Hard Digest April 1: Early Access Andrew W.K., Tenure, Animoprhs, and More

Andrew W.K. Tries to Convince Friends He Always Wore Pink Jeans After Laundry Mishap

BY JOE RUMRILL

LOS ANGELES — An errant red shirt in a recent laundry load led party-rock mainstay Andrew W.K. to attempt to convince those around him that he actually always wore fuschia-colored jeans, sources seeing through the lie confirmed.

“Not sure why everyone’s making such a huge deal about the pants I’ve always worn. It’s not like I’ve committed myself to a recognizable uniform that I’d look outlandish out of, so, again, really not front-page news that I’m wearing these pink jeans,” said a clearly trying to keep up appearances W.K., as his blushing face turned the same hue as his trousers. “Honestly, all these friends of mine saying that I’m always wearing white should really get their eyes checked, I’m worried for them, to tell you the truth. Or, maybe it’s the camera lenses that have photographed me over the years that have made them look that way? Any way you slice it, we can all agree: Andrew W.K. has always worn pink jeans, and white jeans have never been associated with him whatsoever. Now, where was I? Oh right, let’s party.”

Actor Kat Dennings, recently married to W.K., admits to feeling her betrothed’s secondhand embarrassment.

“Oh, it’s cringeworthy to watch your spouse squirm under such scrutiny, that’s for sure. I just don’t get why he’s so committed to the lie, the guy’s been wearing all white since before Y2K, just drop it!” said Dennings, as she watched her husband sullenly plunk away at a nearby piano. “He’s considering releasing a re-recording of ‘Don’t Stop Living In The Red’ as ‘Don’t Stop Living In The Pink’ to back up his claim, but I’m pretty sure the public will see right through it. His fans like to party, but they’re not morons. Plus, he looks good in that color, don’t you agree? ”

As to how and why a red shirt got into W.K.’s all-white laundry, the blame rests squarely on a rock star of a different stripe.

“Hell yeah, I tossed a red shirt of mine in there with his stuff,” said a brusque Jack White with a chuckle. “I’ve been feeling nostalgic for the days of the White Stripes and wanted to throw the old crimson on to re-live some memories, but that sucker stank. I probably hadn’t washed it since ‘De Stijl,’ and boy did the shirt ever ‘de stijnk,’ if you know what I’m sayin’! But, since all we famous rock stars use the same laundromat, it must have gotten switched up with Andrew’s. He should be thankful Slash’s hat didn’t end up in there, instead, you wanna talk about a nose-pincher! Hooo-eee! Welcome to the Jungle, inDEED!”

At press time, W.K.’s mood lifted considerably after he realized that an all-pink wardrobe would hide bloodstains far better than his previous attire.

We Reported Our Professor for Sexual Harassment and Nothing Happened to Him but We Did Learn About How Tenure Works

BY STEPHEN BELL

Being sexually harassed at school is a difficult problem to handle but with some encouragement from my friends, I worked up the courage to tell the university authorities about what was happening. To my dismay, no actual consequences were doled out to the professor. However, I did learn a lot about how the tenure process works at the university.

The guy who I reported was pretty high up within the university and was well respected and considered an asset. Like when this guy wasn’t making inappropriate comments about his female student’s cleavage he was apparently writing major grants to bring in millions of needed dollars to fund the university. The loss of this funding would apparently negatively impact the university worse than some silly non-stop unwanted comments and advances ever could.

It was then explained to me that I was probably just imagining these things and that I should know that this professor was one of the most consistent professors in terms of teaching over the years. I protested that he was also consistent in harassing students as per testimonies previous students gave on social media once I started asking about him. Nevertheless, the campus official said that you can’t believe everything you read on the internet before warning us not to be near the accused professor when he was drinking. That’s when the totally playful and not weird “Tickle Monster” comes out.

I still felt that the university official was being obtuse and I called them out about it. They then explained that when a professor is put up for tenure there are entire committees and review boards that have to give them the recommendation. It would look really bad for many people in the university if they had signed off on giving this professor tenure 10 years ago. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair for them to be punished when the first rumblings about this professor’s behavior only came out 12 years ago. How were they to know?

So there you have it folks it turns out that institutions are more important than the individuals and you just have to deal with your problems by transferring universities. Surely other universities wouldn’t do the same.

