thehardtimes

Hard Digest March 14th: Early Access SVU, Stanford Prison Experiment, the Bible, and More

Added 2024-03-15 00:00:05 +0000 UTC

Punk Alleviates Guilt of Watching Nine Straight Hours of “SVU” by Whispering “ACAB” After Each Episode

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Andrew Snee recently spent an entire weekend binge-watching well-known crime drama “Law and Order: SVU” free of the guilt of cheering on a bunch of police officers by reassuring himself that “all cops are bastards” after each episode, sources report.

“‘SVU’ has, and will always be my comfort show because I was spending time with Benson and the gang long before I realized the entire law enforcement system is rotten and everyone involved with it is complicit,” Snee explained while instinctively saying “Dun Dun” in unison with the start of a new episode. “I mean, how can you not empathize with Officer Tutuola when he uses his gritty street smarts to help bring down a sexual deviant? Or not cheer on Detective Stabler when he cracks the skull of a child predator before hauling his ass to Rikers? Being a cop means you’re a class traitor, yes, but goddamn does it make for some binge-worthy television! With all that said, I still don’t think that makes me a boot-breathed coward…..right?”

Snee’s childhood friend and fellow punk Dani Pasada feels that her friend’s guilt over watching “Law and Order” has begun to reach unhealthy levels.

“I’ve known Andrew for going on 20 years now, and yes, he’s always watched that fucking show, and yes, he’s always been completely neurotic about it,” Pasada said, adding the fact that Snee had always gone on about how the world would be a much better place if everyone was as principled as ADA Casey Novak. “Time after time I have to tell him, ‘It’s just a TV show, those are just actors, and they aren’t the real cops who constantly shut down our house shows or shoot innocents dead in the street.’ If Dick Wolf produced a show about real cops, it would probably be more of a shockumentary than anything.”

Television and film historian Alicia Pilsen explains how certain TV and films have made many people question their own punk statuses for decades.”

“Many programs or movies over the years have made punks question their own morals and convictions. It’s really just part of the lifestyle,” Pilsen said, saying that nothing proves this more than the 1987 dystopian action film classic “Robocop.” “So many punks claim that when Alex Murphy is murdered by Clarence Boddicker, every ounce of ‘ACAB’ is sucked out of their system, and they can’t wait for him to be served sweet, robotic-cop justice. Very much at odds with their beliefs, but it’s such a badass movie, those convictions get thrown by the wayside fairly easily”

At press time, after Snee finished an episode of “SVU” focused on Ice-T’s character, he immediately listened to “Cop Killer” at a very high volume.

Photo by Shawn Schmidt.

Opinion: I Would’ve Been Amazing in the Stanford Prison Experiment

BY ADAM FROST-VENRICK

Oorah and hello to everyone reading this. My name is Brayden Haydensen. I’m a Senior at Hillbrook High School and (more importantly) a cadet in the prestigious JROTC. I believe in one core thing: Success is what happens when drive and ambition meet discipline. And I’m a deeply disciplined guy.

With this is mind, I want to talk about Philip Zimbardo’s Stanford Prison Experiment. For those of you who don’t know, I’ll break it down for you: In this study, Zimbardo broke his participants into two groups. One of the groups was locked in a makeshift prison, while the other group was allowed to be their guard. Over the next few days, the prison guards engaged in acts of so-called “torture,” “hazing” and “abuse.” And even though the experiment was going to last two weeks, they had to shut it down after just six days. And I think this is frankly insulting. In fact, I think I could do way WAY better. And this time, I’d win!

Let me break it down for you. As a decorated junior military man, I recognize that I am the last line of defense between my spongey, useless classmates and the endless parade of school shooters and pedophiles that surrounds us. I have to be tough. And sometimes, to be tough for someone, you have to be tough to someone. That’s why if I was in the Stanford Prison experiment, I would make sure the prisoners were all the degenerates that have ever been mean to me.

And I would get creative. First thing I’d do is institute a mandatory quiet hours policy. For them. You talk? You go into solitary. You sneeze? Guess what. Solitary. But that doesn’t mean I’d run a quiet prison. Me and all my other fellow JROTC guards would play a non-stop, twenty-four-hour loop of the greatest song ever written: “Cotton-Eye Joe” by Rednex, with occasional “How You Remind Me” by Nickelback to soothe the poetic soul in each of us.

Also, meals are going to be privileges, not rights. To eat, they’re going to have to answer questions like: “Did Brayden get a girlfriend this summer?” (Yes, but she lives out of state. You don’t know her.) “How many push-ups can Brayden do?” (Twenty.) And “Does being in JROTC make you A) Cool B) Manly or C) Basically Not a Virgin? (Trick Question. It’s all of the above.)

I know some of you will start crying and saying that it’s inhumane. Lol. It might be a little bit strict, but this is human nature. This is how I would behave in the wild, and I can’t imagine anyone else is any different.

