thehardtimes

Hard Digest April 11: O.J. Simpson, Early Access Pig Kidneys, Discmans, Practice Space, and More

Added 2024-04-12 00:00:05 +0000 UTC

Medical Staff Report OJ Took One Last Instinctual Swipe at Blonde Nurse Before Passing

LAS VEGAS – Former football star and accused double-murderer OJ Simpson took one last instinctual swipe at a blonde nurse standing nearby just before taking his final dying breath, according to sources too afraid to check his pulse.

“I’ve worked here for over ten years, and this is the first time a patient on their deathbed tried to take someone with them,” stated nurse Summer Boyd. “All I remember was standing near his bed, getting ready to prepare him for his next chapter into the afterlife, when his right hand suddenly and without warning took a swipe at my neck with a plastic knife he liked to hold for comfort. It was weird because we already heard the death rattle so we thought everything was over, but it was typical OJ to keep everyone on their toes. I’m still not convinced he’s gone, I’m just going to stay away from the body until someone wheels him out of here.”

Father Thomas Bennet who was also present when OJ passed described what he witnessed.

“Jesus, Joseph, and Mary!” said a confused Father Bennet. “The seminary prepared me for a lot of difficult things, but never something like that. I was only asked to administer Last Rites to one person so I wasn’t prepared for a possible murder also. I could have sworn that I saw his spirit already leave his body before his last attempt at violence. I’ve heard of such postmortem spasms occurring but generally only in some animal species or in some humans when Diablo himself was present. Goddamn, it was really fucking intense.”

Friend and golf partner Alex Rivera explained how OJ had a history of taking stabs at people who looked similar to his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman.

“That was just Juice being Juice,” said Rivera. “Most of the time we’d be out just chilling listening to OJ bragging about beating football records and the justice system, when he’d suddenly take a shot at a random person who resembled those two people he definitely didn’t kill. At first we thought he was just joking around because that was his fun personality, but eventually we realized he wasn’t even aware that he was doing it. It was like his brain had no idea what his arms were doing, we hope.”

At press time, the funeral home would only agree to hold OJ’s service if he was in a closed casket, behind protective glass, and out of arm’s reach of any mourners.

Practice Space Doubles As Sexless Dungeon

BY JORDAN LIFFENGREN

LONG BEACH, Calif.—Aspiring musician Keith Brown’s practice space was transformed from a once-fun jam area to an utterly sexless dungeon, sources sadly confirmed.

“Welcome to mi casa!” Brown declared while gesturing to the barren room. “This is where the magic happens. Been living in my practice space for six months now and I love it. Gets me closer to the music. I’ve got my dream catcher over here, my mini-fridge there, and I keep a Gatorade bottle in the corner for when I have to pee. You know, I’m working on my album right now. I’m always writing—some days I don’t even shower because the songs are just flowing out of me so fast. Do you guys want a CD? I’m selling them for $12 a pop.”

Brown’s acquaintance Ava Tyler expressed visible discomfort when asked to describe the state of the practice space.

“I only went to the practice space because Keith played guitar and I’m a sucker for musicians,” she explained. “I was like, ‘Sure, this could be fun and sexy.’ If only I knew how depressing it was going to be. The smell alone haunts me. It was the size of a closet with no windows. There were empty pizza boxes and Monster energy drinks strewn across the matted burgundy carpet that always felt wet. The futon had a suspicious stain and the only other place to sit was an office chair with skid marks. Then he asked if he could play ‘Wonderwall’ for me. It was like God was punishing me for being horny.”

Brown’s landlord Arthur Contreras was visibly pissed off when he found out someone had been living in the practice space.

“I knew that little shit was two-timing me,” Contreras said while shaking his fists like a cartoon villain. “This kid is something else. I felt bad for the guy because he’s barely making ends meet with his little coffee shop gigs. He said he would spend a lot of time here, but I didn’t know he’d treat it like a Motel 6. You know, I’ve heard moaning coming from his practice space a lot. At first, I thought he was bringing girls back here, so I went to check it out. Turns out Keith was just loudly weeping. He tried to play it off like it was someone else, but his guyliner was smeared in black streaks down his face.”

Brown insists that he’s going to write a hit very soon, and is just waiting on some LED strip lights to arrive at the practice space, which he says will usher in “good vibes” and “help get his creative juices flowing.”

Opinion: Some of You Never Had to Duct Tape Your Discman Shut in High School and It Shows

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

It seems like wherever you look these days, we’re surrounded by people who’ve never known a minute of strife, let alone minor inconvenience. How nice it would be to have everything handed to you on a silver plate. No wonder there are so many grown adults out there who don’t know how to change a lightbulb or zip tie their bumper back onto their 2011 Nissan Elantra.

