thehardtimes

Hard Digest March 21: Early Access Rick Rubin, Infinite Jest, Garage Bands, and More

Added 2024-03-22 00:00:06 +0000 UTC

The Next Rick Rubin? I Have No Technical Skills or Musical Ability and Would Like To Produce Your Album

So a lot of people are talking about me, about how I cracked the code to their album, how I unleashed the songs imprisoned inside them, how I’m the unseen voice of the culture. Who is saying that? A lot of people.

Do I have any technical skills? I guess that depends on how you define “technical.” And “skills.” You mean producing skills? I can say that I have many, many skills. But if you’re looking for technical knowledge of mixing boards, and tones, and tracking then, no. My skills exist on a higher plane of abstract consciousness.

Let me explain. I was sitting in my house in Malibu listening to the sea, meditating and I could hear the waves crash and I thought, that’s a lot like music? Right? Do you understand what I’m saying? Are you on this wavelength? You’re not? Well I could get you there.

You want technical skills? I have the technical skill of never wearing shoes in places where people think “That guy should be wearing shoes” and still receiving service. Because of my aura. People see me in shorts, with a long beard and no shoes, and they don’t ask me to leave, because I pull it off. And not in a “don’t engage, that guy’s on meth” kind of way, but a “spiritual leader kind of way. They see me and they “that man knows art.” Is that a skill? Well, it’s more like something that can’t be taught. Something more than a skill.

But do I play instruments? No. Unless you count the instrument of voice. Singing? No. Rapping? No. I mean the power of voice. What I lack in musical ability I make up for by having a voice that’s both soothing and commanding, like I’m instructing an advanced yoga class and you’re not low enough in Warrior 2. When I say something people listen. Because I do so with supreme confidence and a lack of humor.

What sets me apart is my superior sense of taste. I have a profound sense of what I like, and what I don’t like. People go through this world thinking they like something when really, they need someone like me to tell them what they like. I know, better than anyone else, what is good. You ever see a piece of art and think ‘This is dog shit?” I do that, better than anyone else.

Now, what I’m offering you today is something really special. If you sign with my label today you’re getting in on the ground level of this thing. Full access to my world, my brain, my opinions. I even have a house with a nickname. It’s called “El Dorado” because we’re going to make nothing but gold there. So once you sign, you can start recording, and then even become a producer of your own. If you sign two more artists under you, you’ll unlock special privileges and perks. Then they’ll start signing, and it’ll all kick back up to you. Pretty soon, you too can be a mega-producer guru like me.

Man Pretending to Read “Gravity’s Rainbow” Envious of Man Pretending to Read “Infinite Jest”

BY NATHAN KAMAL

CHICAGO — Local man and ostentatious snob William Huller was struck with an intense wave of envy as he pretended to read ‘Gravity’s Rainbow” in a local cafe after spotting another man pretending to read “Infinite Jest” nearby, exasperated sources report.

“Goddammit,” said Huller, his hands trembling on his copy of Thomas Pynchon’s 1973 masterwork. “Look at that guy. He’s flipping those pages with such casual yet deliberate motions that you can just feel how hard he’s making it look like he’s actually reading ‘Infinite Jest.’ I thought I was pretty hot shit, showing off the cover of this book so the cute goth barista will think I’m interesting and preparing myself to explain the plot as described on Wikipedia to anyone who looks at me, but I’m trash compared to him. I’ve never felt so emasculated in my life.”

“Jesus,” Huller added, his face drained of all color. “He just made a note in the margins. That’s so fucking cool.”

Salem Pokorny, the barista on shift, noticed the change in Huller’s demeanor despite actively trying not to catch his eye.

“That dude is constantly bringing thick-ass dead white guy books in here,” said Pokorny. “Acting like he’s reading them, chuckling loudly to himself, looking up and gazing out the window so it looks like he’s in deep thought. He fucking sucks and barely tips. But he went white as a sheet when this other asshole whipped an even thicker book out, and now he’s barely even trying to pretend. Still, it’s nice to have his dead-eyed stare on something other than my cleavage.”

Dr. Patrica Stone, a psychologist specializing in the study of toxic masculinity, had thoughts on the dynamic between the two very sad, boring men.

“In the absence of traditional forms of male competitiveness, like trying to seduce the same disinterested woman or beach volleyball, men have created new rituals to prove themselves,” said Dr. Stone. “In particular, pathetic men have to show their terrible, awful lack of value by peacocking pseudo-intellectualism in public, only to be outdone by the figuratively more elaborate plumage of an even bigger asshole. Also, ‘Infinite Jest’ is so goddamn boring.”

Further sources report that Huller had rushed out of the cafe in a panic after seeing the other man pull out a fedora and place it jauntily on his head.

Garage Band Forced to Break Up After Parents Buy Second Car

BY ERNIE DIXON

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local garage band The Scrapes were forced to break up earlier this week after the parents of lead guitarist Shelly Collins purchased a second car, confirmed upset band members.

“We always had plenty of room to play even though we were set up beside my dad’s Honda Accord. Now that they bought that new car, we just don’t have any space at all,” said Collins while trying to move an amp without bumping into the new car. “We were probably just weeks away from maybe learning how to actually play and now I don’t know what we are going to do. I tried asking my parents to keep one of the cars out in the driveway, but my mom just kind of stared off into space while my dad talked about the effect direct sunlight has on trade-in values for a half-hour.”

Patrick Collins, Shelly’s father, seemed surprised that his daughter was in a band and wasn’t aware that his new purchase was causing an issue.

