thehardtimes

Hard Digest March 22: Early Acces Neil Young Returns to Spotify, Ben Shapiro, and More

Added 2024-03-23 00:00:06 +0000 UTC

Neil Young Returns to Spotify After Realizing He Needs a Few Quarters to Feed Parking Meter

LOS ANGELES — Legendary musician Neil Young begrudgingly returned to Spotify after two years when he was short on loose change to feed a parking meter, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“My accountants told me that removing my catalog from the platform for the past two years deprived me of about $38 and I felt that hit earlier today when I tore my SUV apart looking for change to pay for parking so I could run into a coffee shop,” said Young. “I always opted to have my royalties paid in cash. So at the end of every quarter I would get a baggie from Spotify with a crumpled-up dollar bill and an assortment of change that I always kept in my cupholder. It will be nice to have that revenue stream back so I don’t have to worry about this again.”

Young’s financial advisor was instrumental in convincing the Canadian-born musician to put his music back on Spotify.

“Neil has gotten two $60 parking tickets over the past 30 days that could have been avoided if he had his Spotify money. My calculations show that he’s going to have to keep his music on the platform for another 140 years to make up the cost of those tickets,” said Robert Mendez CPA. “This doesn’t even take into account all the times Neil has been stuck at a red light and a homeless person asks for change. Neil is typically a generous man so he would normally toss some money their way, but now he has nothing to give. He’s forced to awkwardly roll up his window and avoid eye contact.”

Spotify CEO Daniel Ek says Young is just one example of the millions of artists Spotify supports.

“I get messages all the time from musicians thanking me for providing them with a platform to spread their music and get paid. I got an email from Calvin Harris thanking me because his Spotify payments allowed him to do nearly all his laundry at a coin-operated laundromat,” said Ek. “And Billie Eilish posted a video of herself using one of those coin funnels at the mall and she was having the time of her life. Without Spotify she would never have had loose change just sitting around. Seeing her smile as the coin was spinning really fast towards the bottom of the funnel makes all of this worth it.”

At press time, Young announced he would be spending a portion of his first royalty payment on a temporary skull tattoo from a vending machine near the entrance of his local supermarket.

We Revisit The Bloodhound Gang Because Our Best Friend From 7th Grade is in Town and We Have Literally Nothing in Common Anymore

BY MIMI KENNY

We all remember The Bloodhound Gang, right? I mean, maybe not all of us. But if you’re like, between the ages of 30 and 40 there’s a good chance that “The Bad Touch” means more to you than “The Star-Spangled Banner” ever could. Well, we recently revisited these comedy rap rock mischief makers, mainly due to the fact that we had gotten back in touch with our best friend from 7th grade, Tanner, and it seems we don’t have much else in common anymore.

We hadn’t seen Tanner since 2001, when his family had to move after he got expelled for pissing into a hand dryer that the Principal used like two minutes later. The guy was covered in piss. But yeah, it’s been a while since we’ve talked with Tanner. We think we might’ve been MySpace friends? But he said he was visiting for something called “SchlongCon.” We didn’t ask but we figured it’d be good to catch up and reminisce.

Well, it took about 10 minutes of catching up and reminiscing to realize that arguably the only thing Tanner and us have in common anymore is the music of the Bloodhound Gang!

Tanner told us about his job and pretty soon it became apparent that he got roped into a pyramid scheme involving herbal enhancement supplements. We did our best to change the subject by bringing up other friends we had back in the day. But there wasn’t much to say because most of them OD’d and talking about them made us both really sad. Right then he tried to bring up a YouTube of this guy he described as “Jordan Peterson but even better,” we mentioned all the hours we spent listening to the Bloodhound Gang. And before we knew it, we were in Tanner’s ‘01 Camry, listening to “Hooray for Boobies” on his seven-disc changer.

