Hard Digest March 9: Early Access Kerry King, Piercers, Sweet Child O' Mine, and More

Kerry King Desperately Searching Ultimate Guitar App for Correct Tab of “Raining Blood”

BY ROB RYDER 

LOS ANGELES — Longtime Slayer guitarist Kerry King is reportedly scouring tabs on UltimateGuitar.com in a sudden attempt to relearn some of his most famous riffs before the band’s reunion shows, sources confirmed.

“I have to admit, I haven’t picked up the guitar much over the past five years. It’s not that I’m lazy, I’m just busy. Between gardening, antique spoon collecting, and adding to my extensive collection of rare exotic reptiles, I just haven’t had time to shred,” said King while waiting to get through all 17 pop-up ads before arriving at the Ultimate Guitar home screen. “I’ve heard this app is so good that there are always 10 to 12 versions of the same song on it. I’m sure the staff over at Ultimate Guitar have pretty rigorous quality control for anything they allow on the site. However, I still haven’t found a guitar tab that includes that cool clap of thunder at the beginning of the track. I don’t remember how I did that on guitar.”

This was not the first time King has sought help for his guitar skills.

“I tried…believe me…I tried,” lamented Dave Hernandez, guitar instructor once hired by manager Rick Sales. “They always bring me in a few months before Slayer starts a new tour. Turns out, Kerry forgets everything he’s ever written within days of guitar inactivity. I try to keep it simple; scales, building chords, sweep picking…things that really could benefit any guitarist. Unfortunately, it just never sticks with Kerry and we have to do it all over again before their next tour.”

Metal guitarists seem excited by the possibility of having their tab selected by King for his lessons.

“My version of ‘Raining Blood’ is flawless,” said Jay Canto, creator of “RAINING BLOOD correct version BEST and solo_3.” “I nailed every part of the song. Well, except for the solo, interlude, bridge, and outro, but honestly I think those parts are pretty self-explanatory. Drop D is really the secret to Slayer, my friend Jeff always says it’s half-step down, but seriously, listen to the album, you don’t get that heavy without drop tuning.”

At press time, King was said to be looking up bass lines for “Angel of Death” to avoid involving Tom Araya in the reunion.

After Ten Years of Marriage, My Wife and I Still Make Time to Cook Dinner, Go On Walks, and Talk Shit About Everyone Else

BY ADAM FROST-VENRICK 

When my wife Sophia and I first announced our engagement, we were surprised when it was met with a muted response from friends and family. They said things like: we were too young, we hadn’t seen enough of life, we would grow to change and possibly resent each other. Well nobody said marriage would be easy. But neither of us have ever seen why it has to be a chore. After ten years, we still manage to keep the spark of romance alive through simple things, like movie nights, hiking, and making sure we spend at least four hours a night relentlessly talking shit and mocking every single person we know.

Yes, after a long day at work or a terrible commute home there is nothing we would rather do than curl up together, pour a couple glasses of wine and absolutely drag our ugly-ass friends, disgusting neighbors, and mentally unstable family members through the mud. Like Sophia’s old college roommate Laura, who just gave birth. Well good luck to her and her husband, I guess, what a blessing, you have the ugliest baby we have ever seen. This kid makes the “Friday Night Lights” baby look like the fucking Gerber baby.

Sometimes we like to be adventurous. We took a couples’ Italian cooking class and learned to make veal scallopini. Then, on the way home, we made fun of the other couple there (who, by the way, would’ve done better in a diet program than a cooking class) who spent the entire time taking little shots at each other. We’d never do that. Our love is stronger than their love. Our love is the best love.

On weekends, if the weather behaves, we’ll sometimes like to go out to state parks, or the beach and hike around. The fresh air, beautiful nature and secluded paths give us exactly the space we need to get away from it all. And talk shit. Like we do about our neighbor Phil, who has a noticeable, multinodular goiter on his neck. “I can’t even look at a grapefruit without thinking of it,” my wife tells me. And we laugh and laugh.

There’ve been difficult times too, of course. I’ll say it again people: MARRIAGE IS WORK! But even after arguments, blow-ups, and screaming matches, we’ve still never gone to bed angry. At each other. Because at heart, whether it’s my alcoholic stepfather Dave or Sophia’s co-worker Judy, whose husband cheats on her, we can always find someone else to take things out on. And we’ve never been happier.

Professional Piercer Lives in Shadow of Tattoo Artist Older Sibling

BY JULIE CARLSON 

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local piercer Archer Steele is reportedly accepting total inferiority compared to his tattoo artist older sibling after being spit on by a customer, disheartened employees confirmed.

“I was just trying to ask a client if their appointment was for a piercing or a tattoo. They laughed in my face and said ‘Do I look like I’m 12? It’s for a tattoo. Don’t talk to me again you fucking peasant.’ It turns out they had been waiting two years to see our best tattoo artist, who happens to be my perfect older brother Jasper,” said Steele, piercer at Fearless Tattoo. “When I first started my piercing journey, I would get so excited when a potential client would come in, thinking that me being needed would heal my deeply rooted attachment wounds. Now I know better than to think I’ll ever measure up.”

Archer and Jasper’s parents revealed they were not surprised to hear about the incident.

