thehardtimes

Hard Digest Feb. 28: Texas Wild Fires, Mitch McConnell, Early Access AC/DC, Train, and More

Added 2024-02-29 01:00:04 +0000 UTC

Gov. Abbott Enlists Texas National Guard to Shoot at Wildfires

AUSTIN, Texas — Governor Greg Abbott deployed Texas National Guard troops to combat the rapidly spreading wildfires in the state’s Panhandle, according to his press conference’s increasingly confused-looking ASL interpreter.

“We’re confronting this fire in the same way Texans deal with any emergency,” said Gov. Abbott. “Texans don’t pussyfoot around like some other woke states who just want to splash water around. If we see a problem, we attack it head-on with decisive force. Right now, there are thousands of Guard troops encircling the fire with concertina wire, while others are firing a barrage of high-caliber rounds directly at the flames in an effort to halt its progress. We’re also setting out the same buoys we installed in the Rio Grande as another method of containment.”

While the governor’s tactics are unorthodox, many of those affected by the wildfire remain steadfast in their support of Abbott.

“I watched as those brave Guardsmen attacked the fire with everything they had,” said Hutchinson County resident Edith Ward. “Even though my house—and the entire neighborhood—was completely consumed by the flames, I was comforted in knowing the governor is in control and is actually doing something about it. He didn’t sit around jawing with consultants and so-called ‘experts.’ Just like with the border crisis, Abbott got on the horn and made things happen immediately. You fight fire with fire, everyone knows that.”

Climatologist Jeoffrey Greene stresses that there is no evidence to suggest bullets of any kind would be able to effectively suppress a wildfire.

“I’m not against out-of-the-box thinking when it comes to dealing with crises such as this, but there’s nothing in the scientific journals that support this action,” said Greene while running a computer simulation of a bullet being shot into a fire. “And I hate to tell them that the fire is just going to sweep right over all that barbed wire. I worry that as distrust in science grows, we’re going to see a lot more outlandish conservative tactics rolled out to deal with environmental disasters. For instance, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis recently claimed that banning pronouns can somehow help to stave off sea level rise.”

At press time, Gov. Abbott’s science advisor was reportedly working with engineers to develop some kind of gun that could shoot ice cubes instead of bullets.

Guy Just Drunk Enough That “You Shook Me All Night Long” Best Song He’s Ever Heard

BY JOE RUMRILL

WEST HARTFORD, Conn. — A previously too-cool-for-school music snob is reportedly just inebriated enough to loudly appreciate AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” playing on the jukebox, sources confirmed while trying not to get him started on the subject yet again.

“I know I’ve probably heard this song a few billion times, but god DAMN is that riff hitting my sweet spot right about now. And sure, it might be the six hazy IPAs I’ve had in the past two hours, but it’s more likely that ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ is actually just an unfettered symphony of sonic brilliance,” said 24-year-old Johnny “The Zipper” Gairdner, while spinning around on his barstool in rhythm. “The chorus is coming up, and I’m honestly looking forward to it the way a kid gets excited for Christmas morning to arrive. I’m getting misty-eyed, it’s so beautiful…I…I think I need to be alone with the song right now, if it’s alright with you.”

Longtime bartender Lou Herring is apparently no stranger to the phenomenon.

“Oh, it’s my sly little trick, you see? I know that I’ve served someone the exact correct level of alcohol when it slowly begins to dawn on them that the ‘Shook’ guitar riff is one of the best in rock history, despite its rampant overexposure. I feel like a scientist every time it works,” hollered Herring, as the song played yet again. “The only downside is that this particular drunk guy has now played it on the jukebox 14 times in a row, and my other patrons are getting a little sick of it. Plus, he started a fistfight with another music snob across the bar who was reappraising Led Zeppelin’s ‘Black Dog.’ I guess this bar just wasn’t big enough for the two of them.”

Gairdner’s father is among the throng of people upset with his son’s extremely loud, and late, assessment of the AC/DC catalog.

