Hard Digest March 30: Early Access Easter, Therapy, Squatting, and More

Punk Celebrates Easter by Painting Eggs Before Throwing Them at Police Station

BY AUDREY VIEIRA

AUSTIN — Local punk Kyle Burnett’s annual Easter egg painting tradition took an interesting turn after he drove to a nearby police station to throw them at the building, sources with egg on their faces confirmed.

“Painting eggs is just therapeutic for me,” Burnett said before tossing one into a law enforcement vehicle’s windshield. “I spend all of Good Friday listening to my favorite Christian bands to get into the spirit, which is nice because I get to revisit Underoath’s early work. Then I invite my friends over to draw band logos and other cool shit on the eggs before getting in the car on Easter morning to chuck ‘em at pigs. Feels good to get out there and celebrate since I had to give up vandalism for lent.”

Officer Mike Richards was not amused by Burnett’s actions and plans to press charges for attempted murder.

“Oh, he paints all the eggs?” Richards said while removing eggshell fragments from his uniform. “I wouldn’t know that since I only see them after they hit me in the goddamn crotch. Don’t laugh at me. Some of those things were hard-boiled. If I hadn’t worn my bulletproof vest, that kid could’ve killed me. Some of the other officers think I’m overreacting because we found a few shells with skulls painted on them, but they weren’t even Punisher skulls. Those would have been much more respectful.”

Youth pastor and self-described Jesus expert Clay Driscoll offered a surprisingly more positive interpretation of the incident.

“Say what you will about the vandalism, but Kyle painting colorful eggs for our boys in blue is totally in line with what Jesus says about loving your enemies,” Driscoll said after leading youth group. “He’s tossing Easter joy straight through their windows even though they have to work during the holiday. That kind of gesture is sure to get him into Heaven when the time comes. Hopefully not soon, but worst case scenario, he’s logged enough community service hours to get past the pearly gates.”

At press time, the cops began their annual Easter egg hunt by cleaning up broken eggshells around the station.

​​Aw Crap: I Thought I Said Something Normal but My Therapist Responded “Let’s Unpack That”

BY REUBEN BLANCHARD | MARCH 31, 2024

I’ve been seeing my therapist, Terry, for a few months now, and overall it’s fine. I go to his office and get to complain about my job. It’s a great way to blow off steam, and not saddle my girlfriend with all my work drama. But recently he’s been asking about my parents. All I said was “Every family screams at each other.” But Terry sat there for a second, cocked his head, and said “hmmm… let’s unpack that.” And now it’s a whole thing.

Look, I’m a modern man. I understand I don’t have it all figured out. But if I’m being honest therapy sometimes just feels like a whine-fest. I had a great childhood. But as soon as I say something like “if I smell alcohol on a man’s breath, I immediately think of my dad” Terry just responds with some overthinky, pschobabble like “It sounds like you never felt safe as a kid.” Which is pretty ridiculous. Because NOBODY feels safe as a kid, right? That’s part of being a kid. You know at any point you’ll do something wrong, and it’ll set your parents off. That’s just part of growing up.

My parents didn’t hit me, and that means they were good parents. That’s the metric everyone uses. But Terry will say something like, “A lack of physical violence doesn’t mean a surplus of love” because he clearly doesn’t understand my parents. They grew up at a different time. Things were hard for them. So encouraging their children in their pursuits isn’t something they had time for. All I ever needed from my parents was an occasional “good job,” a pat on the back, or an extra scoop of ice cream. And sure, I never got those things, but how else was I gonna learn that I was neither special nor important?

I appreciate that Terry is trying to help me, but he acts like my parents were abusive when I say something like “My dad has never said he loves me” or “My mom has clearly tried to sabotage every romantic relationship I’ve ever had.” I mean, he refers to my folks as “emotionally withholding”, and it’s like, did Terry just not have parents? Because that’s what parents do: they withhold emotions so that you do whatever they say in the hopes that they will express even the smallest bit of love or approval, so… oh fuck. Yeah, never mind, Terry’s right.

Nation Once Again Agrees That Easter Candy Made of Exact Same Ingredients as Regular Candy Tastes Better Due to Shape

BY PETER WOODS

BETHLEHEM, Pa. — Consumers across the nation broadly agreed that easter candy tastes better than regular candy despite being made of the same ingredients, sources experiencing a sugar coma confirmed.

“People are always surprised by this,’” said Juliette Chung of the National Institute for Dietary Trend Research. “But take Heath Bars as an example. Eating one is technically the closest experience we have to biting down on a mummy’s thumb that also has rocks in it. But if you imagine eating one in the shape of a rabbit, it actually sounds kind of appetizing. A Reese’s egg will hit much harder than a simple peasant Reese’s cup.”

While many journalists and national pundits have claimed that Easter candy is made of different ingredients, food scientists have disproved this theory.

