thehardtimes

Hard Digest March 8: Early Access Aging, Mountain Dew, Hydraulic Presses, and More

Added 2024-03-09 01:00:04 +0000 UTC

Aging Concertgoers Excitedly Pass Around Little Baggie of Ear Plugs

PHILADELPHIA– A group of local concertgoers in their late 30s were spotted this past weekend excitedly passing around a little baggie of ear plugs they snuck in, sources high off breaking the rules report.

“It was a rush to sneak them past security, man. Last time I had to tape them to my inner thigh,” said Brennan Heard, whose idea it was to bring the auditory protection. “When the band started on their second song, I pulled the small plastic ziplock baggie out and said ‘boys, I hope you’re ready for an intense night of hearing conservation.’ The guy I bought them from has reputable sources, so I knew they’d be the good stuff. All of us took a pair and passed it down the row and I gotta say, what a difference they made to the overall experience. Transcendental, dude.”

Members of co-headlining band Critical Shit were quick to notice the group of friends passing around the bag of goods.

“In our early years, fans would sneak in party drugs and talk about staying up all night. Now they bring those expensive fancy ear plugs and brag about how they’re gonna fall asleep the second their head touches the pillow,” explained bassist Ken Patterson. “They must have had some plugs left over, because I caught them trading with another group for a bottle of Tums at one point. We’ve noticed some other aging fan paraphernalia as well. Last week, some lady was caught with a flask full of herbal tea. And half the balcony is eating porcini mushrooms instead of magic ones tonight. You don’t want to be out on an empty stomach, I suppose.”

The venue’s management supports the growing interest in hearing protection.

“I can sympathize with this crowd, because I remember what it was like to be older than I was when I was younger. Sometimes it feels like I’m still getting older to this day,” says boomer Helen Novak. “Fans are starting to realize that taking drugs and getting drunk are not as ‘hip’ or ‘funky-fresh’ as they used to be. I think people are beginning to understand that things like not going deaf are actually really ‘cool’ and ‘rad.’ I remind each individual I see to stretch between songs and perform vocal warmups before they sing along to anything so as not to place strain on their voices.”

At press time, Heard was caught in a bathroom stall snorting Flonase Allergy Relief Nasal Spray.

Victim Blaming? The Doctor Says My Headaches Are Caused by Only Drinking Mountain Dew All Day

BY SEAN FALLON

Doctors these days! I’ve been having migraines now for six months and I finally went to see a doctor about them after a particularly bad headache caused me to crash my car into a KFC and the court ordered me to attend counseling. So I go to see this quack, this Doctor Windon, and get this, he says to me that I’d have less headaches if I didn’t just drink four gallons of Mountain Dew every day.

Wow, so it’s my fault? I’m the victim here and he’s laying the blame at my feet. He tells me I’ve got to drink more water. News flash moron, Mountain Dew has water in it along with high fructose corn syrup, caffeine, citric acid, and yellow 5, which has got to be better for me than yellows 1 through 4. I’m not some big-headed doctor person but that feels like it’s just science.

Anyway, this Windon guy tries to put me on a diet. No more Mountain Dew, not even Baja Blast, for two weeks to see if the headaches go and I said, nah Doc. I got to have my Dew. Then four of my teeth fell out, which keeps on happening, and I bounced.

This kind of victim blaming must go on all the time. Doctors are supposed to help, not judge. Unlike the judge who sentenced me to community service for the KFC thing. He was meant to judge. He nailed his role, unlike that preachy-ass doctor.

I asked my court-appointed public defender if I could sue the doctor for trying to get me off the Dew and he told me to stop calling him at 3 a.m. Sorry dude, you’re supposed to help me, and I haven’t slept in weeks so I have a lot of free time.

But I have a plan to keep doing the Dew. I’m going to see a doctor (not that victim-blaming ass Windon) and get a blood transfusion, only he’s going to swap my blood for Mountain Dew Code Red. Red Dew, red blood. What could go wrong?

