Hard Digest March 23: Early Access Goth Shoes, Sex, Mid-Life Crisis, Trump, and More

Goth Woman Uses Incognito Mode to Shop for Sensible Shoes

BY ARIELLE ANDREANO

SEATTLE – An integral member of the local goth scene caused an uproar when it was discovered she was using the Incognito Mode on her browser to shop for sensible shoes, concerned friends report.

“I went on her computer to check a ticket presale and I saw it: she was on private but she hadn’t logged out of the Clarks page. What I saw will be burned into my brain forever,” said former friend Amethyst Willow Sanderson. “I remember because it was a white, chunky sandal with arch support and a memory foam footbed. It looked like a bed for your feet. There were no buckles, no giant heels, they weren’t even leather. I just hope that she was shopping for one of her aunts or something, because this is unforgivable. ”

Sarah Mathis, the goth in question, reports that there is immense pressure in the community to dress a certain way, despite one’s feet aging along with the rest of them.

“I’ve realized a change in myself lately. I want to be, I don’t know, comfortable? I didn’t want to admit it to my friends. I really didn’t want to admit it to myself. And I would sooner die than admit it to whoever is responsible for the next Google data breach,” said the 35-year-old. “I mean I’m not 20 anymore. I have plantar fasciitis so bad that my doctor actually told me amputation could be a good option. My lack of proper footwear has led to imbalances in my hips, back, and knees. Plus, I have like 3 different kinds of fungus. One of them they’d never even seen before. It’s named after me now.”

Doctor Katie Soppet, the top Podiatrist in Washington State, shed some light on issues affecting goths with feet.

“Yeah, all the goths I deal with have Trench Foot. We haven’t seen an epidemic this bad since World War I, but what do you expect when you wear combat boots all day every day in a place that never stops raining? Sometimes I feel like I haven’t seen a dry foot since the ‘70s,” said Dr. Soppet. “I don’t expect them to go cold turkey, no. But it might be a good idea to go barefoot at home on Sundays when no one is there. Or even experiment with a loafer. I’m sure they make them in black.”

At press time, Mathis reported she was shopping for a blonde wig, facial prosthetics, and a sundress in order to walk barefoot on the beach for the first time since she was a teenager.

Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll: I Just Jerked Off, Took My Prozac, and Listened to the Glee Cover of “Dream On”

BY MALIA SIMON

The ‘70s are back, baby, and they’re right here in my 250-square-foot apartment. I’m reliving the debauchery of the decade by masturbating to completion, taking my doctor-prescribed dosage of antidepressants, and listening to the “Glee” cover of “Dream On,” arguably the best track on the perfectly good “Glee Collection” vinyl that my upstairs neighbor was throwing away for some reason.

I’ve always said I was born in the wrong generation, and everything about this Tuesday night takes me back to the golden age of the sexual revolution when being sweaty and horny was in and it was badass to have zero control over your sexual impulses. Now picture this: if you think having orgies and threesomes in a club are rock ‘n roll, imagine having a one-some in your own home with your hand and an improvised Fleshlight made of out a Nalgene bottle and old sponges. It’s really the ultimate act of rebellion for the modern individualist if you think about it. Don’t believe me? Then why do I feel a nearly insurmountable wave of guilt and shame after finishing? And why do I immediately reach for my drugs on the nightstand?

And yes, by drugs I mean the antidepressants I have been medically prescribed in order to be baseline functional—the ‘Zac, or as some have called it, “the feeling man’s cocaine.” Call me a product of my time, but there is no drug that makes me rock out more than one that keeps me from walking into traffic every morning. LSD and molly are nice for the young buck, but these days I get down to feeling bare-minimum okay inside. As I’ve always said, what better way to party like you don’t give a fuck than actually chemically stabilizing your mood?

Finally, for the music. Tonight I have once again chosen to relive the iconic moment in rock ‘n roll history of the Neil Patrick Harris and Matthew Morrison “Dream On” duet from Season 1 Episode 19 of “Glee.” Sure, I could put on The Stones or Hendrix like a normie, but personally I can relate to music more when there is a backstory about the highs and lows of high school drama club. Being rock ‘n roll is all about being yourself, which also happens to be the exact takeaway message of “Glee.” See, while some are chasing down the sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll era, others of us have never stopped living it. As Matthew Morrison beautifully belts in his verse: “You got to lose to know how to win.”

Study Finds More Americans Taking on Second or Third Mid-Life Crises

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

WASHINGTON — A recent study conducted by the Census Bureau revealed that the majority of Millennial Americans are forced to take on a second or third midlife crisis just by existing in the United States, multiple sources have confirmed.

“After extensive research, our data has shown the number of citizens experiencing existential crises has not only doubled in the last 20 years, but that many are juggling two or three of them at once. It’s approximately one crisis for every job worked or child reared,” said Bureau researcher Morgan Chase. “Thirty years ago one could suffer suburban malaise and wonder if they did anything meaningful with their lives on a single dead-end job. Now Millennials are quickly becoming the new ‘olds’ with little to show for it, so millions of people are on the verge of dying their hair and moving to a different country within a week.”

Those who participated in the research were well aware they were disassociating much more than previous generations.

