Hard Digest April 5: Earthquake, Early Access Title Fight, Dogs, Instagram, David Bowie, and More

New York City Residents Instructed to Stay Home to Avoid Small Talk About Earthquake

BY CLAIRE ALEXANDER

NEW YORK — City officials are warning area residents to stay indoors for fear they might get stuck in a never-ending chit-chat loop following a 4.7 magnitude earthquake.

“One of the most dangerous after-effects of an earthquake is the chatter locals share following the event, which can be very detrimental to a New Yorker’s mental health,” said Mayor Eric Adams. “This is a time when people might want to ask you how you’re doing, where you were when the quake hit, or whether or not anything broke inside your home. Please do not engage in senseless small talk, and stay indoors until everyone forgets about this. In stressful times like these anyone can be sucked into uncomfortable conversation with a strange person they don’t want to talk to who will take up several minutes of their time.”

Small business owners throughout the city are terrified of what will come their way today.

“I don’t know if I can take much more of this, it’s been less than two hours and I’ve already had the same exact conversation with at least 40 different people,” said Brooklyn deli worker Henry Suarez. “My one buddy has a customer at his store who is always asking him about ‘the game.’ I say thank god I don’t watch sports, I don’t know if I can keep up with that kinda yammering every day. But now with this earthquake, I am horrified, everyone and their mother is going to come in here and talk my ear off about how scared they were when their apartment wobbled for two minutes. I just want to make sandwiches, I almost wish we were back in peak Covid when everyone was scared to open their mouth.”

Experts from California are warning New York residents about the dangers of post-earthquake conversations.

“One of the worst parts of an earthquake are the texts from out-of-state friends asking if you are ok,” said Los Angeles-based sociologist Marcia Flores. “We expect most people in Buffalo right now are responding to people over 1,000 miles away saying ‘No, the earthquake was nowhere near us. All good here.’ This might seem harmless, but these text exchanges can lead to situations where people say ‘We don’t talk enough, give me a call sometime next week.’ And without warning you’re stuck talking to one of your cousins that just got a third DUI who wants to borrow money.”

At press time, the governor informed residents that if they were feeling any effects of small talk coming on, to immediately drop to the floor and cover their ears to protect themselves from bad conversation.

“You Believe In a Fairy Tale!” Yells Atheist at Title Fight Fan Who Thinks They Will Reunite

BY JOHN DANEK

HAZLETON, Penn. — An outraged atheist berated a fellow customer in a local record shop upon overhearing a discussion that dormant hardcore act Title Fight will be resurrected soon, frightened shoppers reported.

“I’m so sick of sharing the planet with these morons who can’t separate scientific evidence from fiction, so yes- I screamed in her face that she believes in a fairy tale,” admitted outspoken non-believer Chase Linder. “I was minding my own business buying backup copies of some Bad Religion albums when I heard her saying she thinks Title Fight are going to play shows before the end of the year. I couldn’t contain my rage! Because when this prediction doesn’t happen, she’ll move the goal posts to late 2025 then 2026. These people just can’t ever accept when they’re wrong.”

Sara Powley, the recipient of Linder’s outburst, remained undeterred in her belief of an imminent Title Fight return.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve been attacked for my beliefs, but I’ve learned to stay calm and ask the other person ‘Is this where you want to be when Title Fight returns?’” said Powley, who has inaccurately predicted reunions of Every Time I Die and Bomb the Music Industry! “There’s a new Glitterer album out and I can touch and listen to it and it’s fine, but I can’t fight the feeling that there’s just something more out there. I did think they would reunite for the last three Fests, but I’m like, really sure about it this time.”

Experts have devoted much effort into investigating clues and signs for when beloved punk and indie bands will reunite.

