Hard Digest March 24: Early Access Karaoke, Work, Polycules, and More

Man Humiliated at Karaoke Bar After Forgetting Lyrics to Daft Punk’s “Around the World”

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Jeff Abrams made a complete ass of himself after blanking on the lyrics to Daft Punk’s “Around the World” during his performance at karaoke, confirmed sources.

“I don’t even like karaoke, but it’s my friend’s birthday so I had to participate, and I thought I picked the easiest song. In my defense there were like four people watching me so maybe stage fright got the best of me, but my mind just went blank as soon as the prompter started. I thought it was stuck on the title screen!” said Abrams. “I was just blurting out anything like ‘across the globe’ and at one point I started doing William Shatner’s version of ‘Rocket Man.’ I don’t know what is worse, that I fucked this up or that I did so for seven straight minutes.”

Abrams’ friends were slowly finding, to their horror, that he was not doing a bit.

“I honestly thought he was messing with us until we all noticed he was sweating profusely and looking like he was having a panic attack. Jeff literally has 144 chances to get right and he’s assembling every other combination of words except the correct ones. We even tried to help him by singing along and he told us to ‘Shut the fuck up’ and threatened to stab us,” said Kelsey Smith. “I have witnessed this man scream indecipherable black metal music effortlessly and here he is now unable to string three words together. I mean we’re never going to let him live this down of course, but right now he needs to fake some technical difficulties because this is painful to watch.”

Bar staff veterans of the karaoke night shift had seen countless bad performances, but none like this.

“The split between bad and good karaoke singers is like 30/70 on a good night. I’d rather see a drunken, off-key, and badly timed performance than whatever this guy is doing. I’ve never seen secondhand embarrassment this bad since the night we watched some dude botch The Exploited’s ‘Sex and Violence,’” said bartender Greg Stacey. “I just hope he stays away from social media for a few days because everyone in the bar is recording this train wreck. Poor bastard is going to be internet famous.”

Abrams’ attempt to redeem himself backfired spectacularly, as he was booed mercilessly offstage after forgetting the lyrics to “Tequila.”

Help! Bragging About Landing This Job Has Run Its Course and Now I Have To Work This Fucking Job!

BY JAY WELLS L'ECUYER

Well, I did it! After weeks of updating my resume, blasting job sites, and interviewing for several positions, I landed the most impressive-sounding job I’ve ever had! But oh, no! The last few likes on my “dream job” post trickled in days ago, and now there’s nothing left to do but work this fucking job! Help!

I used the “dream job” label pretty loosely. It just sounds so perfect for the post. The “fucking told you so” call to my dad was liberating. Texting former coworkers that I’m better than them now was gratifying. But blasting my achievement on social media was just pure bliss! The number of likes on my “new job” post rivaled all my dumb friends’ weddings and firstborn child posts. Those life events don’t even get the added bragging avenue of LinkedIn! With all those likes and comments rolling in, I felt like an influencer.

Welp! The honeymoon’s over, I guess. I milked it for all it’s worth, and now I’m buried in work at my dumb new desk. It’s not even work-from-home! I even tried a follow-up post of me on my first day, but it only got 6 likes cus everyone was probably like, “Yeah man, you fucking told us already.” Unless I just subtly drop it in conversations with strangers, there’s no other way to eke more immediate gratification out of this!

Here’s the thing about finding good work—it’s still work! The worst thing there is! Your job could be eating ice cream all day, it doesn’t matter. The second someone says “Eat this ice cream when we say to or you will be homeless” you won’t want to do it!

Man, getting a new job is like all of my sexual encounters. I climax before the job even starts, and now someone is mad at me because I lied about my past experience. Except, in this case, I really hope they don’t throw me out. My mom would be so pissed. Even as I write this, my boss is just staring daggers at me, expecting something that I have no idea how to do. Like, who can conjure up 3 Disney memes in one day?! No one. I had one about the sexual tension between that human woman and a bee, but “Bee Movie” was Dreamworks!

I gotta get out of here. It’s for the best. I’ll get to live at my mom’s a bit longer (which will delay her new boyfriend from moving in), and I can really focus on drafting a new “new job” post!

