Hard Digest April 18: 20 Years of Tears, Early Access Neil deGrasse Tyson, the Bible, Home Ownership, and More

VIP Tickets for “20 Years of Tears” Tour Include Exclusive Access to Leave Early to Beat the Traffic

BY BOBBY KOREC 

DAYTON, Ohio — The recently announced 20 Years of Tears tour featuring emo legends Hawthrone Heights, Thursday, and Saosin will sell VIP tickets that include exclusive access to leave early in order to beat traffic, confirmed sources.

“The target audience for this tour is people who now fall asleep at 8:30 p.m. on a Friday after drinking half of a beer, so this sort of promotion was a no-brainer move,” said tour organizer Dave Bremerton. “Exclusive access includes admission to one of several hidden tunnels that lead directly to the premium parking spots in the parking lot as well as backstage access in order to exit through the rear of the building. Tickets start at a very affordable $50, with additional Ticketmaster fees bringing it to roughly $250. It’s a small price to pay to be able to seamlessly leave halfway through because you’re feeling drowsy from the crowds now that you consider yourself more of an introvert as you get older so large groups of people really drain your internal battery.”

Fans couldn’t wait to get their hands on the VIP experience.

“The minute I heard about all of my favorite bands from two decades ago teaming up to tour, I couldn’t wait to leave the show early,” said 38-year-old Jesse McGovern before asking his wife if she’s seen his white belt anywhere. “The problem with shows nowadays is that everyone wants to leave midway through, which creates a logjam at the exits and therefore cancels out the ability to beat the traffic. These VIP tickets finally solve the issue of me not wanting to be at a show that I paid to be at as well as not wanting any obstacles on my drive home.”

Music historians believed this was only the beginning of modern tours.

“These mega tours are continuously adapting to the interests of aging showgoers,” said music journalist Jenn Holongrow. “As an example, for the current stadium tour featuring Green Day, Smashing Pumpkins, and Rancid, the back rows are surprisingly way more expensive than the front because aging fans want to be near the exits, so it’s not a whole thing when they leave early. These distant seats have been selling out first too. Front row seats can go as low as five bucks because of how loud it is and the fact no one wants to have to walk so far in order to leave.”

At press time, organizers of 20 Years of Tears announced they have sold out of VIP tickets, but still have “meet and greet” tickets available for those who want to meet a security guard that can tell them the quickest way out of the venue to the parking lot.

Struggling Book Publishing Industry Pressures God to Write Third Bible

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

NEW YORK — Executives from The Big Five book publishers launched a coordinated effort to boost sales by pressuring the universe’s creator, and once prominent author, to write a third installment of the Bible, sources confirmed.

“It’s no secret that the publishing industry has seen better days. With e-readers and audiobooks growing in popularity, we’ve seen a steady decline in sales of physical media,” said HarperCollins CEO Brian Murray. “We decided it was finally time to reach out to God and make an offer. I’ll be honest, they were pretty upset when we contacted them. So much so that they caused an earthquake in New York. Eventually cooler heads prevailed when we pitched them on ‘The Newest Testament’ which will pick up right where the New Testament ends. It’s been 2,000 years, Jesus must be up in heaven with some new wisdom, let’s get that in a book and on shelves in Barnes and Noble by Christmas, people will flip for it.”

Christians around the globe were excited about the prospect of a new Bible.

“I’ll be honest, I could never really get into God’s earlier work. It’s all translated from a dead language, and I just want something a bit more digestible. Don’t get me wrong, I love the message, but I could do without all the foreskin talk and maybe skip the rape stuff as well. Also, if God could write this next Bible in modern English that would be a huge relief,” said Gloria Emmers. “I’d really like to know what God thinks of current American politics, which races and ethnicities I’m currently allowed to dislike as a Christian, and maybe if any more plagues are coming.”

Formerly proficient writer George RR Martin says executives also contacted him about finishing “The Winds of Winter.”

“These suits think that writing is easy. Did you know it took God nearly four billion years to write the Old Testament? It’s true, and it’s because God was busy creating a world, which is exactly what I’m doing on a day-to-day basis, so it’s insulting when people call me lazy for taking ten years,” said Martin from his New Mexico home. “This isn’t easy. If you want everything rushed, and a bunch of bad ideas slapped together then just go watch the final season of ‘Game of Thrones’ and tell me how much you loved that. Quit sending me letters, I’m sick of it.”

Representatives for God say the all powerful deity is mulling over options about the new book, but is excited to announce they are releasing a new limited podcast breaking down the movies of the “Fast and Furious” franchise.

How I Became a Homeowner by Dying and Haunting the Property

BY DOM TUREK

With average housing prices hovering around the half-million dollar mark, I knew I’d never be a homeowner in my lifetime, and I was right.