“I’ve studied the ancient tomes of punk like Rollins’ ‘Get In the Van’ and old hate5six videos for signs, and I feel like I’m on the verge of a discovery,” declared Rev. Fr. Terrence Recine, a self-proclaimed “punk monk.” “If I get the numerology correct, I will discover the one true name of Title Fight’s next album. And when I utter it, they will come back from the dead. But I’m not sure that the world is ready to be cleansed by new Title Fight riffs since so many have strayed from the path of catchy, aggressive punk in favor of electronic beats and genre mashes for TikTok views.”

Others polled at the scene of the fight admitted that while Linder made perfect objective sense in his rant, he seemed like a “naysaying dickhole” and all agreed he was likely hurting his cause more than helping.

Opinion: Show Me in the Rulebook Where It Says a Dog, Which We’ve Established Can Play Basketball, Can’t Bite Another Player to Death

BY NATHAN KAMAL

Okay, so you’ve called time-out and are wasting everyone’s precious time when they could be watching a thrilling yet family-friendly game of high school basketball. Didn’t we just go down this road? Didn’t we establish that there’s nothing in the rule book that says a dog can’t play basketball?

So, you agree, that’s established. Now, show me where it says in the rule book that the aforementioned dog can’t also bite a point guard to death.

That’s what I thought.

I think you’ll find there’s nothing in Referee Ted’s little rule book that says a golden retriever who somehow has developed the miraculous ability to play basketball on a competitive level with a group of almost exclusively Caucasian teens cannot snap and drag a screaming point guard across the court, his astonishingly sharp fangs buried deep in said player’s calf.

Listen, if you want to keep holding up this game and keeping all the players’ parents and a number of seemingly unrelated weirdoes in the stand all afternoon, by all means, try to find some technicality as to why a dog should be benched just for ripping out the throat of an honors student from our rival high school.

At this point, I think you’re kind of being a bad sport. That’s not a good example to set for the children.

The non-mauled ones, anyway.

Look, I can agree that a golden retriever playing basketball is unconventional. Wacky, even. The fact that he’s currently on the run from a threatening but not intimidating party clown, who could best be described as “PG scary,” adds an extra layer of easily reconciled drama to this whole situation, which, just to keep us all on the same page, is high school basketball.

I’m going to be completely honest with you, I cannot believe I won the “A dog can play basketball” argument in the first place, okay?! The whole time I was arguing, in the back of my head I was just thinking “This is crazy, this is insane, this is never going to work,” but you all went for it! And guess what, you don’t get to pick and choose now! There’s no putting the genie back in the bottle here, dogs can play basketball and maul our youth, and that’s it!

Why don’t you get back to your bench, let Referee Ted do his job, and coach your team the best way you know how rather than have this argument again? We both know how it’s going to end.

Also, we might want to hurry up; the dog has a taste for human flesh now and can only be satisfied with blood or a climactic, game-winning basket just as the buzzer goes off.
Now, let’s all have a good time out there! There’s plenty of kids who haven’t been bitten to death on the bench!

Romantic: Woman Falls in Love After Random Old Man Comments “Beautiful Very So Lovely Girl Hello” on Instagram Post

BY ALEX BRADLEY | APRIL 6, 2024

NEW YORK — Local woman Julie Oliha found her true love when a random old man commented “Beautiful Very So Lovely Girl Hello” on a picture of her that she posted on Instagram, confirmed sources already buying their outfits for the eventual wedding.

“The first thing I noticed about him was his way with words, of course. Staggeringly eloquent,” Oliha said. “But then I looked closer and I saw his gorgeous profile picture, a non-smiling selfie taken at an extremely low angle in what seemed to be a shed, and that’s what really sealed the deal. I haven’t followed him or liked any of his comments or said anything back to him yet but he keeps commenting on my posts with compliments and, occasionally, condescending life advice. I love his devotion.”

The random old man articulated why he comments on Oliha’s posts and he maintained his signature, poetic style of grammar.

