Hard Digest March 12: Seinfeld, Early Access Radiohead, Dracula, Prog Rock, and More

What’s the Deal With Airline Whistleblowers Mysteriously Dying? (Guest Article by Jerry Seinfeld)

BY ERIC DEGLIOMINI 

So I was reading the newspaper today and I couldn’t help but think, what’s the deal with airline whistleblowers being found with their brains blown out? Was the whistle they were blowing actually a loaded gun? And why is it always a gunshot to the head right before a guy testifies against a major corporation with massive financial stakes? I mean hello, this guy worked for the company for 32 years, he clearly knew a thing or two. Maybe he just didn’t want to write it all down, maybe he thought it would be easier to splatter his brain against the wall of a hotel room, and what’s the deal with those hotel room keys?

Who brings a gun to a hotel anyway? The only way I believe he shot himself is if there’s proof that he accidentally took something from the mini-bar. Have you seen what they change in these things? $15 for a bag of M&M’s! And they have it under alarms and motion sensors. I feel like I’m stealing the Mona Lisa using those things! It might be called a “mini-bar,” but those prices are maxed out. One time I accidentally drank one of the bottled waters next to my bed, I looked at the price tag and it said I’d have to give them my 1970 Porsche 908/03 Spyder, suicide seems like a good option in that scenario.

I suspect some foul play. And why do they call it foul play? Did a bunch of ducks start a pick-up game of basketball before shooting this guy and staging it to make it look like the gunshot was self-inflicted? You have to assume the assassin who carried out the hit is worried. I mean what’s the deal with an assassin’s to-do list?

• Walk the dog
• Grab some bread
• Murder a man with enough information to bring down the world’s biggest multinational corporations
• Pick up Lucy from field hockey

I mean it’s madness, where does it end? I just hope that the assassin didn’t grab anything from the mini-bar on the way out.

What’s the deal with people labeling me a conspiracy theorist for raising a few questions? And what’s the deal with the random letter I got in my mailbox that says “Shut your mouth or you’ll wind up dead too”? And why was it on Boeing letterhead? I mean what’s the deal murder for hire these days? Do you pay upfront? Do you pay half and then pay the rest when the guy shows up with a few photos of a dead body? Make sure you tip the waitstaff and if you have information about multibillion-dollar corporations that could destroy their bottom line make sure you stay anonymous.

Prog Rock Drummer’s Newest Cymbal Just For Decoration

BY MATT GRIMMINCK

BOSTON — Local prog rock drummer Anthony St. Reed of the outfit Milton’s Quill debuted his new cymbal that’s “just for decoration,” confirmed sources who had some follow-up questions.

“I just thought this new crash tied the kit together,” St. Reed said while also browsing for decorative floor toms online. “I didn’t really test how well it sounds nor did I even try it out at the store — that’s what the other 17 cymbals are for. But placing it in the right spot where the light reflects off it is the chef’s kiss. We prog rockers aren’t known for our flashiness, so I’m happy to add some razzle dazzle while a rat-a-tat-tat. This cymbal is merely for the audience’s visual enjoyment.”

St. Reed’s aesthetically pleasing cymbal caught the attention of the only woman in attendance at yesterday’s Milton’s Quill show.

“I mean, it just made the whole kit POP!” said Michelle Sullivan, who attended the show with her boyfriend. “As someone who watches a lot of design shows on HGTV, I loved what he was trying to do here. The size, the color, the symmetry — all impressive. Even impressive enough to look past the two cowbells he plays. The cymbal was elegant yet screamed, ‘HERE I AM!’ This new addition made the band’s three-hour set easier to watch. I will definitely be attending their next show to get a better look at that percussive marvel.”

St. Reed’s new cymbal even caught the attention of local players, most of them not currently in bands.

“As a fellow skinsman, I’ve been tallying how often he’s hit that new crash,” said local drum expert Dan Cleardale. “My stats indicate he’s lagging behind compared to the other cymbals in his kit. Like, by a large margin. For instance, he’s already hit his splash 352 times in their first two songs, but he barely touched that crash during his 12 minute solo. If that were me, I’d be playing so much tighter if I had that cymbal. There should be more sticks marks on that bad boy!”

At press time, Milton’s Quill guitarist was seen buying a new full-stack amplifier that would be used only as an on-stage ornament during upcoming shows.

The Next Dracula? This Eastern European Guy Just Bit Me

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

HELP! Please you have to do something, I’m not sure how much time I have left until I turn. As you can see, I’ve clearly been bitten and holy fuck does it hurt. I don’t think antiseptics are going to fix this problem, because this injury may involve intervention from the church.

