thehardtimes

Hard Digest March 11: 311 Day, Early Access Target, Drug Dealers, and More

Added 2024-03-12 00:00:05 +0000 UTC

Child of Divorced Stoners Not Excited to Celebrate Two 311 Days

CORAM, N.Y. — Local eight-year-old Evie Doyleson was completely turned off by the idea of having to celebrate 311 Day twice due to her recently divorced pot-loving parents having joint custody of her, sources confirmed.

“I’m still getting the hang of all of these weird holidays, like Arbor Day and 9/11, but I just don’t get what’s so special about this one,” said Doyleson. “The only real tradition for this holiday seems to be laying motionless on the couch for hours at a time, listening to one band all day, smoking something out of a glass vase that smells like a skunk, browsing hemp necklaces and sandals on Amazon, eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch straight from the box, passing out by 4:30 p.m., and forgetting to make me dinner again. Can’t believe I have to do this twice a year for the rest of my life.”

Doyleson’s parents didn’t see what the big deal was with having to celebrate the day twice.

“She needs to grow up and show some respect by listening to ‘All Mixed Up’ every hour on the hour this afternoon and later today when she’s with her mother,” said Mark Doyleson, father of one, hopefully. “She also throws a huge fit for having to celebrate a handful of 420s a year. You see, her mom and I each throw separate 420 Day parties and also celebrate the Monday after the holiday and then the entire month thereafter, which can sometimes last the rest of the year and then some. Participating in 311 Day is the least she can do to make up for the fact that we have to buy her Christmas presents every year until further notice.”

Experts had some ideas about getting children more interested in the unconventional day.

“It’s tough to get your young ones excited for holidays that don’t involve them specifically,” said psychologist Brenda Hummingsworth. “Don’t get me wrong. You can still make that happen. Just look at Easter. This day is about Jesus or something like that, but we got children involved by making up a six-foot-tall bunny that brings them pre-packaged chocolate and marshmallow Peeps the day after we stain eggs with them. 311 Day just needs a catchy mascot and tradition like that. Like Hexum the Panda that delivers amber-colored Reese’s Pieces that morning after they paint glass bongs. That’s how to get your kids excited for this day. Not with 311 music.”

At press time, Doyleson was also not excited for the following week as she had to spend the St. Patrick’s Day holiday with her alcoholic uncle.

Man Buying Records at Target Also Buys Condoms to Make It Less Weird at Checkout

BY LIAM STEPHENSON

SAYVILLE, N.Y. — Local man Dave Greggory added a pack of condoms to his handbasket to distract from the fact that he was about to purchase records at Target, sources confirmed.

“I went with the XXL magnum ones to make it less awkward,” said Greggory while standing in line to check out. “I’m not sure if I’m getting side-eyed looks because I’m buying vinyl at a corporate retail chain or that I’m purchasing a record from Imagine Dragons. Regardless, my strategy is to put the condoms on the conveyor belt first to offset the remaining transactions. Sure, I could just go to the self-checkout, but the last time I did that, the machine malfunctioned and no less than a dozen Target employees came to help only to stare directly at my Twenty One Pilots record I was about to buy for several seconds. Believe me, this plan is what’s best for all parties involved.”

Target cashier Barry Nepil wasn’t fooled in the slightest by the purchase.

“At one point, the guy acted like someone else put the record in his basket like he wasn’t actively choosing to buy it. But then he went ahead and bought it anyway,” said Nepil. “Immediately after, I noticed him returning the condoms at customer service he had also purchased. It’s a sad state of affairs for people like this. That’s why I buy all my records at Barnes and Noble where I can also buy a book or two that I end up just throwing in the garbage outside the store. Books are a much more convincing distraction for the cashier.”

Experts have been seeing odd consumer patterns like this emerge recently.

“We’re seeing more and more people buy vinyl from unorthodox retail locations as opposed to local establishments,” said consumer behavior specialist Barry Wisenberg. “But we’re also seeing a rise in shame from the same folks who buy music from places where you can also purchase toilet paper, apparel, and televisions. For instance, studies have shown that even if someone orders a record from Amazon, chances are they’re also buying condoms or something to distract from the main purchase. Let’s be honest, no one who buys a Radiohead album off Amazon is having sex. But they still attempt to distract Amazon anyway.”

At press time, Greggory was seen buying tampons to distract from the fact he was about to purchase a record player from Target despite him not knowing any women.

