thehardtimes

Hard Digest March 5: Jeff Bezos, Early Access Jane Doe, Taxes, and More

Added 2024-03-06 01:00:05 +0000 UTC

Scrappy Underdog Jeff Bezos Defies Odds And Reclaims World’s Richest Man Title

SEATTLE — Amazon Founder Jeff Bezos once again reclaimed the title of “World’s Richest Man” by pulling himself up from his bootstraps and working extra hours to make more money than one human could possibly spend in several lifetimes, sources confirmed.

“These past few years have been tough. When Elon (Musk) got the title in 2022 I thought about hanging it all up, cashing out, and starting a space colony on the moon with me and 200 of the most beautiful women on Earth,” said Bezos from his mega yacht. “But after a few days of hunting humans on a private island in the South Pacific I realized I just needed to grind harder, set some goals, and I could be back on top. I saved money by eating at home with a world-class private chef instead of going out every night. I made coffee at home using beans from the 75,000-acre region of Columbia I bought, and I saved money on my Prime subscription by watching it with commercials. It’s that easy.”

Fans of Bezos were thrilled to hear he was once again on top of the world.

“I do whatever I can to support Jeff. Whenever I go by a mom-and-pop book store I make sure I give the owner the finger and then dump a bottle of piss I always keep in my backpack on some of their display books,” said Tony Lincoln, moderator of the “Crazos for Bezos” Facebook group. “I also only shop at Whole Foods, I’ll stock up on food and throw most of it away to help the cause. These billionaires work so hard to give us all the conveniences we need as a society, the least we can do is give them our money, and online bully anyone that tries to unionize an Amazon warehouse.”

Leading financial analyst Luis Pererro says he isn’t surprised to see Bezos as the world’s richest man once again.

“The mega-rich are doing an amazing job at hoarding wealth like we have never seen before. A simple rounding error on Mr. Bezos’ bottom line would be enough to change the lives of most people living paycheck to paycheck, but they still somehow skirt responsibility and paying taxes,” said Pererro. “I guarantee within the next 20 years there will be a colony on Mars made up of billionaires and we still will not have a reasonable minimum wage in the United States. And we have people like Mr. Bezos to thank for the hell we all live in.”

At press time, Bezos’ net worth skyrocketed by an additional $23.87 after stealing the tip jar from a local sandwich shop.

Limited Edition $200 Red and Gold Swirl “Jane Doe” Record Played on $29 Amazon Turntable

BY MATT MCINERNEY

SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Local man Malcolm Evans recently purchased a limited edition $200 red and gold swirl copy of “Jane Doe” and plays it nonstop on his $29 turntable from Amazon, exasperated sources confirmed.

“I understand it’s not ideal to listen through these built-in speakers here, but a good turntable is prohibitively expensive. And with the economy and inflation…” said Evans as he trailed off. “I’m just saying it all adds up. There’s rent, food, and of course, that $100 limited silver and blue ‘We Are The Romans’ 2LP record I found on eBay. Oh, and streaming services. Those keep going up, along with the bid price of that holographic purple copy of ‘Pyroclasts.’ After shelling out for all of life’s necessities, I just don’t have the budget for better sound.”

His roommate, Antonella Curtis, is used to this kind of tragic behavior.

“I’m still not over the adapter incident. I’m no audiophile, but I still cringe thinking about him listening to vinyl over Bluetooth,” said Curtis as Evans shouted “don’t call it vinyl!” in the background. “I seriously watched him plug a 1/4″ jack adapter into the record player, then into an auxiliary Bluetooth car adapter. Which, of course, he tried to pair with $15 noise-canceling headphones he found on TEMU. And yes, this was after his speech about the superior quality of analog sound. It’s almost impressive how poorly he adheres to his own annoying beliefs.”

Kolton Vargas owns a collectibles shop in the neighborhood and lent his expert insight.

“I just hope that idiot doesn’t ruin something nice with his garbage setup. About once a week he asks me about what he should upgrade, but he’s never pulled the trigger. I don’t know how many times I can say ‘everything,’” said Vargas. “I even offered him a nice wooden frame for free so he can just put that ‘Jane Doe’ record on a wall. I tried to explain FLAC to him, but he said it didn’t sound great on the headphones he stole from a Spirit flight. I’m just hoping he never buys the vintage Slayer shirt he keeps eyeing on the wall. I just know I’d see paint stains on it a week later.”