If you would believe it, we may have the next Dracula on our hands because this random Eastern European guy is the one who just bit me.

Now I’m no Johnathan Harker, despite my three-week stint selling real estate after college, but I think I know when I’m about to become the victim of someone’s insatiable bloodlust. If he weren’t from the Order of the Dragon, why was he morbidly pale, dressed in all black, and wearing so many gold chains? All he was missing was the widow’s peak hairline!

Alright so maybe I thought all vampires looked like the ones from “Tru Blood” or the goths that hang out at the mall and not middle-aged dudes in Adidas tracksuits, especially with so much body hair. Now that I think about it he could be part werewolf.

Before you ask, I am fully aware that the likelihood of this man being an immortal, wealthy, and undead nobleman are slim to none. But I can’t rule out the possibility of him not having been bitten by a vampire at some point in his life, and that’s probably what led him to take a chunk out of my shoulder as I fought over the last pack of Chesterfield cigs at the bodega. It must be nice to smoke all you want and not get cancer, Vlad!

There is no way he was human, given how fast he went from a squat to being at my throat. In his defense though, I did call him a “Romanian fuckwad” and he looked more Maldovan or Hungarian. I’m pretty sure wherever in the former Eastern Bloc he hails from is littered with ominous castles where he was up to unsavory vampiric shenanigans, I assume.

But now that the sun is finally rising, he can’t bleed me dry or beat me half to death for being ignorant about European geography. Wait is that… oh shit it’s him! But that’s impossible! Well, this can only mean one thing: he’s one of those daywalkers.

Welp, false alarm everyone! If you’ll excuse me, I need to go katana shopping.

“Radiohead’s Music Saved My Life” Says Man Whose Life Was Actually Saved by Paramedic With Imagine Dragons Tattoo

BY TIM SHEARD 

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local alternative music fan Devin Entmacher credited his life being saved by art rock band Radiohead despite him actually being rescued by complete stranger Derek Sanders, who has a prominent Imagine Dragons tattoo, sources confirmed.

“I can honestly say that I couldn’t have gotten through that horrific accident where I overdosed and crashed my car into a lake without ‘OK Computer’ playing on repeat. That and I guess the dude that dived in, pulled me out, and swam me to shore, where he administered Narcan. Long story short, Thom Yorke is a savior,” said Entmacher. “But anyway, as I was lying there unresponsive it was like I could hear the avant-garde and transcendent music of Radiohead calling me back to this world. While I was out cold I remember seeing an Imagine Dragons tattoo staring me right in my face for some reason. Not sure what that was all about. I guess angels are into bad pop music.”

Sanders claims Imagine Dragons inspired him to become a paramedic.

“Yeah, I mean it’s not that complicated. The guy needed help and I feel good when I help people. That’s just all part of being a Fire Breather,” said Sanders. “I just love this job. You get to meet all kinds of interesting folks. Like when that ODing guy woke up he was talking about all these things like the symbolism in ‘In Rainbows’ and the metaphors in ‘The King of Limbs.’ I’ve never heard of any of that stuff. People who have near-death experiences say the wildest things.”

Dr. Lauren Dy, who treated Entmacher once he was rushed to a hospital, stressed the importance of Sander’s more mainstream and hasty medical intervention.

“Without a doubt Mr. Sander’s pseudo-Christian and swift actions saved the patient’s life,” said Dr. Dy. “I cannot stress how important the immediate application of naloxone is in these situations. While the barebones, abstruse lyricism of ‘Kid A’ might help a marginal amount during the recovery process, Mr. Entmacher would undoubtedly be dead without the straight-foward, heavy-handed medical attention he received. As we all know, Radiohead hasn’t saved a single life. Modern medicine has.”

At press time, Sanders also revealed that The Cure got him through another difficult time in his life despite him actually getting through it thanks to his trust fund that was set up by his parents who mainly listen to Mozart and Beethoven.

More From The Hard Times:

“Trailer Park Boys” Characters Ranked by Class Consciousness 

30 Hardcore Albums That Turn 30 This Year To Remind You That Time Is A Cruel Mistress and That You Need to Schedule a Colonoscopy 

Millennial Wrestling Fan Unable to Try Moves at Home Due to Skyrocketing Housing Costs

BY MATT RINGLER 

PHILADELPHIA, PA — A millennial wrestling fan has come to the crushing realization that they’ll never be able to try wrestling moves at home due to skyrocketing housing costs.