I Know I Said I Liked Smart Women but by ‘Smart’ I Meant Dumber Than Me, so Now We Have to Break Up

BY DOUG KOLIC

Dearest Katie,

It pains me to have to write you this since we’ve spent so much time together over the past few months, but alas, there’s just no other way. I want you to know that I enjoyed our time getting to know each other so I’ll try to always remember the laughs we shared, not the pain that your higher intelligence caused our relationship.

When I stated in my online profile that I not only liked, but preferred smart women, I assumed it was implied that you’d still have to be the dumber one. I guess message not received. I don’t want you to don’t blame yourself, but certainly don’t blame me. You should be old enough to know that when men say we want a girl with a brain we mean it has to be relative to ours. Then again if you’re so smart maybe you should have seen this coming.

Don’t get me wrong, and please don’t tell your attractive single female friends otherwise, but I am still a fierce feminist ally just like the T-shirts I wear say. I will always support strong-minded, independent, resourceful women. I think this planet needs more of you to finally take down the patriarchy and challenge men’s skewed worldviews, just not when it comes to challenging my specific one. Some things are just better in theory.

If you want some advice for your next relationship, maybe don’t brag about your big brain so much. I didn’t need to know about the books you’ve read, all the diplomas you obtained or the places you’ve been. I’ve been to plenty of exotic places too, but you never seemed interested about my time backpacking in the Dakotas or when I visited the Eiffel Tower in Vegas.

Perhaps our paths will cross again, maybe when we’re a little bit older and blessed with more life experience. How about we make a pact. If we’re both still unmarried in ten years, let’s get married. As long as both of our visions for the future and our expectations in a partner lineup, and obviously as long as your IQ plummets to where we can have a conversation without me having to Google all those big words you like to shove down my throat.

Sincerely,
Brad

Drug Dealer’s 1000th Customer Wins Free Explanation of How the Government Really Works

BY LIAM STEPHENSON

TWIN FALLS, Idaho — A local drug dealer’s 1,000th customer was lucky enough to win a free explanation of how the government “really” works, confirmed sources who desperately tried to think of any excuse to leave but couldn’t come up with anything plausible.

“It wasn’t until the second hour of his rant that I started to question every life decision that brought me to this exact moment in time,” said Joey Pulton before checking his phone for the 85th time since he’s been there. “Had I known he was going to go on and on about how the global elites control everything and that they’re not actually reptilian humanoids but in fact amphibian, I would’ve gotten my cocaine from a more introverted dealer. Unfortunately, he didn’t stop there. He also told me that Earth was not round, or even flat, but in reality a cube. Let’s just say I don’t think I’ll be coming back to this guy for all my stimulant needs.”

Drug dealer Jack “And Coke” Baldchamber had complete conviction in his explanation of the government.

“You see, there’s actually a deep state within the deep state. It’s a cabal of people who drink the blood of baby whales. And they definitely faked the Mars landing so that we’d have to be dependent on 5G because the vaccine turned us magnetic,” said Baldchamber. “Anyway, I’m just so grateful to have Joey as a patron. For some reason, I don’t see a lot of returning customers anymore. I just assume most people don’t consume more than one dose total nowadays. But hey, that’s all part of the business of dealing drugs to sheeple who always look like they’re hearing about how the system actually works for the first time in their lives.”

Experts believe there are a lot more people like Baldchamber out there than we even know.

“We’re seeing more and more individuals without college or even high school degrees believe that they understand how government truly operates,” said political analyst Janet Brownstone. “And while there is indeed rampant corruption occurring on the state and federal levels, these people focus on outlandish claims that sound more like the plot of a sci-fi movie than the reality that politicians are just bought by mega-corporations to protect their interests and profits. If we’re going to distrust the government, at least make sure your reasoning is believable.”

At press time, Pulton had no choice but to point in a far-off direction, yell “What’s that,” and run away from Baldchamber without ever receiving the drugs that he had already purchased.

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Opinion: There’s Nothing I Hate More Than My Favorite Game

BY ALEC WALKER

I need to play my favorite game every day or else I’ll die. Similarly, if I continue playing this game I will kill myself. So you can see the predicament that I’m in. When I cry I can’t even tell if they’re sad tears or tears of joy. I hate this game so much I can’t even bring myself to write its name.

I’ve been playing since I was 9 years old and I’m 25 now. Most of the anger I’ve ever felt can be traced back to this game, and yet I must return every day with a smile on my face, duty-bound to feel the pain of playing it. When I win, I feel like God himself, smiting those who have desecrated the world I have created. When I lose, I simply blame the devs so the rage stays tucked away deep inside my hollow soul.

