Hard Digest April 15: Early Access Jamiroquai, Grindcore, Babies, and More

Grindcore Band Argues Over What 473 Songs They Have Written Should Go on New Record

BY CHRIS BOWEN 

SEATTLE — Members of local grindcore band Gestation Crate were unable to settle a debate about which 473 songs of theirs should belong on their upcoming album, confirmed sources who recommended picking them out of a very large hat.

“Out of the 607 songs we wrote last week, I can’t believe we have to widdle it down to a mere 473 for the album. Wish we could use all of them but that would be a bit excessive,” said guitarist Luke Vabold while perusing the list of potential tracks. “There are about 310 that we all have consensus on, but then it seems to go off the rails after that. Like, ‘Mutiny Face’ should definitely be track number 412, but our bonehead drummer doesn’t think so, but instead wants it to be replaced by ‘Moist Venom.’ That one clearly doesn’t fit the aesthetic though. I just don’t want fans to think we haphazardly selected nearly 500 tracks for the album. That’s the last thing I want anyone thinking of us.”

Friends of the band believed they were making more of a show of it than it needed to be.

“I just don’t see why they can’t use all the songs they wrote for the album. After all, those 473 tracks only equate to 22 minutes total,” said Anthony Freden, friend of the band who occasionally attends practices. “Nevertheless, I’ve been here with them for the last 12 hours. Each member has been stating their case for their favorite songs while going through their normal arbitration process. It’s times like these that make me thankful I never learned an instrument and started a band. What a nightmare.”

Music historian Dave Hutchinson revealed how grindcore bands are just built differently than normal ones.

“Bands are never on the same page when it comes to what to include on their records,” said Hutchinson. “That’s why bands will often release records that were just the unreleased B-sides for the main album. However, grindcore bands write so many songs that they will also release B-sides, C-sides, D-sides, all the way down to Z-sides. It’s kind of impressive how much material they can pump out in a weekend.”

At press time, Gestation Crate finally nailed down the final tracklist but spent another six weeks coming up with an album title.

Rude! My Friend Invited Me to Meet Her Baby and the Baby Showed Up Completely Unprepared

BY KELLEY GREENE 

I’ve really been missing hangouts with by best friend ever since she had her baby. It’s been nearly impossible for us to find time to get together, but luckily last week she finally invited me over to meet him.

I was super excited to see her, plus I’d finally get to meet the guy that’s been bogarting every second of her free time. Knowing he’s going to be a part of my bestie’s life forever, I really wanted to make a good impression. I bought him a gift, put on a cute outfit, and went over to her place. But the little jerk showed up completely unprepared.

I’d spent the past 6 days practicing pronouncing “Ryder” in the mirror so I could get it just right. I addressed him by name as soon as I saw him, but he called me “Baba”—he obviously couldn’t be bothered to remember my name at all. Then he put his hand out so I shook it. But he just let his hand hang there, completely disinterested. Also his fingers were wet? Which was pretty gross. And to be honest, a little disconcerting.

I had brought him a stuffed Bluey on my friend’s suggestion, so I whipped that out and handed it to him, hoping that might do the trick. He snatched it out of my hands, sucked on it, and then threw it on the floor. It started becoming pretty clear that he couldn’t care less about me, at all.

He also kept ignoring me when I was speaking and just grabbed at my friend’s breasts, which is wildly inappropriate. I mean, it’s not the first time some creep has been trying to grab her boobs while we’re hanging out, but it’s crazy to be doing that in her own home.

Eventually, I decided to just tell Ryder a bit more about myself and brought up some topics we might connect on, like a mutual love of dogs. He grabbed my phone when I showed him a picture of my puppy, and then stuffed the phone down his pants. At that point I’d had enough. I let my friend retrieve the phone from his diaper and then said I had to go.

The whole thing ended up being incredibly disappointing. I’m not trying to backseat parent, but she really needs to have a serious talk with him about how to treat her friends, especially if he ever wants to hang out with me again. But, seeing as I’m the forgiving type, I’m willing to give him another chance when he has a slightly larger vocabulary. If he apologizes.

