Hard Digest March 15: Early Access IT Support, Cobb Salad, Gun Safety, and More

Punk IT Support Asks if You’ve Tried Punching the Monitor Yet

BY CARTER SCHENKE

CHICAGO — New IT support person, and self-proclaimed punk, Alex Holden is causing frustrations with fellow employees at Hawthorne Inc. by suggesting they punch their computer monitor as a means of troubleshooting their problem, multiple sources with bandaged knuckles confirmed.

“I’m not even sure how this guy got hired in the first place,” said Vanessa Meyer, head of sales at Hawthorne Inc. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him sober, and he constantly swears at anyone who asks him for help. It’s just not appropriate for the work environment. And whenever he’s not telling us that the solution to our computers not working is destroying them, he’s going on about how we’re all slaves to ‘the man’ and how we’re all contributing to the capitalistic downfall of society. Someone pointed out that he works here too, and he threw a beer can at them.”

Despite his coworkers’ frustrations, Holden sees himself as serving a very important role in the company.

“If I’m not out here to stick it to Hawthorne Inc, who will?” Holden said through very slurred speech. “At first I just applied to the job because my parents said I had to start paying them rent, plus my aunt works here, so I figured I had a decent shot. But once I realized I could get people to start destroying company equipment, I knew this was my true calling. Some people are even actually doing it, so far management has had to replace four printers, twelve computers, and eight monitors because of me.”

IT support recruiter William Hughes weighed in on how people with affinities for other genres incorporate their passion for their scene into their jobs.

“I’ve gotten a lot of complaints over how the people I recruit handle issues in the workplace over the years,” said Hughes. “I’ve heard of black metal fans advising users to light their computers on fire, and Juggalos trying to reformat hard drives by soaking them in Faygo. I’d say at least forty percent of the people I recruit end up getting fired for something like this. I really have to stop recruiting at music festivals.”

At press time, Holden was heard yelling at users to “open up this fucking program.”

Photo by Justin Guiel.

You Can Take My Gun From My Cold Dead Hands as Soon as I Can Remember Where I Left It

BY REUBEN BLANCHARD

I love this country. I bleed red, white and blue. I believe in the ideals laid out by the forefathers of this nation. I am an American and guns are my birthright. And while I’m technically not sure where my Glock 19 is at this exact moment, you’re damn sure never gonna take it from me.

Look, I’m not some gun nut. Hell, I wouldn’t even call myself a collector. I’m just your average proud American citizen who cares about the Second Amendment and believes regardless of training, or even proving I can safely handle a firearm, it’s my right to keep several handguns in the glovebox of my unlocked Kia Sorento and hidden under my son’s mattress in case someone is stupid enough to break into my kingdom.

My family has passed down the time-honored tradition of caring about and respecting firearms. And I continue that tradition by keeping about 50% of the guns I own in a locked gun safe. Well, I guess it’s less of a gun safe and more of a plastic storage tote. But it is high-end plastic and the latches on the side are very secure. And, sure if you wanna be scientific about it, there’s no actual lock, but the sign that says “stay away, I got guns in here” gets the message across.

Now I’m not averse to criticism. I can admit when I’m wrong. During the lockdown, I definitely panic-bought one of those “make your own AR” kits, and yeah just like everyone else I stopped halfway through because it was too much work. I’m only human. And ok, technically I’m not sure where all of those parts are now. But what’s most important is protecting my rights, regardless of whether or not the neighbor’s kid found the upper in my open garage and now has it mixed in with his toys.

The mainstream media wants you to think that some gun control advocates aren’t even saying that citizens shouldn’t have guns, but that they really just wanna push for background checks, cool-down periods, and so-called “red flag” laws. Well the only red flag I see, is the communist flag flying over our great country if cops who are spousal abusers lose their right to carry a firearm.

Things have been getting out of control in this country, and I’m not gonna sit around and wait to have my rights taken away. I pay my taxes to this criminal government now, but there may come a day when I have to take arms up against tyranny. And on that day I’ll be ready. As soon as I can remember where I left my shit.

Saving Biggest Piece of Chicken for Last Bite of Cobb Salad Most Rewarding Part of Man’s Day

BY MIKE MAHER

CRANFORD, N.J. — Local actuary Ken Dorfinger showed amazing self-restraint by leaving a significantly large piece of chicken as the last bite of his meal, confirmed sources versed in delayed gratification.

“I’m a Cobb man. It’s the most salad for my dollar. I don’t mess around with Greek or even Chef,” Dorfinger said while sharpening every pencil at his desk to equal length. “So when I opened up my reusable Just Salad bowl and saw this motherload of a morsel, I literally moaned with delight. Wins like this don’t happen to guys like Ken Dorfinger. I strategically forked my way through the greens and carrots first. Then made quick work of the egg and smaller chicken chunks until only that rogue meat treat remained, all coated in ranch, bacon bits and blue cheese crumble, creating what I called on Yelp ‘the cobbertunity of a lifetime.’ Unless there’s a new episode of ‘Blue Bloods’ tonight, this is the highlight of my day by a country mile.”