That kind of grit only comes through the trials and tribulations of being a teen in a working class family, and it’s clear many of you never had to duct tape your Discman shut in order for it to work.

You want to know what real struggle is like? Try concealing from your parents the fact that you had your Discman stepped on at a track meet. And it was one of those shoes with the spikes too! I’m also willing to bet that only a few of you could only listen to Weezer by sitting on your CD player because the tape’s glue holding it shut was disintegrating. It’s that kind of quick thinking grit and that’s being lost to time

So it was either duct tape it shut and pray, or wait until Christmas. Bear in mind I’m talking about the late 90’s Discman that were built like bricks and not easy to break. Telling your dad that you fucked it up was not an option.

It’s the kind of thing that builds character, and it’s not hard to spot the ones who’ve never had to MacGuyver your personal belongings to function. Can you afford a new iPhone whenever you crack the screen or not have to prop your air conditioner up with a stack of cinder blocks you found at a construction site? If you answered yes to either of these, you’re an asshole.

Gen Z is constantly being shit upon for not knowing how technology works or how to jerry rig their belongings. But if their parents never had to shake a Discman in order to get the bass booster to work, how could their kids learn to roll with the punches?

So go ahead and get your dumbass insurance on your iPad and Switch. It’ll be a reminder to those of us who’ve also broken the battery covers of their Game Boy and replaced it with a piece of cardboard, that you’re an infantilized coward.

Pig Suspecting Punk Only Adopted It for His Kidneys

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — A domesticated pig found his life in jeopardy as he began to suspect his punk owner Kevin Gelinas only adopted him to serve as a kidney donor, sources confirmed.

“These last few weeks have been amazing. Kevin gave me free range of the property and I crap anywhere I want inside or outside of the house. But last night I overheard that news story about some guy who got a pig kidney transplant and now I’m thinking something nefarious is going on. Kevin always looks hungover despite not drinking beer in three weeks, or that he’s mentioned ‘renal failure’ more times than I’m comfortable with,” said the pig. “And here I thought I avoided the slaughterhouse. Had I known my organs were on the chopping block for a punk who treated his body like a dumpster, I’d have never let them rescue me from that circus in Arkansas. This is not what I want my legacy to be.”

The pig’s owner was trying his best to conceal his true intentions, despite the guilt getting to him.

“I didn’t mean for Sir Hamlet to become an organ surrogate. But 15 years of Old Milwaukee and gas station food took its toll, and if I’m going to make it to 35 then I need those damn kidneys,” said Gelinas. “It’s just that I have tickets for Riot Fest in September but I’m like 500th in line on the donor list, plus my family has flat-out refused to donate any of their kidneys despite me offering as much as 20 bucks for one. So my options are limited if I want to go and actually have a good time. I hope he knows it’s nothing personal.”

Geneticists responsible for the medical breakthroughs of cross-species organ transplants have urged extreme caution regarding the procedure.

“These fucking people. Listen, in order for these organs to be viable we need to heavily modify them so that human bodies accept the transplant. It’s not like we swing by the petting zoo while patients are being prepped for surgery,” said Dr. Julian Keller. “There are many moral implications in adopting animals for the sole purpose of being organ donors, and even more issues with people thinking they’ll gain the powers of those animals. As cool as it sounds, it’s just not how science works. At least not yet.”

As of press time, the pig bolted through the backyard fence after finding a letter from Gelinas’ insurance company in the trash saying he’s not covered for dialysis.

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WWE 2K24 to Add CM Punk Backstage Assault Mode

BY MATT FRESH

NOVATO, Calif. — Wrestling fans are being treated with an exciting new addition to WWE 2K24 as 2K has confirmed they will be introducing a CM Punk Backstage Assault Mode to the game through DLC.

Game Director Marcus Higgens promises fans that it will add a whole new layer to the game.

“The main crux of the mode is that you play as Punk and get into fights with people backstage. But it’s not just about the fights, it’s about fighting people who have problems with you,” explained Higgens. “So you’ll cultivate relationships with your coworkers and should things deteriorate you’ll end up in a fight. They’ll last about 10 seconds and will feature a variety of moves such as a push and a light choke. If you win then footage of the fight will be shown on a rival player’s Universe Mode show.”

Higgens stresses that the fights are simply the cherry on top of the complex mode.

“It’s really deep. There are a lot of hidden systems involved in determining which of your coworkers end up having issues with you. There are dialogue choices you’ll get to make, you get certain choices on how to handle situations when the boss refuses to and that will play into it as well. The feature I’m most excited about is the press conferences that allow you to just go off on the press, your company, and your coworkers right in front of your boss. If you can initiate that it leads to the biggest type of brawl in the game. The mode ends when you win enough brawls to end up with a more lucrative contract at a bigger company.”