Guy From Jamiroquai Taking Up Entire Moving Walkway at Airport

BY TRAYE HOLLAND 

DENVER — Jay Park from Jamiroquai was seen taking up the entire moving walkway at the Denver International Airport, leading to many frustrated customers rushing to get to their flights, sources confirmed.

“Somehow using this moving walkway takes longer than the immobile floors,” said Anya Robertson while rushing to her flight. “I like the ‘Virtual Insanity’ music video as much as the next guy. You know what else I like? Getting to my plane on time. I had ten minutes to get to my next flight. Now I have a three-hour layover before I can get home because that guy won’t stop doing his weird moonwalk dance-thing up and down the walkway and knocking everyone’s carry-on bags out of their hands. At this point, I just want to see what’s under that enormous hat.”

Park had reportedly been there for hours practicing his choreography.

“I’m sorry, but this is the only way I can prepare for upcoming tours. You can’t just buy 500-foot moving walkways at Home Depot as one might think,” said the longtime singer and lead dancer of Jamiroquai. “I don’t see what the big deal is either. I’m just practicing my dance moves for a short three hours, and I brought some living room furniture and live cockroaches from home to fully immerse myself in the experience. After this, I’m going to treat myself to a Cinnabon and call it a day.”

Airport security guard Dustin Smith revealed that this was a regular occurrence on the moving walkway.

“This happens every goddamn time he’s in town,” said Smith. “I keep telling the people at the checkpoint to not let him in, and he keeps getting in anyway. We tried asking him to please stop dancing, but he doesn’t seem to register that we’re there. Then we tried catching him, but he’s a lot more nimble than he looks. Every time we get close to grabbing him, he just moves right out of our reach. We have elderly here. We have people with disabilities here. There are a lot of people who could really use that walkway. Does he even have a flight scheduled?”

At press time, multiple planes reportedly delayed their departure times so passengers affected by Park’s interference will have time to board.

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CDC Recommends Two Doses of Stellar Blade to Fend off This Season’s Woke Mind Virus

BY NICK COFFMAN 

ATLANTA – Individuals vulnerable to the Woke Mind Virus are encouraged to buy two doses of Stellar Blade in order to help prevent future outbreaks, as per new recommendations from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released yesterday.

Kyle Joshua, Director of the Center For Forecasting Woke Outbreak Analytics, discussed the new guidelines in detail during a press conference earlier today.

“2023 was a disastrous year for this country, with releases like Baldur’s Gate 3, Spider-Man 2, Alan Woke 2, and Forspoken spreading WMV at a pace never seen before,” Joshua said, circling his laser pointer around images of Miles Morales and Saga Anderson on a PowerPoint slide. “It’s going to be a nasty 2024 for WMV. We’re racing the clock to beat out the Star Wars: Outlaws release in the fall. It is of utmost importance that you purchase a copy of Stellar Blade and quarantine your woke family and friends into small spaces and leave them there until they agree that the jiggle physics of the game’s main character really are something to behold.”

Joshua followed-up the CDC recommendations with a few warnings and some of the tell-tale signs that a loved one may have caught the now rampant WMV.

“Purchasing Stellar Blade won’t completely remove the risk of catching WMV. That is why we also recommend a good pair of ear-plugs and a sleep mask, especially when in close contact with individuals that you believe have caught the virus,” Joshua said as he demonstrated how to properly wear the mask. “Sure signs of WMV include unironically frequenting Kotaku or IGN, not liking the latest Joker trailer, playing a female character with a manlier chin than mine, and pronouncing BIPOC correctly.”

Joshua had just about wrapped his statement up when a group of anti-Stellar Blade protestors barged in and seized the microphone.

“We will not be oppressed with your sleep masks,” one protestor in a Guy Fawkes mask shouted at members of the media. Signs carried by protestors shared the sentiment. “Jiggle Physics? More like stay out of my business,” one sign read. “ Chins up, eyes uncovered,” read another. “Joel deserved what he got,” read one sign referencing the late The Last of Us protagonist.

