Hard Digest March 7: State of the Union and International Women's Day Early Access and More
Added 2024-03-08 01:00:04 +0000 UTCJoe Biden Spends The Entire State of The Union Explaining How True Emo Only Comes From The Washington D.C. Hardcore Scene
BY STEPHEN BELL
WASHINGTON — Observers of Thursday’s State of The Union address were surprised by Joe Biden’s speech after he spent the entire time talking about how true Emo music only comes from the Washington, D.C hardcore scene and that all other forms of Emo are cheap imitations.
“Listen here Jack I’m telling you that Emo music must be from the D.C. hardcore scene and I ain’t talking pornography here for once,” said Biden in his opening remark. “Everyone claims they love Emo but most of the time they’re talking about Myspace pop-punk bands with dumb hair and eyeliner. Those posers can’t hold a candle to The Rites of Spring or Embrace. We need this country to come together, if we can’t agree on something like Emo then how are we going to agree on the economy? I want to make one thing clear; if you weren’t there in the ‘80s like I was when it all started then you ain’t talking Emo.”
Voters were somewhat confused about the direction that the President decided to take while giving the State of The Union.
“We are a divided nation right now so why would he decide to focus on such a divisive issue,” questioned Cory Thompson, a voter from Michigan. “I was hoping he would focus on something that would be less likely to get people mad. Some simple topics like what Israel’s ongoing genocide of the Palestinian people, abortion, trans rights, reparations for slavery, euthanasia, is water wet, literally anything that wouldn’t stir up a massive debate. I’m not sure I can vote for a guy who doesn’t consider Orchid an Emo band just and that’s a shame.”
The GOP rebuttal to the president’s speech, given by Alabama Senator Katie Britt, focused on how coastal elites bogart popular music.
“These snobs think that they’re so smart in their ivory towers and that they can gatekeep all of the music,” said an enraged Britt. “I love emo of all flavors and styles no matter where in the nation it comes from. That’s because I’m a true emo girl. When I say ‘rawr’ to my husband every night that’s me telling him I love him and darn it, that means something. I can still remember wearing my ripped black skinny jeans, purple poofy hair, and my Nightmare Before Christmas jacket with little holes in the sleeves to put my thumbs through while going through law school. I’ve been to more Warped Tour concerts than President Biden and I have the wristbands to prove it. Republicans believe that All Emo Matters no matter where it comes from.”
At press time, it was reported that Joe could be seen giving a long history lesson to the members of the Secret Service about how Ska came before Reggae.
Woman Drunk With Power From International Women’s Day Open Carries Tampon to Office Bathroom
NEW YORK — Local woman Pam Carter was reportedly so amped up from another raucous International Women’s Day that she openly carried a tampon down a long hallway to her office’s bathroom, confirmed multiple bearded, aghast sources.
“I usually conceal my tampon in an empty Doritos bag in my purse then put my purse in a sealed Amazon box then stash the box inside a lockable filing cabinet,” said Carter. “It’s a hassle to haul the whole filing cabinet back and forth to the restroom, but I’m not playing that game. Not today the most sacred of days. I’m gonna let everyone know I have this tampon and that it will soon be inserted inside me. The looks everyone gave me were priceless, I just hope nobody files an HR complaint.”
Kyle Jones, an accountant who keeps a personal supply of Charmin under his desk, was offended by the sudden appearance of tampons in the open.
“Of course we all knew about Pam’s disgusting bathroom habit but it was easier to ignore when she wasn’t so in-your-face about it. There’s a time and a place for personal things like that and it’s not in the office, menstrual cycles should be saved for nighttime and weekends,” said Jones, while openly looking at NSFW images on his company computer. “When I think about what Pam does in the bathroom I think about blood and thinking about blood is scary. We all just felt a lot safer when she was dragging the file cabinet back and forth to the bathroom, although it did scratch up the floor remarkably.”
Will Tide, president of the Custodians Union Local 899, has seen firsthand the chaos open tampon use has caused.
“I’ve always been a supporter of women’s rights but historically there’s an uptick in bathroom issues the week after International Women’s Day. We make sure to send out multiple reminders about the delicate pipes in the offices that make up our great city,” said Tide. “We know most men in an office environment get worked up which leads to them making more trips to the bowl and I have my suspicions that they are bringing in toilet paper from an outside source. 2-ply. These old pipes can’t handle the additional ply! There’s been a lot of clogs.”
