Hard Digest March 13: TikTok Ban, Boeing, Early Access George W. Bush, Underwear, Swift Records, and More
Added 2024-03-14 00:00:08 +0000 UTCUninsured American Hoping Doctor Duets Their Video of Weird Rash Before TikTok is Banned
LOS ANGELES — Brett Wilson, one of millions of uninsured Americans, became concerned that he may not be able to get a duet from a licensed doctor with medical advice now that the House of Representatives voted to ban TikTok earlier today.
“I posted this video asking if anyone’s seen a rash like this 48 hours ago, and I’m not sure how much longer I can wait,” Wilson said while applying a thick layer of ointment to the irritated area on his arms, chest, and back. “I love watching choreographed dances, Ring doorbell footage, and cute dogs as much as the next guy, but it’s DocTok that keeps me coming back. I guess I have about six months before the ban takes effect but I’m not sure if I can wait that long to find out if this is contagious. I’m just going to keep wearing long sleeves for now, but I don’t know how much longer I can do that with it starting to warm up outside. If the government cuts off access before I get a diagnosis, I’m going to have to do this the old-fashioned way and post photos in Facebook groups until I get the help I need.”
Board-certified dermatologist Dr. Victoria Skarke was somewhat relieved at the thought of a ban.
“Look — I’ve got at least 35 TikToks to try to respond to on my lunch break. So many people out there really need to see a doctor, and so many people have absolutely disgusting skin conditions. I want to help as many people as I can, but sometimes, it’s just too much,” said Dr. Skarke. “I’m exhausted from running my own practice and I’m completely overworked. Still, I feel like it’s my responsibility to make sure people aren’t transmitting scabies on the subway just because they don’t have the money to see a doctor.”
Author of the bill, US Representative Mike Gallagher, released a statement attempting to assuage concerns.
“The CCP is getting our teenagers’ data, and brainwashing our citizens,” Gallagher said. “I’ve heard concerns that users often seek medical advice from the app, but we’ve done everything possible to make sure Americans have access to high-quality healthcare, providing anyone who doesn’t get insurance through their employer with an exchange that offers monthly premiums ranging from unaffordable to completely unaffordable. What we really need to be focusing on right now is the fact that the Chinese government wants our children to go to Sephora and use the tester products.”
At press time, Wilson was seen anxiously checking his phone and scratching his torso.
Procrastinating Punk Band Nearly Finished with Bush Protest Album
BY TIM GRAHAM
GREELEY, Colo. — Local band Yellowcake Uranium issued a statement on their website’s message board hinting that they’re almost done with their “epic takedown of the Bush regime” nearly 16 years after he left office, according to someone who navigated to the post accidentally.
“We’re psyched to be so close to getting this record out,” said singer Brian “Skiv” Rivers as he lit a Camel Crush. “It’s taking a while, but it’s going to be worth it when the neocon war criminals get a load of the pure vitriol of songs like ‘Helliburton’ or ‘Mother Of All Bombs.’ This is really weighty stuff, so it’s important that we take some time to relax so we can avoid burnout. We’ve got a PS2 in our rehearsal space for when things get too intense. Sometimes, all we can do is smoke weed and play ‘GTA San Andreas’ for a few hours. That’s how heavy this shit is.”
While most of the band members are okay with taking their time, at least one feels like the process of creating the record has been dragging on too long.
“I don’t want to put pressure on the other guys, but I feel like we need to wrap this thing up,” said drummer Cliff Stilson. “I’m worried that some of the album’s best songs might seem dated since the Iraq and Afghanistan wars have been over for years now. I mean, Skiv’s been trying to choose the perfect Bush sample for the intro for like eight years now. I can’t even remember the last time we played out. Honestly, I’ve got more pressing things to think about, like how I’m going to pay for my kids’ colleges.”
Cynthia Carney, a life coach who specializes in creativity and procrastination, has experience with artists in Yellowcake Uranium’s situation.
“The desire to create something great can be so intimidating that it’s tempting to find ways to avoid working on the project altogether,” said Carney. “Additionally, if you actually finish something, it can then be judged, which is quite scary. However, if you are perpetually ‘working on it,’ the project can exist in a sort of superposition like Schrödinger’s cat, meaning there’s still a chance it could be great. Or it could suck ass—no one can know until it comes out.”