“I was barely holding it together after this 19-year-old barista referred to me as ma’am, but then I got my student loan bill and 20-year high school graduation invite on the same day. I cannot handle having so much time behind me while I’m still yet to find a rewarding career, which means if I’m going to recapture the feeling of being young and carefree I’m going to have to take up even more hobbies to distract myself,” said Taylor Clemmons, age 36. “I can’t physically take one more video of a Gen Z kid confused by how landline phones work. I’m already training for a triathlon and wall climbing to feel young again. I don’t think my knees can handle having to face my own mortality much longer.”

Psychologists helping patients through the multitude of crises expressed worry that the issue may compound over time.

“Handling a patient’s midlife crisis used to be easy, like they went out and bought a muscle car without consulting their wives or whatever. But let’s face it, after 2020, everyone’s anxieties started running wild once it appeared civilization was in the endgame,’ said Dr. Richard Brown. “I’ve had at least several guys in here blow their kids’ college funds buying Stratocasters and converting their garages into bars, just to realize they can’t play or handle their booze anymore. It’s a vicious downward spiral.”

The study also warned that a substantial number of Americans are just one soul-searching dilemma away from asking their spouses for an open marriage.

That’s Really All It Took?! We Got This Guy To Stop Supporting Trump by Mocking Him With a Fake Whip Noise

BY STEPHEN BELL

Trump supporters are notorious for their undying loyalty to their creamsicle god. The idea that Trump could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and not lose any votes seems so real. That’s why it was so shocking to us when we got this guy to stop supporting Trump just by making that fake whip noise you use when you make fun of your buddy for being whipped. Like how the hell did this work?

We got into a conversation with this guy we’ll refer to as ‘Jeff’ on account of that being his name. He was ranting about some inane border conspiracy and how Trump was the only one who could save us from trans-hamas-socialist-fascist-satanic illegals crossing the border. I told him his devotion to Trump showed how whipped he really was and started going “fwi-tch” while snapping my wrist. Every time he tried to speak I would call him whipped and do it again. To my shock, he finally said he’s going to prove me wrong and not vote for Trump anymore!

Like when I first started doing it he got mad and said he was going to beat my ass. I told him he could try but he couldn’t beat me any harder than Trump already whips his ass before snapping my wrist a few more times and this caused Jeff to turn redder than his hat.

He went into this long diatribe about how much Biden sucks and tried to say that Biden had my ass whipped. The problem was that all I did was agree with him every time he said Biden sucks. That certainly made some wires come loose because he couldn’t understand that I don’t have the same undying devotion to Biden that he does to his non-safe word word-respecting dominatrix daddy T.

I finally told him he wasn’t his own man anymore and that his ass should get branded with the Trump logo already because it’s clearly Donald’s property. Like if someone wanted Trump steaks they don’t have to go to the Sharper Image anymore because they could just get some of Jeff’s ass because it’s clearly Trump’s property. That was the final straw apparently.

Anyway I don’t know who Jeff is going to vote for now but he swears he’s not going to vote for Trump anymore. I don’t know maybe I can get him to not vote for Ted Cruz next by saying I can’t hear him because his mouth is too full of Ted’s cock. The possibilities are endless!

God Announces Easter Weekend Double XP for all Churchgoers

BY GARY KERLS

HEAVEN – In a desperate plea to get gamers into pews, the Almighty Father has announced double XP for all churchgoers this upcoming Easter weekend.

“I’ve teamed up with priests and bishops across the world to bring this exclusive event to a chapel near you!” God bellowed as a beam of sunshine through a cloudy sky.

After failing to entice gamers with the Ash Wednesday/Pokemon collaboration, the catholic church seems to be pivoting. 50% off Gbucks, 25% off the entire store, and double XP all weekend, headlining the religion’s celebration of Jesus Christ’s resurrection.

“This might be the biggest sale Catholicism has ever seen,” says Father Robert Ducca from Detroit. “Parishioners can redeem the Body of Christ during every service for double Jesus points, which can be used to buy Legendary Rosary Skins, Hail Mary Lootboxes, or the ultra rare Our Father Fast Pass!”

Even Atheist gamers are intrigued by the Moses level value at Judas level prices, while longtime believers feel God’s latest announcement turned ‘pray to win’ into ‘pay to win.’

“I was never much of a church guy,” says local gamer, Anthony Wright, “but that Pope Benedict XVI skin in the shop looks dope as heaven!”

Longtime churchgoer Loretta Montgomery is disappointed by her local church’s involvement in the event, “I don’t recognize the parish I grew up in. Just last week our priest took an ad break in the middle of his homily to talk about NordVPN. And now he expects us to say ‘gg’ instead of ‘Amen’? Lord have mercy.”

While God was happy to explain all the new microtransactions being introduced, he failed to answer other questions like “When is the second coming of Christ?” or “What is the meaning of life?” or “When will we finally resume our holy crusade to cleanse the world of those who would speak against you and spread our one true religion to the nonbelievers?”

At press time, worshipers who purchase the exclusive Diamond-Tier Legacy Battle Pass will receive guaranteed entrance through the gateway of Heaven.