Hard Digest 03/31: More Easter, Early Access Metallica, Vaporwave, Ageism, and More

Child Laborer at Fast Fashion Warehouse Can’t Keep Up with Metallica Partnerships

BY ZAC LUX

BANGLADESH — Representatives overseeing child employees of the most successful garment factory in the country reported the illegal laborers can’t keep up with the production of Metallica branded clothing.

“It’s just too much,” said 8-year-old Aijaz Biswas, one of the more senior members of the Child Laborer Division at H&M’s garment factory. “We have to cut and sew this stuff so fast that my hands feel like they are on fire. My shredded, bloody fingers aren’t the worst part of this job, they will heal. It’s the terrible art printed on all the shirts? It will stay with me for life. Talk about salt to the wound. My manager says if we can produce 75% more product this year then the band will send us a video message thanking us. But I don’t know who these guys are, and I wish they would stop touring so we can slow down a little.”

Members of Metallica don’t see a problem with utilizing child laborers to produce clothes emblazoned with their branding.

“I mean, come on,” said Kirk Hammett, lead singer and guitarist. “We’re giving these kids an opportunity. How sick is it that they get to work for the most kickass metal band ever to grace the earth? It’s great for their resumes, and think about it, by the time they reach a more appropriate age to work jobs on the business side of the music industry, they’ll already have decades of experience working for mother fucking Metallica, baby! Besides all that, there’s no way we can survive rocking all these stadiums without the financial catalyst of these crappy t-shirts sold at fast-fashion outlets to teenage girls. We would starve otherwise.”

According to high-level executives at various cheap fashion stores, the “Metallica Effect” is mutually beneficial in that it makes everyone but the child laborers boatloads of money.

“If Metallica didn’t exist, our company would have gone down the drain a long time ago,” said Daniel Ervér, President of multinational fast fashion clothing store H&M. “We aren’t the only ones who rely on Metallica to survive. Forever 21, Zara, Shein, I could go on and on. The relationship between fast fashion companies and Metallica is so symbiotic now, we need them to continuously crank out these sub-par albums, just as much as they need us to keep producing sub-par articles of clothing for them to sell at 100 times the cost of production in every mall in the West.”

At press time, Lars Ulrich was too busy drafting a lawsuit against someone who made NFTs slightly referencing their shirts to comment.

Ageism? Nobody at This Party Cares That I Saw Bane in a Basement in ‘98

BY REUBEN BLANCHARD

I’m not a gatekeeper. Hardcore is for everybody. But I just casually dropped that I saw Bane in a basement in Allston back in ’98, and nobody said a damn thing.

What? Because I’m 42 I’m not “scene” enough? The fuck? Do these kids not get it? Bane. BANE. And not on some weak-ass reunion tour bullshit. This was before “It All Comes Down to This.” And it was early ’98, so it was just 7 inches at this point. No EP. Was Turnstile even born yet?

Respect your hardcore elders, ya fucks. I don’t care whose party this is, or how many times I’m told “This isn’t a party, this is an open-casket wake and we are calling the cops.” I’m gonna make sure that everyone knows the significance of me cornering Aaron Dalbec in a musty basement while I tell him about the band I want to start. Just because I’m 47, doesn’t mean I’m not down.

Are you ready for this? My buddy Tommy from Brockton, god rest his soul, was also there, and he was talking about how he wanted to do something important with his life, and I said, “Tommy, you should GIVE BLOOD.” Bedard was definitely within earshot, and then 3 years later they released which album? You’re welcome. I’m not looking for credit, but somebody should recognize me for what I did.

Meanwhile, everyone at this party keeps telling me I’m being “disruptive” and “nobody knows who you are. why are you here?” And “please leave this Stop & Shop immediately.” Can you believe this shit? You know there was an age when guys like me were looked upon with respect. You could say “Yeah I saw Bane back in the day” and people would respond “That’s awesome” and “Tell me more stories about how you saw bands that are now very popular, long before they became so popular.” But now that I’m 51, everybody’s looking at their phones and telling me “You can’t show up to an elementary school production of the ‘Pirates of Penzance’ if you don’t have a kid here.”