At press time, the estate of Donald Rumsfeld condemned a leaked demo called “Rumsfeld At The Hague” as “somewhat disrespectful to the deceased former Secretary of Defense.”
The Hard Times Guide to Rejecting Consumerism When Your Spouse Pleads With You To Buy A Second Pair Of Underwear
As the hole in the crotch grows larger than each leg hole, my wife begs me to buy a new pair of Hanes! First of all, I like that my junk dangles through the hole when I squat. I call it the bubblegum chandelier. And although they haven’t provided support in years, they do provide a sweet joke about my dick needing a bigger hole than my legs. Secondly, I’m not letting a product pit like Target add her hard-earned $7.99 to their money pile!
Now that I think about it, she’s always pushing hygiene and healthcare products on me too! That and her full dresser has me thinking she’s just some possession-idolizing shopaholic. So if a materialistic loved one starts pressuring you too, fight back with The Hard Times Guide to rejecting consumerism when your spouse begs you to buy a second pair of underwear.
Drive it till the wheels fall off.
After the wheels of my ‘98 Civic fell off on the highway, I gave it a loving pat on the back and just walked away. This philosophy works for everything. I don’t even consider buying new undies till the leg bands snap and the leg holes join the crotch hole to form one big skirt hole. My last pair disintegrated to the point that the entire thing ended up in the dryer’s lint trap.
Foraging and/or stealing.
Stuff is everywhere, so why buy when her friend’s boyfriend is crazy rich? Like, he works construction! I could swipe a pair from his dresser, and if my thread count estimates are correct, I’ll get a solid decade out of those classy skivvies for sure!
Going commando.
After its disintegration into the lint trap, I wore the surviving waistband like an underwear belt till I built up the courage to go full commando. So when my mom bought me this current pair four years ago, it was nice to have a second option.
Wash them often. We’re talkin’ once a week!
Look, I wouldn’t have landed a wife if our first sexual encounters involved underwear with more than a week of consecutive wears. Pick a generic color like gray, so she thinks you have a multipack of the same color. Once she inevitably sees that you only have the one pair, her love for you will hopefully outweigh her disgust in you.
Only buy something if it’ll actually save your life.
She was right about buying disinfectant and a bandage after I got bit by a squirrel after giving it the finger. Doc said that staph infection would’ve ended me for sure. Is old underwear somehow life-threatening too? I have absolutely no idea what is or isn’t fatal. I’d ask her but she’ll probably just say it’ll kill me so I’ll have to buy a new pair. Ugh! Her consumerism knows no bounds!
Record Store Owner Figures He’s Five or Six More Taylor Swift Album Releases Away From Retiring Comfortably
BY CHRIS BOWEN
NIAGARA FALLS, N.Y. — Dale Buttry, owner of cherished local record store Spinsy’s Records and Tapes, has come to the conclusion that he should be able to retire after about five or six more Taylor Swift releases, according to his loose calculations.
“I’m sure you’ve seen that insane statistic about Taylor Swift albums accounting for like, 99% of all record sales in 2023 or whatever, and that means good things for crusty old record shop owners like myself,” Buttry stated, adding her album “Midnights” made up 75% of sales at his store alone in 2022. “With the announcement of ‘Tortured Poets Department,’ I’m already seeing dollar signs as I figure the limited edition ‘Travis Kelce Brain Trauma CT Scan’ vinyl variant will sell out in two minutes. I guess I’ll consider myself a Swiftie too as long as my profits from her albums keep filling up my retirement account.”
Longtime customer Stacy Pinchard was hopeful for the future of her favorite record store.
“This place helped me lay down the groundwork for the music nerd I am today, and by music nerd, I mean they sold me my first Devo record,” Pinchard explained while adding the fact that she hopes Taylor Swift stays relevant long enough for Spinsy’s to stay afloat. “I don’t care for billionaires or mainstream mindless pop music myself, but if Dale can keep the shop open and save money for retirement solely on Swift’s musical diarrhea, then I’m totally on board. After all, that guy is old as hell already. He needs to call it quits before he croaks.”
Taylor Swift’s PR representative Richard Dolan believed the nation was living in what he referred to as a “Swift-Based Economy.”
