Hard Digest April 7: Early Access Solar Eclipse, Disney Adults, Poser Babies, and More

Bonnie Tyler Projected To Earn $1.47 Off “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” Spotify Streams During Solar Eclipse

BY JERROD KINGERY

AUSTIN, Texas – Recording artist Bonnie Tyler is projected to rake in a record $1.47 from Spotify as millions of users are expected to stream her 1983 hit “Total Eclipse of the Heart” during the once-in-a-lifetime celestial event today, sources confirmed.

“It’s wonderful that people are still embracing the song over 40 years later and enjoying it during such an amazing cosmic occurrence,” Tyler said. “Thanks to my fans, the financial windfall has been so great that I added guacamole to my Chipotle order yesterday without any hesitation, it really made my burrito bowl sing. I was even able to pay for another 15 minutes on my parking meter so I didn’t have to rush. Also, I’m going to pay it forward and donate a portion of this to St. Jude Children’s Hospital next time I check out at the grocery store. I love you all!”

Spotify executive Victor Rodriguez offered congratulations to Tyler for earning the massive payout.

“People are turning to Tyler’s timeless song during the eclipse, which speaks to her enduring talent as a performer,” Rodriguez said. “We’re pleased to say this total ranks in the top 0.01% percent of Spotify’s artist disbursements. Unfortunately, the sudden spike in popularity of the song caught us off guard and we will have to lay off about 400 employees due the size of the payout. This is just the current reality of the music industry.”

Novelty song historian Benjamin Kenisky noted that while Tyler may be setting records with the eclipse, other artists have also benefited from songs tied to specific dates or events.

“With essentially every song ever made at our fingertips, people are naturally going to turn back to an old classic when something like the date reminds them,” Kenisky said. “It’s not just Mariah Carey that cashes in each year because of a holiday hit, Bradley Nowell’s widow gets about 75 cents every year for ‘April 29th, 1992’ streams. Lagwagon splits around 29 cents five ways for ‘May 16’ streams each spring. And of course Earth, Wind and Fire splits a whole dollar nine ways for their song ‘September” every September 21st.

At press time, Greg Ginn of Black Flag was considering adding an extra dipping sauce to his McNuggets order in anticipation of Flag Day.

Oh Fuck: ‘Poser’ Baby Wearing Thrasher Onesie Can Actually Skate

BY MATT HUSSER

LOS ANGELES — Local skater Chris Poole was left shocked today after he jokingly called a baby wearing a Thrasher shirt a ‘poser,’ only to discover that the baby could actually skate, sources confirmed.

“I saw this pudgy baby wearing a Thrasher shirt and made a little joke about him being a poser—well he must have heard me because next thing I knew that baby took my skateboard and did a back smith down the rail at Chevy Chase first try, I had been trying that all day and he showed me up,” said Poole, recalling the incident. “I thought maybe I could get him to stop and give my skateboard back by jingling my keys in front of him, but he just grabbed them and threw them into a storm drain. I don’t think his parents got around to teaching him about the importance of sharing because he never gave me my board back, either.”

Brian Denny, another skater who witnessed the scene, started recording on his iPhone while the baby humiliated Poole in front of the large crowd.

“That baby must have taken that comment personally because he was talking mad shit to that guy, it was mainly incomprehensible babble, but you could tell by his tone that he meant business,” said Denny, posting the video of the incident on TikTok. “Look, you can clearly see that baby winking at that guy’s girlfriend after he lands a nollie tre flip over the double set, too. It just goes to show you that you gotta watch who you talk shit to, because you never know—a couple years ago I made fun of a baby wearing a Slayer onesie and let’s just say I can never go back to that Guitar Center.”

While the baby’s mom, Pam Murphy, was taken aback by the incident, she wasn’t entirely surprised after noticing that her son Travis had developed an interest in skateboarding even before he could walk.

“Honestly we don’t know where Travis picked up this behavior, neither me or his dad skateboard, but just last week we checked on him after his nap and he had somehow filmed an entire part with William Strobeck for Supreme,” said Murphy, installing skatestoppers on the furniture of their house. “For the record we didn’t buy him that Thrasher shirt either, he just showed up with a bunch of merch one day along with an invitation to tour with the Baker team.”