“I thought one day I’d have a place of my own,” said Joe Cominski, a longtime South Philly renter. “Somewhere simple where I could do a powerbomb off the roof onto the trampoline – but when I started to look for houses in my price range, I was crushed.”

As housing prices continue to rise across the country, millennials like Cominski feel like they will be renting for the rest of their lives.

“A one bedroom apartment just isn’t enough space to hit a belly-to-belly suplex, let alone a german suplex,” said Cominski on a tour of his tiny South Philly apartment. “Plus I can’t risk any damage a 450 frog splash might cause. I need to get my security deposit back.”

During the tour, Cominski did show off a small space he was able to clear out in the living room where he was able to try out various holds.

“It helps scratch that itch, but it’s not the same as having a house with a roof you can jump off of. Maybe one day I’ll be able to afford to rent a two-bedroom and try some choke slams or drop kicks, but even that seems more unobtainable each day.”

At the end of the tour, Cominski was still hopeful that the day would come when he’ll be able to own his own home.

“I just have to keep a positive attitude. Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky and find a house I can afford with a nice back porch I can try an elbow drop from.”

Valorant Player Halfway Through Most Toxic Rant You’ve Ever Heard Offered Daily Wire Show

BY HARD DRIVE STAFF 

LOBBY – A Valorant player halfway through the most foul, shockingly ignorant rant you’ve ever heard over voice chat has reportedly been stopped halfway through his tirade and offered a weekly show at The Daily Wire.

Sources confirmed that Daily Wire representatives were quick to reach out to the conservative media prospect, who goes by the username MgtowMike, after being thoroughly impressed by the sheer level of toxicity and highly engaging rage bait content he managed to spew in a single match.

“We knew we had to have him on board,” said a Daily Wire spokesperson. “His ability to take any news item and turn it into a sign of the collapse of western civilization is one of the best we’ve ever seen. This is why we have talent scouts.”

The rant, which spanned approximately 45 minutes across two servers after he was kicked from the first one, reportedly covered topics ranging from the supposed cultural inferiority of MgtowMike’s teammates to wild accusations about the personal lives and citizenship status of rival players.

“I was just in the zone, you know?” MgtowMike told reporters when asked about the epic speech which landed him the Daily Wire gig. “I’ve never let anything stop me. Not the censors, not the matrix, and not my .43 K/D.”

The Daily Wire has announced that MgtowMike’s new show, tentatively titled “Triggering Headshots,” will premiere next month. The show is expected to feature the gamer’s trademark blend of unhinged rants and mediocre gameplay footage.

“We’re thrilled to have MgtowMike join our lineup,” said Daily Wire founder Ben Shapiro. “He’s promised us he will promote his show by tagging Elon Musk even more frequently and desperately than Jordan Peterson does so we’re expecting big things.”

At press time, MgtowMike was reportedly in negotiations for a book deal and a speaking tour at various harassment campaign Discords.

AMC Announces Every Zombie in The Walking Dead Getting Its Own Spin-Off

BY MATT FRESH 

NEW YORK — AMC thrilled fans of The Walking Dead series today with an announcement that each and every zombie ever shown on screen will be getting its own official spin-off show.

AMC Executive Vice-President of Walker Content Alfred Hickenbottom revealed the plans for the new shows in a press release.

“We know how much Walking Dead fans love this universe and don’t want to see it end so we’re always looking for ways to force it to continue. This new push of content will keep it running forever,” the statement read. “Even in an actual zombie apocalypse you’ll still have new Walking Dead shows to consume. These new shows will also help us during the content draughts we experience when Norman Reedus is doing something with Hideo Kojima.”

Hickenbottom isn’t worried about this many new Walking Dead shows having diminishing returns.

“We used to be the number one show on cable for years before viewers left en masse but the ones that stayed are here for life. We know they’ll watch anything if they didn’t leave during season eight. We’re currently on our sixth spin-off show so what’s a few thousand more? We know our fans will tune in whether it’s to see what Daryl Dixon is inexplicably doing in Paris or to see the ten episode origin of the Walker that killed T-Dog in season 3.”

Fans of the show are excited to have more stories in this universe.

“I’ve always wanted to know about the little girl walker from the pilot episode. It’s the only time we ever see her and it’s been bugging me for over a decade so to have an entire series dedicated to her is awesome and the same goes for all the other walkers getting their own series,” said super fan Stephanie Hartstone “Playing games on my phone during Walking Dead has been a weekly tradition for years and I’m happy it will continue forever.”

At press time, AMC is also planning on giving each zombie a tie-in video game from GameMill Entertainment.