom Occulta, over Zoom. “I’m heavily considering getting Immortal back together to record some corporate jingles, or maybe do a North American tour of human resources seminars. I think the dress code might be a little stifling, but it could be a pretty big moneymaker for us.”

At press time, Lessings returned to find the office had raided the printer toner cartridge for corpse paint.

Was Your Loved One Killed by Ten Million Pounds of Sludge From New York and New Jersey? You May Be Entitled to Compensation

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

Attention Boston area residents! Was one or more of your loved ones killed by ten million pounds of sludge from New York and New Jersey? You may be entitled to financial compensation thanks to a multi-million dollar class action lawsuit settlement against Fresh Kills Landfill.

Hi, I’m Velouria Shastasheen. If your spouse or kin were exposed to the deadly wave of mutilation incident of 1989 which also saw the death of the underwater god who controlled the sea, the law firm of Shastasheen and Grieves want to help you to get justice and closure.

Exposure to the sludge has resulted in death and put others at risk of possible life altering medical conditions such as nervous walking, sliced-up eyeball syndrome, and mesothelioma. Rest assured we have gouged away at those responsible in order to get you the peace of mind you deserve.

The states of New York and New Jersey failed to disclose the severity of the sludge radius after the superfund site was established, resulting in the contamination of the Franklin Zoo’s water supply. Their employees and monkeys may have gone to heaven, but after more than two decades SJG successfully helped settle a record settlement to ensure families of the victims got their day in court. One of our clients Jose Jones told us his story. He had friends like Paco Picopiedra who had dreams of growing up to be a debaser. But after that dream was cut short, Mr. Jones bravely stepped forward and asked us to stand up to malfeasance in memory of his friend.

For nearly 40 years we have helped countless families obtain restitution due to corporate negligence. In 2019 we settled with Volkswagen after their emissions scandal caused a creature in the sky to get sucked in a hole (now there’s a hole in the sky). His family received $3.2 million for his wrongful death, and so can you.

Hey, we’ve been trying to meet you! Please don’t wait, call 800-567-DOOLITTLE today for a free legal consultation and information packet. Remember, you never have to wait so long. Call now!

Perverted Headliner Likes Watching Opener Entertain His Crowd

BY PRESTON LONG 

ATLANTA — Bystanders at a recent singer-songwriter showcase were reportedly creeped out after witnessing the headliner awaiting his set watching the opener beguile his audience far too lasciviously, unnerved sources confirmed, while keeping their distance.

“Look, man, what can I say? It’s not a crime to get off on someone else pleasuring what’s mine! You get your jollies your way, and I’ll get ‘em mine. Heh, and man oh man do I get mine!” smirked headliner Rick Yeoman, using his guitar to cover his midsection at the mere thought. “Ya gotta keep things spicy on the road, you know? Including an opener in my relationship has only proven the love I have for my audience more. I know I can trust them, not like my ex-audience who used to let me fall to the concrete whenever I tried to stage dive. Communication is key, and I’ve found that with these crowds. I know that when they’re drooping over my opener, they’re really thinking about me.”

One person left out of this “communication” was Yeoman’s opener, who found himself in the middle of a situation he was unprepared for.

“Opening for Rick on this tour has been pretty fun, but I gotta admit, the way he stares and nods off to the side of the stage as I work the crowd before he comes on is downright unsettling. In between my songs, I can hear him licking his lips and shit, whispering for me to ‘give it to them good,’ I mean, what am I supposed to do with that?” said opener Fletcher McGovern, whom we noticed is more muscular and younger than the aging Yeoman. “I got into this to show the world my music, not cuckold another man’s paying audience. The worst is when he tries to horn in on my set to try to join in without any warning at all. It’s like, ‘hey, man, they want me right now!’ but the rejection only seems to rev him up even more! I miss when rock stars were sick freaks because they were biting heads off chickens, and not funny business like this!”

Yeoman’s longtime sound technician elaborated on what he saw as his employer’s growing exploration of his sexual proclivities.

“Sure, it may seem unconventional to you or I, who might see a headliner/audience relationship as a sacred bond between a crowd and guitarist, but the times are changing, and we’d all be smart to change with them, I say. It’s really livened up their sets life, that’s for one thing,” said Corey Crisp, while surreptitiously affixing a splash guard to his mixing board. “I, for one, am happy for all of them, and get a little misty-eyed beholding that connection night after night. I wouldn’t tell Yeoman that, though, it’d probably only fuel the fire further, and I’ve shorted out three boards already this tour.”

At press time, Yeoman was crestfallen to find out that his audience has officially left him to pursue a relationship with his opener, and they’re already expecting a live album.

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Game Lent to Friend Officially Declared Dead

BY MATT FRESH 

TORONTO — Local gamer Shay Freger’s copy of the Nintendo Switch remake of The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening, which he lent to a friend months ago has officially been declared dead authorities have confirmed.

Toronto Police Chief Adam Stockman confirmed the news in a press conference.

“While it’s a tragic conclusion to this case, we have determined that with the game still being with the friend after this length of time, it’s safe to assume it’s dead and the case is closed,” Stockman solemnly stated. “It’s not a long game, about fifteen hours plus it’s on a portable console. Mr. Freger lent the game to his friend five months ago, he should have beaten it and returned it by now. The only explanation for its continued absence is that it’s dead.”

