thehardtimes

Hard Digest March 28: Early Access AI Art, Social Media, Skechers, and More

Added 2024-03-29 00:00:04 +0000 UTC

AI-Generated Metal Album Artwork Gives Rotting Corpse Horrifying Amount of Fingers

BALTIMORE — Local death metal band Infested Remains landed in hot water after fans criticized the AI-generated corpse on their latest album’s artwork for looking “weird” and “anatomically incorrect,” disappointed sources confirmed.

“Listen, I understand the ethics of not being allowed to use real human corpses, but surely they could have used dead birds or something to avoid lawsuits from anyone’s estate,” former fan Samantha Garcia said while showcasing a slideshow of dead crow photos on her phone. “I say that as someone who actually likes how the body’s wonky extra fingers form the Infested Remains logo. Some guy who got exposed to radiation probably spent his entire short, painful life waiting for that moment just for a computer to take it from him.”

Infested Remains frontman Justin Grimshaw insisted the artwork’s appearance was intentional and completely unrelated to his refusal to pay a real artist for their work.

“We actually looked at a few human artists before landing on AI, but none of their portfolios were nasty enough to get our fans banned from the airport,” Grimshaw said as he ironed the album cover onto a T-shirt. “The extra fingers won us over as soon as our bassist started going off about how freaky they were. We ended up adding even more fingers to the prompt and got what I think could be our ‘Dawn of the Black Hearts.’ Seriously, it looks like part of the background was scraped from that.”

Technology expert Collin Rodney suggested the situation could lead to even more horrifying album artwork in the future.

“Before AI, you could only have one corpse on your album artwork. Now you can have a whole bunch of them Frankensteined into a never-before-seen monstrosity with a weirdly distorted face,” Rodney said while avoiding eye contact with the design. “It makes me wonder if artificially generated horrors will outdo manmade horrors as people continue to generate images. I hope they at least make the programs smarter, because those hands freak me out.”

At press time, members of Infested Remains were seen adding “firework victim” to the prompt for their next EP’s artwork in hopes of getting a design with a normal amount of fingers.

Life Hack? Why I Deleted Social Media Apps to Spend Twice as Much Time on Social Media Websites

BY JENNIFER DONOVAN

Hey, man, you look a little down. Everything ok? Oh yikes, sorry to hear about your mom and that bus. Have you tried spending less time on social media? I’ve been doing this social media cleanse my life coach recommended and it’s worked wonders for me. Haven’t been on an app in 3 weeks 2 days and 18 hours. Somewhere around there. You kind of forget about it once you’re off the socials.

Try it! You’ll feel so much better. Just don’t forget to make a long post about how you’re deleting the app to focus on YOU and definitely not going to just access social media via the websites which is the same as using the app but lacks some of the features that make scrolling so easy so you actually spend more time using it. The best part is you can’t really share anything properly, so nobody knows you are seeing their posts.

I would just rather talk to people in real life, ya know? Be present! My coaching group has this really cool forum that helps keep you accountable. Now that I’m Media-Free I actually SPEAK to other human beings when I’m out in public. Just the other day I was at Whole Foods telling someone about going Media — wait, are you crying? What’s this about a wake? Is that a Tik Tok trend? I told you, I don’t pay attention to that stuff anymore, man. It rots your brain, clearly you need to try something new.

Anyway, as I was saying, real life. That’s what is important. When you delete social media apps you can claim you don’t even use social media, even though you still very much do. You can spend twice as much time on your phone while maintaining the superiority of someone who doesn’t own a TV but religiously streams every episode of ‘Floribama Shore” on their laptop. You can be totally uncontaminated by propaganda, fake news and targeted advertisements designed to – A GoFundMe? This is what I’m talking about, dude! You need to get OFF-LINE. Make honest connections like the one we are having right now.

Hey man, I gotta run but it’s been really great catching up! Anytime you want to hang out in real life I’m all for it. Tell your Mom I said hello!

Aging Punk Enters “Skechers” Phase

BY JEFF BENDER

SAN FRANCISCO — Local 39-year-old punk Martin Brown finally succumbed to a pair of plush slip-on Skechers walking shoes after years of wearing Doc Martens, platform jackboots, and various buckled, zippered, and lace-up off-brand buskins, sources confirmed.

“What, these?” said Brown after trying to slink past the back pool table at Molotov’s. “My spirit still wears the black Bruno Marc combat boots I bought at Buffalo Exchange years ago. But my body just went to the podiatrist, and she noticed growths of nerves between my toes and, let’s just say, she’s thinking it’s neuroma. She prescribed me orthotic inserts and Skechers with Max Cushioning. I have to say, they’re quite comfortable. I can now walk to get my mail without having to tend to an alarming amount of blisters, blood-stained socks, and foot deformities as a result.”

Fellow punks looked on aghast as Brown slipped one off and shook its Memory Foam heel trying to get a pebble out.

“Oh, no,” said Brown’s longtime friend Cherly “Knife” DeBelle. “Not Martin. I’ve looked up to this dude since I got to the Haight. He’s from the old scene. But now, with the cloud shoes, he sort of looks—and sounds—like an old dentist. I even watched him wet a paper towel and lean to wipe his dusty midsoles. I guess that’s better than the time he bought a pair of Docs that were four sizes too big so he could wear his new Skechers inside them. It fooled no one.”

Members of the footwear community remain unshaken by the aggressive downshift in Brown’s vigorous attire.

