Hard Digest March 3: Early Access "Gylcerine," Dopamine, Home Schooling, and More

Gavin Rossdale Reveals He Wrote “Glycerine” About His Tortured Relationship With a Rectal Suppository

BY MIRIAM JAYARATNA 

LOS ANGELES — Gavin Rossdale, the frontman of the popular ‘90s rock band Bush, disclosed that the band’s hit single was supposed to be titled “Glycerin,” and was inspired by a fraught liaison with an over-the-counter laxative pill.

“The ‘e’ at the end of the title was a spelling error on my part,” Rossdale said sheepishly. “But it’s still kind of wild to me that fans didn’t pick up on the intended meaning. Lyrics like, ‘it must be your skin / that I’m sinking in,’ ‘now you’re here / now you’re away,’ and ‘bad moon, whine again’ are very obviously about my struggle with rectal insertion. This was 30 years ago, we didn’t have YouTube to walk you through the process so I had no idea how to get it up there. I tried sitting on it, and dropping it down the back of my knickers and hoping it would find where it needed to go. Eventually I broke down I told our bass player Dave Parsons he had to help me or he was out of the band.”

Rossdale’s former girlfriend, Suze DeMarchi of Baby Animals, was one of the few people unsurprised by Rossdale’s revelation.

“Everyone assumed the song was about me, even though my relationship with Gavin was way too banal to inspire that level of angst,” said DeMarchi. “I had always assumed ‘Glycerine’ had something to do with his uh, brown ‘Comedown.’ Now I understand why he was constantly excusing himself to the bathroom before Bush shows, only to immediately return, muttering something about a ‘butt missile’ and his ‘old friend fear’ getting the better of him again.”

Despite Rossdale’s difficulties, glycerin suppositories are generally considered an effective yet gentle treatment for occasional constipation, according to gastroenterologist Michael Glack, MD.

“I certainly hope the newly elucidated meaning of the song – which, by the way, still fucking slaps – doesn’t dissuade anyone from using a suppository if they need relief from impacted stool,” said Dr. Glack. “These rectum rockets are designed to make going to the bathroom easier on you, in Rossdale’s own words. I’d advise him to keep trying. Soaking in a warm sitz bath beforehand can help relax the sphincter muscles, and lube makes for a smoother insertion.”

At press time, Rossdale revealed that his power ballad “Swallowed” was about his journey taking a fiber supplement.

How I Ended My Financial Stress by Removing Any and All Sources of Dopamine From My Budget

BY SARAH CORTINA 

Well, it’s time to grow up, and that means budgeting. When I realized my credit score was supposed to be triple digits, I had to start making some sacrifices. Luckily for me, I realized that I could be a lot more frugal if I cut out literally any and everything that provides me joy.

When I used to go to Trader Joe’s it was a place of magic and whimsy. I brushed my fingertips along the packaging, weighing whether I wanted to buy oat caramel chocolate clusters or ube mochi pancake mix. $4 a piece? Why not both? Why not everything?! But now I just sigh and purchase 5 bags of rice and beans and a bunch of bananas. My pantry looks like it was taken out of The Giver. Or a maximum security Russian prison.

I’m a music lover. I used to attend every live show I could. But concert tickets these days, with those nasty fees? No can do! So I started working as security so I could at least feel the music. Rather than stare into the eyes of the luscious-haired frontman I get to stare at a teenager having heat exhaustion from taking MDMA and not eating dinner. And I get to be jealous of them!

I love working out. Playing beach volleyball, or sunrise yoga. Spin classes gave me a sweaty, sober haven to exercise my body and exorcize some pesky inner demons. But that shit’s expensive. It was either gym membership or car insurance. Now I turn my phone on for an extra 15 minutes outside of the 8 hours I’m already held to a screen and do a monotonous YouTube workout from a girl whose very existence gives me horrendous body dysmorphia, or go outside and run in 40 degree weather while my nose burns from either a need for sunscreen or early stages of hypothermia. At least the runner’s high distracts me from my misery for a sweet 48 seconds.

I am a city person. The movement of the people, the hustle and bustle fills me with a sense of liveliness. The progressive politics too. But New York rent is too much. Los Angeles rent is too much. Even Chicago. So I moved to Oklahoma. Where the rent is low and everyone is high. Because we’re in fucking Oklahoma. I tried to find a community and instead found a raccoon in my car engine.