“C’mon, man, I’ve been telling that fuckin’ kid that AC/DC ripped since he was in the womb! You’re telling me it takes a half dozen brews to realize that? What did I raise, a damn dullard?” said a hurt John Gairdner Sr., as he covertly put a beer on his son’s tab. “Guess I regret not giving him more Budweiser as a child, so we could have had this bonding moment far sooner. Let this be a lesson to all the parents reading: you gotta take this shit seriously, or it’ll end up biting you in the ass- oh, shut up, the solo’s coming up, I gotta hear this!”

At press time, after a few more drinks, Gairdner has now proclaimed “the whirring of the men’s room hand dryer” is now the best song he’s ever heard.

Autistic Man Tired of Everyone Assuming His Favorite Band is Train

BY AUDREY VIEIRA

SAN FRANCISCO — Local man Jeff Pierson is allegedly “frustrated beyond belief” after his recent autism diagnosis led friends and family to assume he unironically enjoys the band Train, sources playing Mr. Mister on the radio report.

“Ever since the summer of 2009, I’ve been certain of two things — that I was probably autistic, and that I do not like a single Train song,” Pierson said while in line to return a Drops of Jupiter CD given to him for his birthday. “I know they all suck because ever since my diagnosis, people keep playing their music for me because they think they’re my favorite band. It’s such a hurtful stereotype. My real friends know I’m obsessed with the Final Destination franchise, not some soft rock bullshit. I can’t even enjoy my favorite kills now because people bring up how Train wrote ‘50 Ways to Say Goodbye’ about some of them.”

Train frontman Pat Monahan doubted Pierson’s claims about being stereotyped, insisting “at least a couple” autistic fans enjoy the band’s music.

“I’ve had quite a few parents come up to me at shows and tell me how much their kids love our tunes,” Monahan said while hiding from a group of middle-aged mothers. “One mom told me that ‘Hey Soul Sister’ inspired their nonverbal son to speak for the first time in ages. Technically he said ‘Turn it off,” but you know, he was probably confused. Autistic kids are sensitive to loud noises, not our mellow jams. I just pray someday the good people at Autism Speaks find a cure so these kids can survive to adulthood and join their moms at our shows.”

Psychiatrist Dr. Jennifer Holmes countered Monahan’s statements with her own data about autistic patients and Train’s music.

“Autism is a spectrum, and all of my autistic patients have different experiences living on that spectrum. That being said, they all agree that Train sucks,” Holmes said while examining her research. “Not all of my patients report being sensitive to loud music, but almost every single one carries earplugs in case they need to block out ‘Drive By’ on the radio. Some people just don’t want to hear overplayed TJMaxx music from the late aughts.”

At press time, Pierson was busy looking at train schedules.

How to Get The Most out Of Your Target Gift Card by Also Shoplifting

BY MATTHEW SCHNEEMAN Gift cards can feel both like limitless free money but they also seem to evaporate as soon as you enter the store. Unfortunately the grandparent that gave you the gift card is on a fixed income and can’t fund your life through the magic of pre-loaded cards. Here are a couple of tips to make that $20 to $50 of Target store credit go further than you ever imagined.

Before you go: If you’re going to a Super Target check your cupboards before you hit the road. It may not be too flashy but if you’re running low on olive oil or coffee you might want to use your gift card on a few household staples. Another tip before you go … don’t forget your gift card!

Food! Target’s food selection leans towards their packaged foods but their produce, though limited, is always in season. Even avocados! Grab a handful of these alligator pears and don’t forget to use the self-checkout where you just might accidentally select ‘2’ instead of ‘6’ when ringing yourself up.

Bang for your buck! On your way in grab some pool noodles or laundry baskets. They’re cheap and will make you look like a respectable Target patron. Even if you look a mess they’ll assume you’re in between work and bringing your kids to swim practice and are just a bit frazzled. No funny business here

Deals! Double up on your savings by using coupons or deals. Target will even offer gift cards as a part of a sale. Use your gift card to get a gift card! One current deal is a $10 gift card if you buy three packs of Scotts toilet paper. And now that your arms are full no one will judge you when you accidentally bump into some concealer or eye shadow while walking through the makeup aisle and they happen to fall into a pocket or two. Everybody poops!