Family Bible Passed Down for Five Generations Hasn’t Been Read in Five Generations

BY DANIEL FREBORG

BOISE, Idaho — A local family admitted they haven’t read a single word of the Bible that has been with their family for five generations as a treasured heirloom, sources confirm.

“You know, I get all misty-eyed when I think of all the times our family would almost try to huddle together on that worn-out basement couch, eyes glued to those wise words of scripture that we just can’t seem to get rid of,” said Ronald Gibson, who has made numerous attempts over the years to pawn the book for no less than $250. “The kids would be exhausted after a long day but I imagine they’d still hang on my every word as I’d tell the stories of…well, the particularities aren’t important. But that book has kept the Gibsons a God-fearing family for 125 years. My predecessors would be proud that we still have their Bible displayed in our attic somewhere. At least I think that’s where it is.”

Lorraine Gibson didn’t seem to have the same reverence for the heirloom, which reeks of mildew from being carelessly tossed next to the water heater.

“I honestly get a little weirded out when I think about how many of my ancestor’s hands have held this book. It was originally gifted to my great, great grandfather Henry after allegedly a lifetime of service to his local church,” claimed the mother of three. “I only later discovered that the book was kept by Henry after using it to beat a homeowner to death while committing a home invasion. Someone else in our family later used the book primarily as a prop for when their parole officer came by. It’s more of a curse than a cherished memento.”

Family psychologist Samuel Briddon was quick to note that it’s far from uncommon for families like the Gibsons to ignore a relic in such a way.

“Families lie about this sort of thing constantly. Whether it’s claiming to still use granddad’s old baseball glove for a game of catch, or dishonestly describing their love of grandma’s pressed flower art, people will say anything to hide their true hideous nature,” said Briddon. “We actually found that 95% of items that are passed down are eventually just thrown away anyway. It just takes a good six or seven decades to do so. All of us die and so should our crap we’ve accumulated over a lifetime.”

At press time, the Gibson parents had informed their children that they would be receiving the copy of the Bible upon their death in lieu of any sort of inheritance.

Host’s Insistence Party Game “Really Fun” Growing More Frantic

BY DAN BOOKBINDER

QUINCY, MA — New homeowner, Jessica Weiss, shocked guests with her desperate insistence that guests join in a party game.

“I’ve thrown plenty of parties back in college, but this is my real adult gathering. I wanted it to be fun and classy. I made the perfect playlist, got a nice selection of hard seltzers, and a charcuterie platter from Market Basket. I just needed a sophisticated social game. I researched, watched playthroughs on YouTube, and even went down to the Knight Moves board game cafe to get some expert advice on the best games for a mixed group to socialize and landed on Salem 1692,” Weiss said, frenziedly scrubbing a water ring off her coffee table. “Oh, it’s a great one, it’s like Werewolf, or Mafia, or Secret Hitler set during the Salem witch trials with additional mechanics. It’s super fun. You should play it! Seriously, you’ll love it!”

Weiss’ uncharacteristic exuberance the night of party unnerved the gathered guests.

“Jess is usually a chill and funny presence at the office, so I was happy to attend her housewarming,” said Weiss’ coworker, Carly Siskind. “Her place was nice. But I didn’t get to see any of it because as soon as I arrived Jess ushered me to her dining room table since ‘the game was starting,’ and told me I was her ‘anchor’ and people would be joining in a second. I was getting bored, but I could hear her bouncing around telling people to play, her voice getting higher and higher. After a few minutes, I got up to say something to some people and she screeched at me to sit back down. I felt like a mouse spotted by an owl.”

Experts critiqued Weiss’ approach.

“Passion and enthusiasm are essential for any host,” said Aaron Mulhall, Owner of Party Up In Here Events and Host of the weekly “Cardboard Crack Game Night” at the Banshee. “You can’t be desperate, it’s a complete turnoff. Never introduce a social deduction game in the first hour. You have to drop subtle hints, let them mingle, then see who is wily enough to suss out the witches in Pre-Colonial times.”

Witnesses say after a brief outburst and 10-minute trip to the garage to get ice, Weiss calmed down her gaming agenda. Guests eventually joined for a round, but left to refill drinks when Weiss explained the rules.

Restaurant Review: The Pizza Sucks but They Got Cruis’n USA

Main Street Pizza and Sandwiches: ★★★★☆

BY KYLE DUGGAN

When entering Main Street Pizza and Sandwiches, three things are impossible to ignore. First is the overwhelming smell of hot, rancid grease. Second is the layer of dirt and grime that covers every visible surface in the establishment. Third is that they got Cruis’n USA, baby!

Main Street has survived all these years not on the strength of its menu, but by its world class entertainment: a single cabinet of the greatest driving simulator ever created near the bathrooms (which seem rarely cleaned and should be avoided, if possible).

