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Hard Digest April 16: Early Access Weezer, Pizza, Sobriety, and More
Added 2024-04-17 00:00:05 +0000 UTCWeezer Deciding If Next Album Should Be One of the Good Ones or Not
LOS ANGELES — Iconic rock band Weezer are hard at work trying to decide whether their next album will be one of the more enjoyable ones or one that is universally panned, confirmed sources who stopped caring five or six records ago.
“Every time we sit to down to write a new album, we spend a good month figuring out whether it’ll be an all-time classic that fans will adore for eternity or one that will only enrage people so much that they burn a copy in their backyard and flush its ashes down the toilet never to be heard of again,” said singer Rivers Cuomo. “Sure, we could just make the Blue Album and ‘Pinkerton’ every other year for the rest of our lives, but then everyone would get bored. Like, who wants to listen to a band’s nearly perfect discography? Not me. I like some flops every so often. That’s why you need to write a ‘Hurley’ and a ‘Raditude’ every now and then. It just makes the good ones really pop. Last time we wrote an album we just spun a 12-foot-tall, custom-made wheel to figure out which to write. That made the decision very easy for us.”
Fans of the band begged for dear life to get one of the good ones this time.
“Weezer is my absolute favorite band of all time if you remove half their records from human existence,” said longtime on-and-off diehard fan Kerry Grindstone. “I’ve loved them ever since ‘Buddy Holly’ and hated them with every fiber in my body since ‘Love Is the Answer.’ Honestly, I’d be happy with a mediocre record at this point. Not too good, but not too bad. Something you listen to every few years to make you realize there are better things you can be doing with your time than listening to late-stage Weezer.”
Music historians have been studying the band’s admittedly inconsistent discography for decades.
“There isn’t a more tumultuous band out there than Weezer,” said David Hershfield. “We still haven’t quite figured out if the band is messing with their fans or they genuinely forget how to write excellent music from time to time. They’re like the ‘Star Wars’ of music. Some movies you can rewatch over and over again as fans, and others will need to be ridiculed online until the makers are shamed into making a good one again. Tough to say for sure why creators do this to us. Just give us good content already.”
At press time, Weezer announced their next album will be one of the bad ones after their in-house groundhog didn’t see its shadow.
Hold Up There, Stud: I Actually Ordered This Pizza With No Extra Sausage
That’s it: I really didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to take the full Karen approach on this matter. I’ve never publicly put a restaurant on blast before, even if they’ve given me the mud-flaps the next day. Nor have I ever dreamed of taking up op-ed space to attack a business. But something really has to be said about the despicable business practices of Pinetti’s Pizza Paradise on Wilshire Blvd.
It happened like this. Yesterday evening, as I stepped out of the shower, clad in nothing but a bathrobe and my underclothes, I happened to get a knock at the door. Going downstairs, I saw a mullet-clad and mustachioed young gentleman standing outside, wearing Pinetti’s uniform and holding a greasy pizza box. His name tag said Dominic and he informed me that he was there to give me a pizza with extra sausage.
Sidenote to Pinetti’s. Provide your employees with some proper garb, please and thanks. It was freezing outside and you had him in shorts and a tank-top.
Well, needless to say I hadn’t the slightest intention of accepting said pizza. I hadn’t ordered anything. In fact, I had already set aside some leftover eggplant parmesan for dinner. And the extra sausage? Well, I am on a diet and am a strict vegetarian to boot. I don’t want extra anything. Least of all sausage.
“You don’t understand,” Dominic said, gesturing to the box, “the sausage that’s in here, it’s hot, thick and meaty.”
Yes, I’m sure it was. And that was precisely what I had hoped to avoid. Worse yet, Dominic asked if I had any method by which to pay for my pizza. The pizza I hadn’t even ordered. I could tell that he was going to be a persistent nuisance and so I quickly told him “no” and to please leave. But he persisted. “We can work out a different way for you to pay.”
By this point, I could tell that Pinetti’s clearly doesn’t take no for an answer. Obviously, they’ve created some sort of guerrilla pizza-delivery system to be thrust upon unsuspecting Jane and Joe Public. “I suppose you’d like a tip too, wouldn’t you?” I asked Dominic. To which he replied that he would actually be giving me the tip.
I can’t make sense of it. Reverse-financed, non-ordered pizza. It hardly seems professional to me. Certainly can’t be a good way to make money. So I’m calling out to each of you: Please do not order from Pinetti’s again unless they revise their business practices. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have my eggplant parmesan. Then, if all goes according to plan, go out and get proper fucked.
Man Celebrates 15 Years of Thinking of Going Sober
BY DOM TUREK
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Jeremy Squires is celebrating an astonishing 15 years of contemplating sobriety surrounded by friends, family, and bottomless mimosas at his favorite bar, confirmed sources who were already excited for the 20th anniversary.
“What better way to ring in a decade and a half of thinking about quitting alcohol than day drinking at O’Connelly’s Pub,” said Squires. “To wake up violently hungover at least three times a week and think ‘I am never drinking again’ for 15 years straight is a feat of self-control and willpower some of my disciplined friends can’t even relate to. I’ll admit, I was first inspired to think about going sober after waking up after a night of heavy drinking to find I’d forgotten where I’d parked my wife’s car, only to locate the vehicle several months at the bottom of a dried ravine filled with blow-up dolls and empty pizza boxes.”
Those close to Squires were more concerned than proud of this achievement.
“Having to use a portion of our only child’s college fund on a new car was a real wake-up call for the both of us,” said wife Allie Squires. “I just celebrated my 11th year of thinking of going sober, so I’m not too far behind him. We tried to do Dry January but after eight days we realized that once drinking was eliminated from the equation, we didn’t have much in common besides being Buffalo Bills fans.”