“Screw the auto industry! I think it’s time we recognize the fact that Taylor is the new backbone of the American economy,” Dolan enthusiastically stated. “Think about what she’s done for the concert ticket industry. She’s inadvertently made the lousy Kansas City Chiefs into one of the most lucrative sports franchises in history just by dating one of their no-name players. And she’s on track to single-handedly boost Boeing’s profits just by riding around in her own jet. If you ain’t on the Swift train already, you will be, whether you want to or not, goddamnit.”
At press time, Spinsy’s Records and Tapes was fined a substantial amount for selling Taylor Swift live bootleg LPs in order to provide more cash for his children’s college fund.
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Boeing Reminds Passengers Planes Are All Still in Early Access
ARLINGTON, Va — After weeks of reported malfunctions and passenger injuries, Boeing responded to customer concerns by reminding the community that its planes are still in early access.
“All of our released planes currently remain in early access, so some issues are to be expected,” Boeing said in a statement. “Fortunately, many airlines were willing to purchase our planes at full price, knowing that they may very well never be ready for a production release. Early access is extremely important to Boeing, because we truly believe that the development of airplanes is a collaborative process between our manufacturing teams and airline passengers themselves.”
“In addition, the money earned from these planes being in use for the last 25 years will continue to help crowdfund development for bug fixes, like making sure the door stays on once the plane reaches altitude.”
Sean Pullman, a frequent flier, was less than enthused by the admission.
“How have I been paying full price to fly on planes that aren’t even ready to be released to the public? I just need to get from one place to another, without dying. I shouldn’t have to be sending in bug reports for every missing bolt, busted MCAS, loose tire, overheating cable bundle, or hydraulic gear fire. And honestly, I’m not feeling great about pointing out issues with Boeing’s planes after what happened to the last guy.”
The FAA also released a response to Boeing’s statement through its spokesperson, Kay Whitley.
“Ultimately, our job as a government agency is to take a step back and allow airline manufacturers to decide how best to regulate themselves, and then do investigations into the resulting issues. Once we’ve determined that the companies are indeed negligent, we come up with a fine for them to pay that looks like a large sum of money but is really absolutely meaningless beneath the wave of profits they make every year. Besides, it’s not like anyone’s dead.”
At press time, Whitley was seen confirming her next United flight would be on an AAA Airbus.
Jonathan Majors Sentenced to One Year in DC Extended Universe
BY TED CURTIS
After being convicted of assault and harassment last year, former MCU star Jonathan Majors was officially sentenced to one year of starring in DC Extended Universe films today.
As part of his sentence, the actor will be expected to act in numerous projects featuring characters from the DC universe for the span of at least a year, as well as studio-mandated reshoots, promotional videos, and inevitable tax write-offs.
“Justice has been served,” Veronica Knight, district attorney, said on courthouse steps. “Mr. Majors will be away from society, thinking about the pain he caused while forced to shoot in the less successful superhero movies.”
Ex-Marvel director James Gunn said he was excited for the court-ordered addition to his team.
“I’ve got a plan for the DCU, and Mr. Majors fits right in,” Gunn said in a statement. “Maybe we’ll have him play Starro the Conqueror or Polka-Dot Man’s long-lost cousin.”
“I’d love to see him team up with Ezra Miller if possible,” said one fan who came to support Majors at the sentencing. “Innocent until proven guilty – and then thereafter as well – in my book.”
Dan Francis, the court-appointed film producer tasked with overseeing Majors’ sentence in the DCEU, spoke to reporters outside the courthouse. “I will ensure he serves every minute of his sentence,” Francis said. “He’ll be playing a wide range of characters, from obscure villains to forgotten sidekicks. We’re even considering him for the role of Bat-Mite, just to really drive home the punishment.”
Majors has declined any comment on his future career plans. Representations from Marvel say they’ve severely altered their future MCU projects in light of the actor’s sentence.
“We’re scrambling to find a replacement for Majors in our upcoming projects,” Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige admitted. “Although honestly I think as long as we shoot it right we can put pretty much anyone in a superhero outfit and we’ll get one of those weird public applause breaks at movie theaters across the country.”
At press time Judge Maxwell Thompson, who presided over the case, had one final comment as he left the courthouse. “I hope this sentence sends a clear message to Hollywood,” Thompson said. “If you commit a crime, the long arm of the law will find you and make you do a cameo in Shazam: Fury of The Gods.”
Perfect Day in Silent Hill Ruined by Tourist and His Traumatic Past
BY NICK COFFMAN
SILENT HILL – A wonderful day about town came to a screeching halt as Benjamin Moore, a well-traveled everyman, drove through Silent Hill haunted by his traumatic past, residents confirmed.