“When I see beautiful woman on Instagram Facebook I say ‘hello gorgeous’ or ‘lovely girl’ or ‘Hi dear looking good’ so they know they are beautiful and will notice me but often they don’t say words back, but it is alright but I don’t know why and they should say hello how are you if I take the time to say hello beautiful,” said the man, who owns a house and is a respected member of his community. “She’s not the only one, lots of very pretty women on phone. Maybe too many. Can’t keep up with pretty women.”

Instagram Head of Analytics Alice Pope confirmed that lifelong bonds often start with Instagram comments from strangers.

“People fall in love with random Instagram commenters all the time. But that’s not the only way comments on the app can change people,” Pope said. “Angry, politically-charged comments often change people’s stances on issues such as gun control, racism, and abortion. It’s why the country seems so unified right now. Unsolicited advice is another big one. I was studying psychology at MIT when some middle-aged stranger commented on my Instagram telling me I was wasting my money on a useless education and five-dollar coffees. Naturally, I immediately took the advice and have since become a successful businessperson.”

Oliha’s Instagram luck wasn’t limited to romance, as reports indicate she recently received a direct message saying she has won a free giveaway program and will be given a considerable cash price as soon as she sends her shipping information.

The Next Mona Lisa? Every Time I Watch “Labyrinth” it Feels Like David Bowie’s Bulge is Following Me Around the Room

BY MATT HUSSER

It’s happened to all of us: You start watching Jim Henson’s 1986 cult classic “Labyrinth,” and despite the movie transporting you to a fantastical land full of weird little freaks, you simply can’t take your eyes off of David Bowie’s monumental bulge. Hell, we were so mesmerized by the Goblin King Jareth’s mighty lighthouse erupting from his sea of gray tights that we didn’t even notice there were Muppets in the film until our second viewing!

But luckily, there’s now a scientific explanation for this phenomenon: The David Bowie Effect. Much like viewing the Mona Lisa, which gives admirers the eerie sensation of constantly being watched by the painting’s subject, researchers have found that the sheer gravitational pull of David Bowie’s massive frontal badonkadonk draws your eyes downward and refuses to release them from its orbit. This gives the illusion that Bowie’s herculean hog holster is just outside of your peripheral vision no matter where you are in the room. Some people have described the effect as being so strong that they can feel his enormous Hoggle-smuggler doing ‘the magic dance’ in their minds even after they close their eyes!

Naturally, our new understanding of this phenomenon is just the tip of Bowie’s titanic iceberg, and only invites more questions about the creative process behind this cinematic masterpiece. Why did Jim Henson decide to get a little freaky with it during a coming-of-age kid’s movie where most of the cast were Muppets? Why does the dog Muppet Sir Didymus ride a real dog as his steed, and what does that say about the hierarchy of canine creatures in the world of “Labyrinth”? And why won’t The Louvre return our calls for their art curator position?

We don’t know, but at least we now understand why we all fall under the hypnotic sway of The David Bowie Effect whenever we watch “Labyrinth.” By the end of the film, Jennifer Connelly’s Sarah forcefully proclaims that the Goblin King has no power over her, but we’d gladly brave the bog of eternal stench and descend the MC Escher Relativity staircase for another proper gander at Jareth’s round mound of pound.

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Tony Khan to Counter WrestleMania by Booking Random Match Between Indie Darlings on Collision

BY MATT FRESH

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — With WrestleMania 40 sure to have the attention of wrestling fans everywhere, AEW President and CEO Tony Khan is set to counter-program the showcase of the immortals by booking a random match between indie darlings on AEW Collision.

Khan announced the match in a special video posted on Twitter (now X). 

“This Saturday pro-wrestling fans have something special to look forward to because on AEW Collision on TNT they will be treated to a dream match. AEW’s very own Jay Lethal will go one-on-one with Turbo Ned Tyson! This is an exciting dream match that you can only see in AEW and will no doubt be the best professional wrestling match you’ll see all weekend! This makes Collision the most must-see wrestling event of the weekend for real fans. They’re going to tear the house down for the dozens in attendance!”