This isn’t like the version of Cruis’n USA you have at home. This is real driving, like your dad does in his truck. There’s a wheel and pedals and that stick thing and everything. The only thing missing is the wind in your hair, not that you’ll be thinking about that while you’re playing. Win a race, and you’ll get to see something that’ll blow you away better than any breeze — a hot babe in a bikini. This is the kind of game mom would never let you play at home.

Even if you don’t manage to win, there’s plenty of fun to be had. You know how if you hit a cow in Mario Kart, you just get knocked over? Well, try hitting a cow in Cruis’n USA. Sure, it’ll still slow you down, but you’ll blow that critter into chunks of meat that come flying at the screen, looking not dissimilar to Main Street’s “sausage” topping. It’s always a crowd-pleaser, so the rest of your team will think you’re a legend for doing it, even if you finish last in the race. Even my dad got into the spirit. One level had a tunnel lined with dollar bills that had a lady smoking a cigar on them, and he couldn’t stop laughing. He never likes video games, so that should tell you how special this one is.

If you can stomach the nearly indigestible cheese and underbaked crust, Main Street Pizza and Sandwiches is a must visit. Few other restaurants are worth mentioning in the same breath. Their only true rival — locally, at least — is the Hawaiian-themed place at the mall that has the sit-down Jurassic Park arcade game.

Main Street Pizza and Sandwiches: ★★★★☆

Flight Attendant Hands Out Complimentary Bag of Nuts and Bolts

BY MATT SAINCOME

BOEING PLANE — Flight attendants have finally begun walking up and down the aisle of a flight currently 30,000 feet in the air and handing out little complimentary bags of leftover nuts, bolts, screws, wiring, and other airplane pieces.

“Nuts or bolts? There you go. Nuts or bolts? Enjoy,” the flight attendant said, moving from one passenger to the next. “Is he asleep? Do you want to take his bag of electrical wiring?”

“It’s just nice someone appreciates all this stuff,” the flight attendant added of the complimentary treats after finishing the parts service. “The maintenance guys who used to use it all got laid off months ago so it’s just been sitting gathering dust.”

The free treats were reportedly a welcome change for many frequent flyers aboard the flight, who say airlines have become too stingy with in-flight freebies.

“It was nice that they offered me a complimentary cup of engine coolant — no charge,” Tammi Jones said from seat 34B. “They threw in an entire jug of lubricant completely free. It was unopened and they said they didn’t know what it was for anyways.”

Passengers were also reportedly happy with a special in-flight credit card promotion which allowed new customers to come into the cockpit and break off any piece of the equipment they could manage to carry away.

“I always try to get in on the right promotions — you really have to nowadays,” Helen Burns, 67, said while tucking the plane’s black box into her overhead compartment. “My grandson is going to love this thing.”

As of press time, passengers on the flight were huddled around a single working cellphone taking turns saying goodbye to friends and family one last time.

Ganondorf Says Position as Gerudo King Gives Him Immunity for Crimes

BY MATT FRESH

Ganondorf is currently set to face trial for his attempted insurrection against Hyrule but claims his position as the King of the Gerudo should grant him full immunity from all charges.

Ganondorf spoke about his position at a rally held for his forces.

“As Gerudo King I can’t be prosecuted for these charges. Crooked Zelda, Sleepy Rauru, and Lying Link are running Hyrule into the ground and spreading the hoax that I am a threat to democracy when the real threat is them,” the monstrous Prince of Darkness said. “I was doing what was best for my people and it’s not like everybody in Hyrule is innocent. ”

Lead prosecutor Impa has refuted these immunity claims saying, “Just because he is Gerudo King does not mean he shouldn’t be held accountable for his attack on Hyrule. If we let him get away with that we might as well give him the triforce.”

Judge Rauru assures Hyrule that whatever the court rules will be what’s best for the kingdom.

“Me and the other Sages are working in the best interest of the entire Kingdom of Hyrule. No matter what, the people of Hyrule can rest assured that we will do whatever it takes to make sure it’ll be a long time before we inevitably let him do this again.”

When asked for his thoughts on the matter, Hero of Hyrule Link had this to say,

“…”

The citizens of Hyrule have reportedly had vastly different opinions on whether Ganondorf should be immune from prosecution. One carpenter from Gerudo valley was ready to forgive the reincarnation of Demise, saying, “He absolutely should have immunity. He’s a King and was just trying to improve Hyrule. The opposition just wants him silenced.”

Others were not so sure.

“I had to close down my shop after his insurrectionists made Hyrule Castle Town unsafe, just because he’s King should not make him above the law,” said Happy Mask Salesman.

At press time, the Sages are preparing a temporary seal to hold Ganondorf just until it’s not their problem anymore.