While happy for Dorfinger, Just Salad manager Rondell Eck doubled down on the company’s hardline portion policy.

“Hey, good for this guy. But I’m livid,” Eck raged by pay phone from an off-track betting parlor. “This liberal serving of poultry is a direct violation of Just Salad protocol. We portion every shred of fucking lettuce with surgical precision. We can’t just be handing out bird like Jesus feeding the goddamn multitude. This is a business. Money doesn’t grow on trees, and last time I checked, neither does chicken. The employee responsible for this flagrant abuse of policy will have their pay docked and be reassigned to dressing duty, post-haste.”

Office temp and tantric sex practitioner Susan Timms looked past Dorfinger’s pathetically low standards, interpreting his self-restraint as an almost sensual superpower.

“Tantra is my sexual lifeforce, but watching uneventful men like Ken eat is definitely my new kink,” Timms said, while drawing a penis in her desktop zen garden. “Seeing this cuck of a company drone soul-gaze his salad and edge his way to culinary climax did exciting, unmentionable things to my chakra. Let’s just say I’ll never look at a piece of processed chicken the same way again.”

At press time, Dorfinger’s lunch triumph was quickly ruined after discovering his last bite was technically the sad stale pita triangle he forgot at the bottom of the takeout bag.

Photo by Fran Krause.

So Your Fellow Lifeboat Survivors Have Turned into Giant Talking Hams: 5 Great Recipes!

BY NATHAN KAMAL 

We’ve all been in this situation: the luxurious cruise ship on which you were traveling for some well-earned relaxation time in Mallorca crashed into a bunch of rocks because the captain was distracted by sexy manatees, sunk, and now you’re stuck on a lifeboat with five other passengers from all walks of life.

You’re all starving. You’re dying of thirst. The sun is a beating hammer on the shoddy aluminum of your brain, and even worse, your fellow survivors have all turned into giant talking hams!

But have no fear! In this exact situation, all you need is some creative, mouthwatering ham recipes, and you’ll be partying on the beaches of Porto Cristo in no time! Just drink some saltwater and get your appetite ready for some delicious talking hams that keep looking at you weird!

Ham & Gruyere Sliders: Everyone loves a ham sandwich! But you can always kick up your old-fashioned, dumb-as-ditchwater, lifeboat-ready recipe by introducing a fun cheese like a cave-aged gruyere! Your fellow survivors might be giving you side-eye, but who are they to say anything? They’re fucking hams. Mouthwatering, succulent hams.

Jamon Iberico-Wrapped Persimmons: Javier, the dancing instructor who made the first few days of the cruise an ordeal because he could not grasp that you can never and will never be able to cha-cha, is exactly the kind of dry-aged Spanish ham who not only says “no, stay back, caníbal!” with a Castilian accent but will be delectable wrapped around a ripe Hachiya persimmon. Ola, Javier!

Ham Noodle Casserole: Remember, you don’t need to be fancy to enjoy the ham that is the other survivors whose blank eyes are staring at the sun! A can of cream of mushroom soup, some boiled egg noodles, and some cheddar cheese are all that’s necessary for a nourishing casserole that can feed your whole family! The family is the seagulls who perch on the side of the lifeboat that you have taken for your own, and no one will take it from you.

A Guy’s Head, But It’s Ham: Clarity is a nightmare, and the most fragile grasp you have on life depends on picturing Timothy, the program director, as ham. He’s just ham!

Mustard-Serrano Glazed Spiral Ham: Spicy! Nothing goes well with toothsome smoked pork shoulder as a sizzling-hot mostarda. That said, you have to deal with a ham when it talks back, and you need to use an oar to beat away the others. They know nothing of delicious recipes, but what can you expect?

They’re just hams.

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Dreamlight Valley Residents Face Mass Evictions as Ruler Makes Room for More Pumpkin Farms

BY MATT FRESH 

DREAMLIGHT VALLEY — Residents of Disney Dreamlight Valley are reportedly being evicted en masse as the ruler is making room to build more pumpkin farms. According to interviews, residents of the Valley say they’re being forced to leave with short notice.

“Look, I don’t like to do it, I love these people, they’re my best friends and we’ve built a truly magical place here but I need coins if I’m gonna keep paying Scrooge McDuck’s prices for things,” said Ruler of the Valley Ryan. “We don’t even have inflation here but he keeps raising his prices and pumpkins are the best way to make a lot of money. It’s either that just chill and do activities for fun.”

The evicted residents aren’t sure what they’re going to do now, with many having little to no support system nearby.

“I’ve lived here forever haha. Even after everybody else disappeared during the forgetting haha. I guess I’ll have to go back to my old clubhouse haha. I really wish I could stay though haha. I’m not mad at Ryan though haha, he’s a great ruler and I’m sure he’ll have us all back haha,” said Mickey Mouse.

“Gawrsh, I just couldn’t believe it when Ryan said I was getting evicted. I understand he needs to farm Pumpkins to make money but I run all the stands in the valley so without me, who’s he gonna sell them to? Hyuck!” said Goofy

For his part, Scrooge McDuck doesn’t seem to care that his prices are responsible for the evictions.

