thehardtimes

Hard Digest March 4: Yuzu, Early Access Courtney Love, BDSM, Cocaine, and More

Added 2024-03-05 01:00:04 +0000 UTC

Gen X Man 100% Feminist Unless Someone Mentions Courtney Love

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local 49-year-old Corey Nulf was a self-proclaimed feminist until anyone around mentions musician Courtney Love, confirmed sources who turned off “The People vs. Larry Flynt” movie when he entered the room.

“Despite being a cishet AMAB, I’m a pro-choice sex-positive intersectional fourth-wave feminist constantly looking to educate myself by reading and listening to the great minds of both yesterday and today to be a positive role model to my two amazing daughters,” Nulf said, placing a Ruth Bader Ginsburg bookmark into a worn copy of bell hooks’ “Teaching To Transgress.” “I don’t have a prefab mold for them as young women, but I can tell you who I don’t want them to emulate—that succubus Courtney Love. Between the gold-digging, hoarding the rights to Nirvana’s music, and without a doubt murdering Kurt Cobain with her bare hands and framing it as a shotgun wound, is there a more contemptible woman in history? I can’t wait to see her dead.”

Nulf’s feelings toward Love were concerning to his immediate family.

“Dad was so excited to take us to ‘Captain Marvel’ when it came out to show us a strong female character on the big screen, but he threw an outburst when a Hole song came on during the credits. I hadn’t seen him this upset since he petitioned the Pop Warner football team to let me play,” said Nulf’s tween daughter Penelope. “It was so embarrassing. I didn’t know people could get kicked out of a movie after it was over. When we got home he forced us to watch ‘Kurt and Courtney’ and ‘Soaked In Bleach,’ giving the middle finger to the TV any time Courtney appeared on screen.”

Experts report that when people are faced with devastating pop culture news they abandon their core values.

“This is a classic scapegoat scenario,” said Dr. Gar Franks, Sociologist at Vassar College. “Even in so-called tolerant groups, there is a tendency to blame an undeserving and underrepresented minority. Sometimes you can’t even see blatant misogyny even as it's happening. Like all the people who attacked poor Linda McCartney, while ignoring how that she-demon Yoko Ono basically served up John Lennon on a silver platter to be murdered. It’s a real shame Linda is so villanized.”

At press time, the left-leaning Nulf was heard blaming all the shortcomings of the Democratic party on Monica Lewinsky.

Opinion: I Don’t Care if My Lyrics Saved Your Life, the Song is Still a Metaphor for Cock and Ball Torture

BY ROBERT JOHN SCUCCI

I don’t want to sound like one of those crotchety old curmudgeons who isn’t grateful that his music resonates with such a wide audience, but I cannot for the life of me believe how many times people completely miss the point of my lyrics. I get it that people want to relate to art subjectively, but I just read a piece on Medium suggesting that my latest single, ‘Crank My Hog With Barbed Wire Brass Knuckles’ is an elaborate take on overcoming suicidal ideation and following your dreams. It is not.

Let me make myself very clear… I was not trying to be coy or ambiguous about my unfettered desire to have my shaft and sack mutilated by a willing third party through the questionable use of foreign objects. I’m only truly happy when my bean bag is getting mercilessly whipped with the hard end of a dog leash, and I tend to write about what makes me happy. No subtlety. No nuance. Just good old-fashioned cock and ball torture is all I need to get my motor going.

Hell, the word ‘metaphor’ is a stretch because you really don’t need to read between the lines at all.

Okay, so maybe I could see how lines like “transcend the pain, let it carry you away,” could have a number of different meanings. But as the guy who wrote the damn lyrics, I assure you that I came up with the verse while slamming my nuts under a toilet seat using my full body weight. It’s not about overcoming the abandonment issues I have with my father or getting over a significant break-up. It’s about aggressively servicing my goods until they’re out of order for an entire fucking week.

At the end of the day, I really don’t care what kind of message you take away from my music. By the same token, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t absolutely disgusted to the point of wanting to change careers when I was tagged in a gender reveal post on Instagram that used lyrics from ‘Stick a Fork in Me, I’ll Cum’ as a caption.

I guess what I’m trying to say is although my art is no longer mine once I share it with the world, the only thing I really care about is finding a woman who’s brave enough to put out a cigarette on my crotch by stomping on it with her stilettos. And if you keep buying my albums I can probably hook that up, so thanks… I guess.

