thehardtimes

Hard Digest April 8: Early Access Alcoholism, Gary Busey, Lullabys and More

Added 2024-04-09 00:00:06 +0000 UTC

Concerned Friends and Family Fear Man Has Reached “‘80s Speed Metal Fan” Level of Alcoholism

TORONTO — Family and friends of local man Neil Dupont are growing increasingly concerned for his health after showing signs that his alcohol problem has reached the point of someone who chronically listens to 1980s speed metal bands, several fingerless gloved sources report.

“I don’t get it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard Neil listening to any sort of metal music, let alone anything speed metal,” Dupont’s best friend of 20 years Alan Gorham explained, adding that he usually listened to bands like Counting Crows or Crash Test Dummies. “Sure, he’d have a Mike’s Hard Lemonade or two jamming out to ‘90s adult contemporary once in a while, but before I knew it, he was drinking Jack Daniel’s straight from the bottle while blasting Exciter and Agent Steel all day. He never even made a slow transition which is the scary part. One day John Tesh radio, then bam! He’s passing out in his own vomit blaring Razor. I’m very, very concerned for my friend’s health.”

Dupont feels the concerns over his speed metal-induced drinking are blown way out of proportion.

“I don’t know what everyone is so concerned about. I’ve been covering myself in bullet belts and shotgunning 24-ounce cans of beer since I was a teenager,” Dupont stated. “And besides, I don’t have a speed metal problem, I can quit listening any time I want. I mean, I wouldn’t want to because quite frankly, I think I look pretty naturally badass in Pit Viper sunglasses and my Venom shirt that only has three or four puke stains. My friends and family all think I have an issue, but they have the real problem. They all have poser problems if you ask me.”

Experts claim that metal music and its many subgenres can be used as indicators of substance use.

“Everyone has heard of the speed metal level of alcoholics, and the doom metal level of marijuana smokers. But there are some ‘metal genre level’ substance users that tend to fly under the radar,” expert in metal music Angela Bolowitz explained. “One of the worst and most troubling is the black metal-level incel. Some common symptoms are making negative comments on any woman who wears a Bathory shirt online, and starting a one-man band because that same girl won’t answer their DMs. It’s very ugly and nearly impossible to reverse.”

At press time, Dupont was pulled over by the police on suspicion of DWI when in fact, his destructive driving was brought on by simply driving to a Living Death song.

Just Give Me an Address, and I’ll Scare Your Birds Away, Free of Charge (Guest Column by Gary Busey)

BY IAN STEFFÉ

Are you inundated by the screams of seagulls outside your house wanting revenge for something you said? Are you worried that a Canadian goose is trying to steal your identity and bed your wife? Have flamingoes cyberbullied your son into repeating the 8th grade? I want you to be calm. Take a long pull of a V8 Splash. Because I am the cosmic jester. I am mother and father. I am the sharpened tomahawk that will stop what’s happening with your bird problem, free of charge.

All you gotta do is make the call, and give me your address. I will find the bus tickets. I don’t care where you are. Just give me three days. All I ask upon arrival, as a gesture of friendship, is to hold your hand out so I can smell it. And from there I will get to work.

Through rigorous training in various zoological studies, under the tutelage of neurolinguistic programming experts, I have honed my skills to tailor a fighting style unique to every bird and situation. Emus only respond to violence, and I will discipline them with my hands, my feet, my mouth, and my lead pipe. Ducks are notoriously paranoid and religious, and through the use of some chemicals and black lights, I will manifest an apparition reflective of their guilt. Even parrots, being social creatures, I can DOMINATE using disguises to create a delicate web of lies and seduction that will blackmail them off of your property.

My motivation is driven by a primordial affection for humanity and a desire to alleviate the burdens that plague daily life. The exercise is invigorating and will help me control my type 2 diabetes. This service is a testament. I FUCKING love you and I will protect you. Just make the call. Tell me where you live. TELL ME WHERE YOU LIVE.

Unsuccessful Lullaby Composer Embarrassed Most of Audience Is Awake

BY JOE RUMRILL

SEDONA, Ariz. — A fledgling lullaby composer was wracked with anxiety at a recent sold-out performance of his work when his melodies failed by leaving the audience of small children at rapt attention and fully awake, sources confirmed without the slightest hint of a Sandman visit.

