Hard Digest April 9: Early Access Metal Merch, Porn Addiction, the Wienermobile, and More

Metal Band’s Merch Guy Offers to Remove Sleeves From Any Shirt for Additional Fee

BY CHRIS BOWEN

HOUSTON — Merch guy for the heavy metal band Beast of Damocles Eric Jennie provides an extra service for any customers who want the sleeves cut off of any shirt at the band’s merch table for a small, additional fee, several greasy denim-clad sources report.

“Here at the merch table, we know how valuable time is for the metal community. These guys can’t be wasting time doing their own custom tailoring, they have beer that needs drinking. That’s why for just $7.00, I’ll remove the sleeves from any shirt on the wall, regardless of its current sleeve length,” Jennie explained. “Also, for an additional fee, we’ll gift wrap anything from the table, for someone who is buying metal merch for that special person in their life. We have Iron Maiden’s Eddie paper, which is a hot seller. Or my personal favorite, our cute little Ronnie James Dio caricature collage paper sure to impress even the most miserable metalhead in your life!”

Lead vocalist for Beast of Damocles Samuel “Crom” Moorcock talks about how he and the band came up with the idea.

“I got the inspiration for the service after watching how helpful the little old ladies at the mall are around the holidays,” said Moorcock. “I thought, ‘Wow, they’re troopers out here, doing the boring bullshit I never want to do but have to for Christmas.’ Then it dawned on me: I know who else hates boring bullshit! Metalheads! Now not only do we provide a service for our customers, but each sleeve we cut gets donated to ‘Sleeves of Love’ to help less fortunate and privileged metalheads who are actually in need of sleeves.”

World-renowned merch guy Sarah Zorowski says bands have been providing similar services for their customers for ages.

“This is nothing new,” Zorowski explained in an annoyed tone. “In fact, I was just at a GWAR show where their merch guy would provide dry cleaning to anyone who got covered in piss, blood, or cum during the set. Now that’s a real service if you ask me. Also, I’ve been in this business for three decades, and I’m fed up with being referred to as ‘merch guy.’ Stop calling me that when I’m very much so not a ‘guy.’

At press time, Beast of Damocles announced a new “substitute drummer” program where bands can rent their drummer for a day for any reason.

Opinion: Porn Addiction Is A Widespread Epidemic, I Hope

BY MALIA SIMON

Wake up, America: it’s time to face the reality that porn addiction is a crippling disease, and one that affects millions of people in this country—at least I hope so, or else I’m pretty fucked.

For starters, it’s clear that porn abuse is a widespread problem based on these vague statistics I’m about to reference and hope are true. For instance, they’ve done studies that show that 85% of people now watch porn more than 8 hours a day. Crazy, right? They’ve also done studies that show that 90% of those people have a specific fixation for Marge Simpson Hentai that they haven’t been able to shake since a certain blue couch cushion incident when they were fourteen. I know, what a sad portrait of society! What’s even sadder is Harvard’s most recent study that showed 99% of men in their 40s aren’t able to sustain an erection without their partner reluctantly going “Hi Homey,” in the most convincing Marge Simpson voice they can muster. I mean, I’d certainly call that a problem. But at least now we don’t have to feel so alone in it. Right, guys?

Okay, I’m starting to get the sense some of you are doubting the statistically proven fact that porn addiction is an extremely common issue that affects all of us equally. Well, it fucking better be! Why else did I just ruin this 6-year-long relationship? Do you really think I’d ruin a 6-year-long relationship for something that was completely my fault and not society’s?

Okay, fine. Let’s just entertain the fact that I have a so-called “problem with porn” that has left me single, lonely, and “banned from the Universal Studios Simpsons Ride for life.” What is there to do about it? One solution would be to take personal accountability, to stop watching porn, to go to therapy, and to work on forming healthy relationships with women. Again, that’s just one solution. Another equally viable solution would be to just call it a “widespread epidemic” and wait for people to agree.

The second option seems like the most practical to me, and I hear 9 out of 10 people think so too. At the end of the day, who am I—or any of our girlfriends, wives, parents, and sponsors—to sit in judgment of what I am claiming the majority of people in this country are doing? As I always say, societal problems by definition have no solution. In the mean time, there are more pressing issues to attend to, like the hot and horny singles desperate to fuck in my area.