At press time, Joshua had been escorted from the premises to the chants of “Joker Sucks,” from protestors.

Battlefield Player Becomes 27th Sniper on Team, Insists on ‘Really Turning Match Around’

BY NATE ANDREWS 

SINAI PENINSULA, EGYPT — Battlefield player Brendan Payne has reportedly switched his class from Assault to Scout in a bid to turn the match around, becoming the 27th player on his team to do so according to witnesses.

“My dumbass squadmates never protect me when I’m trying to destroy tanks, so I figured I’d switch things up,” explained Payne as he joined 26 other snipers on the 32-player losing team. “The problem is we don’t have enough long-range coverage, otherwise I would be leading the team in flag captures and vehicles destroyed. I’m getting smoked by infantry because nobody is looking out for me, so I guess I have to deal with that now. I’m really handy with the Lebel Model 1886, though, so this might be just what we need.”

Payne’s teammates include Charlie Squad and their leader, Bryan Windsor, who are the last remaining players on the British side equipped with automatic rifles, anti-tank weapons, ammunition, and healing items.

“We’ve lost everything. Nelson Ridge, the outskirts, Mazar Station, even that flag all the way out in the fucking desert,” said Windsor as a flametrooper elite class reduced him to ash. “Everything is gone, including the town itself now, because one-by-one everyone’s deciding to pitch a tent on that big ass rock arch over the canyon to snipe.”

“I’ve spent the last 8 minutes staring at the redeploy screen because I can’t move more than an inch without a tank or Hellriegel doming me,” Windsor added. “All of these Scouts think they’re heroes and they’ve got the worst KDs I’ve ever seen. Bullets whizz by and hit nothing but sand. I’m choking on the dust and incompetence.”

Opposing player Dominic Kelly had a markedly different take on the British team’s composition, noting that it reminded him of the days of Battlefield 2 stat padding.

“The way their scope glints light up on that ridge and across the dunes like rows of Christmas lights is endlessly funny to me,” said Kelly, who has spent the match flying the Ilya-Muromets heavy bomber equipped with high explosive cluster bombs. “All I’m doing now is flying overhead and deleting 9 or 10 of them at a time with the press of a button. In the old days you had to coordinate with some people in an empty Karkand server to get easy kills like this. They’re just serving themselves up here.”

Witnesses reported last seeing Payne using a Trench Periscope to observe the opposing team’s heavy bomber as it lined itself up for another pass.

Participation in Gaming Harassment Campaign Destined to be Only Proof Man Existed

BY MATT SAINCOME 

Gamer Nathan Jackson’s online participation in what he called a “fight for the soul of gaming” is destined to become the only actual proof that he ever existed, all-knowing sources confirmed.

When asked about his vitriolic postings, Jackson told reporters he was “simply asking questions.” The interview would prove to be one of the few times in his life anyone would ask his take on anything.

“AAA makes every girl character’s butt flat,” Jackson said, in what will likely become the last recorded quote from a bloodline which had spanned thousands of years. “I install mods to get around it but I don’t get why these wokies need to ruin everything.”

With no known significant life events to compete, and a bland death all but certain, the posts from Jackson’s @GamerHound81 account are set to be his only lasting impact on the world.

“We know wher eyou live bitch,” one post misdirected to someone he believed to be a community manager read. “AAA in the pockets of Vanguard, look at the jawlines.”

Information on Jackson’s offline life is sparse. He is reportedly 32 and from Daytona Beach, Florida – although we could not independently confirm those details. A school he attended had its website taken down years ago, and every link that includes his name leads to a 404 other than the GamerHound81 posts.

Experts believe his life circumstances are part of a growing trend.

“It’s similar to when there’s a TV show that was aired but no one has a recording of it. It’s basically like that but for a human life,’” Henry Garner, head of UCLA’s sociology department said. “There is so much we don’t know about this group of individuals though. They are very hard to study. Are you in contact with a specimen you can bring to my lab?”

At press time the @gamerhoud81 account had been deleted.