“I mean I would hear noises coming from out there when Shelly had her friends over, but I thought maybe they were just playing video games or grinding sheet metal or something,” said Mr. Collins. “She did mention needing a space to practice but I thought she was talking about her SATs. I can tell she’s upset but I’m sure she will feel much better once she really checks out our new Kia Sorento. The gas mileage on this thing is incredible! Not to mention all the storage space in the back. Grocery shopping has never been easier.”

Music Historian Basil Cane says that new car sales have had a devastating impact on the garage band industry.

“Used to you would be able to hear bands playing all over as you made your way through the suburbs,” said Cane. “Now, with the rise in multiple car households, garage band practice space has dropped nearly 97% over the last 15 years. What if Ray and Dave Davies’ parents had decided to keep another car in the garage and ended The Kinks before they even started? If my parents hadn’t bought that damn Volvo, perhaps the band I started with my friend Geck would be in the big time now.”

The Scrapes reportedly have located new band space in their drummer’s garage, but they can only play when his older brother isn’t lifting weights or has a girl over.

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Sweet Baby Inc Detected in Marvel 1943 as Captain America Forced to Fight Nazis

BY MATT FRESH

MONTREAL — Sources have confirmed that Sweet Baby Inc., the video game consultancy firm known for forcing wokeness into video games, has been detected in the recently announced Marvel 1943: Rise of Hydra as the story trailer indicates Captain America will be fighting Nazis.

True gamers like Waylan Creasy were immediately able to pick up on Sweet Baby Inc. having tampered with the popular superhero.

“They think they’re slick, but they aren’t. It’s really obvious when they shove politics into these games,” said Creasy. “We just want a fun Captain America video game and we could have had one but instead, they had to shove wokeness into the game and have Cap fighting Nazis. And with a black person, no less. That has Sweet Baby written all over it. Everybody knows there were no black people in World War II. At least, that’s what I learned at my high school in Florida.”

“All the Sweet Baby hallmarks are in that trailer,” Creasy continued. “Black people where they don’t belong, women where they don’t belong, and forced political messaging. We just want to be able to enjoy a game without feeling like we’re getting lectured, but they want to indoctrinate gamers to the left by making Captain America fight Nazis like they’re all evil.”

Phillip Jordan, a game blogger with a suspicious number of cover up tattoos, felt that Sweet Baby’s influence had tarnished a game he’d been looking forward to since its announcement.

“When it was first announced that a Captain America game was in the works I was really excited,” Jordan said. “I love Captain America but this is not the Captain America I know. Cap is a symbol of our great nation, but they’ve turned him into a woke leftist. He’s supposed to represent all Americans no matter what, but I can’t support a Captain America that thinks half of America’s population is evil.”

Even billionaire tech entrepreneur Elon Musk weighed in on the new game.

“Nothing is a bigger threat to free speech than wokeness, and now they’ve made the one superhero who should be defending free speech into a woke who punches his political opponents,” Musk said on X, formerly Twitter. “The left is trying to incite violence, as always. Who knows what would have happened if Don Lemon had played this game before our interview? Woke must be stopped.”

At press time, gaming Youtubers were seen prepping their video essays explaining categorically why Captain America would never fight a Nazi.

Man Consulting D&D Lego Set Instructions Shamed for Metagaming

BY NIK THEORIN

PHILADELPHIA – The release of Dungeons & Dragons’ first collaborative set with LEGO got off to a rocky start this afternoon after a local man consulting the instruction booklet for his new purchase was immediately shamed by his fellow players for metagaming, sources report.

“We’re all gathered around the table, ready to get to building like we do every week,” said Chris Daughtler, the resident tank of his local D&D group. “It’s a little different every session. But no matter what, there’s always this expectation of respect, you know? When Miles took out that instruction booklet and started reading up on things like which pieces went where and in what order, you could feel the vibe instantly change. With that simple action, he broke the spell of collaborative fiction.”

“Look, we all get a little carried away with our cheat sheets and Monster Manuals sometimes,” continued Daughtler, who just last week tried to invent gunpowder with his 6 Intelligence Paladin. “Heck, I could probably ramble off a Beholder’s stats from memory, without even looking at the stat block tattooed on my inner thigh. I’ve read every book top to bottom. That doesn’t make me a filthy metagamer, it just makes me a player who loves the game. But Miles cracked open those instructions in full view of the group — what was he thinking?”

Justine Schwank, the group’s forever DM who had been looking forward to the release of the fan-inspired set, “Dungeons & Dragons: Red Dragon’s Tale”, was equally quick to condemn her friend’s actions.

“Pretending you don’t have all the information is half the fun,” said Schwank, whose previous roleplaying group fell apart after exactly one player got a job. “For example, the ribbed orange thing that comes in the box. You and I both know that’s the patented #630 LEGO Brick Separator. But our characters don’t know that. Festivald the Lusty Bard doesn’t know that. What does he think? Is it an improvised weapon? A tool for pleasure? What does it do? Once you start thinking like that, the line between you and your character becomes deliciously blurred.”

The player in question, Miles Zoller-Sietz, pushed back against accusations of metagaming, even going so far as to claim “there was no session scheduled today” and “why are you all here”.

“This is absurd,” said Zoller-Sietz, who joined Schwank’s TTRPG group as a favor. “D&D is already stressful enough. The most popular representation is the kids from Stranger Things. I have to apologize to my God every night for the accents attempted by our DM. LEGOs are my only safe haven. Am I using outside information my character wouldn’t have access to? Yes. Am I metagaming? Sure. Will I critically hit anyone who tries to take this from me? Who don’t you find out, hotshot? Any takers?”

At press time, the players had reportedly abandoned the new set entirely in favor of a homebrew consisting of two gray baseplates, half a Bionicle, and the spare pieces from “LEGO Adventurers Orient Expedition: Yeti’s Hideout”.