Child of Broken Up Polycule Looking Forward to Six Birthdays and Christmases

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Eight-year-old Chase Gibson was optimistic after the dissolution of the polycule that had raised him since birth after realizing he will get to celebrate six birthdays and Christmases a year, friends of the group have confirmed.

“I know I should be more upset about my family splitting up into three times as many pieces as normal divorced families but this could be for the best, specifically in the gift department. I was fortunate to have been raised by an overly supportive network of horny adults who don’t believe in monogamy, and since they all took turns driving me to soccer practice it’s basically guaranteed I’ll get six individual birthday parties and ‘visits from Santa,’” said Gibson. “Frankly it’s the least they can do after raising me in a living situation not unlike a hostel. If I play my cards right, I can ask them all for different PC components and build a kickass gaming computer.”

One of Chase’s mothers was determined to ensure he was loved and supported after the splits.

“I know it wasn’t easy growing up in a very non-traditional household, but Chase understands that it’s possible to love more than one person at once. But sometimes moms, dads, boyfriends, and their boyfriend’s friend with benefits grow apart when they can’t decide whose name is supposed to be on the gas bill. He shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of adult problems,” said Shelly Gibson. “We all want to reassure him that he is loved, but working out six different holiday rotations has been rough considering we all shared a single car.”

While decoupling is common, family therapists saw the child’s situation more difficult to navigate.

“Blended families provide wonderfully nurturing environments for children, though this is the first time I’ve heard of four men and two women raising a single kid. It’s admirable they want to remain in his life but let’s be real, any kid looking at the prospect of half a dozen gift-related celebrations will probably milk this for all it’s worth,” said psychologist Mary Holtz. “It’s important that they also focus on showing him the importance of quality time and words of assurance, otherwise there’s potential for Chase to manipulate this into a present-based pyramid scheme.”

As of press time, the number of the boy’s potential presents skyrocketed after one of his parent’s exes converted to Judaism, noting they’ll celebrate all eight nights of Hanukkah.

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Man Plays Switch Under Covers After Bedtime so Child Won’t Catch Him

BY KYLE DUGGAN

SEATTLE — Local dad Kenneth Morris stayed up late playing video games without alerting his eight-year-old son by hiding under his bedsheets, sources confirm.

“I gotta be really sneaky to get away with this,” said Morris. “If my son knows I’m on the Switch, then he’s gonna want to play, and I won’t get any time to myself. So, while he’s brushing his teeth, I hide the Switch in my nightstand. Then, after it’s officially lights-out time, I stand outside his room and whisper his name to make sure he’s really asleep before I start to play. I turn the volume way down so he won’t hear, but you can’t be too safe. Sometimes I hit the buttons too loud and then I have to freeze and listen to make sure he’s not coming down the hall.”

Morris’s son Jesse was quick to clarify that he was aware of his father’s late-night gaming habit.

“Of course I know he brings the Switch to bed,” said the younger Morris. “You think I don’t notice that it’s mysteriously absent from the dock in the morning? Plus, I’m the primary account on the Switch Online family plan. I can see all of his activity. The thing is, as a kid, you’ve got to learn to pick your battles. By letting him get away with something small like this, I help him to build his confidence and independence. If it starts to affect his performance at work, then we’ll sit down to talk about it. Until then, he can think he’s slick.”

Others in the household were less happy with Morris’s nocturnal hobby.

“It’s bad enough that I have to share a room with him,” said Hannah, Morris’s wife. “He’s always leaving his dirty laundry in a pile on the floor and he never makes the bed. Now he’s keeping me up making a little tent out of the comforter so he can play his damn games. I asked him nicely to stop, but he said that if I’m going to stay up reading my Kindle, he can do whatever he wants on his side of the bed. Then I threatened to tell Jesse, but Ken called me a snitch. I’m seriously thinking about moving into my She Shed.”

At press time, Morris expressed excitement for an upcoming weeklong trip to visit his son’s grandparents, because they let him stay up as late as he wants.