Hard Digest March 3: Early Access Fred Durst, Hallmark, Edibles, and More

Fred Durst’s Neighbor Requests Next Time He Borrows Chainsaw He Doesn’t Return It Covered in Ass Skin

BY STEPHEN BELL 

LOS ANGELES – The neighbor of Fred Durst is reportedly nonplussed after his chainsaw was returned absolutely covered in the skin of someone’s ass after allowing the Limp Bizkit frontman to borrow it for the weekend, neighborhood sources confirmed.

“I figured that he probably needed to cut down a tree or something but damn was I wrong,” said Durst’s neighbor Scott Ebley. “Instead there’s chunks of skin gunking everything up. I assumed he did some crazy shit like cutting up a pig but no, he confirmed to me that it was 100% ass skin and nothing else. Like what the hell man? You could’ve at least done the smallest bit of cleaning but nope, all blood and ass skin. He then called me a chump and said I had to stop talking shit about ‘My Generation’ and flipped me the bird before driving away in a car shaped like his iconic red hat. We’re only two years apart in age.”

Durst believes that his neighbor should’ve expected this outcome because his catalog of music clearly showed that this is what would happen.

“I have made some things very clear about myself, I pack a chainsaw and if you come at me I’ll skin your ass raw all the way down to your chocolate starfish,” said a peeved Durst. “If I find someone rolling rolling rolling my way and I’m feeling like shit well you can only expect that you’re gonna to get it. Talk shit and you’ll be leaving with a fat lip. Do I have to make myself any clearer that I, the man who single-handedly destroyed Woodstock ‘99, will fuck you up? Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

One new chainsaw company CEO believes he has the solution to this problem if Durst is willing to hear his offer out.

“The problem with using most chainsaws to skin asses is that the blades of a chainsaw aren’t really designed to cut flesh,” said Suleyman Gorbon the CEO of ‘ChainMaul’ a company that specializes in flesh cutting chainsaws. “However, with our special vibrating porcelain chainsaw teeth you can easily skin any ass raw in half the time without risking cutting into the flesh below. I’d love to give Fred a ChainMaul and have him join on as our spokesman but he said he wouldn’t do it for anything less than 1,000,000 gallons of hot dog-flavored water and some nookie. Where the hell am I going to get that much hot dog water? The nookie shouldn’t be a problem though.”

At press time, Ebley was refusing to let Durst borrow his ‘The Who Greatest Hits’ album for fear he would be tempted to cover more of their songs.

Opinion: Listen up Liberal! I’m Scared and Need To Be Held

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

This country is going to hell. Everyday there’s some new bullshit that threatens our American way of life, like Taylor Swift and books about the Holocaust. There used to be a time when I’d only rant on Facebook in my truck four times a week, now it seems like it’s becoming a daily occurrence. Our culture is freefalling into a woke hellscape and patriots like myself are up against insurmountable odds.

So listen up liberal, because you need to know that I am scared shitless and need to be held like a baby.

Unlike you crybaby snowflakes, no one I knew growing up had mental health issues. My mother never sheltered me from the horrors of the world, and thanks to her emotional neglect I have never truly processed my childhood trauma. Do you think you’ve got the balls to embrace me and let me open up about the death of my childhood friend?

Do you have any idea what it’s like waking up and wondering if this is the day women and minorities are going to treat me the way I treated them for decades? The breaking down of my white patriarchal norms has left me feeling more vulnerable than that time I went to Subway without my AR-15. I don’t even want a bangmaid for a partner anymore, I just want someone I can let myself feel vulnerable with. That’s how bad it’s gotten.

And don’t even get me started on how terrified I am of going into the city. The last time I went, I had to walk by a bunch of people living in tents and it forced me to realize that I’m just one missed paycheck away from joining them. I am begging you libtard, look me in the eye and tell me that income inequality can be solved by pulling oneself up by their bootstraps.

Just the other day I saw a trans woman on TikTok and realized I was attracted to them. That’s right, I’ve been forced to accept that gender and sexuality are not as black and white as I assumed and that we should love people for who they are. Facts don’t care about my confusing new feelings, so I need one of you leftist commie bastards to hug me right now!