Mid-Points of “Animorphs” Covers Having Trouble Finding Other Modeling Work

BY JOE RUMRILL

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — The professional mutant models used for the halfway points of the “Animorphs” book series covers are reportedly, and understandably, hard up for more gigs, vaguely creeped out sources confirmed.

“I’ll tell ya, ever since the ‘Animorphs’ cover industry has dried up, I can only find work on the scant ‘Weekly World News’ cover story or ‘Science Gone Wrong!’ clickbait headline. You’d think as one of the only half boy/half anteater models on the scene today, I’d be able to secure more work, I’m as surprised as you are!” remarked Garrison Whiteside, mid-point of “The Suspicion,” the 24th book in the series. “Being a starving artist is something you expect at a certain level when you enter this industry, but not when you primarily eat ants! My human side controls my tongue, so I’m shit outta luck in that department too. I’ve been sneaking into the zoo at feeding time just to ensure a daily meal. Things are pretty bleak.”

Other former “Animorphs” cover actors have taken to producing their own works in hopes of ensnaring attention.

“I flat-out resorted to writing my own off-broadway musical version of ‘The Island of Dr. Moreau’ just to get myself and my old pals some stage time in front of an ever-harshening industry. It calls for dozens of human/animal hybrids, and we’ll be the first to do it without any makeup or prosthetics. All natural,” said half woman/half bear Ashley Kifton-Price. “Sure, I’ve hit a snag or two in terms of funding, I’ll admit. But I can’t help it if all the possible producers I meet with are afraid they might get mauled by me. I’ve just started to take meetings with folks who are already playing dead in the fetal position, I find it makes things go smoother.”

“Animorphs” creator Katherine Applegate is allegedly unaware of the strife her books have caused these models.

“‘Animorphs,’ at its core, is about inclusion. Of all people, animals, and mutant middles. It was not my intention to just use these talented, singular models once and cast them aside. I have resolved to do better,” said Applegate. “I have begun work on a new spin-off series for these models called ‘Ani-midphs’ where they are the hero, and there is no need for them to change or conform to society (or species) norms. Oh, and in the books, no one is creeped out by them when they do something like eat a bug or flop around in the mud or anything like that. C’mon, it’s fantasy, after all.”

At press time, a half human/half cat from the “Animorphs” series was seen unable to stop sneezing as it was allergic to itself.

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Alert: Copies of Stellar Blade Demo in Your Area Want to Be Played

BY NICK COFFMAN

KANSAS CITY – Demos of Stellar Blade, the hottest game in your area, are waiting to be picked up by gamers just like you and played hard, according to an alert.

Manly gamer Travis Stamps says he received the alert, but wasn’t interested.

“A crazy amount of ads just started popping up on sites that I frequent,” Stamps said. “But I wasn’t going to give in to my animalistic gamer ways. I can get any game I want. I don’t need these ads trying to get me locked down into their game.”

Stamps was reportedly unwilling to disclose the specific websites he visited, instead offering to screen share via Zoom to show some of the ads ravaging his web browsing.

“A copy of Stellar Blade is just two miles away,” one ad read. “Don’t empty your Burst Gauge until you’ve played Stellar Blade,” read another. “You won’t last through the entire demo,” yet another teased, as the game’s protagonist stared into the reader’s eyes.

Stamps says he evaded the allure of the ads. He wondered why his ad blocker had forsaken him and put him in the situation in the first place, but insisted he would be installing a new ad blocker as soon as he could. Then another ad popped up on his screen.

“No microtransactions. No bullshit,” the ad read. “Just hot, anonymous Stellar Blade.”

At press time, Stamps admitted he had clicked multiple ads and entered his credit card information no less than thirty times.

Putin Sends Console Prototype to Games Journalists Along With Pictures of Their Families

BY MATT FRESH

MOSCOW — As reports Russia plans to create its own gaming console spread online, President Vladimir Putin has allegedly sent prototypes to games journalists all over the world, along with pictures of their families.

Games journalists who report receiving the prototype have had positive things to say about it.

“It was a bit of a shock when it first arrived. To have a random package from Russia arrive was pretty suspicious at first but when I opened it and realized what it was it was a relief. Vlad was really nice to send these to us. I’ve tried it and it’s honestly one of the best consoles I’ve ever played,” said James Hicks, a writer for several gaming publications, with a quivering voice.