So it turns out there are tons of things that could go wrong and every doctor I spoke to said that I was a dangerous moron for asking them to do that. Yeah, more victim blaming. We live in a society where a man can’t switch out his blood for that sweet, sweet Knoxville sugar water. It’s a travesty and as soon as my hands stop shaking enough for me to hold a pen I will be writing to my congressman asking, nay demanding that the rights our forefathers fought to enshrine into the constitution should extend to me drinking only Mountain Dew and people leaving me alone for it and not asking why my teeth are all rotting and green.

Until then I’ll be picking up trash along the highway and chugging back the green ambrosia until they take it from my cold dead hands.

Algorithm Makes it So Man Can No Longer Enjoy Anything in Life Unless It’s Crushed by a Hydraulic Press

BY CHRIS BOWEN

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local man Albert Rickhold recently realized nothing in his life can bring him any semblance of joy unless he sees it being slowly crushed by a hydraulic press due to the manipulations of his algorithm, doomscrolling sources report.

“It’s amazing how quickly everything went south, really,” Rickhold explained. “One minute I found myself looking at Reels on Instagram thinking, ‘Oh that’s funny, that hydraulic press just completely demolished that Furby.’ Next thing I know, I can’t even enjoy a hotdog, any sporting event, or even music by itself. I need to see everything get obliterated. It’s like the way I’ve learned to enjoy things my whole life has been crushed….almost like by a great big press of some sort. But I figure if I pick up drinking again, it should sort itself out, hopefully.”

Albert Rickhold’s wife of 19 years Anna Rickhold says the influence of the algorithm has taken a toll on their marriage.

“I feel like I don’t even know my own husband anymore,” an emotionally distraught and sobbing Anna Rickhold said. “We used to love doing things like going to the movies together. Now he says he can’t be bothered by something like that unless ‘the entire cast and crew is smushed into a pile of viscera by a honking piece of machinery.’ I mean, what the hell does that mean anyway? I ask and he doesn’t even look up from his phone. It hurts so much, I’d honestly be happier if he just fell off the wagon.”

Social media influencer Tad Ronaldo explains how ASMR and highly specific entertainment Reels have made an impact on a large portion of Its users' lives.

“ASMR videos, while satisfying and relaxing in nature, can become burdensome when overexposed,” Ranaldo said. “There have been instances of people spending hours watching reels of red hot metal balls being dropped into things like pudding or ketchup, and then not being able to orgasm during intercourse. I’m not sure what the connection is, but I imagine it’s the soothing bubbling sound from boiling condiments that alters their attraction to their partners.”

At press time, many outlets project that the miniature hydraulic press for home use will be the highest-selling product on Amazon this year.

How to Cope When They Forget to Put Ranch in the Bag

BY JORDAN LIFFENGREN

If you’re reading this, it’s too late. Wingstop forgot to put ranch in the bag. The only part of your meal that mattered. Obviously the chicken wings were just a vehicle to that sweet white gold, and those bastards denied you any satisfaction. You’re likely experiencing overwhelming grief from having to eat your food without that creamy dreamy mouth-watering elixir. You might be wondering if there’s anything left to live for. But don’t worry, we’re here to help you navigate the stages of grief with this guide on how to cope when they forget to put ranch in the bag.

Stage 1: Denial

You’re not going to believe this is really happening. You’ll check the bag several times, and then the app to see if the receipt has the ranch on there. You’ll say, “No, no, no, there’s no way they could have forgotten it. It has to be in here somewhere.” You’ll rip the bag open in a feral frenzy. You will check under your car seat. It will seem like everything is happening in slow motion. You may suddenly dissociate or question your reality.

Stage 2: Anger

You’re going to experience a blind rage unlike any other. You may find yourself blacking out and waking up to your fist in some drywall, your kitchen floor covered in shards of dinnerware, or a baseball bat smashed through your TV. We suggest stripping down naked and screaming at the moon until your voice runs hoarse. While the adrenaline is still pumping, we suggest calling Wingstop and reciting a curse that will make their crops run dry.

Stage 3: Bargaining

You’ll be desperate to complete your meal with ranch, no matter where it comes from. We suggest telling your neighbor you’re afraid you’ll hurt yourself if they don’t let you borrow some ranch. If the only thing they have is a slightly soured bottle from 2016, you can still ride a high from it. Be sure to bring a bucket of water and a plugged in hair dryer with you when you arrive so they know you’re serious about ending it all if they don’t help you out.