Speaking of which, kids these days are so fucking soft. In my day hardcore was all about welcoming anybody who cared about the music, regardless of where they came from or what they believed. But now it’s all about being “inclusive”, whatever the fuck that woke shit means.

What was I talking about? Right, seeing the Cro-Mags at CBGB’s in ’85. Hell of show.

Echoes of Windows 95 Boot-up Sound Reverberate as Archeologists Disturb Cursed Tomb of Vaporwave Musician

BY TREVOR HAZELL

CINCINNATI – An expedition led by Cincinnati University’s Archeology Department recently uncovered what is believed to be the lost tomb of Vaporwave musician Annal0g夢の風景 in the basement of a suburban Mariemont home, and, as a result, potentially unleashed a curse upon the entire city.

“We believe the incredibly loud electronic sound we heard was caused by cracking the tomb’s seal and the rush of the air pressure stabilizing,” said Dr. Raymond Wethersby, head of the archeology department. “That’s what created the noise that eerily resembled the Windows 95 boot sound; there’s certainly no mummy’s curse. We mustn’t let fear-mongering distract from the true cultural impact of this discovery. Never before have we seen such a cultural mishmash of artifacts like this: marble statues dated to the Greek era alongside what we can only describe as ‘90s Taco Bell fixtures. It’s as if they were clinging to some semblance of a forgone era they themselves never even bore witness to, obsessed with the past. Sad, yet fascinating.”

A local anthropology student who wished to remain anonymous for their safety thinks that Dr. Wethersby’s no-nonsense scientific approach ignores the possibility of supernatural influence.

“As soon as we entered the sacred site, I could tell there was an ominous aura to the place,” said the student. “We happened upon the musician’s remains, buried alongside their ancestral instrument–a Macbook Pro with FL Studio. We actually came across a floppy disc containing a single file labeled ‘ミイラc u r s e d.wav.’ We played it and it really freaked me out. But to be totally honest, I’m not one hundred percent sure what we heard on that file was a curse. The whole thing was also overlaid with segments of George Michael’s ‘Careless Whisper’ slowed by like 50 bpm. It was a chill vibe for sure, though.”

Self-proclaimed Egyptologist Mark Dabrowski gave his expert insight into reported odd occurrences, such as illness amongst residents, that corresponded with the unearthing.

“Look, as a longtime expert on Egyptian culture and a lifelong Cleveland Browns fan, I know a curse when I see one,” said Dabrowski. “I’ve deciphered the ancient Japanese hieroglyphs that adorned the tomb. Yes, it was complete nonsense, as if the writer had no real knowledge of the language and used Google Translate to create a broken, grammatical mess just for the aesthetics. Nevertheless, this sounds like the work of an angry soul trapped in a 3D-rendered prison, seeking validation as a serious artist, not just a passing meme. No one is safe. We will all be haunted by the quiet whispers of the AOL ‘You’ve Got Mail!’ over some sampled song from ‘Ecco the Dolphin.’”

At press time, an investigation into the illness befalling the city was confirmed by the EPA to simply be the result of regular pollution levels of the Ohio River.

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“He is Rizzin’” Local Youth Pastor Desperately Tries to Connect To Kids

BY GARY KERLS

LOWER MERION, PA – In a last ditch effort to connect to the younger generation, local pastor Ben Tuck has overhauled his upcoming Easter Sunday service with vibes and aesthetics more suited for a Gen Z congregation.

“Kids today aren’t being touched by the Holy Spirit like they used to. I’m worried the word of God isn’t translating to the youth culture” said Pastor Tuck as he prepared Sunday’s flamin’ hot eucharist. “My sermon needs to slap this weekend if we want any chance of staying afloat financially–that’s why we’ll be streaming the entire service on Twitch doubling any gift subs we get.”