Fans are chomping at the bit to get their hands on the mode.

“It’s been my dream to get into backstage shoot fights as CM Punk,” said Punk superfan Josh Smith. “Wrestling games have needed this kind of unpredictable gameplay mode for a while. Matches are fun and all but what I really love about wrestling is the backstage drama of unchecked egos and poor management.”

At press time, Tony Khan is planning to retaliate by adding a Jack Perry Gets Choked Mode to AEW Fight Forever.

Why I’m a Progressive but Still Love the LEGO January 6th Insurrection Game

BY SAM WATSON

Universal healthcare. Protecting libraries. The LEGO January 6th Insurrection Game. What do all of these have in common? I fucking love them all!

Now, I was aghast when LEGO January 6th was first announced, but once Elon Musk started forcing the great reviews onto my X timeline, I just knew I had to download the game off of Truth Social (and of course immediately delete my account afterward). Playing as Donald Trump is truly a joy. LEGO Trump leads his MAGA mob to storm the Capital, but instead of having weapons, they wield Trump Bibles to beat back Dark Brandon and his legion of snowflake socialists, and I think it’s cool they made the most powerful weapon in the game a book.

In a departure from other LEGO games, but in a brilliant true-to-life detail, coins aren’t collected by breaking the environment. Instead, every time LEGO Trump gets hit, he loses a bunch of money and then asks for handouts from his supporters in the form of in-game purchases. The weirdest of which are different skin tones for LEGO Trump. And even though LEGO Black Trump is objectively offensive, I still appreciated the representation. A Black man leading a mob against law enforcement and he doesn’t die? Mind. Blown.

The most expensive in-game purchase, though, is a LEGO abortion clinic that’s meant to show the evils of abortion by having lady doctors abort LEGO Baby Eric. But after they flush him down the toilet, LEGO Trump does this little happy dance in the background that is so delightful that it always puts a smile on my face even though I’ve missed three student loan payments in a row.

The game’s mechanics are at peak performance, too. I for one had so much fun building the “Michael Pence” gallows- not because I wanted to hang LEGO Pence, but because I recently listened to a NPR podcast about the history of gallows and I would much rather have a blast constructing one in the game rather than annoying my pals with all the gallows facts I now know.

“How could you play that filth?” many of my progressive friends have asked me. But the moment they see the LEGO Drag Queens vogue-fighting to protect the Capitol, they’re transfixed, and we then take turns making the drag queens give LEGO Trump a makeover in the game’s best glitch.

But LEGO January 6th’s absolute finest feature comes in the online multi-player mode. Insurrectionists can upload their pictures to imprint them on their corresponding LEGO figures in the mob. Now, I’m no snitch, and fuck the police, but seriously like and subscribe my live streams if you want to make some arrests!

Wild Tuna Blissfully Never Heard the Term ”Woke” in His Life

BY R. ANTHONY MAHAN

SOUTH PACIFIC OCEAN — Scientists have found that Booster, a Pacific bluefin tuna currently located in a pelagic zone far away from land, could not give the meaning of the term “woke” when asked in an interview. He was also observed to be leading a generally happy existence.

“I don’t know what that means!” said the tuna. “I just like to swim! I swim and swim all day and night, exploring the water and eating sardines! Swimming is my favorite thing! The water is nice and relaxing, and there’s always something new to see! One time I saw coral! Have you seen coral?”

Further testing showed that the fish had no emotional reaction whatsoever upon hearing the word “SJW,” nor any strong feelings regarding any trailers for upcoming video games. Most shockingly of all, his desire to insult strangers over the internet was borderline nonexistent.

“At first, I assumed Booster must have been some kind of rare anomaly,” explained ichthyologist Dr. Yoshiko Furutsukeki. “We ran the tests on other fish, just to be sure. Same results, every time. This completely changes our understanding of what it means to be a thinking species. Certain patterns of brain activity are so common in humans we’ve thought they must be essential to life itself. But these fish can’t name a single movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and have no desire for the next one to succeed or fail, and they’re alive.” The scientist stopped to wipe a tear from her eye. “Not only are they alive, they’re happy.”

As their interview proceeded, desperate researchers attempted to find any feelings Booster had regarding human culture. “Oh, you mean the nets,” he answered. “I do not like the nets. My friend Quigley was in a net once. I never saw him again. I miss him. I love to swim, but sometimes I see bad things. Whales and sharks will eat us, but the nets are worse. The nets don’t eat you, you just disappear forever. It is too bad the nets don’t fight with each other. Maybe then they would leave me and my friends alone.”

At press time, Booster had ventured deeper into the ocean, still not having a single social media account.