Originally, we thought we’d just listen to “The Bad Touch,” but Tanner said there were so many other “hilarious” songs. Well, there are like, 20 songs on that album. And some of them are kinda funny, yeah. Or like, more accurately, there are a few scattered lines that made us chuckle from pure immature nostalgia. Then there’s a whole lot that just lands as shock humor that feels like it wasn’t supposed to be heard past 1999.

But Tanner not only finds every lyric of every song laugh-out-loud funny, from “I hope your cellmate thinks he’s God. But C.N.N. refer to him as ‘Bowling Ball Bag Bob’” to “Got shot down like Larry Flynt. Felt like shit like a bowel movement.” There were also a whole lot of times when he just shook his head and said “You couldn’t get away with that nowadays.”

We got out of there before he had the chance to show us a song from their last album, apparently entitled “American Bitches.” But we did learn an important lesson: both Tanner and the Bloodhound Gang are things better left to our middle school memories.

“The Bad Touch” still slaps, though.

Ben Shapiro Claims Palestinian Children Keep Dying on Purpose to Get out of Debating Him About Definition of Genocide

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Right-wing media pundit Ben Shapiro continued his attacks against the people of Palestine by claiming children in Gaza are dying on purpose to avoid debating him in public about what constitutes genocide, sources confirmed.

“I’ve extended an open invitation to anyone between the ages of four and twelve, who can actually speak English, to debate me on the topic. But so far not a single one of them is brave enough to step up to the microphone to condemn Hamas, admit Israel is just defending itself, and admit once and for all that this is not a genocide,” said Shapiro as Palestine creeps closer to famine. “I see these numbers that 100 kids a day are dying and I’m left to think they are doing it to themselves so I don’t embarrass them in front of millions of viewers. It’s sad, I’m giving these kids a chance to tell their side of the story but they choose to starve themselves and run underneath Israeli peace-keeping missiles.”

Nine-year-old Fatima Mousa is one of the many children forced to leave their homes due to Israel’s aggression.

“They told us to move South, and when we did they bombed our camp. My father went to try to get us food and never returned. I used to cry myself to sleep, but now I feel nothing. All I see is suffering,” said Mousa from a makeshift tent. “I was made aware of Mr. Shapiro’s invitation, I tried accepting it but his producers said I would need to immigrate to America legally before they would talk to me. I would be an adult by the time that process was finished, but I know I’ll be dead before then anyway. We are all going to die, and nobody seems to care.”

Multiple activists remain outraged by Shapiro’s claims about Palestinian children.

“I’ve tried many times to get Ben to have an open discourse about Israel’s extermination of Palestinians, but every time I reach out his people send me the YouTube link to that terrible rap song he did. When I try to follow up they call me a ‘Woke Libtard,’” said community organizer Teisha Linscomb. “ It’s clear Ben doesn’t actually want to debate anyone, he just wants to use his pseudo-intellectual schtick to convince the dumbest people you went to high school with to believe the crap he talks about.”

At press time, Shapiro announced he would be watching the 2023 film “Barbie” for the 40th time to look for clues tying the movie to Hamas.

Help! I’m at My Grandpa’s Funeral and My Psychobilly Cousin Is Trying To Play His Coffin Like It’s a Bass

BY RYAN DONDERO

Someone has got to stop him. He keeps doing it and it’s not funny. It wasn’t funny the first time and it’s not funny now, after the fifth time.

We’re here to pay our respects to Grandpa Mac who died tragically last Saturday after getting hit by a loose shopping cart in a Vons parking lot. He was a great man and my psychobilly cousin, Mike, is being obscenely disrespectful by going up to his open casket and pretending to play it like it’s a bass. It’s especially fucked up since it was Grandpa Mac who first paid for his bass lessons in middle school.

Honestly, if he does it again, someone has to stop him. I can’t do it because the last time he and I got in a physical altercation, he poked me with a switchblade. It was one of those switchblade combs but still…it really, really hurt.

This family has done so much for him. We all supported Mike when he changed his name to “V. Carnal II.” We all told him his pompadour “looked great” even though we all thought it looked dumb. And the whole family went to go see his band, the Lonesome Cemetery Maniacs, when they played their first show. All that love and still he’s still behaving like a fucking shithead.