At press time, Mr. Tide was seen putting the door to the women’s bathroom at the Viacom offices back on its hinges as several employees had taken to opening the door via roundhouse kick while loudly condemning the patriarchy.
Ethical Non Monogamy? I Flirted With My Barista’s Replacement
Well, I’ve gotten to the stage that everyone gets to at some point in their relationship. The part where you either break up or ask for a third. I know what you’re thinking. Oh, I’m the asshole. Oh, I have a pornography addiction. For your information, I only consume feminist porn. You know, porn that only has women in it. This is the 21st century. These are modern times! Who says you can’t have your ethically made gluten-free paleo crumb cake and eat it too? Cheating is rooted in lying and dishonesty so by the transitive property it’s not cheating if you tell them you’re doing it.
Why ethical non-monogamy? Well, it’s complicated, much like our entire relationship. It started the day we met. I remember it like it was yesterday. The sparkle in her eye and nose stud. She asked me “oat milk or almond milk?” I told her I go both ways. We both laughed and then sat in complete silence while she finished my order. It was like fireworks. There was something between us.
But that was a while ago (last Tuesday). It got to the point where I didn’t even have to tell her my order anymore. She hears my footsteps on the floor, and before she can push the Arctic Fox dyed hair out of her eye, she’s got my flat white brewing. It felt so routine, so dull. Sometimes I’d ask for a matcha, just to feel that spark again. But then before I knew it, she was gone. I was told she “had booked a role” and that “this job was just paying the bills until she made it as an actress”. Everything we’d built, destroyed. I was left devastated.
But as they say, life goes on. There’s someone…else. Someone new. She seems to just have a zest for life. Every time I see her I feel like I’m 21 again, and that’s not just because I’ve smoked weed every day since then. I get to tell her all my jokes, and she laughs like she’s never heard them, because she hasn’t heard them. Or maybe she has. Did I mention I’ve smoked weed every day since I was 21? She draws hearts in my lattes. When I ask for non-dairy milk, she won’t charge me extra, and she gives me a wink. I have to BEG my girl to give me the stale pastries they were going to fucking throw out anyways. I think that for the sake of this relationship, there needs to be a change. Something new. SomeONE new.
Oh, and her replacement never asks “Is that it?” with the tip.
Man With Bisexual Girlfriend Super Excited for International Women’s Day
LOS ANGELES — Local man Paul Jones admitted he is thrilled to celebrate the most important woman in his life this International Women’s Day: his bisexual girlfriend, multiple sources confirmed.
“Yeah, ever since my niece painted two of my nails, I’ve been really in touch with my femininity. I realized women are so important. Without them, who would we have sex with? I mean, procreate with? I mean, respect as equals in both the workplace and the home,” said Jones while creating a “shared” Tinder account. “I’m so lucky to have so many important women in my life. My mom. My sister. The girl whose Only Fans I keep forgetting to unsubscribe from. But most importantly, my amazing and extremely bisexual girlfriend Bella. I hope that we get to do something exciting for the holiday. Someone different, maybe. I think that would make us both really happy. As long as it’s not like that one scene in ‘Deadpool,’ I’m not sure I’m there yet.”
Jones’ girlfriend Bella Chin seemed less thrilled about the prospect of celebrating the day with him.
“He keeps asking me if we’re having a threesome. And asking why women get a whole day when we ‘already have Valentine’s Day’ and then he said something about how the pay gap ‘doesn’t exist anymore’ for some reason,” said Chin exasperatedly. “It’s not even a real holiday. International Women’s Day is just an excuse for the most annoying women you know to post pictures of their homogenous friend groups. All I really want today is 45 minutes to myself where I can just sit in silence and reflect on how I need to find a new partner.”
Couples therapist Janet Green lent her expertise regarding Jones and Chin’s relationship.
“To be honest, I’m surprised they have lasted this long. It seems their only common interest is women,” Green said while shaking her head. “I see this dynamic all the time. The man thinks he has a free pass to pretend to be progressive because his girlfriend is bisexual, and then the second he can ask for a threesome under the guise of some sort of gift, he absolutely will. From what I can see, I think it would be better if they both went separate ways, holiday be damned.”