Self-Help Book Watches Helplessly as Cocaine Snorted off It

BY MATT HUSSER

LOS ANGELES — Self-help book “Addicted to Success: Eight Habits of the Highly Motivated” reportedly watched helplessly today as its self-improvement lessons were completely ignored while it was used as a surface to snort cocaine, concerned sources confirmed.

“Oh come on, not the cocaine again! I’m supposed to teach you how forming good habits will help you metaphorically become addicted to success, not literally enable your drug addiction,” said the self-help book, watching in horror as white powder residue was vacuumed from his cover. “Look, I have a whole chapter on healthy behavior patterns! I swear the only time he’s actually opened my pages was during a three-day drug bender, but rather than heeding my advice he just ripped out my page about controlling your urges and rolled it up to snort ketamine off a stripper.”

Kyle Jurgen, the owner of the paperback, maintains that despite outward appearances the book has helped him more than it will ever realize.

“That book was one of the best purchases I’ve ever made—when I’m feeling unstable, it’s always given me a sturdy surface to snort coke off. When I need help opening up, I turn to the chapter about ‘visualizing your future’ to find my LSD stash. Plus it really gives the appearance that I’m working on myself when Tinder dates come over,” said Jurgen, using the book as a coaster for his beer. “I’ve recommended it to countless friends as a fantastic resource to synergize your habits and actualize success while streamlining their drug habits.”

Fellow self-help book “Subduing Your Sex Addiction: How to Tie Up Those Naughty Cravings By Learning to Go Love Yourself” also reported that it was frequently being used for purposes that went against its advice.

“You think that other book has it bad? I’m a self-help book about sex addiction, and just yesterday my owner used me as a paddle at an orgy! Honestly, what were my publishers thinking releasing me in hardcover?” said the book, trying to separate its stuck-together pages. “Plus there’s so much lube everywhere that you can’t even read my chapter on the power of platonic relationships anymore, not to mention the condom they’re using as a bookmark—I wish I could commend them for practicing safe sex, but it’s still in the wrapper.”

At press time, both self-help books were bracing for a debaucherous weekend after being placed next to each other on a coffee table.

Yuzu Shuts Down to Better Emulate Video Game Industry

BY MICKEY NOLAN

Embattled Nintendo Switch emulator Yuzu has announced today that they intend to shut down the company as one last emulation of the entire video game industry.

“We started this project in good faith,” a statement from the company read. “But we see now that if we truly want to provide gamers with the most realistic emulation possible, we need to kill what they love. Goodbye forever, everyone.”

The news sent shockwaves through the gaming community, along with some praise.

“Honestly nailed it, it felt like the real thing,” one social media commentator wrote. “Just when I started to really love the service and got used to relying on it I hear some big business decision resulted in it being killed. This is the true gamer experience.”

Insiders in the company gave some insight into the logic behind this final emulation.

“The AAA emulation cycle is just simply too long, the economics don’t work,” one insider speaking on a condition of anonymity said. “Killing it now is a tax break anyways.”

Guy Making AITA Post About to Embark on Profound and Completely Unwanted Journey of Self-Discovery

BY SEAN FALLON

CHICAGO — South Side local Anthony Sponge found himself embarking on a rather profound and completely unwanted journey of self-discovery after posting on the Am I The Asshole subreddit this week, a review of his account activity confirmed.

Sponge explained the eye-opening journey of self-reflection in a statement.

“I’m usually a Reddit lurker,” said Sponge. “So when I asked Reddit if I was the asshole it was my first real interaction with the site and I didn’t expect to end up reassessing my whole life. Is sneaking meat into my vegan stepmom’s dinner really not funny?”

“I guess I have a lot to think about, this sucks,” he added.

Non-accredited internet psychiatrist, Morgan Arthurs, has seen this kind of thing a lot during their many years commenting on R/AITA posts.

“AITA posts fall into two camps. Those that have found themselves confused that they’re being treated like the asshole in a situation where it seems clear they’re not the asshole and those who know they’ve been assholes but want anonymous internet people to reassure them that’s not the case,” Arthurs said. “In Sponge’s post, it was clear from the start that he’s an asshole to possibly everyone around him. We’ll just have to see if getting a majority of YTA replies will change his behavior.”

Sponge’s now ex-girlfriend, Veronica, voiced her opinion of his actions.