Decades of jaywalking finally caught up to me and I bit the big one a few months back. If only someone had told me sooner how much my life would improve after dying, I would’ve meandered into traffic wearing nothing but a blindfold years ago, but as it’s been said, you don’t know what you don’t know.

Thanks to the extreme personal suffering and seething resentment I experienced during my lifetime, I was not so much “laid to rest” as I was “trapped for eternity” in the apartment unit I’d been renting up until my death, thus making me proprietor over the estate by laws far outranking those of man.

Contrary to what I’d expected, you actually do meet an all-knowing entity shrouded in a pleasant yet blinding white light when you die. The mysterious figure even gives you a choice between accepting death or receiving one more chance at life, but with my mountain of credit card debt, dead-end relationship, and soul-sucking 9-5 job, I chose the far less depressing option and decided to remain dead.

Unfortunately, not everyone is pleased with my decision to take up space in two realms. The new leaseholders of my apartment are constantly pleading with me to “go somewhere else” and “make peace with my time on earth” but why would I take advice from a renter? Maybe if they’d applied themselves a little more they could be living in a haunted house instead of a haunted apartment unit.

In an effort to reclaim my home completely, I’ve been ramping up the supernatural activity, but nothing seems to work. I’ve tried the classics, like turning on the faucets in the middle of the night and stacking all their chairs into a pyramid, as well as more nuanced methods like hiding their Tupperware lids and changing their wifi password, but it turns out anything short of demonic possession won’t force someone into giving up a rent-stabilized apartment.

Neil deGrasse Tyson Gets Into God Debate With Terminally Ill Child in Make-A-Wish Gone Awry

BY IAN STEFFÉ 

NEW YORK — Nine-year-old Oliver Cahill, who has battled rare brain cancer for over half his life, recently met Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson thanks to the Make-a-Wish Foundation, confirmed multiple sources who wish the subject of a creator never came up.

“I was telling Oliver all about the Big Bang and the evolution of life and he asked me how God plays into all of this,” recounted Dr. Tyson. “I laughed at first because that is one of the dumbest questions a kid has ever asked me. We confront paradoxes that have puzzled humanity for millennia. One such involves reconciling the concept of an all-powerful and benevolent deity with the existence of suffering. I said ‘Oliver, if God exists why are you in pain all the time? This must be a punishment, and you must have done something really bad.’ It was around that time his father looked like he was about to punch me, but cooler heads prevailed.”

“I mean come on, either God doesn’t care, or can’t do much. I mean Oliver had NO empirical evidence to prove God is real,” Tyson added.

Oliver’s father, Roger Cahill, was horrified by the experience.

“He called my son a ‘Philistine.’ And then I swear he mumbled something about how it’s ‘Always the dumb ones.’ Then peppered Oliver with this Christopher Hitchens shit, and made him watch 90-minutes of Stephen Hawking videos,” said Cahill. “Even the nurses tried to pull him away because Oliver is prone to migraines. It took us like two hours to get him out of the room. He did autograph a Blu-Ray copy of ‘Cosmos’ though, maybe I’ll be able to sell that for a few bucks in four months.”

This is not the first controversy for Make-A-Wish who remain defiant in the face of widespread criticism.

“At Make-A-Wish, we celebrate diverse interests and strive to fulfill the unique wishes of every child. We’ve broadened our horizons by inviting guests like Werner Herzog, Noam Chomsky, and Bill Maher, offering experiences that inspire wish recipients to engage with the world as it is,” said an official spokesperson. “While our guests may not be perfect, we believe they contribute valuable perspectives. Admittedly, Werner’s presentation included some challenging audio clips from ‘Grizzly Man,’ and Bill’s discussion veered off-topic towards Islamophobia but despite these hiccups, we remain committed to providing enriching experiences for the children we serve.”

Dr. Tyson, meanwhile, remains proud of the experience and hopes for more in the future.
“Honestly, I thought it went great. It was just another win for science,” he chuckled.

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Thank Christ: This Dipshit Streamer Has Political Views So I Don’t Have To

BY CHARLES BILL ON APRIL 17, 2024

My smarter friends often have conversations about politics, and I was never able to join them because I’ve never been able to form an opinion in my life. Fortunately I was browsing Twitch — the intellectual center of the internet — and I stumbled upon a streamer named Felper who talked about farting and pissing while barely reacting to a video. Then something wonderful happened: This dipshit started sharing his political views. Finally, I had a take and it happened to be from some sweaty nerd who’s never worked a real job just like me.