“The graphics were incredible, the gameplay was state of the art. It was amazing hardware overall. Much better than the consoles we have,” said Erin Bernard, an editor at Games4You, quickly packing a bag and heading to her car. “This thing is the future of the industry and Putin should be proud of the work his country has done to develop it, just another thing he’s put us to shame with. I hope he knows how highly we all think of this,” continued Bernard through tears.

When asked about the pictures of their families that were sent along with the prototypes, the journalists were very receptive. 

“It just shows how much he cares,” said Hicks. “I don’t know how he got that photo but it was a nice personal touch. Looks like it was taken from my backyard window. He’s a friend to gamers. Make sure you quote me on that.” 

At press time, the lone journalist who gave the prototype a negative review was unreachable by reporters, their family, and police.

Euphoria Season 3 Expected to Start Filming in 50 Years After Washed-up Stars Have No Other Choice

BY BRENDAN OSORIO

LOS ANGELES – HBO announced this week that the long awaited third season of Euphoria will finally resume filming 50 years from now once all the stars of the show are finally washed up and won’t have a choice.

“We’re really excited to have a tentative start date for season 3 in 2074,” Sam Levinson, creator of the show tweeted on Sunday. “We’d obviously prefer to get back to filming much sooner but with everyone’s busy schedules it’s just hard finding time. It’s definitely just a scheduling issue and not at all because no one wants to do it anymore.”

Stars of the show, Zendaya, Jacob Elordi, and Sydney Sweeney were all unavailable to comment on the delay or even confirm the supposed Spring 2074 start date. However, Zendaya’s publicist, Darius Groveland, released a statement on her behalf:

“Zendaya loves Euphoria and working with Sam and all that. But she’s one of the hottest young actresses in Hollywood right now. She’s got that new sexy tennis movie coming out soon and that’s where her focus is. Once she’s done with press for that and a few more Spider-man movies and Dune sequels and they offer her 12 times her previous rate, she’ll be happy to return to playing Rue.”

Fans of the show have been reportedly losing hope and wondering if season 3 will ever happen or if its just wishful thinking.

“It’s just really heartbreaking I may not get to see these characters that I love ever again,” said Euphoria super fan, Fanny Henderson. “I just worry that by the time a season 3 might finally come out I’ll be too old to relate to the characters. I might realize how terrible and malicious half of the characters in the show really are. Or I won’t be able to glorify a lifestyle of sex, drugs, and toxic relationships!”

At press time, Sydney Sweeney is said to be currently considering the scripts of Euphoria Season 3 and Madame Web 2 to see which one would make the best kindling for her fireplace.

New Patch Breaks Every Aspect of Game Except Store

BY ALEC WALKER

Abrand new update to the FPS looter shooter, Battle Legends: Future War 4 has fundamentally destroyed every one of its functions, aside from the in-game store which remains perfectly intact, multiple sources confirmed.

“Why do we keep putting up with this?” said lifelong gamer, Brooklyn Smith. “It was already dumb to buy a Nicki Minaj skin for a game that will be outdated in 6 months, but now I can’t even use it. The store is a black hole for my money. I just hope they’ll use the money to improve the game so that things like this never happen again. They will do that right?”

Rob Gort, CEO of the publishing company responsible for the game, tried to put a positive spin on things.

“We’re not sure how this happened. We specifically asked our underpaid and overworked developers to make the game work, so you should take your frustrations up with them. Their emails and home addresses are linked in my bio,” said Gort, on his way to the dev office’s torture room.

“Our game may be unplayable right now, but this is a perfect opportunity to scroll through our robust cosmetics shop! Players should really check out all the great appropriately priced items we have there. Even if they don’t, we’ll force them to look at it every time the game loads up! How about a 20 dollar skin of a bald Austin Butler from Dune: Part II? Isn’t that just what you need to level up your game? We seem to think so,” said Gort.

Snoop Dogg, who has a legendary skin available for purchase in game, offered advice to frustrated gamers via social media.

“Please stop playing the game, man. In-game skins are like voodoo dolls, when I get shot in the game it feels like I’m getting shot in real life. I’m begging you,” said Snoop. “Buy the skin obviously, but just uninstall the game right after that. The game wasn’t good when it worked, so what does it matter that it’s broken? I’m bedridden from the pain you’ve inflicted on me.”

At press time, game developers were seen trying to figure out a way to make the game’s item shop appear on screen every time players reload their weapons.