Speaking of movement, I love to travel. I’ve made it to 41 out of 50 states, and want to get to all 50! I passed through 5 of them while driving to Oklahoma, and almost got stabbed while sleeping in my car on the way over. But hey, wanderlust!

I used to look at my bank account and want to die, but now being dead doesn’t seem all that bad!

Man Homeschooling His Children Failed Fifth Grade Twice

BY TIM GILL 

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. – Local Dad Brayden Taylor recently decided to yank his two young boys from the Knoxville public school system and teach them from home despite the fact he failed fifth grade twice, sources confirmed.

“I don’t need my boys learning all that critical race theory and Marxism crap. Sure, right now they are just in elementary school and mainly learning about colors and shapes, but that’s just a springboard to the liberal agenda and I won’t stand by and allow it,” said Taylor while hanging another American flag in his garage for the kids to pledge allegiance to. “These schools are filled with socialist teachers asking for donations for school supplies and it makes me sick. I’m better off teaching these kids on my own and they are going to learn the USA is the best country in the world, love it or leave it.”

Taylor’s eldest son Clayton expressed his own concerns about transitioning to home-schooling.

“My dad kept talking about how bad Marxism is so I went to the library look up what it was. I’ll admit, I was kind of surprised he hated the concept so much. I guess he doesn’t realize that as a working-class man he’s a member of the proletariat, who Karl Marx says will usher in a global revolution that will finally provide dignity and respect to workers and abolish all class exploitation,” said the 10-year-old. “We’ve tried to tell him about this, but his only response was to burn our mother’s copy of Richard Marx’s 1989 album ‘Repeat Offender’ over a bonfire. It smelled really bad and my throat hurt for few days after.”

Dr. Diego Chávez Ph.D. further elucidated the problems with contemporary home-schooling.

“Right now we have too many parents with no qualifications teaching their children that certain historical episodes such as slavery never took place all because they are too afraid to admit that systemic racism is a part of the American system,” said Dr. Chávez. “As a result, they’re actually making their children dumber and even more susceptible to exploitation from the proverbial Man. But who knows? Maybe more home-schooled kids will be able to overcome their parent’s ignorance by finding resources on the internet, but I wouldn’t put money on it. I’ve never met a home-schooled kid who can actually function in society, but I pray for them.

At press time, Taylor finished prepping his first lesson plan which will mainly focus on the films of Steven Seagal.

More From The Hard Times:

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Waiting For Vendor Approval From Flavortown Music Fest 

Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth Release Floods Hair Salons With Dudes Who Think They Could Pull That Off

BY MATT FRESH 

As gamers celebrate the release of Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth, the title’s launch has left many hair salons reportedly flooded with dudes who insist they could pull off hairstyles mimicking Cloud and Sephiroth.

Salon owners say that while men thinking they can pull off one of these hairstyles isn’t new, the release of the game has caused a huge surge that they’re struggling to keep up with.

“We’ve been getting dudes like this years. Adult men, with shaggy hair and usually wearing either plaid or a henley shirt come in requesting one of these hairstyles. But now that Rebirth is out we’re just bombarded with these dudes all day,” said Tammy Struthers, a salon owner in North Dakota. “No matter how many times we try to tell them that they can’t pull off this ridiculous look, they insist they can. It’s taking away from real customers.”

“If a twinky guy like Cloud can have that hair and pull a girl like Aerith then of course I can. The customer is always right and these salons need to just give us what we want and make us look cool,” one customer who asked to remain anonymous said. “Sephiroth is all dark and disturbed but he’s also really cool and so am I. He’s literally me so it makes sense that I could pull off that hairstyle. I don’t know why these supposed professionals can’t see that.”

The surge of these dudes is reportedly causing many salons to lose business, but the owners are hopeful it will pass.

“We’re losing a lot of real clients because it just takes so long to get these dudes out. And if real clients aren’t leaving due to extended waiting times, they leave because Sephiroth dudes and Cloud dudes start play-fighting in the waiting area. This kind of thing happens whenever a Final Fantasy launches so we know it’s temporary but the key is whether we can survive the loss of business before it fades,” said Struthers.

At press time, many of the Cloud haircut dudes were seen going to Claire’s to get ear piercings.