“I don’t really blame anyone for spitting in Archer’s face. He’s always been a really pathetic kid, meak, sickly looking, roundly offputting. We knew something was off when his first word was ‘hiya’ instead of ‘hi,’” said father Jett Steele. “Fortunately, his older brother Jasper is our pride and joy. He’s a creative genius and a prodigy who started tattooing the Cool S on his classmates when he was only in kindergarten. It’s pretty obvious Archer wanted to copy his brother, but went with piercing because he wasn’t talented enough to tattoo. It would be better for everyone if Archer pursued bigger things, like a mall security guard stationed by a Spencer’s or a medical guinea pig.”

Owner of Fearless Tattoo Gunner West reported that piercings and jewelry sales only made up 4% of the shop’s revenue last year.

“We offer piercing as a nonessential bonus that makes a little money, kind of like a candy machine at the front of a grocery store. It’s also a nice option when our regular tattoo customers bring their basic friends along–that’s when we do most of our earlobe and belly button piercings,” explained West. “But for the most part, people either go to Claire’s or follow the tried and true apple slice and sewing needle method from ‘The Parent Trap.’ There’s just not much artistry or skill involved in poking a hole.”

At press time, Jasper was embracing his new role as godparent to the firstborn child of the same customer who spit on Archer.

How I Quit the Apps and Started Meeting Men the Old-Fashioned Way by Playing the “Sweet Child O’ Mine” Riff Incorrectly at Guitar Center

BY SARA BOŽIN

Are you struggling to connect with modern dating? It’s been said that many people feel frustrated with the apps, and are looking for ways to meet a potential partner in person.

According to experts, the issue with dating apps is that they force you to paint yourself in a positive, competent light. And as much as that can make you attractive to potential matches at first, it’s not necessarily conducive to a long-term partnership. Sometimes, people can feel catfished when a dating profile advertises someone falsely.

So I brainstormed this brilliant icebreaker. Because if someone is going to date me, they need to know all of the things that truly make up who I am, including my lack of musical ability and attention-seeking tendencies.

I decided to start playing the “Sweet Child O’ Mine” riff incorrectly at Guitar Center for several hours at a time. I challenged myself to do it for five days in a row, and here’s how it went:

Day 1: Within seconds, a man approached me. He pointed out that I was playing the riff incorrectly, and gallantly offered to teach me. But as we were having our meet cute, another man approached us. He shoved the first guy out of the way, and then things escalated into a fistfight. Unfortunately, it reached the point where the employees were forced to call the police.

Day 2: Just like yesterday, a potential suitor came up to me almost immediately. He went to demonstrate how to play the riff, but struggled. He insisted that he hadn’t played it in a long while, and he was just rusty. As he fumbled around, another man approached him and offered a suggestion. They hit it off and began flirting, and eventually exchanged numbers.

Day 3: At first, I wondered if the employees were getting sick of hearing me play the same riff over and over. But now I’m fairly positive that they enjoy hearing it. In fact, one of them started crying what I can only assume were tears of joy. She even offered to pay one of the customers to come over and help me learn to play it correctly. What a great wingwoman!

Day 4: At this point, things were starting to feel a bit stale. So I decided to shake things up by playing some other songs incorrectly. Almost immediately, the manager came and kicked me out. When I asked why, they said something about how “this is a place of business” and I “can’t keep having rehearsals for my math rock band” there.

Day 5: Unfortunately, I was informed that I have been banned from several Guitar Center locations within North America. There are signs with a picture of me posted outside saying to not let me in. I’m disappointed but not heartbroken because it’s a pretty decent photo of me.

So there you have it! Although I didn’t find lasting love during this experiment, there were some undeniable successes here.

Sure, I still don’t know how to play the riff correctly. And I was banned from a major chain of businesses. But putting yourself out there is never really without risk.

A little rejection isn’t going to stop me, and I’m not giving up just yet! Because there are still plenty of fish in the sea, as well as other music stores. As they say: When God closes a door, he opens up a window. When you get banned from Guitar Center, a Sam Ash opens up down the street.

David Zaslav Sells WB Frog to 8th Grade Science Class

BY NICK COFFMAN

LOS ANGELES – In his latest high IQ business movie, Warner Brothers Discovery CEO, David Zaslav, has sold Michigan J. Frog (known as the WB Frog) to a needy 8th grade science class. Warner Brothers Discovery confirmed their latest sale in an internal email to workers obtained by Hard Drive.

“We would like to thank Michigan J. Frog for all his hard work over the years with WB. He danced right into our hearts and there he will forever stay,” the email from Zaslav reads. “This was not an easy decision to make as I really wanted to sell a human employee to the school instead but legal got all over me about it.”

According to sources inside the company Frog is heading to Wheaton Middle School in Wheaton, Wyoming. There he will work closely with Mr. Cramer’s 8th grade science class.

“This is a great opportunity for us. Administration cut our science budget for the year, so when David made me this offer, I leaped at it,” confirmed Mr. Cramer, an educator entering his 12th year of teaching at Wheaton. ”It’s tough in school right now. Administrators are refusing to pay for the basic supplies needed for success in the classroom. My kids needed frogs, and my god Mr. Cramer’s going to find a way to get them frogs.”

Michigan J. Frog, while reportedly upset by the sale, is hopeful the change of scenery will be good for him and his career.

“Sure, I’ll be working with the science class, but the arts and music departments at this school are some of the best in Wyoming,” Frog said with hat in hand. “I’ll help out with science during school hours and then volunteer my time with the dance team after school. This isn’t the last time you’ll be hearing the name, Michigan J. Frog.”

At press time, the tune of Hello My Baby could be heard in Mr. Cramer’s 8th grade science class before abruptly coming to an end.