Wrestling reporter Dave Meltzer rambled just barely coherently about the match announcement on the latest Wrestling Observer Radio.

“You know it’s Mania weekend and um Tony knows that like, it’s obviously, um, gonna take a huge chunk of the Collision rating. A huge chunk. Um, and obviously, like, you know the ratings are not that great right now as is. You know. So he thinks this match will get some of the more hardcore audience to tune in right. But um, like. It’s not gonna work right, unless he programs it during, like, the Bobby Lashley and Street Profits versus whatever Karrion Kross’ group is called you know. But it’s a dream match, could be good. But, like, you know. It’s what it is.”

Khan has hit back against critics who say booking such a match just for the sake of it is wasting a dream match.

“This is a match that pro-wrestling fans have been clamoring for. It doesn’t matter that there isn’t a story to build up to it. It will be better than whatever The Rock does in that ring. Just wait and see the Cagematch ratings afterward. It’s going to be the highest-rated match of the weekend in terms of star ratings. The views and arena attendance don’t matter as much as that. Also, make sure to watch Dynamite on Wednesday for another great card.” 

At press time, Khan was reportedly seen huffing a white powdered substance while drafting up various promotional tweets for the match to be sent out during WrestleMania.

No Telling the Horrors Man’s Personal Life Must Contain for Video Game News to Elicit This Response

BY MATT SAINCOME

WORLD WIDE WEB – There is reportedly no telling the absolute horrors Timothy Hamilton’s personal life must contain for the casting of a voice actor in a video game remake to elicit this response, concerned sources confirmed.

“They’ve taken everything from me. Everything. But this? No. This is where I make my stand. I will fight like a Spartan at Thermopylae,” Hamilton said of his campaign centered around a voice actress not being hot enough. “I like blondes. Big boobs. Is that so wrong? Put me in jail. Just do it. I know you want to – just like my dad.”

Those close to Hamilton don’t really exist, so insights into his personal life were sparse, but neighbors said they heard his reaction to the casting news.

“I heard loud, angry weeping, then pure rage. Things were being thrown. Also the whole thing seemed sexual,” a neighbor who shares an apartment wall with Hamilton’s said. “I thought Tim [Hamilton] had been doing better. He seemed OK last time I saw him get the mail. I guess things haven’t been going well for him.”

“Tough economy, people are hurting,” the neighbor added. “I hear you can make money posting online now though so maybe that will work out.”

An ex-coworker of Hamilton, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that Hamiliton’s personal life was a putrid mess of his own making, far beyond the meme-able “momma’s basement” or “divorced gamer energy,” calling it instead, “a true nightmare of loneliness and despair.” And those just getting to know him through online interactions don’t seem to have an improved impression beyond that.

“I wrote a story about the news – kinda a press release rewrite blurb thing. It wasn’t even an opinion piece, just covering it,” games journalist Alison Smith said. “Within a few hours he had my address posted on these forums. I clicked around a bit and oh boy, although it’s scary for me, things are not going well for the people on there. Some of their drawings are really twisted.”

Estimates as to what sort of horrible circumstances could create a man so eager to recast himself as a hero to defend what he calls, “the defenseless console and PC gamer” is still unclear. But Hamilton has been undeterred in his quest.

“Someone needs to stand up and tell the truth. Today, I will be the champion for those unable to speak,” Hamilton said in his fifth unanswered comment on a journalist’s unrelated Instagram post. “Western Civilization hangs in the balance. I am ready to be martyred if need be.”

At press time it seems the casting news otherwise went unnoticed.

Kinky SNES Cartridge Blows Back

BY NICK COFFMAN

DAYTON, Ohio – In what can only be deemed a modern-day miracle, a local gamer has confirmed that their Pilotwings SNES cartridge has started blowing back on him. 