Bring a buddy! Seeing the world through a kid’s eye can make any place seem fresh and exciting so bring a niece or nephew along for the ride! If it’s winter you can use their coat pockets to hold smaller items you might not want to pay for and no one will suspect them.

One good item for this hack are Gillette Mach 3 blades. They are one of more expensive but still compact items Target sells and they aren’t hidden behind any security features. Plus they have great resale potential! !

Go big while going home! By now you’re probably at your giftcard’s max and your arms are pretty full so it’s time to check out. (Remember, ditch that receipt in case any red shirts are getting nosy!) But before you go try out this one last hail mary. Do a quick swing back in the store and grab a Dyson cordless vacuum cleaner (They can be up to $800!). Bring it to customer service and say you’d like to return it. When that fails just say ‘Oh no… I have to keep it?’ and then skuttle out like the gorgeous trickster you are.

Expect more, pay less!

Happy shopping!

Mitch McConnell Kicked From Server for Too Much Lag

BY BS MITCHELL

KENTUCKY – Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has reportedly been kicked from the Senate Server for too much lag, sources confirm.

“Those who want to play politics are required to have a certain response time,” Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said. “Although we appreciate his years of gameplay, the lag has simply become unbearable and it’s time for everyone to vote kick.”

McConnell told reporters gathered outside his office that he felt although his lag was a bit elevated, he still had what it takes to contribute to the Silent Generation team.

“Today I’m proud to…” McConnell said, freezing entirely for several moments as others sped by around him. “…”

Kentucky residents who’ve allegedly played with McConnell outside of politics noted his struggles with lag follow him everywhere. They say he is known in virtual Mahjong & Scrabble communities to arrange tiles in ways that didn’t make coherent sense and that his cognitive and computing frame rates can’t keep up with online crossword puzzles.

“I carried our co-op online crossword session from start to finish,” said Meredith Jefferson, 87. “He couldn’t even remember that Sinatra sang Fly Me To The Moon! Just anxiously froze up and kept stammering to himself about tax cuts for the rich or something.”

According to several interviews, many of McConnell’s constituents are unhappy with his laginess, and overall unwillingness to move forward with time. Even Daniel Hawkins, a rare Gen-z conservative who voted in favor of McConnell’s healthcare paywalls, wasn’t buying him as an effective team player any longer.

“Every time the team needs him for something he is completely frozen and won’t respond,” Hawkins said. “I even saw him glitch through several long-held political norms. At first I liked that but now it’s time to kick.”

At press time, we are still waiting for a reply from McConnell’s office.

Ultra-Immersive Resident Evil 4 VR Flooded With Negative Reviews

BY DREW SAUNDERS

DENVER – Gamers around the world who don’t understand the true nature of immersion have flooded the VR port of Resident Evil 4 (2023) with negative reviews, complaining the presence of Leon’s long hair covers much of the player’s view. Some also incorrectly asserted the game had broken half of their VR headset’s display, according to a review of the comments.

Along with Steam reviews, some went to X (Formerly Twitter) to vent their frustrations.

“HELLO??! I want to be able to see the damn game!” one user posted. “I’m left-handed too. How am I supposed to aim? If this feature stays in the game, then I will request a refund.”

Director Kazunori Kadoi took to social media to respond to criticisms of the feature, most notably if the hair feature can be removed in any way.

“We want the game to be as immersive as possible, so we will keep the hair visible to the player’s view,” Kadoi said. “But there will be a patch that allows players to flip their hair to the side, allowing for the temporary use of sight. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.”

In a statement to the press he continued to defend the vision.

“We have always strived to make each new entry more immersive, and we will not bow to criticism,” Kadoi said. “Every strand of hair was meticulously designed to flow in the wind, and hang loosely and naturally directly in front of your field of view.”

While the idea of looking through the eyes of Leon S. Kennedy certainly sounds thrilling, the surprising obstacle that is Leon’s hair is definitely a dealbreaker to some.

At press time, fans continue to speculate if Capcom will stick to this bold decision.

Weird Kid Takes Funko Pop on Whirlwind Playtime Adventure Outside Sacred Box

BY DAN BOOKBINDER

MATAWAN, NJ– Family and friends are shocked 7-year-old Zay Metcalf has been seen taking Funko Pops out of their cardboard tombs and on hours-long whirlwind adventures of childhood whimsy, reports confirm.