“We’ve run every possible test on these candies we could think of,” said organic chemist Shauna Frye. “We’ve done every kind of spectral and chemical analysis available to the scientific community. There’s absolutely no difference. But when we tried a piece of Hershey’s special dark chocolate in the shape of an egg, our taste buds damn near gave us an orgasm. Basically, all we did was prove that our 26 billion dollar lab is useless and that we might as well burn the place down and start over.”

With this improvement in flavor scientifically proven, many have called on candy companies to produce Easter shaped candy all year. However, corporations have been reluctant.

“There’s a pretty serious danger in doing Easter shapes year-round,” said Lean Collins of Mars, Inc. “Environmental agencies have repeatedly told us that if our candy tasted that damn good all the time, our sales would skyrocket to the point of over-production and we could potentially deplete the world of all of its food resources within 15 months. So making our candy in shitty-tasting shapes is actually how we give back to the planet.”

In a joint statement, representatives have confirmed that Just Born Candy Company will only make peeps in the shape of chicks, and Cadbury will continue to make cream eggs to trick people into thinking they are eating something other than styrofoam and frosting jizz, respectively.

Cost of Living Too High? Here’s How I Bought a Gorilla Suit and Started Squatting at the Zoo

BY TIM SHEARD

Have you ever gone on Zillow to fantasize about your dream house? And then searched a cheaper area after you realized your dream house is too expensive? Oh look, there’s one you could maybe afford someday if you want to live in that Ohio town where the train derailed and poisoned the water. How about this one? Wait no, that’s an empty plot of land on a nuclear testing field. Maybe that one? Nope, that’s just a pop-up ad for the San Diego Zoo.

And you wonder, what are your options really? You work a stable full-time job and it’s still not enough to afford rent, let alone a house someday. And the primates in that ad looked really peaceful roaming on that spacious grassland.

Here are the steps I took to secure myself alternative housing while impersonating a zoo gorilla:

Step 1: Give Up

Accept that there really is no other option. You’ve tried looking up DIY tiny house tutorial videos. As a last resort, you’ve stared at the abandoned ice cream truck across the street and wondered if it could fit a mattress inside and how badly you’dd be injured trying to get the raccoons out of there. But let’s be real: you have no idea how to build anything, you don’t own a mattress, and those raccoons would use their tiny fists to beat you to a pulp. It’s clear what must be done.

Step 2: Buy a Gorilla Suit

A high-quality suit is a good investment here, but I imagine that isn’t an option for many of you. I was only able to afford a Party City gorilla suit. I’m hoping that I can make up for what the suit lacks with a very passionate acting performance. If that doesn’t cut it and I get caught, I’ll just say that the whole thing was a performance art piece to protest capitalism.

Step 3: Break Into a Zoo

The downside of residing near a major city is the absurdly high cost of living. But the plus side is that there are usually a few zoos in the area to choose from. Make sure you pick one that has a gorilla exhibit. It seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people screw this part up.

There are a few disadvantages to my new lifestyle: Harambe (no relation) won’t let me on the climbing apparatus during enrichment time. I accidentally used my AirPods, and a zookeeper saw. But instead of discovering that I’m a human, he assumed that gorillas are just evolving at a quicker rate. I think scientists are coming to study me, and I overheard that Jane Goodall might even be visiting on Thursday. And the worst part of all is that I still can’t figure out how to get that damn banana out of the puzzle feeder.

But it’s still a lot less stressful than my previous living arrangement.

Just do it. Go apeshit. Be free.

Call of Duty Clone XDefiant Also Copied Activision Work Environment

BY MATT FRESH

SAN FRANCISCO — XDefiant the online multiplayer shooter from Ubisoft San Francisco copies more than just the gameplay from Call of Duty as sources have confirmed that the developer also copied Activision’s work environment while making the game.

Various devs on the project have come forward with statements on the work conditions they’ve faced.

“It hasn’t been good. We’ve been forced to crunch, ideas are constantly scrapped, so many internal deadlines have been missed and there’s rampant misogyny everywhere. But this is what we all agreed to. It was made clear on day one that if our game is going to be like Call of Duty, it needs to be made like Call of Duty,” said one dev.

Game Director Wade Bagwell explained the thought process behind emulating such conditions.

“It’s all about getting into that mindset. Once we decided for the game to resemble Call of Duty more closely I knew that the best way to accomplish that was by using Activision’s own development techniques,” said Bagwell. “Anyone can make an online first-person shooter but not everyone can make a Call of Duty and that’s because of the immense amount of harassment that goes on behind the scenes. You can’t make games that big that quickly unless you treat your workers like dirt.”

Bagwell claims that the transition to a poor workplace was easy.

“Luckily at Ubisoft, we have plenty of experience at this sort of thing and most people were all too happy to start back up. The was a huge morale boost amongst a lot of our male employees once we announced the plan. They were so happy to get to start making inappropriate comments to their female colleagues again. And HR was happy to hear they could start ignoring complaints again. They hate paperwork. A lot of the women didn’t seem too pleased but what can you do?”

At press time, Ubisoft CEO Yves Guillemot is reportedly in contact with Bobby Kotick to learn some leadership tips.