Research shows that while there are no health benefits to merely thinking about going sober, it does provide a measure of false hope to concerned friends and family members.
“Celebrating small victories is key to maintaining thinking about going sober,” said Nick Casaldi, an addiction specialist at Buena Vida detox center. “If shaming yourself worked, you’d be cured by now. You wouldn’t call someone who only smokes crack on the weekends a crackhead, or someone who only bets on sporting events a gambling addict, so why the undue judgment for alcohol consumers? I tell my clients that sobriety has nothing to do with drinking, and the ones that live to be over 47 are grateful for my unconventional attitude.”
At press time, Squires was seen buying the whole bar a round of tequila shots to celebrate three years of thinking about quitting his vape.
More From The Hard Times:
“The Boondocks” Characters Ranked By How Into QAnon They Would Be
Every Strapping Young Lad Album Ranked Worst to Best
Valve Restricts Sharing of Adult Games to Steam Step-Family
BY NATHAN LIE
BELLEVUE, WASHINGTON – Valve announced a new policy today restricting the sharing of adult games on Steam to members of a user’s step-family, oddly aroused sources confirmed.
Gabe Newell, Valve co-founder, said the new policy was based on trying to create the perfect gaming fantasy.
“We’ve all been there, right? You’re just minding your own business, playing some steamy visual novels, when suddenly your step-sibling walks in on you but they actually want to join. That’s what this update is for,” he said.
The rule update, which requires users to verify their step-family status through a rigorous process involving DNA tests or just saying the word “step-bro” one time, has been met with a mix of praise and criticism.
“I don’t think my step mom wants to play with me to be honest,” one Steam stepson said. “But even if she did she’s always busy getting stuck in the washing machine.”
Valve’s legal team has been working overtime to address any potential issues with the policy, such as the risk of users exploiting the system by pretending to be step-siblings when they aren’t – or even worse – pretending to be actual siblings.
At press time the Epic Games store has announced they’ll go one step further and allow users to swap games with a friend’s step family.
Man Can Hardly See Perfectly Organized Factorio Base Over Gigantic Pile of Shit on Desk
BOSTON – Gamer Michael Thompson, 27-years-old and surrounded by his own filth, has perfectly organized the ultimate mining and manufacturing base in Factorio, equally impressed and concerned sources confirm.
Thompson’s Factorio base, a sprawling industrial complex, is reportedly a marvel of organization and optimization that perfectly mines and manufactures all the necessary potions and components to create massive amounts of plastic, modules, and all of the game’s most advanced items. Also, it can hardly be seen over the massive pile of shit on his desk.
“In the game, he’s this genius problem solver and engineer, crafting delicate processes and multitasking perfectly,” said Thompson’s roommate, Alex Chen, 28. “In real life I can’t get him to process the notion of buying a little trashcan for his room, he just throws trash over his shoulder and keeps playing.”
Thompson’s mother, Janet, 62, expressed concern over her son’s living conditions after a recent video call.
“He started with his camera off and I had to beg him to turn it on,” she said of the call. “I couldn’t even see his face over the junk and I just kept hearing ‘click click click.’ I think he was still playing. I pray for my little Michael every day.”
Thompson remains unfazed by criticism and shrugged off the concerns of friends and family.
“A lot of the greats had cluttered desks. It’s all about priorities,” he said, delicately balancing an empty-ish Gatorade bottle on top of a tower of old Doordash orders. “I’ll get around to it eventually.”
Experts suggest that Thompson’s behavior is not uncommon among dedicated gamers.
“Oh yeah we see this alot in young gamers, but sometimes it goes the other way,” said Dr. Emily Nguyen, a psychologist specializing in gaming addiction. “I once treated a boy who had hundreds of speeding tickets and even a vehicular manslaughter charge. When he played GTA he stopped at every red light. Scary kid.”
At press time, Thompson was seen ignoring an army of ants attacking his desk in favor of defending his Factorio base from a wave of biters.
RimWorld Fan Meetup Obvious Front for Organ Harvesting Scheme
DETROIT – A RimWorld fan meetup last week has been reportedly revealed as a thinly-veiled organ harvesting operation, surprisingly pretty relaxed attendees confirmed.
“Yeah, I mean, I kind of expected this,” said meetup participant and newly minted organ donor Louis Salim, casually adjusting his mechanical ventilator. “It’s RimWorld, after all. I’m just glad they used a proper medical bed and not some shoddy sleeping spot on the ground.”
The meetup, which began at a suspiciously-themed back alley bar called “Thrumbo’s Horn,” quickly devolved into a full-blown organ harvesting frenzy, sources confirmed. Attendees report being plied with RimWorld-inspired drinks like “Luciferium” and “Mindscrew” before waking up several hours later, missing various vital organs.
“I had a feeling something was up when the guy next to me kept asking about my kidney health,” admitted another participant, who asked to remain anonymous and was found in a McDonald’s dumpster. “But hey, at least they didn’t harvest my heart. I’m saving that for a special someone, you know?”
Authorities say they’ve attempted to partner with local gaming stores to track new buyers of the game, but mostly remain at a loss of how to deal with RimWorld-obsessed organ traffickers.
“Every time a new expansion comes out, these reports pop up like clockwork,” said Detective van Boldt of the Detroit Police Department. “We basically just let it run its course unless we see too many human leather hats being flaunted in public.”
As for the RimWorld fan community, they remain unfazed by the recent events.
“Honestly, this just adds to the immersion,” said one fan, proudly displaying a poorly healed surgery scar.
At press time, the city of Detroit was bracing itself for the recent release of RimWorld – Anomaly, with the DPD preparing for an influx of reports involving eldritch abominations and pulsating obelisks in the downtown area.