At press time, baby Travis was fielding several offers for a line of signature baby skate shoes, pending a parental permission slip.

Present Father! This New Dad Talks Over His Wife When Describing Their “Birth Story”

BY RACHEL HEIN

Topher Klein wants other fathers-to-be to know that just because they’re not the one giving birth doesn’t mean the birth story isn’t about them. Some deadbeat dads take a supportive, backseat role during childbirth. Not Topher. “The role of ‘father’ is not a subordinate one — during childbirth or ever.”

Ashlynne Klein opened up about her contractions when Topher interjected, “There’s so much people don’t understand when it comes to epidurals–” He proceeded to shed light on female pain management during labor. Ashlynne looks at him lovingly, “Sometimes I start to say something and I just don’t say it right. He always says it better. I’m so lucky.”

Talking about your birth story is such a big part of giving birth. A source close to the couple told us she visited their home for dinner after the arrival of their firstborn and after four and a half hours she had heard the whole story. “I don’t have kids and I don’t really like babies, so I didn’t care about all the details. I especially didn’t like how Topher started by telling me how the baby was conceived, it was vile, but they seemed like they really needed to tell me about it,” she explained. “Ashlynne and I were in the kitchen and she started to tell me more about the birth and then Topher ran in, red-faced, and sweaty to cut her off and kind of just say it louder. I went home and took my birth control.”

But the road to delivery wasn’t an easy one. For nine months, Topher experienced a “sympathetic pregnancy” — i.e. physical and psychological symptoms that men feel when their partner is pregnant. “The manifestation he felt from my pregnancy was really hard on his body. He really struggled and I had to step up and be there for him however I could,” Ashlynne said.

Topher is now writing a book about his experience, as well as starting a podcast with another local “present father” where he’ll use his experience to help expecting fathers (and mothers) navigate their own pregnancy and fatherhood journey. A proud Ashlynne told us, “Topher is such a colorful storyteller. That’s why I fell in love with him. He insisted on a home birth because he did so much research and knew he– I mean we– could do it on our own and didn’t need help from anyone. I don’t know what I’d do without him… probably go to a hospital.”

After educating himself on breastfeeding and even sharing in eating the placenta with his wife, Topher makes sure she isn’t alone for a single moment. And though reproduction is shared by all life forms since the beginning of time, some breeders are special. Topher notes, “It’s kind of my thing, you know?” Ashlynne beams, “My life really began when I became a mom.” “Our life,” he adds.

Solar Eclipse Gets Hard Thinking About How Many People Will Be Looking Directly At It

BY JORDAN LIFFENGREN

BOSTON — The Solar Eclipse, expected to be visible later today, admitted he got super hard just thinking about how many people would be staring directly at him, sources report.

“I love making an entrance,” the Solar Eclipse said. “I’ve always been a performer, even since I was a kid. I just love the feeling of being on stage, you know? It does something to me. Everyone just staring at me in awe, like I’m a god? The idea of the world just raw-dogging me with their eyeballs is so damn hot. Yeah, look at me, baby. You like that? Put those peepers all over me. I don’t care if you wear eye protection, just soak it all in.”

Local tech bro, Jonathan Heedy, says he’s determined to look directly at the Solar Eclipse.

“Only pussies wear special little sunglasses to look at the Solar Eclipse,” Heedy declared. “I’m not wearing shit. No way I’m gonna walk around looking like a cuck. I’ve been fine for this long, so why not take in the Eclipse like a man? Nah, me and my buddies are gonna grab some hard seltzers and head to the park with nothing but this puffer vest and retractable key card. I’m actually thinking about bringing my binoculars to really get up in there and see what’s going on—as if I were peeping on a sexy brunette while she takes her bra off, completely unaware that I’m hiding in the tree next to her bedroom ‘bird-watching’.”

NASA Chief Scientist, Thomas Grayson, sighed with frustration regarding the general public’s dismissal of safety procedures.