Stage 4: Depression

You won’t want to shower or brush your teeth for days and this is normal. Feel free to post a crying video on Instagram and only respond to text messages with the phrase, “My broken body aches.” You might have trouble sleeping or recalling childhood memories. There will be a gaping hole where your ranch should be.

Stage 5: Acceptance

Sweet release. You’re gonna accept your fate without the ranch. This is a life you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy, but it is yours. You’re gonna have to raw dog these buffalo wings, and that’s okay. You’ll always remember this as your D-Day. The tragedy that occurred tonight will never be forgotten. You’ve hit rock bottom and you’re never going back. Now it is finally time to begin your game of cat and mouse with the cronies at Wingstop.

Biden Shadowdrops New War During State of the Union Address

BY HG PUNK

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Biden shocked the world at the State of the Union address tonight by revealing the United States would be entering another war immediately following the conclusion of his speech.

“And one more thing… I’m proud to announce that we’ll be declaring war, starting later tonight,” revealed Biden to rapturous applause. “The American people have been waiting for a new war, man. I can’t even remember the last time we sent people to die – was it a year or two? If you can hear my voice right now, you will be on the battlefield in no time,” continued the President, throwing darts at a board of the world map. “Is that France? France, right? OK everyone here is headed to war in France. Bit of a remaster, but I think people will like it.”

The reveal has ruffled the feathers of Biden’s enemies, including a heated response from right wing cable news personality Bill Walters.

“I love seeing flesh burn as much as the next guy – so I want to thank the President for working in a bipartisan way to get that done – but this is just an unsustainable way of announcing it,” explained Walters. “We need a consistent, steady stream of new wars, not just random announcements. I mean, now we don’t have the time to gather working-class people to send off to their death without a lengthy hype cycle. Where’s the pre-order contracts with Raytheon and Lockheed Martin? How are we going to build up the bad guys? I’ll give Joe one thing though – his speech had one important announcement, which is more than the average State of Play.”

For the citizens of France, who are just now learning hordes of American troops are headed their way, this announcement comes as a shock.

“I haven’t even gotten done playing Persona, and now I have to fight for my country,” complained Jean Blanc, who will be enlisting shortly. “This war just throws a wrench into all my plans. I won’t be able to play a single new game. We didn’t even do anything to America! They’re just trying to fill a schedule because they don’t have any other international conflicts planned.”

While Biden’s speech implied the war was exclusive to the United States and France, those looking to get in on the action can rest assured historically the US is more than happy to spread the conflict to additional countries.

Jake Paul Training With State of the Art Mike Tyson Simulator Ahead of Match

BY BRENDAN OSORIO

Jake Paul and Iron Mike Tyson will be duking it out live on Netflix Saturday, July 20th. In order to prepare for this highly anticipated match, Paul has reportedly started using a state of the art simulation: Mike Tyson’s Punch Out for the NES.

“Bro this game is so realistic,” Paul said with his eyes locked to his 13” CRT TV. “It’s crazy hard too bro. As soon as I figure out his timing I’ll be able to knock him out no problem. It looks like sometimes his feet glitch out. Maybe I can exploit that?”

This isn’t the first time a celebrity has used a fighting game to prepare for a big match. Famously The Insane Clown Posse used the Fight Club video game for a rubric on how to beat the crap out of Fred Durst.

“So far he’s knocked me out 16 times in a row. He’s kinda goated not gonna lie,” Paul said after throwing his NES controller across the room, thus sending his NES console along with it. “I took care of Glass Joe and King Hippo no problem bro! I seriously might have to play this game everyday bro.”

Paul was reportedly able to get some help from redditor littlemacsix9 who gave the former Disney channel star some hot tips and tricks.

“You gotta watch out for those uppercuts,” littlemacsix9 wrote. “He just keeps them coming so you really got to stay focused and dodge! Make sure to get some counterpunches in there too. He shouldn’t do anything else IRL if the game is as accurate as we’re led to believe and you should be able to last until the end and win the match by decision.”

At press time Paul has still not beaten Tyson in the game. Iron Mike himself is reportedly watching old episodes of Bizaardvark to better understand his opponent.