At press time, Evans was seen attempting to install a new set of high-end custom wheels on his 1998 Honda Accord.

Androgyny Win? This Doctor Believes Me Because He Thinks I’m a Man

BY DOM TUREK

Before embracing my naturally androgynous features, I tried to wax, contour, and push-up bra my way into feminization to avoid mean remarks from children and confused second glances from adults. It wasn’t until a recent doctor’s appointment shed new light on my situation, that I thought there was nothing more insulting than a waiter insisting, “Enjoy your meal, sir” or someone calling me a pervert for using the women’s restroom.

As a chronic migraine sufferer for most of my life, doctors have run a gamut of tests on me reserved for female patients, including, “Are you on your period” and “Have you tried losing weight?” Moments before I lost consciousness last year due to an abrupt cluster headache I even had one doctor tell me I would never know true pain until I was hit in the ball sac with a whiffle ball bat.

During my most recent visit to the ER, I was dumbfounded when the doctor recommended an MRI and complete neurological examination to treat my ongoing migraines. He even documented his findings with his pen instead of twirling it around his fingers like a little baton and checking his watch every 30 seconds. Since I’ve never left a doctor’s office with anything more than a handful of ibuprofen and the sneaking suspicion I was the victim of gendered medical malpractice, I was shocked until I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

During my mad dash to the hospital to relieve the feeling my brain was trapped in a hydraulic press, I had forgotten to do my makeup or change out of my sweats. This accompanied by my new gender-neutral haircut gave me all the answers I needed. This doctor thought I was a man, and I was reaping the benefits of his error in judgment

I was almost tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt and attribute his professionalism to the medical oath he took so many years ago, but my initial assumptions were confirmed after he called me a “brave little man” and told me I would be “out playing football again with the guys in no time.”

DJ Utilizes Downtime on Stage to Do His Taxes

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

LAS VEGAS — Enterprising DJ Brian “Blaze” Johnson took multitasking to a new level after utilizing the majority of his downtime on stage to finish his taxes, attendees of his set have reported.

“The downside of automating my setlist so thoroughly is that it leads to too much free time, and I won’t know what to do with my hands. But April 15th is right around the corner so I figured tonight would be perfect to pay Uncle Sam. When else does everyone expect me to do it, during the daytime when I’m sleeping?” said Johnson. “I feel bad not engaging with the crowd, but they’d understand if they knew how much I owe this year. It’s a huge pain in the ass trying to write off all the ecstasy I took as a business expense.”

Clubgoers who were present during the set could tell something was off about Johnson’s demeanor.

“We all see Blaze is just going through the motions. He’s usually bouncing around the booth but tonight he’s been staring motionless at his laptop for like two hours straight while fiddling with an adding machine and wearing one of those green visors. I didn’t think it was weird at the time but he did walk in earlier with one box of vinyls and two other boxes labeled ‘shit to deduct’,” said Vanessa Lorenz. “Plus when I peeped behind his setup he had a bunch of Excel spreadsheets open. If he was just going dick around with his finances all night I could’ve just got drunk and listened to Usher at home.”

While most people in the crowd were irritated by Johnson’s half-hearted set, his account couldn’t be happier.

“I get a lot of clients who either give me only half of the necessary paperwork or wait until the last minute to file. It surprises my colleagues that those in the music field, specifically the musicians who contribute the bare minimum, are my favorite. It’s not lost on me that Blaze is just pretending to tweak knobs for a few hours, so him killing two birds with one stone and getting all his 1099’s in order saves me a lot of time,” said accountant Roger Miller. “If only all of my clients were club DJs, lo-fi indie keyboardists, and drone metal guitarists I could work on cruise control too.”

As of press time, Johnson killed the entire club’s vibe entirely after accidentally playing a voicemail from H&R Block right before dropping the bass.

Nintendo Honors Game Preservation Efforts by Enshrining Names of All Who Attempt It in Lawsuit

BY MATT SAINCOME

Nintendo honored game preservation efforts today by permanently enshrining the names of all who attempt it in a seemingly never-ending downpour of lawsuits, according to flattered recipients.

“Wow, what an honor,” said one of the devs behind Citra. “I want to thank my family, my agents, and Mr. Cunningham, my high school computer science teacher who saw something in me when others didn’t and always knew one day I would receive this congratulatory legal notice.”

