Hard Digest March 16: Early Access St. Patrick's Day, Financial Advice, Biden, and More

Punk’s Urine Being Green Unrelated to St. Patrick’s Day Bender

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

KUTZTOWN, Pa. — St. Patrick’s Day reveler and local punk Shane Becker was unconcerned that his green-tinted urine had nothing to do with the 15 dyed beers he’d drank, bar patrons have confirmed.

“Normally I’d be asking if this looks infected, but the timing of it couldn’t be more perfect since I forgot to wear something green today. It’s actually been three weeks since my piss has looked like Ecto Cooler, but I’ll give it another day or two before I start to get concerned,” said Becker. “Damn if I know how this happened. It might be the one piece of asparagus I ate last month or that I live downriver from a wastewater treatment plant, but my main focus today is to blackout in honor of St. Patrick, which should offset the fact that it feels like I’m pissing fire.”

Jody Wallace, pub bartender and acquaintance of Becker, didn’t share the same ambivalence about his medical condition.

“I’ve let Shane get away with public urination every once in a while, but he straight up took a leak onto one of our plants today and it died instantly. As far as I know his urine looked like that before we opened, so unless he had a ton of dye and Coors Lights at home he needs to go to the hospital,” said Wallace. “At least three guys have run out of the bathroom screaming today and it’s starting to kill the vibe. He’s pretty far gone so I might be able to sprinkle some crushed up some penicillin into his drinks. It couldn’t be less safe than whatever he’s going through now.”

Doctors who were alerted to Becker’s condition reiterated that holiday revelry shouldn’t overshadow the fact that his condition may be irreversible.

“Is it amusing? Yes, but if anyone’s urine isn’t some shade of yellow it should be looked into. Shane doesn’t strike me as the type who’d ingest any natural dyes found in fruits or vegetables, so if his urine isn’t the result of green-dyed Miller High Life, he will likely suffer massive organ failure in the next 48 hours,” said urologist Michael Klein. “I suggest that he incorporate some normal-colored beer into his St. Patrick’s Day celebration and see if that makes a difference. Otherwise, we may be looking at a UTI unlike anything mankind has ever seen.”

Halfway through the day, bar staff finally asked Becker to leave after several patrons developed acute radiation poisoning after he accidentally pissed his pants.

Finance: How Much You Should Have Saved by the Time the Grocery Store Is Playing Your Favorite Music From High School

BY KIMBERLY SCOTT 

Time flies. One minute you’re young and invincible with your whole life ahead, and the next you find yourself thinking “wow, what a banger” while comparing fiber content between cereals in the breakfast aisle of a Ralph’s in the deep suburbs.

If you braved downloading music from Limewire to get your hands on songs that are now played at the grocery store, hearing Bowling For Soup’s “1985” come on might feel like a personal attack.

Truly maturing, however, is realizing that the Debbie your friend in Bowling for Soup sang about has a lifestyle that is aspirational by today’s standards. She never had it all, but at least she can afford healthcare, raising two children, a reliable vehicle, and a nice house in a decent neighborhood… not bad for a plan B, honestly. Unfortunately financial security (even just for retirement and emergencies) is going to take more than abandoning your dreams to become an actress, nowadays.

Not sure where to begin? Here are a couple of guidelines for when you start loading your cart to music you danced to at prom.

Build Your Emergency Fund

You may think you grew out of living life on the edge, but in reality you’re pushing the limit more than ever by aging in a country that places your healthcare in the hands of soulless insurance companies. If you can swing it, you should always keep four to six weeks of living expenses ready at hand.

Save For Retirement

Generally it’s recommended you have about three times your annual salary put aside for retirement by the time your grocery store plays your high school jams more than anything else. Hopefully when you first notice this transition starting you will have some amount of savings already, but if you’re a bit behind- don’t panic. The process lasts years, it’s likely you can still catch up without doing anything drastic.

You will know it’s complete when the emotionally charged songs nearest to your heart are treated with complete irreverence. If you want an idea of what that’s like just ask your parents how it felt hearing “Comfortably Numb” get intermittently shat on by PA announcements asking for assistance in the deli or clean up on aisle 12 for the first time.