“Aging punks are one of our biggest demographics,” said Skechers CEO Walt Northweather. “They spend years scoffing at our brand, believing feet should be anything but comfortable. But in time they all come around. We have a whole department devoted to ferrying rebellious, anti-establishment delinquents from blisteringly stiff leather to the kind of comfort we can all get behind. That’s why your local shopping mall has one of our suppliers, like DSW, between a Spencer’s and a Hot Topic. After a certain age, punks can’t resist.”

At press time, Brown was seen safety-pinning a fleece dog collar around his neck, claiming his old leather one’s “really starting to chafe.”

Every Death Album Ranked Worst to Best

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Boogie2988 Confirms Girlfriend Technically Old Enough to Join His Steam Family

BY MATT SAINCOME

49-year-old famous YouTuber Boogie2988 announced today that despite public criticism implying the contrary, his girlfriend is technically old enough to join his Steam Family, sources still feeling generally uneasy about the situation confirmed.

“In most states you can share games with anyone over the age of 16 – but she’s already 21,” Boogie said online, a few weeks before his girlfriend’s 21st birthday. “Steam family sharing and any potential IRL couch co-op is completely legal.”

Online commenters said although the relationship was likely in line with local laws and Steam’s code of conduct, it made them a little uncomfortable nonetheless.

“What do a 21-year-old and 49-year-old have in common? What do they talk about?” one online commenter who goes by DanTheMan91, said. “On the other hand the dude has a ton of games. Can I join his steam family too?”

Debra Hessinger, head of Standard’s psychology department, says that the traditional nuclear Steam family is changing.

“It used to be that a man and a woman had one collection of games, which they shared with their children,” she said. “Now it seems older men prefer to share games with women who recently were – but technically no longer are – children. Completely legal, but a fascinating sociological change which should be studied.”

At press time, the Cut was preparing an op-ed from a young woman arguing the merits of joining an older man’s Steam family.

Cool as a Cucumber: This Rocket League Player Started Typing in All Lowercase When His Opponent Accused Him of Being Mad

BY CAMERON ABERNATHY

VALDOSTA, GA — Platinum-ranked Rocket League player John Williamson released a response to recent accusations alleging he was angry during his most recent match, stating “lmfao im actually so chill right now.”

Featuring only lowercase letters, analysts have concluded from the response that there is literally no way he could have been mad and everyone is overreacting, actually.

“He kept typing in all caps to me, threatening my life and his own,” said Alex Stein, the aforementioned opponent. “But, once I asked him if he was mad, he basically just told me he wasn’t in all lower-case,” continued Alex, “which are obviously the most laid back and cool types of letters. I was really confused.”

“I literally didn’t care,” reported John, shaking. “I’m ballin’.”

“His Apple Watch detected that his heart rate was so high that it notified me in the middle of the night,” claims Dr. Merles, John’s primary care physician. “He wouldn’t respond, so I had to drive over. When I got there, John appeared from the outside to be enraged, punching his walls and screaming about ‘pixel hits.’ But, right before I was going to involuntarily sedate him, he turned, told me that he was actually completely calm, and it was actually me who was freaking out.”

Dr. Merles was able to provide John’s chart, giving definitive proof that he is the first human to ever experience every chemical and physiological indicator of anger and stress while miraculously remaining completely divorced from the emotion itself.

“It’s simply amazing that behind that facade of tears, pounding fists, heightened cortisol, and a biological impulse to kill others, there still rests some stoic oasis of serenity within John. It’s a legitimate medical miracle.”

At press time, Williamson released a response to critics by somehow rolling a joint and playing the bongos simultaneously.

Ben Shapiro Assures Cities: Skylines 2 Players They Can Sell Beachfront Properties if Waters Rise

BY LUKE DAMMANN

LOS ANGELES – After Cities: Skylines 2 announced the release of its first paid DLC expansion, Ben Shapiro assured unhappy players that they can always get rid of their new beachfront properties if water starts rising on the coast.

“This is something I have been asked about numerous times in the past and I will continue to maintain a firm stance on,” stated a flustered Shapiro, sipping on a foul-smelling coffee-like beverage. “I own multiple condos and houses across the coasts of California and New York, and my plan has always been to get the heck outta dodge as soon as things start to go south. The second I feel water reach my knees, I am leaving everything and everyone behind and listing the property on Zillow.”

“Why wouldn’t players simply get rid of their houses if this so-called global warming were to miraculously cause the oceans to rise?” Shapiro continued. “Do you honestly think players are so dumb that they would simply leave their computers running overnight as the Indian Ocean swallowed up their properties? No! They will simply select and delete these locations and start somewhere better than California, somewhere like the great freedom-loving state of Florida.”

Cities: Skylines 2 fan Jared Booker disagreed with Shapiro’s take.

“I paid $10 for like 6 buildings and 4 trees. And what am I supposed to do if they finally include global warming in a future DLC pack? How am I supposed to ask for a refund after I’ve already had this installed for a few years? And it’s not like I can actually pawn the game off on someone else. Nobody wants a house that’s halfway underwater.”

Carrie Roberts, a representative from Paradox Order, was surprised to find the company aligned with Shapiro.

“He’s right,” Roberts said. “I hate to say it, but everyone should definitely buy this DLC. There’s nothing to worry about going forward. In the game, of course. In reality? Coastal cities are definitely going to flood. But that’s as far as I can go here. And for the record, we don’t agree with Ben Shapiro on literally anything else. Anything else. Please don’t put that we agree with Ben Shapiro.”

At press time, Shapiro was seen ranting about how wokeness is not only ruining video games but geography as well.