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Hard Digest April 4: Joe Biden, WrestleMania, Early Access Iron Maiden, Therapy, and More

Added 2024-04-05 00:00:04 +0000 UTC

Outraged Joe Biden Says We Won’t Personally Kiss Each Missile In Next Round of Artillery Sent to Israel

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden is reportedly fuming after Israel’s military killed seven aid workers and said he will no longer kiss every bomb and gun the United States sends to Israel to continue their attacks on innocent civilians, sources confirmed.

“Listen Jack, I’ve had just about enough of this malarkey. I called up Netanyahu and I gave it to him straight, I told him that from here on out all the missiles we send will no longer feel the tender touch of my lips as a gesture of unity and goodwill,” said President Biden. “And on top of that, I will no longer whisper ‘God bless the United States and God bless Israel, deliver us peace sweet angel of warfare’ at the artillery either. I’m done. If they want to drop these bombs on people they are going to have to do it without my sweet caress.”

Hardline Republicans were quick to criticize President Biden for his decision.

“When I look back in history I think of great leaders like President Reagan. He would personally visit top secret missile silos with nuclear bombs and sit on top of them without any pants on so each device was slathered in his musk, and that man delivered peace to the world,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “During the Iraq war, my close personal friend and hero, George W. Bush would drizzle his own semen over every hellfire missile we used in Iraq, and that’s why we were able to liberate that country so successfully. If Biden isn’t willing to kiss every bomb then he might as well just come out and endorse Hamas.”

Activists who continue to call for an immediate ceasefire say the President’s actions are not nearly enough.

“I’m not sure why he was kissing the bombs in the first place, they are going to explode whether they have been kissed or not. We need to hold Israel accountable for the atrocities its government is perpetrating every single day. The blood of the Palestinian people is on our hands, and Biden needs to stop sending weapons that American taxpayers funded,” said Tamara Aziz. “Biden should not get credit for his refusal to make out with implements of destruction that are killing innocent people. I just want him to agree to get more food shipped to Gaza, if he needs to shit on the crate first I won’t care. Just get it to the people.”

At press time, President Biden walked back his initial statement and said each bomb will get a small peck, but no tongue.

WrestleMania Fan Pre-Books ICU for Stomach Pumping this Weekend

BY CLAIRE ALEXANDER

HOBOKEN, N.J. – WWE fan and local embarrassment, Connor Duncan, reportedly made preparations to save his liver during WrestleMania this weekend by pre-booking an emergency trip to the hospital, sources confirmed.

“My girlfriend is always telling me to plan ahead,” said Duncan while unloading twelve cases of beer from his truck. “I bought some pigs in blankets, a keg, and called the hospital to let them know to keep a slot open for me around 10 p.m. because I plan on getting wrecked. Me and the boys have been ending our night at the Hoboken University Med Center every year for the past three ‘mania’s, so I let them know ahead of time that we would be keeping the tradition alive so they don’t give my spot to some pregnant lady or someone that was in a car accident. It would be a shame if they couldn’t accommodate us because that would mean my 12-year-old son would have to drive us to a different hospital.”

The hospital staff appreciates Duncan’s thoughtfulness in booking the space.

“Dunks is an old buddy of mine,” said emergency room nurse Scott Miller. “This is the only place I get to see him now that he’s been banned from every bar in the area after he tried to have sex with the animatronic crocodile outside of the Rainforest Café during 2022’s WrestleMania. We get a lot of people in here every year this weekend, so it’s nice to know I will see a familiar face choking on his vomit among the drunken crowd, even if he doesn’t remember seeing me.”

With the popularity of “hitting the pumps” each WrestleMania, rep for reservation company, Resy, Mary Rodriguez, announced the business’s plan to capitalize on the opportunity on this holiday and others.

“Resy is proud to announce we now are linking with local hospitals so that guests are prioritized for WrestleMania as well as other special occasions where they can predict they will be getting blackout drunk, such as St. Patrick’s Day, Mardi Gras, and the final days of Toyotathon,” said Rodriguez. “We are excited to say we will even discount your medical bill by 15% if you sign up with your student ID for a Prom Pump! Drink up!”

At press time, Duncan was alerting the police they could expect to arrest him for public urination outside of the Hoboken University Medical Center and attempting to give an EMT a Rock Bottom.

Therapist Much Cheaper With Ads

BY BILL ROCKAS

LOS ANGELES — Executives at BetterHelp, an online resource for counseling and therapy, announced that their sessions will be made cheaper with the introduction of advertisements that randomly interrupt the call, distraught sources confirmed.