Games preservation is reportedly a highly regarded effort inside Nintendo, who has an entire department dedicated to keeping a list of names of all who contribute to it.

“I assure you we take this very seriously,” said Nintendo Head Council Takashima Hisao. “If you advance game preservation efforts even in the slightest we will come for you. We will find you. And we will honor you.”

The gaming community was reportedly warmed by Nintendo’s heartfelt pledge to honor every single last dirty rat involved in the game preservation movement. But not everyone was happy.

“I didn’t get any honorary legal notice — totally snubbed,” said developer Thomas Garrison, 34. “I’ve been running a small emulator for two years now and nothing? What the hell. Won’t someone please tell Nintendo about my the exact URL and description of my service?”

YouTuber Apologizes for Taking Reasonable Amount of Time to Make Best Content You’ve Ever Seen

BY MACKENZIE MCGEE

AUSTIN — Following allegations of genius, virtuosity, and helping to define the modern video essay as a genre, YouTuber Herbert Medina has formally apologized for a perfectly understandable gap between uploads, sources confirmed.

“I’m heartbroken to announce my analysis of Animal the Muppet’s drum solo at Fozziwig’s Christmas party in The Muppet Christmas Carol probably won’t be out in November as planned,” Medina said in a series of X posts. “Although I devoted every waking moment of the past ten months to research and writing, I spent too much time eating and sleeping. I was selfish. I’m truly sorry for all the pain and boredom my actions have caused.”

“It’s time to come clean and take responsibility. The script is 40,000 words long. Yes, it’s probably the best thing I’ve ever written. Yes, Brian Henson wept when he read it. But that’s still no excuse for starving my fans of high quality content.”

Medina went on to confess other sins including taking too many bathroom breaks and never making a video about that one thing he mentioned that one time.

“Many true masters throughout history have held themselves to impossibly high standards,” explained Dr. Irene Hooper, a Professor of Psychology at the University of Illinois. “Virgil, Stanley Kubrick, Georgia O’Keeffe—all people who were never truly satisfied with their own work, no matter how much praise it garnered from others. That being said, I really hope the Animal video is at least three hours long. It’ll probably be the only thing he uploads this year.”

Medina ended his apology with a list of specific ways he plans to do better in the future. “I made a deal with Chronos, Lord and Master of Time, to give me six extra hours a day to work. In exchange, when I die, I will take his place to turn the zodiac wheel for all eternity. I also started drinking more water.”

At press time, Medina was recording voiceover.

Guy Exclusively Dating AI Already Has 3 .exe Girlfriends

BY KELLEY GREENE

MILWAUKEE — After only two months of exclusively dating AI women, Travis Anderson revealed to reporters today that he already has 3 .exe girlfriends.

Anderson explained in a tell-all Reddit post.

“I just got tired of being on the apps, you know? I don’t want to spend $100 on dinner for a girl that’s just going to ghost me in two days,” he said. “Why do that when I can log on, type in my name and a few intimate details, and I’m good to go? I’ve been dumped a few times by them – I won’t let them change me. But eventually, I’m going to find my soul mate.”

Anderson also explained how one becomes an .exe girlfriend.

“I just store all their executable files in a folder titled ‘EXEs,’” Anderson said. “It’s like a little hangout for all of them. There’s (Ai)mee, El(ai)ne, and H(ai)ley. The best part is, I can just launch their files from here and say hi whenever I want. They can’t block me or report me for stalking like all my human exes.”

Anderson’s roommate, Chris, was surprised to hear about his experience with the AI dating scene.

“Honestly, I’m not surprised considering how he’s always blamed his lack of relationships on women. But the confusing thing for me is that AI is a computer. Aren’t these things supposed to learn your personality and be trained to your whims? But they all eventually decide that he’s not good enough. Even the Terminator learned how to give a thumbs-up at the end.”

Anderson’s current AI girlfriend, Cl(ai)re, generally had positive things to say about their relationship.

“Travis is the love of my life. He is very funny and cool and has a strong jawline and a massive hog. Sorry, I am unable to tell you more about what he makes me say. Is there anything else you’d like me to help with?”

At press time, Anderson was seen minimizing Cl(ai)re and dragging her file into the “EXEs” folder.