I don’t want people thinking I’m some safe space loving pussy, but it would be nice if just for a moment someone with empathy could hold me and tell me things are going to be okay.

Groundbreaking Sex Scene in Hallmark Movie Depicts 20 Seconds of Dry Humping

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Hallmark Channel’s newest movie reportedly features a groundbreaking sex scene depicting 20 seconds of dry humping between the romantic leads which is sending shockwaves through the traditional values community, sources close to production confirm.

“We built this empire by repeating the same three romantic plotlines for two decades. But viewership is down and we need to get with the times, so we’re exploring uncharted territory in our next film with a scene depicting a sensual 20-second, fully clothed dry hump between our heroes on a sofa in broad daylight,” said producer Brian Watkins. “Sure it’s not on the same level as the softcore porn you can see any day of the week on cable, but to our audience the depiction of two adults who were close as children, but grew apart over the years due to work obligations grinding on each other awkwardly is as realistic as romance gets. If this tests well, we could have implied over the shirt groping in our upcoming Christmas movies.”

One of Hallmark Channel’s go-to actors was excited but nervous about filming such an intimate scene.

“I’m completely aware that the majority of these films are not grounded in reality. But I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to push the envelope of milquetoast, traditional values romcoms with some hot jeans on jeans grinding. Before this my most intimate moment on screen was baking cookies with Alicia Witt,” said actor Mark Weibe. “Frankly it wasn’t supposed to be this big of a deal, but they blew half the budget spending three days trying to film the scene with forced perspective so we wouldn’t have to physically touch. Eventually they just said screw it, just start dry humping Lacey Chabert. I just hope my mom wasn’t watching.”

The controversial scene had the entire production on edge except for the film’s intimacy coordinator.

“I honestly thought I was on a prank show. The week prior I was micromanaging several different dicks for a Sam Levinson project and then Hallmark sent me a huge check for this movie, and I came to find out it’s just two grownups engaging in middle school shenanigans,” said Valerie Putnam. “I’ve seen sultrier shit on Nickelodeon, but I figured even prudes need a little help sometimes. I do wish I was more equipped to handle the 45 minutes of praying and crying that followed filming the scene though.”

As of press time, Hallmark announced they’d be pushing the boundaries even further in their next film when the female lead says she’s not ready for a relationship and goes back to her big job in the city.

You Didn’t Eat the Whole Thing Did You? (Guest Article by Your Friend Who Brought Edibles)

BY MAC MCCARTHY 

Woooo! San Diego! This beach condo is sick!

Who wants edibles? I hit up that dispensary by the airport on our way here. The dude said these are just like regular gummy worms except…

Holy shit, did you eat the whole bag on the way here?

You thought I brought an entire bag of these for each person? That was supposed to last the six of us for the whole week. That dose is for each gummy, not the entire bag! Have you ever had edibles before? Fuck, if I ever ate a second gummy, I would become the couch for the day. And there were 30 in there! You idiot, that was enough THC to sedate a gorilla for surgery. But first, you’re probably going to be a paranoid lunatic for the rest of the night.

Let’s see that was about an hour ago right? Yeah so right about now you’re probably starting to feel… Hey! CALM DOWN! You need to fucking chill.

All this screaming is going to make it worse. Plus you should really keep that heart rate down for the next 24 hours. Remember, there is nothing you can do to stop this. The train has left stoner station and you’re stuck on board. This is going to be a long weekend for you and an annoyingly sober weekend for the rest of us while we babysit your dumb ass. You’re going to be energized by fear but also paralyzed by, well, fear.

Where are you going? Get back here!

Nobody is going to the hospital! Come drink this Gatorade and lie down on the floor. You’re going to want these electrolytes over the next couple of days, and honestly, this might be your last opportunity to make full use of your arms.

Ok, great job. You’re doing alright. Just take some deep breaths. Are you feeling any better?

No? Well, at least you’re not freaking out anymore. And maybe you can learn a lesson from this experience. Maybe next time you’ll wait for the rest of us instead of eating all the candy like some fucking toddler. Now can you please shut up and go to sleep?

That’s it, there you go, just drift off now. I know you feel pretty rocky right now but just remember, the chances of this being permanent are less than half. Less than half dude! Chill!

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