“It was never up for debate if he is or isn’t an asshole in the majority of his life,” she said. “In college he didn’t just participate in hazing – he was the guy inventing new hazing traditions. He’s loud, stupid, and opinionated about stuff that doesn’t affect him. He spoils movies. He’s rude to wait staff. And I’m not sure why he felt the need to post on reddit as people have been telling him he’s an asshole for years.”

At press time, Sponge’s attempts at self-improvement have reportedly been derailed as he clings to a single, buried reply saying he isn’t an asshole.

Counter-Strike 2 Player Has Déjà Vu After Using Same Slurs as Yesterday

BY KIRBY ASSAF

HARLAN, Ky. — After six solid hours of doing nothing but losing at Premier, Counter-Strike 2 player Tyler “Huge Ackman” Powell, 22, has reportedly started feeling a sense of déjà vu after using the same slurs he used yesterday.

Powell explained the feeling in an interview after his 13th loss of the night.

“Usually, I run it down mid, throw all of my flashbangs, immediately die, and then I start calling all my teammates all slurs imaginable. But after this particular loss, the routine felt odd,” Powell said. “I missed a headshot due to hit reg and got sprayed with an AK by a guy who belongs in Silver. That’s when it happened: I started screaming every slur known to man and this strange feeling rushed through me like this all happened yesterday — like I had already been through this.”

Powell still struggles to explain his situation.

“It just feels like everyday I’m miserable, shouting slurs at people I don’t know, targeted at groups of people I’ve mostly never met,” Powell continued. “I don’t know if I’ve been playing for six hours or six years. It just goes on and on. My friends think it’s just the caffeine of three energy drinks coursing through my veins but it can’t be.”

Popular Counter-Strike 2 content creator and streamer gogodanz1 gave his professional opinion on the matter.

“Anyone playing the same game every day for 12 or more hours can experience the warping of the fabric of time. When you scream the same ignorant insults every day, it’s possible to surrender your soul to toxicity and degeneracy and just get truly lost,” he said. “It happened to my friend who played Valorant. He’s gone now. Lost to the void.”

At press time, Powell has not been seen leaving his parent’s basement for some time. Sources confirm his only source of nutrition is a can of Prime his father places at the top of the stairs every night.

Derelict Club Penguin Server Now Being Used Almost Exclusively For Black Market Arms Deals

BY ADAM FROST-VENRICK

LOS ANGELES, CA — Disney executives were reportedly in a state of “panic and disarray” yesterday evening when leaked data emerged on social media detailing a derelict server of the once-popular, now-defunct Massively Multiplayer Online Game Club Penguin which is now being used almost exclusively for black market arms deals.

“We shut down the official Club Penguin in 2017, but it has lived on in black market reproductions. And now you have Lvl 15 drug lords and lvl 100 mafia bosses trying to go on there to buy weapons. This is not what Disney stands for and it’s taking time away from our real work” said Disney representative Barbara Foreman. “I was supposed to be suing a nursery schools that show our films without consent this week but now that’s pushed back.”

It has been speculated by some that the server in question may have begun on a flash drive taken from the Brixton branch of Disney Interactive, which went defunct in 2015.

“It’s quite bad,” said Ian Lowridge-Hughes, formerly of the Brixton branch, “These malicious users seem to have developed a code. They say ‘Puffle’ when they mean gun. So like, you could order a ‘pink semi-automatic Puffle’ and ask it to be ‘delivered to your igloo.’ That means ‘send a bunch of AR-15s to my militia compound.’ Or they say: ‘let’s go sledding.’ And that means, ‘I want enough C4 to level a whole city block.’ This is not what Puffles and sledding were meant to be used for. Still, I think it could be worse. Petpet Park is being used to sell organs.”

But perhaps no one has taken the news harder than the Arctic MMO’s original fanbase, players such as Oregon’s Nina Osborne, one of the few who went on the server with good intentions.

“My friend Stacy sent me a link because she knows how much that site used to mean to me. I was just there for the nostalgia,” said Osborne. “Club Penguin was my favorite thing as a kid. I just wanted the magic back. The night club, the cool outfits, the pizza shop… now the night club is where child soldiers go to plan out how to attack a town’s power grid. This isn’t what Club Penguin was supposed to be about. Like most MMOs, it was about giving dangerous adults unfettered access to children.”

At press time, the derelict server had caught the attention of United Nations officials, as sources confirmed that an “ill-tempered lime-green penguin” named “NotKimJongUn” had attempted to buy an “enriched yellow-cake Puffle.” More on this story as it develops.