“They’re kind of fun,” Metcalf said, reenacting scenes from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem on the front steps of his house. “I like them because you can get all the guys. Target is always sold out of the good figures, and when they do got them, it’s super expensive, it costs all the birthday money for one ‘Ninja Shouts Donatello.’ But at the scary mall you can get these for three for $10.”

Metcalf’s uncle, Josh Metcalf, is particularly stunned by his nephew’s interest in Funko Pops as playthings.

“He has no idea of the potential value of these collectibles. He takes them out of the box, runs around the playground with them and takes them to school,” Josh Metcalf said, spraying a Haslab Marvel Legends Sentinel with an aerosol duster can. “And he’s not even impressed with the Metallic Freddie Funko as Count Chocula I got at San Diego in 2011! He prefers the characters from his favorite shows, totally ignoring the price on the secondary market … Last Christmas, I got him a bunch of Eternals figures that were on clearance at Barnes and Noble. He didn’t even care about the characters’ backstory, he just wanted to sit around making stuff up. Really weird.”

The Funko Pops as toys phenomenon has been condemned by the Funko corporation.

“Pops were never intended to be used for play. In fact, we did everything short of making them out of asbestos to make them unappealing to children. Cheap material, no accessories, single point of articulation, horrible designs, we spared every cost to make them as cheap, disposable, and ugly as possible,” said Funko CEO, Andrew Perlmutter as he handwaved approval for a line of Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget figures.

“Pops were made for specific purposes–as filler for loot crates and mystery boxes, or office decor for when you know exactly one of your secret santa’s interests, also for speculators and scalpers to gamble with. Not as toys,” he said as stared into the expressionless black eyes of Rocky the chicken.

At press time Metcalf’s parents replied to reporters with a brief email writing, “we really don’t care, as long as it keeps him off the iPad.”

Man Hastily Tied to Gaming Chair and Shrieking in Latin Announces Plan to Obey Talking Flowers From “Super Mario Bros. Wonder” at Any Cost

BY HG PUNK

PITTSBURGH – For most Nintendo fans, the Talking Flowers have made a lovable addition to the Mario franchise in Super Mario Bros. Wonder. But for one gamer currently tied down to his gaming chair and shrieking demonic phrases in Latin tongues, they hold the answer to everything he must do to finally make the pain stop.

“FLORES NON DESINUNT, NUMQUAM DESINUNT, EOS TANTUM PROHIBERE VOLO,” shrieked James Walker in both a high pitched and low pitched voice simultaneously from all corners of the room while tied to his gaming chair by worried roomates. “QUOTIES EGO PAREM LUDO, MODO DICUNT MIHI OMNES ESSE DEBERE MORI, QUOD OMNES DEBENT SOLVERE – EGO OMNEM GOOMBA PRESSI ET OMNE EXTREMUM FLOS DENARIUS QUEM MERUI SOLVI, QUID A ME PLUS DESIDERANT? ETIAM CUM LUDO SICUT YOSHI, DAMNUM ADHUC FACTUM EST.”

James’s insistence that the Flowers have a sinister grip over him is not fully convincing to those closest to him, including his own girlfriend.

“I’ve never seen those flowers say anything that wasn’t a quirky non-sequitur,” revealed Lindsey, James’s girlfriend of three years, as a vase flew across the room on its own. “Do you think he’s faking it? I think he’s trying to get out of seeing my parents this weekend. He always does stuff like this.”

“I’ll admit the demonic bile was a nice touch though, he must have got it off the internet,” she added.

According to roommates, a Gamer Priest was called in to perform a exorcist on James, in part to test if he was faking.

“They threw G-fuel on him and it burned his skin,” said one roommate, who asked not to be identified as they didn’t know if what happened that day was legal. “I thought for sure that meant it was real but then a little got on me and it burned the shit out of me too. What’s in that stuff?”

As of press time, the man was seen still tied to his gaming chair, levitating several feet above the floor, spinning rapidly and receiving DMs on Discord asking when he was getting online.