Crust Punk Acting All “Holier Than Thou” Ever Since Moving Into Abandoned Wienermobile

BY MATT HUSSER

LOS ANGELES — Crust punk Tim “Ransom” Rollins has reportedly started acting annoyingly sanctimonious ever since he moved into an abandoned Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, friends close to the man confirmed.

“Me and Ransom used to be tighter than a pube dreadlock, but ever since he started squatting in that Wienermobile he’s turned into a total Oscar Mayer Dick,” said Colin Feeney, Ransom’s former best friend. “Last week I went over to listen to the new Hairy Scabs record, and he handed me these plastic bags—I was like ‘oh sick, glue time!’ But no, he made me put the bags over my Docs so I didn’t ‘track dog shit on his ketchup carpets.’ I even brought him the bottom half of a mannequin as a housewarming gift but he said it clashed with the ‘bun shui.’ It’s hard to be happy for him when he keeps acting better than me and rubbing his frankfurter-shaped home in my face.”

Despite the falling out with his friend, Ransom was thoroughly enjoying the heightened status that his glitzy new home gave him.

“You know why I’m acting this way? Because I live in a goddamn Wienermobile, that’s why,” said Rollins, wearing a three-piece mustard-colored suit he found crumpled up in the trunk. “Maybe if they pulled themselves up by their butt flaps and spent a few years scamming hard-working people like me they could one day achieve mobile hot dog ownership, too. They’re just jealous because I’ve been living in the lap of luxury eating gourmet hot dogs I found in the glove compartment.”

According to crust punk realtor Skully Ridgeway, there was a burgeoning market of crust punks looking to turn shithouses into their shithomes without sacrificing any of the scene cred.

“At Homebastard Realty, we help successful lower-lower-middle class crust punks fulfill their dreams of home squattership in unique crust-friendly locations like food-shaped vehicles, giant dinosaur roadside attractions, or sewer-view maintenance tunnels,” said Ridgeway, pulling a wet manilla envelope full of home listings out of the back of his pants. “For example, this spacious two-bedroom, thrashman-style home would be perfect for 10 to 15 crust punks to turn into their forever squat. Sure it’s only got a one-quarter bathroom, but I’ve personally taken a gnarly heroin detox shit in there and let me tell you that bucket can hold a lot more than you’d think.”

At press time, Feeney had escalated his rivalry with his former best friend by stealing a Planters Nutmobile from a junkyard and moving it next to Rollins’ Wienermobile.

More From The Hard Times:

20 Metal Albums Old Enough To Die for Their Country but Still Can’t Buy a Beer

Every NHL Mascot Ranked By How Likely They’d Be to Win A Drunken Bar Fight

Gamer With Tastes Stuck in 1990s Has Values Stuck in 1940s

BY DAN BOOKBINDER

Long Beach, Calif. — Local YouTube personality “Snarky Bry” drew fire for expressing extremely dated political views while simultaneously playing retro video games, sources confirmed today.

Bryan Comer, aka “Snarky Bry” of the Youtube channel, “Retro Buys With Snarky Bry” is in hot water after making sexist, xenophobic, and anti-LGBTQIA remarks during a livestream “Let’s Play” of Super Mario 64.

“I’m just saying what everyone’s thinking, sorry if that scares namby-pamby yellowbellies,” Comer said, adjusting his suspenders over his Grunt Style shirt of Link holding an M16. “Sorry, if it’s controversial to think that gaming peaked with the Dreamcast or if I start my videos with the Pledge of Allegiance. I don’t even know what I said to stir things up, was it when I said ‘sodomy used to be illegal,’ or ‘if a woman leaves the house, she should expect to be harassed’ or ‘first person shooters went downhill after Quake II?’”

“When I watch a retro game channel, I assume there’s going to be problematic talk, it’s just the nature of the beast,” said former subscriber, Brennan Woods, aka YidIcarus13. “I love all kinds of games, with a special place in my heart for retro games, but they are so expensive. Bry was good about finding worthwhile games and hidden gems. I just don’t need game recs from someone who sounds like my uncles after a couple of scotch and sodas. But his characters Honky Kong and Lisping Link were pretty funny.”

Studies have shown that although most people have their favorite era of gaming, overcommitting to one generation coincides with backward thinking.