“I’m a dozen songs in and there’s not a snore to be heard in this entire theater. Five thousand-some-odd kids out in the audience, and I’m cursed to have their undivided attention all of a sudden? What’s wrong with me?!” cried composer Ritchie Swinkroff, in a hushed tone. “I realized I’m whispering, which doesn’t even seem to matter at this point. I could be shouting bloody murder at the top of my lungs if I wanted to. You may as well consider me lull-and-void! Oh great, now they’re laughing uproariously at that clever joke. Strike me down now, universe!”

The babies in the audience were of no comfort to the sobbing performer onstage, with many voicing their surprisingly eloquent rage and confusion.

“I’m all ‘what da hell?’ Y’know? My mommy paid good money for this damn concert and this joker can’t even put me to sleep for a few seconds, even? I even gave the jabroni a head start by only drinking warm milk all morning, and EVERY morning for that matter. What gives?” rasped Billy Dunbar, a particular grizzled toddler in the audience. “I smell a hack, and he better get ready to have about a few hundred pacifiers chucked at his head from those of us who have developed the adequate collective motor functions of our limbs yet, that is.”

Original composer of “Rock-a-Bye Baby” Effie Crockett related that she doubted Swinkroff had what it took to hack it in the cutthroat world of lullaby writing.

“Hey, those are the breaks. Some people have talent and some don’t. Take it from me, the woman who wrote the frickin’ golden standard when it comes to lullabies. This buffoon couldn’t put a baby to sleep with a piano full of Xanax, and that’s putting it lightly, because, well, we lullaby folks don’t like putting things any other way,” wheezed the 168-year-old Crockett, while spewing a blob of chewing tobacco into a nearby spittoon and motioning for a waiter to bring her a second steak. “He should start taking the old lullaby adage to heart and ‘hush little baby, don’t say a word’ for the foreseeable future! It’s supposed to be bedtime, not amateur hour.”

At press time, Swinkroff attempted to pass out from fear, but his lullabies were so ineffective he couldn’t even do that.

Top 10 New Hobbies For Divorced Men Ranked By How Bad You Will Get Hurt

Guy Ignores Eclipse in Favor of Destroying Vision by Looking at Screens 16 Hours a Day

BY KELLEY GREENE

CLEVELAND – After learning that looking directly at the sun during a solar eclipse could blind him, Tyler Dennison made a conscious decision to skip viewing it and instead destroy his vision by looking at screens for 16 hours a day, sources confirmed.

“I’ve been hearing about this eclipse coming and everyone’s so excited to see it, but apparently you can’t even look at the stupid thing without going blind,” Dennison said. “What’s the point in some event happening that you can’t even look at? If I’m going to ruin my vision, it might as well be doing something that I love – like playing DayZ alone in the dark or scrolling mindlessly on my phone in bed in dim lighting with the screen brightness turned all the way down.”

“Besides, I have work to do,” Dennison continued. “And once I finish work, I need to decompress, which means either playing Vampire Survivors for 12 hours, watching TikToks until I see at least three ‘you’ve been scrolling for way too long’ videos, or binging The Office for the 9th time. Then I keep doing one of those three things until I’m mentally and physically exhausted enough to sleep, and wake up the next day and do it all over again. But at least I can look directly at all of those things. Plus, I don’t have to go outside.”

Rachel Tester, Dennison’s girlfriend, was disappointed but understood his feelings on the matter.

“It’s a bummer Tyler doesn’t want to come out, because it’s a pretty rare opportunity to see something like this where we live. But to be fair, it’s also not a bad day to sit in front of the television with your phone in your hand and force your eyes to alternate back and forth between reading something close up and then far away. Personally, I can’t wait to see the eclipse, and then spend the rest of the afternoon looking at other people’s photos of what I just witnessed in real life on Instagram.”

Optometrist Dr. Karen Wen recommended exercising precautions in both scenarios.