Self proclaimed teenage expert Lydia Powell has been hired by the local church as a Gen Z liaison, hoping to translate the ‘King James Bible into the King James Charles Bible.’

“The word of God hits different when you know the priest isn’t capping. Everything he says about the Rizzurection is straight facts. Pontius Pilate canceled Jesus leading to the ultimate L, but in three days he’ll finna be back like he never left!”

Some local young people are skeptical of the church’s code switching, while others seem to be refreshed by a potential gospel glow up.

“It’s giving ‘how do you do fellow kids’ boomer vibes.” says 9th grader Joshua Simons. “The Church has always given me the ick. And now the priest is being sus calling confessions, ‘vibe checks,’ and telling us that we need to simp for Jesus. If anything I feel like we should be stanning Jesus? I don’t know, the whole thing seems pretty mid.”

Regardless, Pastor Tuck feels like these changes are for the best, “Look, at the end of the day my job is to make sure these kids know our lord and savior JC understood the assignment and died for their sins, dead ass. Periodt. On God.”

At presstime, Pastor Tuck was still deciding whether to label the church’s donation basket, “Holy Fanum Tax” or “Secure The Bag For Jesus”

Jesus Re-Release Widely Panned for Lack of Physical Media

BY KELLEY GREENE

JERUSALEM — An updated version of Jesus has been re-released after only three days, but many followers are unhappy with the lack of physical media, sources confirmed.

“Today’s re-release has been an incredible letdown,” said Mary Magdalene, Jesus’s rumored on-again, off-again girlfriend. “I wasn’t even expecting it — I was just on my way down here to anoint His tomb when the ground started shaking and some angel came down from the sky. They rolled away the stone in front of the cave and made an announcement that we’d be getting a Jesus re-release. And I was thrilled, especially after that crucifixion bug really did a number on the last version we had.”

“Instead,” Magdalene continued, “I ran inside, excited to see re-released Jesus, and there was literally nothing in the tomb at all except an old dirty shirt from Turin. I left it in there because I’m not interested in doing any more of Jesus’s laundry. Washing his feet was bad enough. Either way, this sucks. This isn’t a Jesus re-release. This is a joke.”

Jebidiah Jones, recent follower of Jesus, found himself disappointed as well.

“I’d heard a couple of rumors, so I got in line last night near the tomb so I could be first to access the Jesus re-release,” said Jones. “But there’s nothing in there, like, at all. I’m supposed to download this thing with some kind of a prayer, I guess? Or getting water sprinkled on my head? I don’t really know. I also overheard people saying I might have to eat someone’s body, and I’m not into cannibalism.”

God himself clarified that the Holy Spirit was kind of still the same thing as a man.

“This is not difficult to understand,” God said. “It’s called the Holy Trinity, for my sake! Jesus is me, the Father. But he was also himself, the Son. And now he’s been re-released as the Holy Spirit. Look – it’s not something you can see, but He’s there and available to access. You shouldn’t have to be able to touch Jesus to enjoy the re-release. Just have faith that he’s there, give me 10% of your income, and stop asking questions.”

At press time, God was seen lighting a bush on fire to get a human’s attention so they could write up a little explainer on this whole thing.

6 Year Old in Back Seat Youtubes “All Easter Egg Locations Grandma’s House Game Guide”

BY ALEC WALKER

Modern gamer Brixtley Chambermaid studied up prior to the neighborhood-wide easter egg hunt his grandmother hosts every year by searching for clues on Youtube, multiple sources confirmed.

“I’m excited because I’m gonna play Brawl Stars and Warzone Mobile and watch tiktoks while I do the easter egg hunt.” said Chambermaid, to his friends on discord. “If I have to have one thought in my brain ever, I will not be able to handle it. Also, if I know where all the eggs are, then that means I can find them fast and feel good about myself right away. If it’s hard at all I will cry until my parents let me leave.”

