thehardtimes

Hard Digest March 18: Early Access Weird Al, Pink Floyd, Drinking on the Job, and More

Added 2024-03-19 00:00:04 +0000 UTC

Guy Realizing He Only Knows Lyrics to Part of Pop Song Used in Weird Al Polka Medley

MERIDEN, Conn. — Local milquetoast Artie Hangreth embarrassed himself mid-singalong in front of his partner’s friends as he realized he only truly knew the lyrics included in an old Weird Al polka medley, cringing onlookers confirmed.

“I was out with my girlfriend’s friends and trying to make a good impression as they sang along to a playlist of songs they loved in college. Owl City’s ‘Fireflies’ was blasting and the melody seemed familiar so I figured it was safe to belt out. Man, what a faux pas! I could feel the rolling eyes as everyone started to notice I only knew the few bars from ‘Polka Face’ off 2011’s ‘Alpocalypse,’” said the meek Hangreth, as the women kept their distance. “I mean, I’d even be better off if it was a full parody, at least then I’d be able to fake it for the entire song. These medleys just include a few seconds of the damn thing! Why couldn’t I have just been more open to radio hits in my early 20s?!”

Hangreth’s girlfriend voiced her disgust at her partner’s lack of social graces when it came to the pop music of the late aughts.

“It’s such a shame, you know? He was doing so well, bonding with my sorority sisters as though he had pledged Kappa Theta right along with us, but then had to ruin it all by remarking ‘what a great tuba line’ the song has, and that the ‘accordion solo coming up is actually a wry musical quote from Spike Jones and his City Slickers.’ What am I supposed to do with that?” complained Deija Pilkes, ignoring a sheepish wave from her embarrassed beau. “Then when he kept slipping from the chorus of ‘Fireflies’ to T-Pain’s ‘Blame It on the Alcohol’ by accident like three different times, I had to finally tell him to find another corner of the bar to be a weirdo in. There’s nothing that ruins a girl’s night quicker than someone thinking a ‘hand fart’ solo is coming up later in the song.”

Professional pomposity puncturer “Weird Al” Yankovic himself has proclaimed the occurrence an epidemic that he feels indebted to find the cure for.

“You’ve heard it here first: I solemnly vow to go back and re-record polka versions of the FULL songs I used in my medleys over the years, just so dweebs, dorks, and doofuses everywhere will finally wrap their heads around non-novelty music,” said a clearly stricken Yankovic. “It’s scientifically proven that bird calls, old-timey horn honks, and clarinet solos make music more palatable to geek ears, and I will harness their power to keep my bizarre brethren informed. It’s my fault I’ve gotten them into this mess, now it’s my mission to get them out. Get that recording studio prepped, I’ve got a long night ahead of me.”

At press time, Hangreth further embarrassed himself when he only knew the MAD Magazine spoof version of the prestige television show everyone was talking about.

The Next Pink Floyd? This Band Also Just Played to an Empty Venue

BY JOHN DANEK

In 1972, ascendant British prog rockers Pink Floyd challenged the artist/audience relationship by releasing their concert film Live at Pompeii. The band chose to play in an empty, ancient Roman amphitheater, bravely eschewing any filmed crowd reaction or hilarious Italian accents whatsoever.

Over 50 years later, music fans may have found the next Pink Floyd. Indie noise rockers Sardonic Glitter just echoed the Floyd’s feat by playing Buffalo, New York’s somewhat less historic Mr. Winks’ Bar to an audience of no one, save for venue employees. And yet again, the purpose of an audience in music comes into question.

“I can confirm that absolutely no one showed up. Not the two opening bands, nor Sardonic Glitter’s friends or significant others. Hell, I went for a smoke and Candy Crush break for most of it,” recalled bartender Leigh Porter. “And similar to Pink Floyd, they went through all this effort to get a fucking gong on stage only to hit it in one part of one song. It really makes you wonder, did they even play a show? Or does the lack of crowd mean they just had rehearsal?”

Porter’s lone account of the concert provides some insight into the band’s intentions. Guitarist Blake Kinsley was reportedly and inexplicably shirtless at the beginning of the performance, despite freezing temperatures outside. He frequently added textures to songs with a combination of fuzz and wah pedal, which Porter described as “ear-splitting.” The show might have been immediately lost to the annals of history if music fans didn’t notice the band’s bassist Phil Jericho checking in his order of Pliny the Younger IPA on Untapped.

Art historians are already struggling to analyze the true meaning of Sardonic Glitter’s bizarre act.

“The comparison of Buffalo to Pompeii is significant,” states author Clark Terrino. “On one hand, you have a city utterly ravaged by God’s wrath—on the other hand, you have Pompeii. And while Pink Floyd remained a stable band for only a decade longer after their Pompeii performance, Sardonic Glitter’s members are all reportedly looking into grad school programs. While we may never hear this young band’s Dark Side of the Moon, look at the bright side: at least we don’t have to sit through their Momentary Lapse of Reason.”

Man Achieves Perfect Work-Life Balance by Drinking on Job

BY DOUG KOLIC

OTTAWA — Local office employee Keith Nolan reported that he finally achieved the ultimate work-life balance by deciding to drink at work, according to witnesses watching him stumble around.

“After all these years yearning for a more balanced relationship between home and work, I finally did it!” slurred Nolan. “This company never gave a shit about mental health or giving us more time for ourselves, so I had no choice but to take matters into my own hands and advocate for Keith because nobody else would. Sure, I still have to come into the office every day, but now that I’m buzzed I’m having the time of my life, while still being super productive. The best part is that nobody even knows what I’m up to. I’m so fucking smart!”

Long-time coworker Dana McCredy offered her opinion on Nolan’s newfound happiness.