“I feel stupid that we didn’t think of this sooner,” said BetterHelp CEO Alon Matas. “The indecisive clients will sit patiently through the ads and the stubborn will pay even more for what they want. Then we introduce more expensive bundles – packages with therapists who actually listen, sexier therapists, or even sessions with access to the media libraries of Disney+ and Hulu. In any case, we’re minting money off these sad sacks. It’s ultimately their fault for needing therapy in the first place, I’ll tell you what, most of the people that use our platform are verifiable whackos if you ask me.”

BetterHelp users have had a mixed response to the new changes.

“I guess it’s been good for me to get a break every 12 minutes so I can learn about the new Carvana financing guarantees,” said spineless push-over and beta tester Matthew Coddle. “I never feel like I’m being listened to and that goes back to the fact my parents were never around, but I guess that’s just selfish to trauma dump all the time. And the commercials have given me some good and direct advice. Since using this program, I’ve created five HelloFresh accounts and finally worked up the courage to tell my dad ‘Ace is the place with the helpful hardware folks.’ So, I think I’m happier… I guess.”

Many therapists have spoken out about this frustrating change in their profession.

“I feel that BetterHelp is not only taking advantage of people seeking out mental health services, they are also devaluing what my colleagues and I do as a career,” said Dr. Melinda Gunson. “In order to compete with their pricing model I’ve had to offer similar plans where I have a local car dealer come in halfway through a session and let my client know about the features on the latest line of Mazda SUVs. It’s been a tough adjustment.”

At press time, BetterHelp partner brands announced they are changing their commercials to be more relatable for their viewers and will feature Little Caesar exhibiting signs of clinical depression and the Charmin Bear parents will spout Conservative Catholic viewpoints while engaging in corporal punishment.

Oh You’re A Hold Steady Fan? Name Your Favorite Divorce Attorney, AA Meeting, and Hardware Store in Omaha

BY YANCY LEE CRAWFORD

That’s a nice “Separation Sunday” shirt, but I can tell you’ve never listened to The Hold Steady the way I have. Until you’ve been banned from a Stone Temple Pilots subreddit for being too religious or proved that your childhood trauma stems from the Nebraska state fair, you don’t know shit about The Hold Steady.

I’m generous, so I’ll give you a chance to prove yourself. If you can name the best divorce attorney, AA meeting, and Hardware store in Omaha, I’ll mix this orange Gatorade with Diet Mountain Dew and chug it.

Let’s start easy. Who’s your favorite attorney? Trick question! You’ve only been divorced once, so you wouldn’t know! While you were listening to “Stay Positive”, I was tripling down on my mistakes. How many women have called you, “fucking hopeless,” lately? It’s five in the last week for me, dork! Anyway, if you could answer the question, you’d probably say Nebraska Legal Group even though the real answer is Husker Law.

You’re a poser, but if you get two out of three, I’ll throw up on the hot dog rollers in the 7-Eleven over there. So, where’s your favorite recovery meeting? I saw you at Alano Club once, but I RARELY attend meetings to ensure I’m permanently on the verge of relapse. The fear I’ll get so drunk that I shit myself and pass out on the lawn at my nephew’s birthday party is mega cool. Besides, if it weren’t for my dangerous dance with sobriety, how else could I connect to Craig Finn’s lyrics in such a meaningful way?

Looks like you’re in danger of getting shut out, hoss. So you can either recite all the lyrics to “The Price of Progress” or talk about hardware stores. If you get either one right, I’ll glue my toes together and run barefoot down the street with all that garbage juice on it. So when you need a new mailbox because your ex-wives set yours on fire, where do you go? Let me guess–you’re a Lowe’s guy. But use your head! Johnson Hardware down the street from the Omaha Dog Bar is the superior choice because it has fewer items and costs more. Plus, it smells like my first pressing of “Almost Killed Me” in there.

I knew this was a waste of time. I’m gonna go cry to “Boys and Girls in America” and eat some taquitos because you suck ass.

Conservative Iron Maiden Fan Argues Some Powerslaves Were Treated Well, Learned Valuable Skills

BY TIM GRAHAM

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Conservative metalhead Edgar Hardy insisted that the “woke” interpretation of what life was like as a Powerslave in ancient Egypt is all wrong, according to viewers of a TikTok video he produced from his F250.

“The narrative on the left in the metal community is that the experience of being a Powerslave was entirely negative, and that’s just not correct,” said Hardy as he balanced a phone on his steering wheel in preparation for his next video. “The wokesters are always trying to hold people accountable for shit that happened a really long time ago that we had nothing to do with. Actually, things really weren’t so bad for the powerslaves. They learned skills like how to cut huge stone blocks from quarries and move them great distances. It would be good for young people today to toughen the fuck up and learn the value of hard work like that.”

Bruce Dickinson, Iron Maiden frontman and writer of the song “Powerslave,” offered some clarification on the matter.