The best part about my favorite game is how it’s got its own unique style, but its main appeal is that it’s unfinished and broken. What’s the point of playing a game that works every time you open it? Where’s the mystery in that? It’ll break for absolutely no reason whatsoever, and it ruins my entire week because that means I can no longer ruin my entire week by playing it. I get hostile towards everyone I know because I was momentarily freed from the eternal prison that is this game and I love every second of it.

Every time I uninstall the game to try to fix one of the many issues that makes it unplayable, I sit there for a second after. Should I reinstall it? Or should I move on, become happy again, and probably become a billionaire with all the free time I’d suddenly have?

But time and time again, I find myself reinstalling like the trained pain-seeking dog I am. The lure is simply too powerful. I can always feel I’m only way-too-many Gigabytes of hard drive space away from going to bed angry again. Sure, my routine is slowly killing me inside, but it’s my routine! I need my routine.

At this point I am sure you are aware of my favorite game. I’ll tell you, but only because we’ve trauma bonded over this together and you seem cool. It’s Burger King Pocket Bike Racer.

Oscars In Memoriam to Include Coyote vs. Acme

BY GARY KERLS

LOS ANGELES – Hoping to rectify audience disappointment with last year’s incomplete “In Memoriam” segment, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will include everything lost in the film industry last year, including the eternally shelved WB project, Coyote vs. Acme.

“We’ve lost so many people and projects in the industry this year that we, as the Academy, need to honor and recognize,” said Academy President, Jannet Yang, to the press earlier today. “Whether they died of natural causes, under the iron fist of David Zaslov, or having been shot by the voice of the Boss Baby, every lost soul will be celebrated on Hollywood’s biggest stage.”

The cast and crew of Coyote vs. Acme, who remained hopeful for a possible future release, see this memorial as a final anvil to the head.

“I’ve made a living in this business being humiliated for over 70 years,” says star Wile E. Coyote. “But this dedication to the lost hard work of so many great people stings worse than hitting a painted tunnel on the side of a cliff at full speed.”

The In Memoriam segment is expected to last close to 25 minutes, five times longer than previous years. To accompany the touching tribute to Hollywood’s fallen soldiers, John Cena will perform an extended rendition of Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” entirely in Mandarin.

“It’ll be an honor and a privilege to be a part of this celebration of cinema,” said the former WWE star, “Hopefully next year I’ll be on that stage under different circumstances, perhaps accepting an award for portraying Ricky Stanicky.”

At press time, additional members of the prestigious award show’s segment are set to include Rooster Teeth and Johnathan Majors’ future in the MCU.

Gamer Insists Being Systematically Proven Wrong About Assertions Just Indicates How Deep This Rabbit Hole Goes

BY THOMAS WILDE

TORONTO – Hardcore gamer Bryce Wilkinson has cracked this whole thing wide open, despite multiple indications that he’s based his core assertions on an incorrect assumption.

“One company is responsible for feminizing the entirety of Western gaming by rewriting plots, redesigning characters, destroying masculine values, and even showing me images of people who don’t look like me,” Wilkinson told Hard Drive, projecting a thin film of saliva into the air with every word.

The one company in question, Sweet Baby Inc., is a Montreal-based narrative design consultancy firm and also, as per a crack investigation by some of the Internet’s strangest little freaks, the source of all evil.

“They pretend to be about narrative development, particularly in terms of inclusive world-building and cultural accuracy. But that’s all a cover,” Wilkinson said while gesturing wildly at a detective-styled board on his wall. “If we don’t fight back now every white male gamer will be in prison in a matter of weeks.”

Sweet Baby’s working process is exhaustively detailed on its website and in several articles, which also features testimony from multiple past collaborators, another sign that perhaps there’s no telling how high this thing goes, some noted.

“We’ve found through focus testing that games tend to perform better when they naturally represent diverse characters and perspectives, since we’re trying to sell these games to everyone in the world,” said Dylan Hopkins, a junior narrative designer on Marvel’s Spider-Man 2. “In other words, it’s demographics, not a conspiracy. We’re trying to make money. And we don’t want anything offensive to accidentally slip in, an effort which ultimately offended a group of people online I suppose.”

Despite multiple testimonies similar to Hopkins being easily found online, none were included in the theories that continue to circulate via social media that Sweet Baby is behind the collapse of Western Gaming Civilization.

“The media is in on it too – no surprise since they all sleep together. They trade hot woke sex for positive reviews and inclusive quotas,” Wilkinson said via Discord DM. “Of course I’m not invited but I can’t even be an unbiased, neutral observer? So much for being ‘inclusive’ if they won’t even let me watch.”

At time of writing, Sweet Baby had released a comment that was simply the word “sigh.”