Once that starts happening, you will be glad to hear the next wave of teenage anthems take over. These goals might seem overwhelming, but the best thing to do is simply get started.

Until you hear instrumental versions of your music in the elevator, you have time.

Georgia Passes Law Criminalizing Giving Water to People Waiting in Merch Lines

BY TIM GRAHAM

ATLANTA — Georgia’s governor has signed a bill prohibiting the act of offering water to thirsty audience members queuing in long merch lines, bewildered legal experts confirmed.

“This is a boon for venue owners,” said Phil Stubbs, proprietor of The Vexed Crab nightclub. “All those people in line ain’t drinking, so we ain’t earning. Usually someone will wait in line and their friend will bring them some water. We stopped giving out free water at the bar a long time ago, but these skinflints will just fill a cup in the bathroom sink. All these lousy water drinkers really cut into our bar take. This law means those cheapskates will have to bring their friend at least a $8 PBR tallboy instead. People like beer more than water, anyway, so this is a win-win situation.”

Concert-goers who fought against the law’s passage are disappointed that the state has once again sided with powerful special interests over the consumer.

“Last summer I went to an outdoor festival that was apparently testing the practices that have now become law,” said Miranda Speight, 26. “My friend and I wanted to grab some t-shirts. After standing in line in the hot sun for half an hour, she finally went to get us water. But when she got back, a security guard knocked the cups out of her hands and demanded she go back and get beers, or at least hard seltzers. I wound up in the emergency room from dehydration that day. I never did get that goddamned shirt.”

ACLU spokesman Andrew Gruber argues that the new law is unconstitutional and should be repealed.

“With the Citizens United ruling, the Supreme Court decided that political donations from corporations were protected as free speech,” said Gruber. “The same logic should apply here. In fact, the Georgia law was passed under the disingenuous premise that a bad actor could influence which band’s merch someone will buy if they’re given water. But anyone can see it’s just a cash-grab by the venues to increase thirst in an effort to sell more beer. Especially since there is no rule in place prohibiting offering beer, liquor or even a basket of curly fries to people.”

At press time, a local concert attendee was released after having been wrongfully apprehended for giving what turned out to be a $22 vodka on the rocks—not water—to a friend.

We Sit Down with the One Guy Whose Student Loans Were Canceled by Biden

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

President Biden’s SAVE plan, his audacious agenda to cancel student loans for millions of Americans, was immediately embraced by the public when it was revealed in 2022. The President’s administration recently announced it will hand out $1.2 billion to wipe out Federal education loans starting this year, specifically paying it out entirely to Jackson Lemming of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. The Hard Times was fortunate enough to sit down with him and talk about being the recipient of this historic windfall.

Hard Times: Jackson, you’re the envy of the nation. How did you take the news of your loans being forgiven?

Jackson Lemming: I didn’t believe it at first. Apparently they had sent me a certified letter, but looked exactly like a bill so it immediately went into the trash. They ended up having to send some G-Men to my house to tell me the loans were forgiven like I’d won the Publishers Clearing House prize.

HT: That must’ve been quite a shock, given how improbable this must’ve been when you graduated. It’s been well documented the Fed always comes guns blazing at anyone making less than $50,000 a year.

JL: Fuck me for growing up middle class, right? But yeah, I thought I’d be raking in cash with a B.A. and an M.A. in engineering, but after I graduated the only jobs I could find paid $14 an hour. And those were the ones that required a Master’s degree. I was barely a week into working at my local Sonic before the bills started showing up.

HT: Wait, $14 an hour? And just to clarify, engineers are the people who design bridges and stuff right? So then how much did you have to borrow?

JL: Around $80,000 initially, but then there were the two unpaid internships, post-graduate school, and springing for the nicer on-campus apartments that didn’t have black mold. I think it came out to roughly $150k in change. But that my loan has been forgiven I can finally cut down to only selling my plasma to twice a month!