“I’m desperate for my patients to stop looking at screens all day, but not desperate enough to encourage them to go outside and look directly at the sun during an eclipse,” Wen said. “There are plenty of safe ways to view the eclipse and to rest your eyes throughout the day. But honestly? I don’t even know why I’m telling you this – it’s not like anyone listens to me anyway. Get some rewetting drops and leave me out of it.”

At press time, Dennison was seen opening his blinds during the four-minute duration of totality as it was dark enough outside for him to comfortably watch TV while keeping an eye on his computer.

Finding Like-Minded Community Online Worst Thing That Could Have Happened to Man

BY MATT SAINCOME

WORLD WIDE WEB – Sean Jefferys, 21, has found a flourishing online community of like-minded individuals ready to support him, which will reportedly prove to be the single most devastating thing that could have happened to him and his odds of living a healthy life full of love and happiness.

The community, called Gamers4Truth, reportedly provides great comfort and support to young men who were exposed to what they considered dangerously high levels of woke Community Managers. Jefferys, who has had many worried family members reach out after seeing his recent social media posts, goes to the group for support often.

“Forget them,” one comment reads on Jeffery’s most recent post about his father texting to see if everything was alright. “Your family is filled to the brim with DEI. They chose not to cater to real gamers and can’t be saved. Why bother? We will win.”

Friends and family say the community support has seemingly empowered Jefferys to bring culture war topics into even the most sensitive conversations, including a family group chat announcement about the passing of a loved one.

“Grandma went woke,” Jefferys reportedly replied to his mother’s family group chat message. “Is it any surprise now she’s broke? RIP.”

Nancy Jefferys, Sean’s mother, expressed hope that her son was like many others his age, noting she’d seen charts online showing generational trends which matched up to his actions.

“His Twitter is all cartoons of women,” Nancy said. “But when I ask him about any girlfriends he goes silent. Actually, he also freezes. He goes silent and freezes.”

“That’s normal right?” Nancy added, looking for some comfort. “College is a lot different now. A lot of boys his age are like this. 60 Minutes said it’s called incelibates.”

Experts say the loving support of objectively wrong online communities has wreaked havoc on society’s ability to find common ground in the town square.

“We see a lot of this with young men in Mr. Jefferys’ age group,” Dr. Francis Singh, head of Stanford’s psychology department, who recently published a paper about the importance of not isolating oneself into online echo chambers, said. “Everyone on my doctor subreddit always tears into these little freaks. We’re so smart and rich compared to everyone else it’s crazy – wanna see a picture of my boat? It’s a pretty rare one.”

Game Publishers Quietly Biding Time Until Pay-to-Win Micro-Transactions Become Source of Nostalgia

BY ALEC WALKER

Game publishers’ initial attempt at flooding the industry with in-game purchases that drain your bank account was just the first part of a long-term game to ruin your life, multiple sources confirmed.

“It was obvious everyone was gonna hate them, but we knew we just had to weather the initial storm,” said Bobby Kotick, former C.E.O. and rightful heir to Satan’s throne. “We saw how much money the film industry rakes in from trash remakes that sad people feel obligated to see out of nostalgia, so why couldn’t we do the same with loot boxes? Our ultimate goal is to make fashionable the idea of being dirt poor and depressed like the street vermin you are, but still buying loot boxes. Oh, and make games too, I guess.”

Greg McCoy, a gamer who was 12 during the age of omnipresent loot boxes, resists his temptations.

“Now that I have a job, what harm would it do to bring loot boxes back?” said McCoy, while panic-opening the Fortnite store to stave off the shakes. “I fell in love with gaming when all those flashing lights flared up onto the screen. I don’t even remember what game it was, but it was so entrancing. I even considered going to college for game design to one day be like my favorite blood-sucking publisher idols, but decided against it when I realized most of game design is designing the game. Ew.”

Casino owner Dakota Benally was impressed by the publishers’ depravity.

“We scam whites because they ruined our civilization and stole our land. These guys just do it because they’re… bored? Truly diabolical,” said Benally. “Be careful, gamers. If a publisher tells you to hand over your credit card info for in-game glass beads, consider not doing it.”

At press time, Kotick was seen posting “OMG loot boxes were so lit back in the day, right guys??” on his burner Twitter account GamerNostalgia.