It’s taken so long for me to develop a personality from all the media I consume, I was happy to get a shortcut in this other aspect of my being with Felper. Now when anyone mentions a movie with a POC or LGBT actor I can call it woke and consistently defend my intellectual thesis. That’s what Felper does when he debates other homunculi on stream. All I have to do is copy what he says verbatim. 

Do I know who the vice president is? No and I don’t have to because Felper does sort of. He forgets it a lot, but he remembers she’s Puerto Rican or something. Owning cucks and betas is also very important.

I remember when the Amber Heard trial was happening, thank goodness Felper was there to guide me through the complex legal proceedings with tact and dignity. I’m fairly sure he didn’t attend any law school, but he spoke confidently and loudly so I knew I could trust him and take all of his opinions for my own. 

I can’t wait for election season to get in full swing so Felper can pour his takes right into my ear and I can unload them onto my unsuspecting friends who wonder why they still hang out with me, over Discord of course.

I’m so glad to have found Felper. Now not only do I have opinions, but I also have an endless supply of pre-thought-out talking points to spout off in other people’s Twitter mentions. My lack of a life gives me so much time to regurgitate what Felper says I know it won’t be long before we cure the woke mind virus that’s ruining video games.

Man With Anime Girl Tattoo Preemptively Added to Federal Watchlist

BY LANA KIM 

NEW YORK — An anime fan has freshly inaugurated himself onto a federal watchlist upon completion of a new tattoo of fictional 14-year-old Rei Ayanami, of Neon Genesis Evangelion. 

Tattoo shops have added a legal disclaimer to intake forms for clients receiving tattoos with similar subjects, sources have confirmed. 

“Yeah I had some issues with this new system, but honestly once he started insisting on making her look really oily while fully clothed, I was pretty sold.” said tattoo artist Drew Johnson. “I’m asked to do a lot of anime tattoos, so I’m not a stranger to the art style. Most anime fans are normal people who ask for normal tattoos but now and then there’s always a weird one and it never gets easier looking up reference pictures and discovering that the character is prepubescent. I mean $600 is $600, so I’m gonna do it obviously, but I do feel just a little icky.”

The concerns didn’t stay at the shop, either. Family members of the client have expressed their frustrations to sources as well.

“I just like….did it have to be a kid?” asked Emily Harold, the client’s spouse, whose name has been changed for privacy. “How am I supposed to explain that to my mom? It’s on his forearm and her boobs are as big as she is tall. I get that it’s a popular style right now but couldn’t he at least have gotten an adult character? There are tons of adult women in anime why did he have to go with one who’s a kid? I had to buy him a bunch of long-sleeved shirts, and then he asked if he could get ones with Misty from Pokemon on them.”

Sources spoke directly with the client, whose name is changed for privacy, to shed light on the tattoo choice.

“I don’t even think it’s that bad. Fourteen-year-olds have boobs, right?” said David Harold. “I love this show, and there are multiple cute girls from it I could’ve gotten, but I really like the despondent look in this one’s eyes. I guess the bright side is that I don’t have to find a new job since I’m already unemployed.”

At press time, government officials confirmed that even if the tattoo were removed, David would remain on the watchlist, citing the desire to get the tattoo in the first place.

Mom Confirms Extramarital Affairs with Everyone on Xbox

BY NICK COFFMAN 

NAPERVILLE, Ill. — The Call of Duty trolls were telling the truth. My mother has confirmed that she has slept with numerous individuals, across numerous games and matches throughout the years.

Mom revealed the shocking revelation this afternoon in an emergency family meeting.

“Kids, your father just isn’t the gamer I once married. I can’t limit myself to a man who struggles to keep his lifetime K/D up above 0.5,” Mom said, holding back tears. “I need gamers who can hold the lane in Nuketown single-handedly and finish a match with fifty-plus kills. The type of gamer who’s going to put in the work and pull all-nighters. One who values their position on the leaderboard more than in society. Those are the gamers that know how to satisfy a woman.”

Dad stomped out of the room, devastated. We could hear him slam the door from the game room.

“Your father hardly even looks at his Xbox anymore,” Mom said in an attempt to justify her actions. “And it hasn’t been touched in lord knows how long. I can’t stay with him. Real gamers game, they know how to handle a joystick and I’ve met some real gamers recently.”

My siblings and I inquired about our new living arrangements following the divorce.

“I’m taking the Xbox. You kids are more than welcome to stay with your noob father, if it’s what you want,” Mom confirmed. “I only hope that you kids don’t end up like him, not even able to get an even K/D. Whatever you do, please just promise me you’ll always try to play the objective no matter what. If you do then you’ll be just fine. Unlike your father.” 

At press time, I decided to live with Mom and her new lover Paul, known on Xbox as xxxNoScope69xxx, who is a real gamer, unlike my Dad.