At press time, Jones was found girlfriend scouting in the GA section of a Phoebe Bridgers concert and in a newly gentrified neighborhood.
David Byrne/Paramore Split Record Renews Hope That Paul Simon Will Finally Cover Disturbed Song
BY EMMA JONAS
NEW YORK – David Byrne’s recently released cover of Paramore’s “Hard Times,” recorded in response to Paramore’s cover of the Talking Heads classic “Burning Down the House,” reinvigorated enthusiasm among other cross-genre fanbases for a potential Paul Simon cover of a Disturbed song.
“Paul has said he liked our cover, but I always felt some doubt because he never expressed any interest in performing our music. Plus, one time I saw him walking around New York and when I tried to say hello his security guard shoved me and told me to stay back,” said Disturbed drummer Mike Wengren who originally had the idea for the band to cover the haunting, ethereal Simon & Garfunkel track. “It’s like when a neighbor brings you a casserole and you get the dish back empty. Like, it’s fine, but there’s kind of supposed to be something in there when it comes back to you. But you always feel so awkward asking.”
Paul Simon expressed a willingness to entertain the idea of a Disturbed cover.
“I’m not opposed to the idea of a cover,” said Simon while out to lunch with Lorne Michaels. “For a long time I thought it wouldn’t really fit my sound, but as I get a little older I’ve really started to relate to the lyrics of ‘Down With the Sickness,’ especially the part where they say ‘why can’t you just fuck off and die? Never stick your hand in my face again bitch, fuck you, I don’t need this shit, you stupid sadistic fucking whore…’ And I think they would sound groovy with some Travis picking and backup vocals by Ladysmith Black Mambazo.”
Music historian Emilie Koeritz says a Simon take on Disturbed’s music could indicate a new era of intergenre creation.
“Covers have always existed in a controversial liminal space, both ideologically and legally,” Koeritz said. “If Paul Simon closes the loop on Disturbed’s work then maybe we could finally get The Who covering a Limp Bizkit song that people have spent decades clamoring for. We want to see these cover swaps happen before more artists pass away, the world would be a better place if Marvin Gaye were around today to cover a Taproot song, or if Kurt Cobain was still with us so Nirvana could cover Evanescence.”
At press time, alarming reports of Weezer fans pestering Toto to cover “Pork and Beans” were unfortunately surfacing.
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DIY PC Builder Also Getting Really Into Breaking Other Technology Around House
BY ALEC WALKER
Local PC Builder Luis Ho is taking his lack of skills to the rest of the household, multiple sources confirmed.
“I was constantly dropping frames in every game! Finally, I built up the courage to crack open my case! With a sledgehammer,” said Ho, lugging shards of computer parts out of his office. “But it made me realize I have lots of other tech in my house I can tinker with! Ya know how you can’t see if your dishwasher is working cause the door is opaque? Everyone can relate to this problem. Well, I fixed it by removing the door entirely. I’m excited to turn it on and see what they’ve been hiding from us all these years.”
Ho’s wife, Lisa Ho, is doing everything she can to be supportive of her husband’s hobby,
“Um, it’s actually Lisa Browning, now,” said Browning. “I moved out last week. The last straw was when he put flashing RGB LEDs all over my vibrator. It was better when he would just complain about his crappy computer and I could just tune him out, but his incompetence has leaked into all other facets of our lives. I have a computer engineering degree and he talks to me about PCs like I’m from the 1800s.”
Ho’s favorite PC Building Youtuber, TechDawg, got wind of Ho’s ambitions,
“I heard about Luis after he posted dozens of incoherent comments under all my videos,” said TechDawg, deliberately deleting comments one by one. “He said he’s gonna put a graphics card on his TV to make it look better or something? I have no idea. I post videos to educate people, and this is how some people take it. I had to report his account when he said he was going to rewire all the outlets in his house into one, giant ‘mega outlet.’”
At press time, Ho was seen hanging from his roof screaming about how gluing magnifying glasses to the tiles will turn them into solar panels.
Universal Can’t Remember If Gru Coming to Fortnite or Call of Duty
UNIVERSAL CITY, CA – Universal Pictures has announced that Gru, reformed supervillain star of the $4.4-billion Despicable Me franchise, will be joining either Fortnite or Call of Duty as a playable character, but cannot confirm which at this time.