Brixtley’s father, John Chambermaid, had thoughts on the culture shift from when he was a kid.

“Easter egg hunts used to be so much more fun before everyone had access to Youtube. Now kids these days all have optimized routes, meta setups, and half of them are live streaming it.” said Chambermaid, trampling neighborhood kids to beat them to easter eggs. “What happened to just trying stuff out to find your playstyle? Being unaware of how terrible you are at a game used to be half the fun!”

Youtube Game Guide creator, TheGameLord, explained his process for creating easter egg hunt guides.

“I just walk up to random houses, and if a grandma opens the door, I ask them where they hide their easter eggs,” said TheGameLord. “They let me right into the house every single time. It’s kind of insane actually. It’s like old ladies lose the ability to discern genuine kindness from obvious stranger danger. I’m a good guy but like, what if I wasn’t? Anyway, I map out hundreds of neighborhoods to get all these guides uploaded for my subscribers. Each video only gets like eight views because they’re only relevant to that specific neighborhood, but eight views across a few thousand videos every Easter is what we like to call a solid revenue stream, my friend.”

At press time, Brixtley was found Googling “All emergency pooping locations grandma’s vegetable garden game guide” after eating way too much chocolate.

Easter Basket Full of Wild Exeggcutes Disappointing Kids Who Wanted Cadburys

BY JOE RUMRILL

MILWAUKEE — A throng of children were instantly crestfallen Easter morning when they swarmed their baskets in hopes of Cadbury chocolate treats and instead got wild Exeggcutes, stunned family friends confirmed.

“So, none of them are filled with chocolate? And they’re just going to glare at me menacingly until I send them into battle? This is worse than church!” wailed 6 year old Jamila Cosgrove, while fighting back tears from the rancid smell emitting from the cracked open one.

“This is worse than the year where we all got a chocolate Easter Bubsy instead of bunnies! Hollow ones at that! Where are the Robins eggs? Where are the Peeps? Where are the Cadburys??! What kind of just and true Easter bunny would wish this hell upon us? Is all religion a sham?” Cosgrove continued, while ignoring the ever increasing battle music the Eggs seemed to carry with them.

The children’s parents were embarrassed of their mistake, but adamant in their assertion that the wild Pokemon made adequate Easter presents.

“I understand that they may be rather on the upset side now, but once Christmas comes and there’s a few Leaf Stones in their stocking, those psychic henfruit’ll evolve into Exeggutor. After that, they’re going to be BEGGING to build a treehouse at the top of that goofy looking sucker, just you wait and see.” said the elder Cosgrove, while consulting an upside-down Pokedex after a few too many morning mimosas.

“And, if all else fails and they get bored of them, we’ll flush those weird lil guys down the toilet – Oh, crap, one of the egg’s got our three-year-old hypnotized into a trance, be right back…”

Foremost Pallet Town science advocate, Professor Oak, decried the fairly common practice of gifting ill-equipped children pet Exeggcutes during the Easter holidays.

“Every Easter, it’s the same thing. Eager parents looking for a quick and easy basket-stuffer rummage through the Pokemon Center half-off bin and buy their kids cheap Bunnelbys, Mareeps, and yes, even the odd Exeggcute in order to keep in the spirit of the holiday. It’s a grim sight whenever these Pokemon evolve and begin to cause chaos around Labor Day, and that’s when the threats of toilet flushing come out from these ill-prepared parents,” said Oak, as he tapped his clipboard that simply said “POKEMON” on it.

“I solemnly vow to end this practice by the release of Pokemon Legends Z-A in 2025, or else my first name isn’t Samuel…Oh, my first name is Samuel. Did you not know my first name was Samuel? It’s Samuel. Look it up!”

At press time, Mr. Cosgrove decided to nip any potential trouble in the bud and served up one of the weirdest, most telepathic omelets anyone’s ever eaten.