Retro game vlogger, Dave Dubberman, discovered the cartridge over the weekend while digging through his recent purchases.

“I was trying to get the old hunk of junk to work so I started blowing into it. That’s when I noticed a hissing sound coming from the cartridge,” Dubberman shared in his daily vlog. “I thought the thing was going to blow up but the hissing just kept going. So I held it up to my ear and kept it there for two, maybe three hours. It was calming and the most arousing thing anyone has ever done to me.”

The cartridge, called ‘PW’ by Dubberman, quickly swept the lonely gamer off his feet. Dubberman details the rest of his steamy encounter later in the same vlog. 

“PW and I spent the rest of the day just blowing on each other. I blew on every crevice and line of her official Nintendo-approved body,” Dubberman said staring deep into the webcam. “I then stripped down to my unofficial Mother 3 underwear and let PW blow on me for what felt like an eternity and yet at the same didn’t feel long enough. None of the three real women I’ve met come close to PW.”

Like many love stories before it, Dubberman and PW’s tale ended abruptly. After a night to remember, Dubberman awoke to an empty bed and a letter left behind by his cartridge.

“Dave. I will never forget our night together. I haven’t been blown on like that in ages,” Dubberman read aloud, tears running down his face. “I may be an old cartridge, who needs a blow from time to time to work properly, but there’s no amount of blowing that can fix you, Dave. I can blow until my screws come out, but you’ll still be sitting here, in your misery, spending all day making angry posts in r/KotakuinAction. I hope you get the help you need. That new game with the jiggle physics sounds nice. I hope she can give you what I can’t. Don’t come looking for me. Love, PW.”

At press time, eyewitnesses reported Dubberman rummaging through the SNES cartridges at GameSwap, blowing on each one in the hope that they too would blow back. 

Marvel Fans Outraged Fantastic Four Movie Also Has Visible Woman

BY R. ANTHONY MAHAN

BURBANK, Calif. — Following Marvel Studios’ announcement that the upcoming Fantastic Four film had cast Julia Garner as a female version of Silver Surfer, fans of the Marvel Cinematic Universe voiced their displeasure online at the inclusion of a woman who would constantly be visible.

Marvel YouTuber Bradley Sheldon led the charge against the casting.

“As usual, the woke leftists have tried to frame it so anyone who hates them ruining your favorite series must be some kind of bigot,” ranted Sheldon. “None of us hate women! We have no problem with the Invisible Woman being in the Fantastic Four movie. She’s a great character with cool powers. I love the way she turns invisible so nobody can see her and no one has any idea there’s a woman in the room.”

Other critics of Garner’s casting have argued the issue is changing the identity of an established comic book character.

“There’s only one Silver Surfer, and his name is,” said self-proclaimed comic book expert Cory Hudson before stopping to look at his phone. “Norrin Radd! You can’t go changing characters people are familiar with. The MCU’s charm was that it used everyone’s original identities, like with Ant-Man. I mean, why stop with Silver Surfer? This is shaping up to be the worst superhero movie since The Flash. At least that movie kept the original Flash in it.”

Although Garner has won three Emmys, fans are also skeptical she has the necessary gravitas to play the herald of a planet-eating god who rides a surfboard in outer space.

“That’s the problem with the M-SHE-U these days.” Sheldon paused, glancing uncomfortably at the camera. “And so we’re clear, the ‘SHE’ in M-SHE-U stands for ‘Sloppy Hiring Environment.’ I already addressed this during my 300th Captain Marvel Flops video. My concern has always been with acting and writing quality. I have no problem with female characters as long as they’re done well. Black Widow is actually my favorite recent Marvel film. Watching a film about a strong, kick-ass woman knowing that in current continuity she was dead was such a moving experience.”

At press time, Sheldon is reportedly in the process of editing his 3-hour video essay on why going woke has bankrupted Disney which currently only has a $219.51 billion market cap.