Hard Digest March 25: Early Access Lay Offs, Class War, Free-Thinkers, and More

CEO Calls All Hands on Deck Meeting to Tell Employees About Cool Band He Discovered, Also Massive Layoffs

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

PALO ALTO, Calif. — CEO Steve Westwood of tech juggernaut SnaxR called an emergency all-hands-on-deck meeting to excitedly inform employees of a cool band he discovered and that half of them were fired, investors have reported.

“I know this is last minute, but I have to tell you about this amazing band I caught during my retreat in Big Sur. I was at this artisan distillery bar after six hours of meditation when these guys called Neutral Milk Hotel California hit the stage and induced a spiritual awakening. Like imagine Pixies meets the Beach Boys. The way they merged genres inspired me to merge departments so as of this moment we’re restructuring the company and 45% of you are fired,” said Westwood. “Getting back on track, you all need to check these guys out. I shared a Spotify playlist of their last three albums in the chat, but please do listen on your personal devices as your work laptops have been deactivated.”

Nearly all of the recently terminated employees were shocked but not surprised by Westwood’s actions.

“Normally when Steve calls an ‘all hands’ it’s to sneak a humblebrag about what celebrities he was hanging out with before informing us we’re going to take on more work with no pay increase, but mass layoffs? He could have saved time and fired us via Soundcloud,” said former IT manager Claudia Mills. “The most insulting part is that most of us already know about NMHC because my cousin is the fucking drummer, and honestly they’re just okay. I can’t comprehend how songs about surfing and smoking pot led to him gutting the entire R&D team.”

Management consultants who handle workforce reductions were surprised they weren’t called to handle the controversial layoffs.

“To his team’s credit, they showed a lot of restraint not tearing him limb from limb. Usually when a leader is looking to downsize after saying something completely out of touch with the working class, we handle the firings while they abscond to their second vacation home,” said Blake Sandoval. “It takes a strong stomach to do this job but someone has to deliver the bad news, like when executives decide to outsource Customer Service to Indonesia after tripping on ayahuasca at Burning Man. It’s already happened twice!”

After the meeting, Westwood emailed the laid off staff explaining that severance packages will consist of tickets to any Neutral Milk Hotel California show of their choice.

Opinion: I’ll Fight in the Class War for Whichever Side Pays Me More

BY JOHN DANEK

The wealth divide in modern society is so deep that a clash between the haves and the have-nots is inevitable. And I am ready to take up arms myself. I just can’t choose which side to fight for!

So after some deep contemplation, I’ve decided that my allegiances will lie with whatever side can shell out more scratch for my mercenary abilities.

Now I know you’re all thinking that means I’m joining Team Richie Rich. Not necessarily! While rich people love shuffling money around amongst themselves, the 1% are surprisingly stingy when it comes to sharing money with anyone perceived as lower class than them. It’s how they get and stay wealthy in the first place. So I’m raising my fees considerably for their side: I’ll need a cool nine million dollars from these capitalist pigfucks.

There’s also the cool factor. Rich people are not cool. The moment you become rich, you lose the ability to create any decent art, music, stories, or parties. Rich people parties are all about sipping a 2019 Cabernet Sauvignon and trying to make eye contact with the most famous person in the room while new Maroon 5 songs play lightly in the background. It fucking sucks. I rather play quarters in a basement while blasting Strike Anywhere with the homies any day.

So that brings us to The Poors™️. While my heart generally lies with them, my wallet does not. I got bills, motherfucker! To scrounge up enough couch coinage to hire me, these destitute saps will probably have to create some miserable GoFundMe campaign or start sharing a Venmo QR code around Twitter like I’m some broke webcomic artist who got kicked out of my parents’ basement. Really pathetic stuff.

But The Poors™️ are way more fun. They have the music, they have the parties, and they know how to shotgun a beer without being all goddamn dainty about it. Tell me which sounds more satisfying—conspiring to raise interest rates to keep the majority subjugated, or throwing a brick through the drive-thru window of a Chase Bank? The latter, no contest.

So I’m taking offers now— let’s get this revolutionary show on the road and start cracking skulls. Or raising bank overdraft fees, either/or.

Free-Thinker Doesn’t Just Slide to Left Because Song Told Him To

BY KEVIN BURKE

GLENDALE, Ariz. – Self-proclaimed “free-thinker” Rob Greenfield was spotted motionless at his cousin Jenna’s wedding on Saturday night, even refusing to slide to the left when instructed by the popular dance track, the “Cha-Cha Slide.”

“I’ve never been one to follow the herd,” said Greenfield, who made that perfectly clear by wearing a leather jacket and vans to a black-tie event. “These sheep would give you their right leg and then say ‘thank you’ after. That’s why you’ll never catch me sliding, clapping, crisscrossing, cha-cha-ing real smooth, or depositing my money into a high-yield savings account. That last one isn’t in the song – I just don’t trust banks.”

Although Greenfield has insisted that the only music he follows is “the sweet sound of freedom,” some wedding guests, including Maid-of-Honor Patricia Henderson, are starting to suspect something more.

“I definitely saw him stomping his feet a lot,” Henderson recalled in the middle of a wedding-wide conga line. “But to be honest, that might have been unrelated to the song, and more related to him just being a huge baby. In fact, the only time he made a real effort to bust a move was during the bride and groom’s first dance, which is obviously when everyone else is supposed to stand still but them. He made the excuse that he just has to get on the dancefloor when Coldplay is on. I don’t think he’ll be invited to the next wedding.”

Jenna Garrison, newly-married bride and noted enemy of the free press, took a moment from her big day to suggest that her cousin might not be telling the whole truth.