“For years gamers were infantilized, stereotyped as immature males, but we’ve discovered that gamers cross all social, economic, demographic, racial brackets,” said Dr. Nina Torres, Professor of Abnormal Psychology at Wesleyan University and author of “Mario Bros: Retro Games/Modern Harassment.” “However, the exception is those that self-identify as ‘Retro Gamers’ are in fact, backward-thinking, emotionally stunted men.”

Comer was unable for further comment, after being positively identified in January 6th insurrection security footage wearing his own merch.

“Clutch or Kick” Says Counter-Strike Teammate With .1 KD

BY ALEX KITSINGER

DUST II — Counter-Strike player Delilah Mayfield was told “clutch or kick” by a teammate with a 2:19 KD ratio, according to chat logs from the match.

“Clutch or kick,” said the player, named B3ST3V3R, after losing four rounds in a row by trying to 360 members of the enemy team with a shotgun. “I seriously don’t get what’s so hard about this. Why would you even buy an AWP if you’re going to miss shots?”

Mayfield provided her thoughts on the match in a post on X.

“All this guy does is buy dualies and run down mid every round. He managed to steal a couple kills and defuse the bomb once, after which he had the audacity to type ‘ez game’ in chat. He wouldn’t stop talking over 1v1s and then gets mad when we choke,” said Mayfield. “I honestly think he doesn’t know he sucks. He asked me what all the numbers meant when he opened the scoreboard, but when I checked his profile he had over 1,000 hours played. Either he bought the account or he’s a total idiot.”

TF2_Heavy, another member of the party and B3ST3V3R’s former coworker, responded to Mayfield’s post.

“I actually know the guy in real life — we were in sales together right out of college. He’s exactly like this in real life, too. Just completely oblivious to his own incompetence,” said TF2_Heavy. “We used to play pick-up basketball on the weekends, and every time we’d rag on him for missing a shot he’d just say ‘skill issue,’ as if that somehow deflected all of the blame back onto us.”

At press time, B3ST3V3R had just made a Steam forum post listing all the reasons Tekken 8 is “unfair, unbalanced, and unfun.”

Fallout TV Series to Come to Netflix, Hulu, Max, Disney+, Apple TV+, Paramount+, Peacock, PlutoTV, Roku, Crackle, Tubi, 4K Ultra HD, Blu-ray, HD DVD, DVD, VHS, and Betamax

BY NICK COFFMAN

LOS ANGELES — No Amazon Prime account? No problem. The Fallout TV series will be released on multiple streaming platforms and media formats, according to game director and new Hollywood hotshot Todd Howard. Howard confirmed the aggressive expansion at a premiere event for the show.

“I cannot confirm when, but Fallout is coming to Netflix and all those other streamers. Any streamer you can think of, really. Get those Peacock passwords from your folks, because it won’t be long now,” Howard said on the red carpet. “It’s cool that Amazon footed the bill for the show, but honestly this was always the way it was going to be. We’re Bethesda, we spread like the plague. It’s what we do.”

“And lest you’d think I forgot about my physical media homies, I have them covered too,” Howard continued. “Dust off those VCRs and Super-8s. Find your old slide projector. People tell me ‘Todd, you have to stop putting things out everywhere,’ and I say, ‘I’ll stop releasing things when people stop buying them.’”

Greg Berry, a Fallout fan and vintage media enthusiast, was thrilled at the announcement.

“I can’t wait to get my hands on a Fallout LaserDisc,” Berry said. “It has a very specific texture that you just can’t get anywhere else. Plus, I had to cancel my streaming services because the prices are getting out of control. I’m so thankful that Bethesda spreads their content across platforms like a virus.”

Head of TV Production at Amazon Studios, Kimberly Rach, later refuted parts of Howard’s statement.

“He said that was a Bethesda thing? He’s joking, right?” Rach laughed. “No one is watching Amazon Prime. We’ve started running ads. Could the writing not be more on the wall that we’re hurting for money? Of course we’re going to license the show out to Netflix, Hulu, and even Zaslav’s mopey ass over at Max. We’ll put it in syndication on ABC Family if we have to — whatever it takes to make that extra cash.”

At press time, Howard could be seen at the theater’s snack bar, spreading his popcorn into multiple containers.