“I doubt this sod ever actually listened to the lyrics,” said Dickinson while performing a pre-show codpiece snugness check. “If he had, he’d know that the song is told from the point of view of a pharaoh who is distraught that even as the most powerful person in the Egyptian empire, he is still a ‘slave to the power of death’—a mortal, just like everyone else. I’m not surprised, really, as Tories and the like have a tendency to misread most anything that has any nuance.”

Rock journalist Cliff Quist says that the right has a propensity for missing the point when it comes to song meanings.

“After researching conservative music criticism for some time now, it’s clear they generally have a hard time understanding what songs are actually about. For instance, I recently saw a video essay where a man holding an AR-15 asserted that Filter’s ‘Hey Man, Nice Shot’ is a pro-Second Amendment anthem,” said Quist. “There was a conservative music podcast that attempted to recontextualize Crass as a libertarian band. I also read a Substack article that somehow came to the conclusion that Bad Religion’s ‘Flat Earth Society’ was genuinely in support of the Flat Earth theory.”

At press time, Hardy had uploaded a new video suggesting that The Arcade Fire’s “Neon Bible” should be taught in schools.

Every Arnold Schwarzenegger Movie Ranked By How Likely Your Dad Will Tolerate Being In The Same Room With You While It’s On

Americans Quietly Reassured There Is No Other Side to Story

BY HARD DRIVE STAFF

USA – Comforted Americans were reportedly reassured today that, contrary to their general instincts and everything they’ve experienced in life, there really is no other side to the story, especially when it comes to U.S. foreign policy and military actions.

The reassured feeling reportedly swept the nation almost instantly, providing citizens a sort of quiet comfort required to carry on about their lives. Sources confirm the feeling was only reinforced by President Biden pledging to either fund or be personally involved in any conflict he hears of.

“Look, folks,” Biden said to reporters gathered outside an ice cream parlor. “If there’s a war out there, we’re gonna be a part of it. And on the right side. And don’t worry about the details or the other side of the story. Hospitals? Aid workers? It’s all very straightforward: we’re the greatest country in the world.”

Critics say every American nodding their heads in unison and saying “sounds good” to being told they are the good guys 100% of the time may not be great. However, these critics were promptly reassured that their concerns are unfounded, as there really isn’t anything to worry about.

“Why complicate things with nuance and history?” said a top White House advisor, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “When it comes to which side we bomb or buy bombs for, it’s best not to get lost in the details. That’s our tradition. And let’s be honest, it’s been working out great for us so far.”

The revelation that as a nation we need not worry about the reason current or future bad guys exist was reportedly a big relief to many.

“Oh, thank god,” said Barbara Cunningham, a local high school history teacher. “I don’t have to bother asking for an updated version of our textbooks with all that ‘blowback’ and ‘multiple perspectives’ nonsense. It’s like I always tell the kids: if it’s not in The Good Guys and The Bad Guys: A Comprehensive Guide to U.S. Foreign Policy then it isn’t worth knowing.”

“I’m proud of the price we got on those bombs by the way,” Frank Gavins, a teacher’s assistant apparently including himself with a “we” when talking about the federal government’s sale of advanced weaponry, added. “They drop bombs on bad guys. I’m not a bad guy. Are you?”

At press time, many Americans took to social media to urge others to continue voting for the good guys, a group they say probably doesn’t include unarmed aid workers.

Kanye West Accused by Workers of Acting Like Kanye West

BY MATT FRESH

LOS ANGELES — Rapper Ye, formerly known as Kanye West, is facing a workplace abuse lawsuit as employees of the star have accused him of acting like Kanye West.

Former employee Nicholas Cassidy filed the lawsuit this week, claiming that West created a hostile work environment by acting like Kanye West.

“It was really awful. He was narcissistic, racist, antisemitic, and just all-around deranged. Every day he would go around spouting off insane ramblings like how Hitler deserved love and how he would have succeeded if he had some Yeezys,” claimed Cassidy. “A lot of times he would threaten us in a Super Mario voice and then do a little dance. Just completely unhinged, erratic behavior. Exactly how you would expect Kanye West to act. It was traumatizing.”

Another employee, Travis Taylor says that his friends and family warned him before taking the job.

“Everyone said not to work for Kanye. All my friends, and all my family said the same thing. He’s Kanye and he’s going to act like Kanye and you’ll hate it but I blew them off,” Taylor said. “I figured he’d never actually be there running things but he was there pretty much all the time since he really has no one to hang out with when he’s not making new, worse music.”

Kanye denied all the allegations against him.

“I didn’t do anything. To be honest I don’t even think they worked for me. They’re simply using my name and my greatness for some agenda. I made Graduation. I invented art. I am Picasso, I am Alexander the Great. They are Bill Gates and his foundation, trying to discredit me because he knows I’m a threat to the whole matrix of society,” explained West.

At press time, Kanye was reportedly designing a new outfit for his wife that looks like a NASA spacesuit but with no pants.