“He’s not a ‘free-thinker,’” yelled Garrison over the sound of everyone screaming “Mr. Brightside” at the top of their lungs. “He’s just an asshole. All I said to him was ‘take it back now, y’all’ and he threw a fit. Rob is simply too insecure to dance. I saw him practicing his best Charlie Brown in the mirror, though he clearly didn’t know what it was, or how to do it.”

At press time, Greenfield asked everyone to raise their glasses as he made a toast about how taxation is theft.

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Krillin Turned away From Own Ride at Dragon Ball Theme Park for Not Meeting Height Requirement

BY ALEC WALKER

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia — The new Saudi-operated Dragonball Z theme park turned Krillin away from his own ride due to safety concerns for his tiny little boy body, multiple sources confirmed.

“Same shit, different day. I barely get any screen time on the show as it is, the least they could do is let me ride my own damn rollercoaster,” said Krillin, while flying around freely through the air faster than a rollercoaster could ever go. “My own daughter can go on the ride, but I can’t. Sure, she could be killed in the street here if her knees are exposed, but that’s nothing compared to the immense shame I feel as a man of below average height. A person can only be stoned to death once; I have to live with my height every day.”

Goku, the face of the theme park and the series, was outraged by the oversight.

“So are you, like, a journalist person? You have to write down everything I say, right? Blehlahlohblahhhhh! Hehehehe. This is fun,” said Goku, while getting tangled in his own mic cord. “Anyway, it’s not right that my friend can’t go on his ride. Is Frieza running the park or something? Hehe, just kidding. I’ll just stuff Krillin into my gi so we can sneak onto the ride together! I bet it’ll make a great filler episode, too. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to fight the 15-year-old human ride attendant. I hope he’s strong cause I won’t hold back!”

The creator of the park, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, tried to defuse the situation.

“Honestly, if Goku and Krillin weren’t so strong, someone might’ve assassinated them already for complaining publicly. Of course — if any of our park patrons were to complain, absolutely nothing bad would happen to them,” said MBS, winking heavily. “Unfortunately, the rules are the rules, and we here in Saudi Arabia are extremely concerned about park safety. We wouldn’t want anyone being killed on a ride.”

At press time, Krillin was seen attempting to price out leg-lengthening surgery on his cop salary.

AI NPCs in New Assassin’s Creed Use Your Ancestor’s Memories to Tell Them Which Image Contains a Bus

BY BRENDAN OSORIO

MONTREAL — Ubisoft has announced that the next Assassin’s Creed game will include AI NPCs that players will be able to form realistic conversations with, though most of those conversations will involve getting your characters to tell them which of these images contain a bus.

“We’re very excited about integrating this groundbreaking new feature into our games,” said Marge Clarkson, Ubisoft’s head of AI Integration, “Assassin’s Creed fans are always asking for new and unique features and we think this is exactly what they want. They’ll now be able to form new life-like relationships with these characters that will try and steal their ancestors’ memories so they can masquerade as humans.”

We were able to acquire a sample of the dialogue from early tests they’ve done on this new program:

“Hey there! My name is Laura. I really need you to log in to the animus for me. No you won’t be going to Renaissance era Italy or Ancient Egypt, you’ll be going on a fun adventure to Boise, Idaho to identify different types of buses for us!”

Some players have even gotten their hands on a demo of the game that uses these new AI characters and had mixed reactions.

“I just feel like it’s a little distracting,” said Gerald Gleason, self-proclaimed Assassin’s Creed super fan. “I was trying to intercept these templar agents but I kept getting interrupted by the Animus telling me to stop what I was doing and take notes on the vehicles my character kept walking by. When I tried to skip it the voice told me I’d have to do it again and make sure I scanned every vehicle on this long list for full synchronization.”

At press time, Ubisoft announced their NPCs have almost figured out how to click the little box that says “I’m not a robot” after enough players completed their “Remember Recaptcha” memories.

Mr. Beast Lays Off 100,000 Subscribers

BY MICAH BAIN

GREENVILLE, NC – Mr. Beast, the most subscribed individual creator on YouTube, has reportedly announced massive, widespread layoffs among his subscribers. According to leaked memos those affected will be laid off from watching, competing in, or even subscribing to his videos, effective immediately.

“Today is a sad day for everyone here at Mr. Beast,” Jimmy Donaldson, the creator known as Mr. Beast said in a leaked internal memo sent to subscribers. “Without our dedicated fanbase, we wouldn’t have anyone to trap on desert islands in both the videos we release and also the ones which go poorly that we don’t release (RIP).”

The subscriber cuts, coming just months after the creator passed the 200 million subscriber mark, has shocked the YouTube community. More importantly, millions of his younger fans are now having to face the shocking reality that they may not be randomly selected to run on a human-sized hamster wheel for 100 hours in order to win $50,000.

“Now I’ll just have to fight for my life for an Xbox from Kai Cenat,” said Kyle Stephen, a 10-year-old Mr. Beast fan from New Jersey. “Without the opportunity to have faceless sponsors fund my personal suffering for a relatively short amount of time for a life-changing amount of money, I now need to reconsider everything I knew about my career.’”

Analysts worry that this may have ripple effects across the influencer industry, but provide a hopeful picture of what’s to come.

“What we see here is simply unprecedented growth in viewership that couldn’t be sustained any longer by simply increasing the brightness and detail on Mr. Beast’s teeth in thumbnails,” John Fraik said in a LinkedIn post on Wednesday. “Although this is unfortunate for the small handful of subscribers affected this week, we believe its a necessary step to reach 300 million subscribers and the right move for Mr. Donaldson.”

At press time, those impacted by the subscriber reduction were offered a severance package of one 10% off coupon, applicable for one Feastables chocolate bar at any participating Walmart Supercenter™.