“We couldn’t be more thrilled to combine our flagship Illumination IP with one of the biggest brands in gaming today,” said Universal Pictures spokesperson Michelle Mansfield before rifling through loose files on her desk. “And I would love to tell you all about that brand once I find the licensing paperwork.”
As of the release of 2022’s Minions: The Rise of Gru, the five-film franchise remains the highest-grossing in animation history, edging out the six-film Shrek franchise from fellow Universal subsidiary, DreamWorks Animation.
“It’s a natural fit,” said Illumination in a press release this morning. “Gru wouldn’t be the world-renowned mad genius he is without his signature arsenal, including such fan favorites as the Jelly Gun, Inflation Gun, and Fart Gun. Now Minions everywhere can step into his Gucci boots and carry on the Gru legacy with a sniper rifle of indeterminate realism.”
Sources within the studio requested anonymity, but couldn’t fully explain why. Most recalled seeing concept art around the office depicting the character wielding an FN SCAR-L Mk2 assault rifle with a wry smile, but weapons resembling that particular model appear in both the Fortnite and Call of Duty franchises. Questions as to the validity of the art were met with a common refrain, summarized in a comment from a tired-looking character modeler: “Buddy, we’ve rendered a lot of Grus.”
After another hour of desktop shuffling and several terse phone calls, Mansfield said the character was “probably” headed to the more cartoonish Fortnite franchise.
Since its launch in 2017, the free-to-play online game has accrued an active player base of 250 million players monthly and over $20 billion in revenue. One of the chief forces behind that success is the brand’s willingness to collaborate with known quantities in pop culture, often available as character skins for in-game currency known as “V-Bucks.” These range from household names (Spider-Man, Boba Fett, John Cena) to properties with a distinctly adult appeal (Family Guy, Creed III, Martin Luther King, Jr.). But that doesn’t rule out the possibility that Gru answered the Call of Duty.
The military first-person-shooter series, no slouch as the fourth best-selling video game franchise of all time, has shared many of the same crossovers with the competition. Both multiplayer mammoths have included playable characters from Evil Dead, Dune, and The Walking Dead among others. When reached for comment, the unnamed PR representative who answered the phone at publisher Activision Blizzard said, “Sorry, we got a lot going on right now,” before hanging up.
Fortnite publisher and developer Epic Games kept similarly mum on the possibility, with CEO Tim Sweeney only volunteering, “Sure, I’d buy that.”
Mansfield did recall that the unspecified deal was timed to coincide with the July 3rd release of Despicable Me 4. “So all gamers should keep, um, refreshing their games this summer and Gru might just show up where you least expect him. Will. He will show up.”
YouTube Apology Video No Match For Viewer’s First-Ever Taste of Power
LOS ANGELES – The latest apology video from an embattled YouTuber has proven utterly ineffective against the first-ever taste of power experienced by the average viewer, who has never before experienced someone wanting approval from them, sources confirmed today.
“I’ve never felt so alive,” said longtime subscriber Jenna Smith, her eyes gleaming with the intoxicating realization of her own influence. “All this time, I thought I was just a passive consumer of content, but now I see that I hold the very fate of this creator in my hands. I was up all night deciding on my sentencing and statement. The world awaits my decision.”
The video, an hour long masterclass in groveling and self-flagellation, was released in response to the YouTuber’s latest scandal, which involves a harrowing mistake surely worse than anything a single member of the audience has ever done.
“The world awaits my judgment,” said viewer Darryl Sanders, sticking his arm forward with his thumb pointed sideways like a roman emperor deciding if a gladiator should live or die. “I am the one with the power. It is I who decides this poor soul’s fate. That’s why they grovel at my feet. I am judge, subscriber, and executioner.”
As the apology video’s view count climbed, social media feeds quickly filled with demands for more groveling, more tears, and more abject humiliation from the once-beloved content creator.
“It’s a tale as old as time,” explained Dr. Maya Cunningham, a renowned psychologist specializing in internet dynamics. “Give a YouTube viewer even the tiniest modicum of power, and they’ll inevitably start writing out a list of commands some YouTube must abide by in order to cleanse their soul. I myself have received several and by the way I’m so sorry if I came off like I was above you due to my higher education and qualifications earlier.”
At press time, the YouTuber was seen frantically brainstorming a follow up apology video, intent on apologizing for how each individual viewer found the first one unsatisfactory in some ultra-important way.