HT: Jesus man, what the fuck!

JL: Right? When Biden announced the SAVE plan I applied immediately, but with all the pushback and legal battles I thought it would be a bust. I had almost made peace with only having $43 in my bank account when I got the news. I just hope that at this rate it can help at least seven or eight more people. It makes the most sense economically.

HT: Well with this financial burden lifted, how are you going to spend your free money?

JL: At this point since I’ve been priced out of owning a home and likely won’t retire, I’ll probably just buy myself a little treat and then start chipping away at my SallieMae loans. I borrowed $2,000 for books and somehow I now owe them $90,000. But who knows, maybe they’ll get bailed out again and let everyone off the hook – damn, I’m sorry. Now I just sound crazy.

Star Wars Battlefront Servers Running On Single Gonk Droid

BY GARY KERLS 

AUSTIN – Amidst a disastrous launch, Aspyr, the developer and publisher of the new Star Wars: Battlefront Classic Collection, has revealed the three working servers are running on a single gonk droid.

“We have heard the user feedback and are doing everything in our power to fix these issues,” said Aspyr CEO Michael Rogers. “We just have to find out where that little fella ran off to.”

The gonk droid, which is a power-generating robot with legs used on underdeveloped planets without sustainable power grids, was responsible for the three multiplayer servers that were running on day one. Since the messy launch, nobody has been able to locate the droid, leading to continued matchmaking issues and unexpected crashes.

A leaked company memo from Aspyr describes the internal investigation into the issue, “Please be on the lookout for GNK Power Unit. The droid is housing every multiplayer server for the SW:BF Classic Collection, as well as crucial passwords for our developers. The unit was last seen in the hallways outside of Conference Room 4.”

The misplaced droid wasn’t the only source of audience dissatisfaction with the $40 remake of a 20 year old game. Spotty hit-boxes, sound quality issues, and locked inverted flight controls has led fans to question the care and effort put into the remaster.

“They pushed the release up trying to capitalize on the Dune: Part 2 popularity” says one ex-Aspyr employee on X. “They thought ‘Hey! We’ve got a planet of moisture-deprived sand people too!’ and made us work double-time.”

At press time, the runaway robot has been located, as well as multiple EG-6 power droids capable of doubling the amount of server space to 6.

Dreamlight Valley Residents Face Mass Evictions as Ruler Makes Room for More Pumpkin Farms

BY MATT FRESH 

DREAMLIGHT VALLEY — Residents of Disney Dreamlight Valley are reportedly being evicted en masse as the ruler is making room to build more pumpkin farms. According to interviews, residents of the Valley say they’re being forced to leave with short notice.

“Look, I don’t like to do it, I love these people, they’re my best friends and we’ve built a truly magical place here but I need coins if I’m gonna keep paying Scrooge McDuck’s prices for things,” said Ruler of the Valley Ryan. “We don’t even have inflation here but he keeps raising his prices and pumpkins are the best way to make a lot of money. It’s either that just chill and do activities for fun.”

The evicted residents aren’t sure what they’re going to do now, with many having little to no support system nearby.

“I’ve lived here forever haha. Even after everybody else disappeared during the forgetting haha. I guess I’ll have to go back to my old clubhouse haha. I really wish I could stay though haha. I’m not mad at Ryan though haha, he’s a great ruler and I’m sure he’ll have us all back haha,” said Mickey Mouse.

“Gawrsh, I just couldn’t believe it when Ryan said I was getting evicted. I understand he needs to farm Pumpkins to make money but I run all the stands in the valley so without me, who’s he gonna sell them to? Hyuck!” said Goofy

For his part, Scrooge McDuck doesn’t seem to care that his prices are responsible for the evictions.

“My prices are fair. If Ryan chooses to evict everybody to build pumpkin farms to make more cash instead of toiling away grinding out coins the long way, that’s on him. As long as I get my money for my services that are appropriately priced,” said McDuck while swimming in a tub of money.

At press time, Ryan has reportedly spent all his profits on a single pair of Wreck-It Ralph overalls he’ll never wear.