I seriously wish I could say this was the first time he’s done this. He’s pretended the casket is a bass at every single family funeral for the last five years. He did it at Grandma Edna’s, at cousin Mark’s, and he even did it at his own twin brother’s. My Aunt Deb says Mike does it because he doesn’t know how to process his grief and that he’s been working on dealing with his pain productively in therapy. Personally? I think that’s bullshit. I think he’s doing it because it fits his stupid psychobilly “brand” and he thinks it’s funny.

If he won’t listen to his family members, maybe he’ll listen to his girlfriend, Rita D. Ghoul. Someone should talk to her! I can’t do it because the last time she and I had a disagreement she tried to choke me with the red kerchief she was wearing around her neck. She’s really strong!

Welp…there he goes again, for the sixth time. Someone. Please. Help!

Not Aging Well: 10 Episodes of “Friends” Where the Gang Created COVID-19 as a Prank

Ability to Review Dragon’s Dogma 2 Now Hidden Behind Micro-Transactions

BY ROB BAILEY

After being bombarded with negative reviews, Capcom shocked gamers today by locking reviews for Dragon’s Dogma 2 behind a set of micro-transactions, sources confirmed.

“Unfortunately the average gamer refuses to think of the shareholders when they absolutely hog-blast our games in their reviews,” said Kenzo Tsujimoto, Capcom’s CEO. “And it’s our duty to focus on the long-term fiscal health of the company, regardless of their puny feelings. So we’ve decided to implement this new feature to offset the impact of these baseless claims on our bottom line.”

The move is being met with disapproval among the fanbase, who expect the bludgeoning of a company’s reputation to forever come gratis.

“First it was pay to play, then it was pay to win, now it’s pay to hate? What’s next!?” exclaimed frustrated gamer Rusty Wilkinson. “This B.S. move by Capcom is anti-first amendment and anti-ownership. If I buy a game, I also buy the right to shit on it. Telling a company they’ve gone and messed with the wrong guy, and you’ll never, NEVER buy a game of theirs again, is something that’s my right to say as a god-fearing American.”

Other gamers took Capcom’s side, perhaps blinded by an upbringing in a world where micro-transactions have become normalized. We reached out to Kelsey Fletcher, a self-proclaimed Capcom fan girl.

“Capcom simply wants to ensure that the people leaving a review are passionate about leaving a review,” said Fletcher. “You can easily earn your review by just playing a few hours of the game anyway. You get it in the second town. Takes a few hours. Only suckers actually pay for it.”

We reached out to Capcom at press time for further comment but they asked for an extra $4.99 in “Capcom Crystals” for a response.

The Sims Movie to Be Classified as Foreign Language Film

BY MATT FRESH

LOS ANGELES — LuckyChap and EA announced that The Sims movie is set to be classified as a foreign language film thanks to plans for all of the dialogue to be in Simlish.

Producer Margot Robbie explained the reasoning behind the decision.

“We want to be completely authentic to the series, not just for the fans but also for artistic integrity. If you’re going to change such a vital element then you might as well make something else,” said Robbie. “We’re going to make sure the whole cast can speak fluent Simlish. We’re currently in the process of looking for experts in the language, which — admittedly, is proving tough — because a lot of them are not willing to leave their basements.”

“Video game films generally don’t get much respect from film critics and awards bodies, but the foreign language classification means they’ll have to take it seriously. The Academy barely watches anything in the foreign category so we’re a shoo-in to get a nomination by default. They’ll just give it to us assuming we’re serious.”

Director Kate Herron says the foreign language classification is what drew her to the project.

“I’m just coming off of directing Loki, so I was really trepidatious about signing on to do a video game-themed movie. I can’t go from one unserious project to another — but once they told me the actors would be speaking Simlish, I was in. I knew that having the film in any language other than English would ensure it is taken seriously by the Hollywood elite.”