“I’m honestly sick of telling people to stop looking directly at the Solar Eclipse, not just because it arouses the Eclipse, but because of longterm health,” Grayson said. “This type of event can occur a few times every year, and yet, no matter how many times we say this, people inevitably go blind. And this is not just an old wives’ tale. Looking at the intense light from the sun even for just a few seconds can literally cause permanent damage to the retina. Have you ever looked up the spike in eye patch sales on Amazon directly after a Solar Eclipse? Not good!”

The Solar Eclipse released a statement, announcing he will be starting an OnlyFans due to an overwhelming amount of requests from admirers.

Disney Adult Knows Where You Can Get the Best $45 Chicken Tenders

BY ROBERT JOHN SCUCCI

ANAHEIM, Calif. – Disney Adult and self-proclaimed “TikTok Foodie” Trisha McCormick knows where to get the best $45 chicken tenders at the price-gouging theme park, confirmed sources who took out a second mortgage to afford a family trip.

“They’re crispy, piping hot, and just the thing you need to put some pep in your step before fully immersing yourself in the most magical place on Earth,” said McCormick as she stopped at the ATM to sign her life over to the Mouse House. “And here’s the insider tip of the century: make sure you purchase the $28 souvenir cup, because the $7 refills basically pay for themselves! Ice will cost you extra, but the cubes are shaped like Mickey, and I don’t even know how they do that!”

Frugal father of three Terry Simmons wonders how he’ll ever financially recover from the family vacation that will surely bankrupt him.

“It’s absolutely ridiculous what they charge for basic amenities at this overpriced hellhole,” Simmons complained while Googling air fryer chicken tender recipes. “After paying for airfare, booking a hotel, and the horrifying price of admission, I’m maxing out all of my credit cards just breathing here. All three of my kids are under five, and they’d be just as thrilled to get a basket of nachos at the local Sheetz and take a couple trips through the car wash. But here I am blowing through their college fund so we can drop $150 on lunch.”

Disney CEO Bob Iger acknowledges the astronomical price points at Disney parks, but claims his hands are tied due to mounting operational costs.

“In order to keep these wonderful, magical parks open, there’s not much else we can do,” said Iger as he dried off his hands with hundred dollar bills in the Club 33 washroom. “Aside from writing off an unthinkable amount of intellectual property through impairment charges on the streaming front, we need to make sure that our margins remain solid. We could offer more affordable meal plans, but we’d have to cut corners somewhere else. And we don’t want to remove another 150 titles from Disney+ to close the gap, now do we?”

At press time, McCormick was spotted hosting a live stream, begging her followers for “honey mustard upcharge” donations.

More From The Hard Times:

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Preparing To Look Directly Into The Sun

Man Thinks Games Were Better When He Was Blind to Their Blatant Political Themes

BY ALEX KITSINGER

MADISON, Wis. — Long time gamer Brett Hansen announced today that games were better before he managed to finally figure out their blatant political themes, according to social media posts.

“Nowadays every game has some hamfisted political theme which I catch on to maybe 200 or 300 hours into the game,” Hansen posted online. “Remember when Helldivers 2 was just about killing bugs? Now I hear it’s also got political stuff.”

Ex-coworkers of Hansen say not being able to detect the main themes in media and elsewhere has been a recurring theme in his life, which he has not detected.

“I worked with Brett at Walmart. Three years in he said, ‘This place was a lot more fun before it was all about making money,’” Dan Saunders, who worked as a cashier along with Hansen, said. “Then he went into this whole diatribe about how he overheard our manager talking about meeting sales goals and that tipped him off to the idea. I was in that meeting. We had it weekly, it was very direct.” 

Family said Hansen has struggled with the issue for quite some time.

“He’s a good kid,” Brad Hansen, Brett’s father said. “Not everyone is quick on their feet but we love him. Growing up we’d always watch the Godzilla movies together. I love those memories we have. But the other day he told me he wasn’t going to watch any more of the movies now that they’re about, ‘woke nuclear and environmentalist stuff.’”

At press time Hansen announced that ultimately gaming had just become too steeped in woke ideology, and so instead he plans to turn to some message-free music by the band Rage Against The Machine.