Freger is mourning the loss but is glad to finally have closure.

“I lent it to my buddy Johnny in late November and I was happy to do it, he didn’t have anything to play and was a Zelda fan who had never played it,” explained Freger. “I knew he’d like it so I gave it to him. I didn’t think he’d have it for so long, it’s not a long game. He’s a busy guy so after a month I didn’t think anything of it but by months two and three I was really questioning him but he kept dodging the question. While I’m relieved to finally have closure, I wish I still had it. I only played it once and never touched it again but you never know when you might want to pick it back up.”

Freger says that he doesn’t blame Johnny for the loss.

“I can see now that Johnny was just trying to be a good friend and protect me from the tragedy of the game dying. They really don’t make games like they used to, there are so many ways new games can just die. I guess that’s what happened here, either that or Johnny is just keeping it but he would never do that, he’s my friend.”

Freger’s friend Johnny could not be reached for comment.

At press time, authorities say there are still hundreds of games lent to friends that are still missing.

Obsidian Announces a Much Better Fallout Show

BY DREW SAUNDERS 

IRVINE, Calif. — With the release of Amazon’s TV adaptation of the Fallout game series being a huge success, Obsidian Entertainment has officially announced their own, much better Fallout television show.

Obsidian CEO Feargus Urquhart made the official announcement.

“Obsidian is proud to announce we’ll be working directly with Amazon on the new show Fallout: New Vegas! It will use the same technology as the original Fallout show to improve it in every way imaginable. Thankfully, Bethesda gave their blessing to us provided we only have 75% of the full budget. But we will utilize the pennies they called a budget to make a show that the fans will love and will constantly bring up to people who like the Bethesda show”

Many hardcore Fallout fans who voiced displeasure with perceived lore changes in the show have reacted to this news positively.

“It’s great that someone who actually understands Fallout is going to make a show,” said New Vegas fan Mark Simmons. “I tried to watch the current one but it’s everything Bethesda gets wrong about the series they made famous boiled down into a single TV series and to top it off they spit in the face of us true fans with their vague environmental storytelling that confirmed New Vegas isn’t canon. Shame on them.” 

“New Vegas is a true Fallout experience, that’s probably why Bethesda tried to wipe it from existence with the show. Because they know that they don’t actually know Fallout,” said Jacob Mallory, a Fallout fan who only likes the first two and New Vegas. “Fallout should be a post-post-apocalypse, Obsidian understood that. I know the famous line is that war never changes but Bethesda’s inability to change the wasteland and always having it in nuclear conflict shows they don’t get it.”

At press time, Obsidian is continuing to find innovative new ways to make Bethesda look bad to its haters.

Dr. Mario Hit With Malpractice Lawsuit for Overprescribing Half Yellow/Half Red Pills

BY JOHNNY AMIZICH 

MORGANTOWN, W. Va — Dr. Mario has been served a malpractice lawsuit over allegations he has been overprescribing half yellow/half red Pills pills in the West Virginia city of Morgantown. 

Kyle Duggan, a patient of Dr. Mario, originally went to see the disgraced medical practitioner for a sensitive medical issue, but has found himself growing dependent on the capsules the Dr. seems to prescribe for every malady under the sun. 

“I got the crabs real bad down at HamHocks, that’s a gentlemen’s club here in town, and when I went to see Dr. Mario, he prescribed them half yella’/half red pills which struck me as peculiar cause normally they give a shampoo for that,” Duggan said. “Then a couple of weeks later I twisted my ankle chasin’ after one of them damned kids who likes to knock my trash cans over, and he gave me more of the same pills. I thought it was a bit odd, but they seemed to do the job so I didn’t question it too much. I been addicted ever since.”

Dr. Mario himself responded to the allegations, but his nonsensical ramblings left concerned citizens and former patients more mystified than anything else. 

“Uh-oh! Oh nooooo!” Dr. Mario said during one interview with the local press. After standing idle for a moment the doctor appeared to nod off and began muttering the names of various pasta dishes in his sleep until being shaken awake by an onlooker. When asked to leave the premises the doctor simply replied, “Okie dokie!”

Jacob Jakey from the law firm Jakey, Jakey, & Jakey is representing Mr. Duggan along with the other patients who claim Dr. Mario has been overprescribing the mysterious half-yellow/half-red pills. 

“Mr. Duggan, along with my other clients, are victims of yet another medical fraudster who has no qualms about taking advantage of people who committed the grave sin of choosing to trust their doctor,” Jakey said. “This is just the latest example of yet another fast-talking ‘doctor’ choosing to line their own pockets with money from big pharma rather than live up to their own Hippocratic oath. Thankfully his entire supply of the mysterious half-yellow/half-blue pills has been destroyed. I expect Dr. Mario will be reduced to simply ‘Mario’ and only able to find a job unclogging pipes and toilets by the time myself and my partners, Jakey and Jakey are finished with him.”

At press time Dr. Mario was seen handing out half-red/half-blue pills to a crowd that had gathered outside his now-shuttered office.