Kyle Scott, a Sims enthusiast, had mixed feelings about the news.

“I’m really excited that they’re making a Sims movie, and the fact that they’re respecting the games by having them in Simlish is awesome,” Scott said. “But I don’t really watch movies that aren’t in English. I’m not one of those film snobs who loves reading subtitles so I can feel superior to everyone. Besides, who wants to read while they’re trying to watch a movie?”

At press time, nerd-centric podcasts have begun deeming the film as pretentious.

Apple Refuses to Respond to DOJ Lawsuit After Seeing Entire Thing Printed Inside Green Bubble

BY JOHNNY AMIZICH

The antitrust lawsuit filed by the U.S. Department of Justice has been ignored by Apple due to the entirety of the suit being printed inside of a green text bubble.

Brenda Anderson, legal counsel for Apple, commented on the lawsuit.

“This lawsuit is just another in a long list of slights against my client. The only thing they are guilty of is providing a magical and revolutionary experience for their customers,” Anderson said. “Add to that the fact that this entire farce of a lawsuit was printed inside of a disgusting green text bubble, and it becomes all too apparent this is blatant overreach by the federal government. Apple will go through the claims alleged against them when the DOJ decides to serve them in a less offensive manner. Preferably in a pleasant blue bubble.”

A DOJ spokesperson shared comments at a press briefing after it was apparent Apple had no intention of responding until the text bubble was changed.

“The ‘Walled Garden’ Apple has built around themselves is just another example of Big Tech abusing the power they’ve been given by consumers. Consumers they are causing active harm to, and it simply won’t stand. Can you imagine if the U.S. Government was ignoring or making excuses for an ally that was actively engaged in some sort of campaign that was doing unspeakable harm to innocent civilians? I think not.” The spokesperson said.

Tim Cook, Apple CEO, claims this lawsuit has no merit, despite having not read it.

“At Apple, we’re focused on delivering the best products ever made to our customers, even if it means creating a worse user experience for everyone. It’s why we courageously removed the headphone jack from the iPhone, it’s why we valiantly make our products impossible to repair, and it’s why we simply ignore anything sent to us inside of a green bubble,” Cook said. When asked what the DOJ needed to do in order for Apple to receive the message Cook said, “You should buy the DOJ an iPhone.”

At press time Apple had offered to FacTime the DOJ to further discuss things, unfortunately they only have Google Meet

The Sims Movie Projected to Earn 2 Billion Dollars at Box Office Thanks to Motherlode Cheat

BY CEDRIC BELL

LOS ANGELES — Even though it hasn’t started filming yet The Sims movie is projected to earn 2 billion at the box office as LuckyChap Entertainment confirmed they will be using the ‘motherlode’ cheat.

Margot Robbie explained the use of the cheat as part of the production.

“Making a movie profitable is hard. Actors, sets, time, all of these things eat into the budget and need to be counterbalanced by ticket sales to make a movie successful,” said Robbie. “But while we were discussing a possible budget, we found out we could just hold control, shift, and c on the design document to open the cheat menu. From there all we had to do was type ‘motherlode’ to generate 50,000$ in ticket sales. Take that, James Cameron”

To reach these record-breaking sales figures, however, the production leads had to sacrifice some creativity.

“Making two billion dollars in fifty thousand dollar increments is a time-consuming process so much so that we’ve had the writers inputting the code over and over again rather than writing an actual script. Writing things like ‘freebee jay’ and ‘boobasnoot’ over and over again is what writers are for anyway,” said Robbie

When asked at what point they intended to stop, LuckyChap Financial Officer Sally Condor didn’t have a clear answer.

“I don’t know. Once we beat Avatar I guess? We need to make sure we have enough capital to build the set and make the family look just right.” So far they have input the code 40,000 times, a process which has taken weeks. We still haven’t found the time to get a ladder for the pool, who knows if we will at this point? We’ll probably just use green screen and CGI to make the house and customize the characters.”

At press time, sources report that none of the increased funds will go to the overworked VFX crew.