“My prices are fair. If Ryan chooses to evict everybody to build pumpkin farms to make more cash instead of toiling away grinding out coins the long way, that’s on him. As long as I get my money for my services that are appropriately priced,” said McDuck while swimming in a tub of money.

At press time, Ryan has reportedly spent all his profits on a single pair of Wreck-It Ralph overalls he’ll never wear.

Opinion: The Dark Knight Returns Is My Bible, In That I Ignore The Parts I Don’t Like

BY COREY ARDER 

When you’ve produced a brilliant, original project like Rebel Moon: Battle for Endor: Phase I, Part VI, a movie that many are saying—everybody is saying—has had more people see it (for free on streaming) than the most successful movie of the last year (in theaters, for a paid ticket), people inevitably ask you about future projects. Well, as always with a Snyder Production: the past IS the future, so I’d like to talk a bit more about my life’s inspiration: The Dark Knight Returns.

You see, my movie Rebel Moon: Yavin IV Falls, Chapter 6, Episode X was heavily influenced, like all things in my life, by The Dark Knight Returns, the only Batman book a True Fan needs to read as it contains all his best moments. As well as several more moments I’ve chosen to selectively ignore because they absolutely contradict my contention that Batman should be a gun-toting mass-murderer!

Have I heard of the Puni-who?! I don’t read shallow Marvel trash. I’m talking about gritty, mature storytelling here with guns and killing, the two things all mature stories contain. Did you know that there’s a single scene in DKR where Batman, in a moment’s desperation and because he has no other options, kills a random member of the Mutant Gang with a gun in order to save a precious, beautiful, Caucasian child?

Yes, he later breaks a gun in half and declares to his newly formed army, literally on-panel in a splash page, “This is the weapon of the ENEMY. We do not NEED it. We will not USE it.” But I don’t like that part as much as when the strong man decides one kid’s life is worth more than another’s, so I just pretend it doesn’t exist and never happened. And because nobody in my circles reads the comics I purport to love yet constantly trash, nobody asks follow-ups! So, when I say the character, who had tremendous cultural relevance for the past 60 years, is now sliding into irrelevance because the studio won’t let me base him on the one story out of thousands I’ve actually read, nobody questions it to my face! If they did, they might point out that Batman specifically calls out his use of rubber bullets in the Batmobile to non-lethally pacify the Mutant Gang, but again: that doesn’t satiate my bottomless lust for blood, so I just pretend it didn’t happen!

Yes, I was the last one to be in charge of the character before his supposed “slide into irrelevance,” but much like the scenes in DKR where the Joker is a camp, effete, gay panic caricature instead of a brooding, edgy, heavily tattooed mastermind: I ignore that and blame the downturn on movies that haven’t even come out yet and the very audience I should be trying to appeal to, as that’s my job at the end of the day!

If Batman doesn’t have guns, disregard the allies who support and help him, and never smiles a single instance in his homicidal existence, then just who is he?

The what? The Shadow??? Never heard of him. He sounds culturally irrelevant and unprofitable.

Congress Briefly Debates Banning TikTok Before Getting Distracted by Subway Surfers Gameplay Under Family Guy Clip

BY ALEX BRADLEY 

WASHINGTON — The Senate was reportedly in the midst of discussing a bill that could ban TikTok when debate was halted because Vice President Kamala Harris pulled up a clip from the hit animated sitcom Family Guy in which Peter Griffin plays duck, duck, goose incorrectly, paired with gameplay footage of mobile game Subway Surfers.

“Basically, Peter is going around the circle and keeps saying, ‘Duck, duck duck… duck,’ and every time you’re sure he’s about to say ‘goose’ he says ‘duck’ again,” explained Sen. Virginia Tran, smiling to herself. “It goes on for so long that you start to see it coming, but then somehow it keeps on going until it’s surprising again, and there’s a twist at the end. Peter is pretty funny.”

Still, other Congress members expressed worries about the pressing political matters at hand.

“Before we started watching these videos, we were definitely talking about something important,” said Sen. Dennis Davidson while not looking up from his phone. “I like how I can still get the Family Guy jokes even though my eyes are on the little subway guy collecting coins. It’s keeping me engaged while also I’m… What was the question?”

When contacted by reporters, the poster of these videos, TikTok user @familyguybestclipssubwaysurfers004, confirmed the opiate nature of his content.

“Yes,” he said to every question, struggling to think of any other words to say. When asked his profession, he answered that he is an artist, and that his art is Family Guy clips over Subway Surfers gameplay footage, which he makes through a process he has automated using a tutorial he found on YouTube.

If the bill passes through the Senate, it would require the approval of President Joe Biden, who commented on the recent House proceedings.

“The fact that these videos have distracted our own representatives shows the dangerous effects of this type of media,” Biden said. “We have to focus on the everyday concerns of the American people! I’ve heard so many heartbreaking stories from real Americans, in the form of Reddit posts read by soothing AI voices with Minecraft parkour videos in the background.”