thehardtimes

Hard Digest April 14: Early Access Raw Meat Diet, AOL Running Man, Mitch McConnell, and More

Added 2024-04-15 00:00:07 +0000 UTC

Man Trying Raw Meat Diet Hoping Debilitating Salmonella Part of the Process

BY BEN FRIEDMAN | APRIL 15, 2024

INDIANAPOLIS — Local man Dave McGrath is clinging to hope that contracting salmonella is part of the process of the lifestyle after his recent pivot to a raw meat diet, sources have confirmed.

“There’s something primal and manly about consuming raw meat. I don’t care if people tell me it’s dangerous or that raw diet influencers are liars. Our ancestors didn’t need to cook meat to get huge gains, I’m sure they pushed through the crippling symptoms of salmonella poisoning while hunting mastodons and shit,” said McGrath as he was hunched over his toilet. “I mean, shitting blood has to be part of the process, otherwise people wouldn’t do it, right? Soon as I can stand on my own again, I’ll have eight pack abs. I just have to believe I’m tougher than a deadly bacterial disease.”

McGrath’s roommate is worried that he’s watching his friend deteriorate in front of his eyes.

“Dave’s been caught up in several fad diets over the years, but the moment he walked in with $700 of prime rib from the butcher I knew this was going to be a shitshow. He was puking violently after the first meal, I don’t know why he’s still going through with this. He shouldn’t have doubled down with the turtle meat,” said Scott Faulk. “It’s hard enough he’s so weak I have to drag him through our apartment, but a few days ago after he saw me eating a carrot and lost his shit. I can’t tell if that’s brain rot from the obvious infection he has or the bad behavior of the diet peddlers he follows.”

Dieticians have previously made it known that the drawbacks of the raw meat lifestyle far outweigh its benefits, though it hasn’t been enough to deter people.

“It’s well established that people like the Liver King are full of shit and just doing steroids, but that’s not enough to stop people from buying into this farce. Here in reality, humans are omnivores and that’s it. There is literally no reason to consume uncooked meat like a mountain lion,” said Dr. Morgan Fischer. “If Mr. McGrath even seared his meat for thirty seconds he could’ve avoided these symptoms and continued to cosplay as a caveman, but I suppose being sensible would run the risk of being called a beta male.”

As of press time, McGrath assured loved ones that he’s just one raw penguin steak away from the perfect body despite now being transferred to hospice.

Heartwarming: An Envelope Full of Anthrax Lost in 2001 Was Finally Delivered to Mitch McConnell

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF

Have you ever been frustrated by the United States Postal Service because they lost a letter you mailed? Imagine if that letter miraculously showed up in the mailbox of its intended recipient over two decades later. That is exactly what happened when an envelope packed with anthrax was finally opened by Mitch McConnell earlier this week. We love a happy ending.

“I was sorting the Senator’s mail when I saw a weathered envelope addressed from a 4th-grade class in New Jersey postmarked from 2001. I couldn’t believe it and I knew he would want to open it right away, Senator McConnell loves children. He often says he feeds off of their energy,” said Capitol Hill intern Margot Yeats. “As soon as he opened the letter he was covered in a cloud of white dust. I assumed it was glitter that had gone stale over time, but then the Senator started to panic and saying things like ‘You moron, I’m going to die’ and ‘This can’t be happening, the deal I made says I have at least another 30 years. Damn you Satan.’ You could tell he was just having all the feels.”

What are the odds? Most people don’t stay in the same place for over 20 years, but thanks to America’s completely broken electoral system a good majority of politicians get to keep their positions of power for decades. The moral of the story? Don’t give up, miracles happen.

One unfortunate downside of the letter sitting dormant for so long was the anthrax spores lost a lot of their effect. Senator McConnell was given a clean bill of health after a round of antibiotics. Even the letter that accompanied the anthrax lacked punch. It said:

You can not stop us
We have this anthrax
You die now
Even cast of hit show Scrubs won’t save you
Are you afraid?
Death to America
Death to Israel
Allah is great

Just imagine how terrifying that would have been in 2001 while the country was on edge. And just imagine if those spores were pristine and ready to invade the Senator’s lungs. Things today could look a lot different. But as much as we’d like to, we can’t rewrite history. Weakened spores and dated Scrubs references aside, we just have to be thankful an old man probably shit his pants when he opened that letter, even if it didn’t kill him.

AOL Running Man Found Unconscious After Drug Overdose At Chateau Marmont

BY JORDAN LIFFENGREN

LOS ANGELES — The world-famous yellow AOL running man was reportedly found unconscious at the Chateau Marmont last night after an alleged drug overdose following a night of partying on the Sunset Strip, authorities reported.

“Everyone can rest easy knowing the AOL running man is still with us,” said the Chateau Marmont’s hotel manager Leonard Briggs. “Upon discovering him passed out in the bathtub with a lit cigarette still resting between his fingers, our team performed CPR on him before an ambulance arrived to transport him to the nearest hospital. The Chateau is no stranger to this type of occurrence, we resuscitate dozens of celebrities a year. We can tell you we found several substances in his suite including poppers, whip-its, and heroin. It also looked like he arranged an ethernet cable in the closet in an attempt at auto-erotic asphyxiation.”

AOL representative, Don Jenkins, explained that AOL man may have been suffering from severe depression.

“We’re happy to hear that AOL man is in stable condition and is being cared for by the best doctors at UCLA Medical Center,” said Jenkins. “This event, however, comes as no surprise, seeing as AOL man has become irrelevant to the collective consciousness. After 2005, most people stopped relying on dial-up, and AOL man turned to nostalgia-based income sources. He began making appearances at Comic-Con and even signed up for Cameo to make some extra cash. He recently confided in us about missing the high he used to get from slamming doors when kicking users offline. He didn’t think he’d ever come close to that feeling again.”

Lead physician at UCLA Medical Center, Phoebe Trinh, stressed how important it will be for AOL man to focus on recovery.

“AOL man is in good hands, but he’ll need time to recover,” Trinh explained. “After pumping his stomach and assessing his general health, it looks like we will need to correct his deviated septum and perform rectal reconstruction surgery due to the amount of drugs he was putting into every orifice of his body. We would say it’s quite a conservative amount of procedures considering how much ketamine he’s boofed.”

AOL man’s PR team announced he will enter rehab for the next three months at an exclusive facility for early internet personalities, including Jeeves, Napster Cat, and the Dancing Baby.