According to eye-witness reports, blood curdling screams and a thick fog replaced the bird chirps and rays of sunshine that were making for a pretty normal day in this sleepy town.
“It’s just very inconsiderate to make your problems everyone else’s,’” local florist Patty Mills said, brandishing a shotgun and a windbreaker. “I’ve got problems too buddy, but you don’t see me ruining everyone’s day with fog and fetus monsters.”
Silent Hillian Weston Payne and his family say they were looking forward to their annual trip to Lakeside Amusement Park. They now find themselves locked in their car, waiting for Moore to move on.
“Living in this beautiful town comes at a cost. Every once in a while, some trauma-dumping tourist rides on through and opens up The Otherworld. It’s just the price of small town living, I guess,” Payne said from a crack in his car door window. “Some people go to therapy to work out their issues. Others let their troubles manifest into phallic worm monsters that torment the locals.”
Going against the grain, some locals are in support of Moore as he faces whatever is eating him.
“The only way to paradise is through hell. We deserve all the suffering that will soon commence,” said a cloaked individual who refused to share their name. “The Order will rise again and we have Benjamin Moore and his daddy issues to thank for that. I wish a pleasant suffering to you all.”
At press time, mounds of flesh without arms, which I can only assume symbolize Moore’s cold relationship with his father, could be seen running amok on 5th street.
Gamers Under Attack? Congress Votes to Ban Lower Half of Every TikTok Video
WASHINGTON DC — The House voted to approve a blatantly anti-gamer bill today that would see the bottom half of every Tiktok video, often a safe refuge for gamers as they watch a cooking video or whatever, banned.
“Is any gamer really surprised they chose to ban the bottom half and not the top half?” one online commenter going by the username ImJustMen said. “It’s a targeted attack on us. They know we cannot physically endure a complete 14 second dance video without visual gamer support.”
The disturbing bill now goes to the senate, where it’s fate is uncertain. But Biden has said he intends to approve it if given a chance.
“No surprise — Biden is nothing more than a puppet for Sweet Baby Inc,” one online commenter said. “Being a gamer in this country is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, but I refuse to give in. I’m downloading a ton of 2x speed Minecraft gameplay right now and will just hold a second phone halfway over my first so I can get through these videos without clicking away. If Uncle Sam wants to take that from me he’ll have to come and try.”
As of press time, the devs behind Subway Surfers were reportedly beginning to wonder if they should spent more on their Washington lobbying.
Game Studio Grinds Employees Into Dirt for 72 on Metacritic
BY MATT RINGLER
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A recently leaked internal memo from video game developer Jamtown Studios about working conditions leading up to their recently released character-action game Harmonious has made the rounds of social media today.
Per the memo:
“We are in a dire situation. We must band together and push through to the finish line. This is going to take a lot of sacrifices, a lot of late nights, a lot of missed time with loved ones, but it’ll all be worth it in the end. We are creating something life changing. Something that’ll leave an impact on this world. Something that will stay just above having a 6 handle on Metacritic.
If you have any questions, please follow up with your manager or Jennifer as I will be on vacation with my family until the end of the month. Get the patch out.”
At press time, Harmonious currently holds a 72 on Metacritic.
“We were working 80+ hour weeks. Some people were sleeping in their cars” said a Senior Engineer who requested to remain anonymous. “We had a running bet each day to see who would get a migraine first before lunch. The winner would get the sole Excedrin pill corporate is willing to pay for.”
Reviews of Harmonious noted that the game is “uninspired,” “relies heavily on overplayed story tropes,” and “has a combat system that is fun for the first 30 minutes, but becomes bland very quickly.”
Additional Jamtown Studios devs, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed the working conditions required to receive the elusive C- grade.
“We had people collapsing in the halls,” said a Junior Artist. “In my area of the office, it wasn’t uncommon to hear someone scream in pain. It was their hand seizing up from overuse. You’d just be glad it wasn’t you and keep going.”
“We’d constantly get new feature requests from upper management or department heads and just pray they would change their mind again before we wasted any time working on them,” said a Producer on the gameplay team. “I just felt so bad for our QA Testers on the team too. You’d see them come in, but never see them leave.”
Harmonious is currently available for purchase and discounted at all major retailers.