“Um, yeah, he’s not fooling anyone, this whole place knows he’s boozing at work,” McCredy stated. “It doesn’t take a genius to know what he’s up to when he walks out periodically with a backpack full of bottles loudly clanking around inside, before returning a short time later with a giant smile and glazed look on his face. Nobody wants to rat him out because he’s actually more pleasant to be around now, even though his work is shittier than usual. As long as you avoid being caught in the elevator with him at the end of the day when his stench is most obvious, you’re good.”

HR Leader Sam Cruzman described the importance of allowing staff to balance their personal and professional lives.

“Companies competing for talent have learned that allowing employees certain perks is simply good business,” said Cruzman. “Sure, most of the time those perks involve flexible hours, game rooms, or free lunches, but more unconventional policies can also make a difference. If the only way an institution can improve morale is by allowing or at least turning their heads to staff drinking, doing drugs, or even having sex in the office, then maybe it’s a risk worth taking. Vice Media comes to mind. On second thought, never mind. That’s a horrible idea.”

At press time, Nolan was found by a colleague slumped in the elevator, passed out in his own piss.

Ranking the 30 Coolest Things I Found in My Beard This Week

Top 0 Things You Need to Know About Sweet Baby Inc.

BY BRENDAN OSORIO

After a thorough examination of all information currently available online — both in written and video form — we’ve compiled a list of the most important information every functioning adult needs to know about the actions of Sweet Baby Inc.. In order to properly inform readers we worked day and night absorbing every YouTube take, tweet, Zoom interview, and podcast rant on the topic, pulling only the most important information for inclusion on this list. OK, let’s hop right into it!

Player Who Just Rolled 3rd Natural 1 About to Find Out How Vengeful DM Is

BY MYLES CONLON

After playing together for over half a year, one D&D party is reportedly worried it all may come to an end after their last fateful session. Their Dungeon Master decided to call it early after seeing a player roll 3 natural 1s in a row, according to players’ social media.

“On one hand we know our DM, Gary, has put a ton of work into this campaign so we’re kinda hoping that they’ll show me some mercy,” said Mac, the player who rolled the 3 nat 1s. “But on the other hand, in a previous session we may have derailed their story a tad by accidentally setting a major NPC on fire after mistaking them for an enemy. So there is a slight chance they might be holding a bit of a grudge.”

Other players from the table were also quick to share their thoughts on both Mac and what may become of their character.

“He said to just ‘leave it to me, I have +12 to this roll, how bad could it possibly be?’ Well apparently we’re all going to have to find out now,” said another player from the table Sam. “I mean seriously 3 times in a row, I don’t know what deity Mac pissed off but I wish they wouldn’t drag us down with them. All he had to do was tell one lie to a couple of guards and everything would’ve been fine. I mean he’s a bard and we even gave him guidance and the help action for advantage. The DM even gave him a free reroll on one after seeing the first two 1s!”

Mac’s character, ‘Brahn Lockman the Hero of Thunderdale’, was usually the one who got the best rolls in our party, this was just unfortunate…”, added another player from the table, Mark. “I mean he spent weeks making this character to ensure he could get the most out of it. But he was already hurt from the previous fight and given the way the DM was grinning maliciously I am less than hopeful.”

The DM also said something on the matter to alleviate the worries of most of their players.

“After those 3 pitiful rolls in a row I thought it best to end the session there to spend the next week brainstorming a truly worthy outcome. But don’t worry too much, the only one close to the NPC was Mac, the rest of the party should be completely safe. Also I just want to say that I don’t hold any grudges against players for what they’ve done in the past.

“I may use it to help set up future encounters though, such as the grieving widow of the NPC they burned alive hunting them on a personal quest for vengeance. These actions have consequences, and I am but a humble storyteller. Next time I bet they’ll think before depriving 3 small children of growing up with a father. Now when it comes to deceiving some guards a few bad rolls may not be so bad, but perhaps the guy they set ablaze was a friend of theirs. Just an idea.”

At press time, the campaign seems to be continuing. Meanwhile, Mac has been reported to have begun playing a new character, Brahn Lockman Jr.

Gamer Can’t Decide Which Baldur’s Gate 3 Disc to Romance

BY NICK COFFMAN

CHICAGO – The physical release of Baldur’s Gate 3 on the Xbox is fast approaching and local gamer Gina Hartley is reportedly struggling to determine which of the game’s discs she will romance. The self-appointed, ‘Hopeless Physical Media Romantic’ confirmed her latest dilemma in a Twitter thread.

“I’m a one disc kind of girl. I can’t make room in my heart for four discs,” Hartley tweeted. “I haven’t owned a piece of physical media in 20 years. After trying to pick between the 10 discs of Everquest 2 and failing, my heart and many of those discs were shattered to pieces. I will not be hurt. Not again… Yet, I yearn for a real connection with physical media.”

Hartley confirmed she had previously played Baldur’s Gate 3 on Steam, but never in her wildest dreams did she think it could come back into her life as a physical release.

“I wanted to wrap the box in my arms, sniff the manual, and trace my finger around the outside rim of the disc. In a moment of passion, I was mere clicks away from preordering my first copy of physical media since 2004. Then I saw them. Discs, not disc, discs,” Hartley’s thread continued. “Why can’t a single disc have it all? No one is fully complete, I get that, but you’re telling me Larian can’t fit Act I and II on a single disc? You’re telling me they can’t find a few spots to fit that last 500MB?”

Hartley’s thread was quick to draw criticism from physical media pariahs on Twitter.

“Just get a PS5, it’s only two discs. You could be a throuple,” read one quote Tweet from user, PlayStation is My Dad

“Can’t you just date all 4 casually,” a Larian Studios exec wrote.

At press time, Hartley could be seen writing, “Mrs. Gina Baldur’s Gate 3 Disc 1,” over and over again on the cover of a notebook.