thehardtimes

Hard Digest Feb. 27: Early Access Christian Ska, Girl Scout Cookies, and More

Added 2024-02-28 01:00:04 +0000 UTC

Priest Suffers Crisis of Faith After Hearing Christian Ska Band

MINNEAPOLIS — Local priest Pastor Stephen Kramer is reportedly suffering a crisis of faith after hearing Christian ska band Skadom and Gomhorna play for his congregation, members of his church confirmed.

“War, famine, disease—I’ve always been able to reconcile these terrible things as part of God’s unknowable plan, but when I heard that Christian ska music it was so horrific it made me question if the Almighty loves us, or even exists at all,” said Pastor Kramer, tossing his bible in a trash can. “All those heavy metal bands are satanic, but they at least speak to a darker side of the human condition that we can understand and overcome. But what kind of a God would permit a grotesque, nihilistic band like Skadom and Gomhorna to inflict such suffering on his flock that he supposedly loves? No God I want to worship.”

After the traumatizing incident, one member of the priest’s church revealed he wasn’t the only one starting to second guess their commitment to the faith.

“You should have seen the chaotic scene when that so-called band played that awful song, ‘Land of Skank and Horney,’ and started doing some weird dance like they were possessed by the devil. Everyone ran for the exits with their ears bleeding, and I thought it was the seven horns signaling the beginning of the apocalypse,” said longtime church member Reynold Altavilla. “Ever since that day, Pastor Kramer has been very distant and the crowd at Sunday service hasn’t been that sparse since that Christian karate team called Kickin’ It For Christ performed for us in the ‘90s.”

But while countless members of the church were scarred by the incident, the ska band’s lead singer James “Brassy J” Collins told a different account of their concert.

“You should have seen the crowd go wild when we started playing our hit single ‘Hark, the Herald Angels Skank.’ They were running around and speaking in tongues like they were possessed with the Holy Spirit! It’s times like this that renew my faith that my band was put on this earth to point our mighty horn section at all of God’s children and blast his message of Skalvation directly into their grateful faces,” said Collins, filling in the checkers on his Vans slip-ons to make a crucifix. “And just like Jesus at Bethsaida, we were feeding the hungry masses a mouthful of ska with five servings of hornbread and two fishbones.”

In an attempt to rejuvenate his faith, Pastor Kramer reportedly went to a Christian music festival over the weekend, but gave up entirely after a 17-minute song by Christian prog rock band King of Kings Crimson just made it worse.

Conservative Think Tank Spends $40 Million Trying to Frame Girl Scout Cookies as Woke

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — A bombshell study recently revealed a Conservative think tank spent $40 million trying to find a way to frame Girl Scout cookies as woke, Washington insiders reported.

“We’re just as surprised as anyone else that it cost this much to character-assassinate the Girl Scouts, considering how effortlessly we turned the conservative base against Bud Light and Target for acknowledging the trans community as human beings. We figured if we could also convince voters that Girl Scout cookies were woke, and that women’s empowerment is a threat to national security. Boy were we dead wrong,” said Conservatives Against Everything (CAE) founder Bob Williams. “Seriously no matter how many studies and focus groups we’ve conducted, even in the deep South, could we find anyone who would turn their back on the cookies. I can’t believe we blew through our year’s budget just to get our asses handed to us by Thin Mints.”

Many young members of the Girl Scouts were shocked to learn that so much effort was being put into undermining the organization’s mission.

“I’m only in the fourth grade, but I think that money could be spent on something like my school having enough supplies. I wonder if these are the same creeps who are always watching us from a distance when we’re selling cookies outside of the grocery store and asking if we knew about critical race theory, or if nonbinary vegans like Tagalongs,” said Natalie Smith. “Maybe they’ll move on now, since our pack leader put one of them in a chokehold last week after he asked if I had my period yet.”

Experts in feminist history were not surprised by the conservative plot to tarnish the image of Girl Scout cookies.

“Preventing women from having anything nice is as American as apple pie, but going after little treats is a new low even for conservatives. It absolutely doesn’t matter that a cookie can’t be ‘woke’, but they’ll stop at nothing to win the culture war,” said Professor of Feminist History Laurie Jones. “These think tanks are always inventing new schemes, like when they said the YWCA was training women to conquer men, or that Greta Gerwig was the head of the Illuminati. Fortunately the bond between humanity and Girl Scout cookies is unbreakable. They will pry Samoas out of the American public’s cold, dead hands.”

After exhausting their funding for the foreseeable future, CAE recommended to conservative leaders to fall back on the continuing narrative that illegal immigrants are lacing Thin Mints with fentanyl.

Trouble in Paradise? My Wife Just Sent Me Nudes Followed by “Sorry, Wrong Number”

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

The foundation of any good marriage is communication, which is why my wife and I text each other multiple times throughout the day. Whether I’m just checking in to say “I love you” or she’s lambasting me for forgetting to load the dishwasher again, we are completely transparent. But she just texted me something a few hours ago that I can’t quite wrap my brain around.

I think my marriage might not be as perfect as I thought because she just texted me several explicit nude photos of herself followed by “Sorry, wrong number”!

Now before everyone assumes the worst, I am 75% sure I’m not being cucked and those are pretty good odds if you ask me. I know she loves me! Nobody cried (what I assume were tears of happiness) at our wedding harder than she did.

I was pleasantly surprised at first as I thought maybe she was insinuating that I come home early for a surprise until I remembered the only time we ever have sex is on my birthday. But did she really send it to the wrong number? I bet she meant to text her OBGYN, hence the fact she was wearing expensive lingerie. She goes to a pretty reputable clinic.

Granted, the most intimate text message she sent me in the last three years was a reminder to get strawberries while I was at the grocery store. I thought she wanted to incorporate some food play into the bedroom but it turns out she just needed them for a pie.

Okay, let’s play devil’s advocate and say that it was meant for another man, or woman! I’m not a bigot. What am I supposed to do, break her trust and read her text messages when she’s in the bathroom? I couldn’t anyway since she constantly brings her phone with her when she showers.

Fuck it, I’m going to ask who was supposed to be on the receiving end of her tits. Christ, I can’t afford a divorce attorney in this economy. Maybe if— oh, she’s texting me back. What does “she’s busy” mean? I’ve never known her to speak in third person. She must be out with her work friend again!

Oh well, I guess we can table this discussion when she gets in tomorrow morning.

Game Developer Puts Layoffs on Seasonal Roadmap

BY MATT FRESH

TORONTO — Layoffs in the game industry have quickly become an all too common theme. Developers who worked on a successful game often face mass layoffs without warning. Well, one game development company is putting an end to that by having layoffs on their game’s seasonal roadmap.

Rongo Studios has decided enough is enough with out of nowhere layoffs. They decided it was only fair to put it right in the schedule. CEO & Founder Hunter Bishop explained the decision during the announcement.

“It is always really disheartening to see good devs get blindsided by layoffs. People say it’s part of the business, but it doesn’t have to be. I’ve decided to be the change I wanted to see in this world and put our layoffs right in the seasonal roadmap for our game so our employees know exactly what to expect,” he said.

The studio’s upcoming game, Scorchers, is a live service rogue-like PVPVE looter shooter with battle royal elements. While no release date has been announced, they have revealed the roadmap for the first three seasons, and true to Bishop’s word, layoffs are on there.

“As you can see layoffs, will happen during week 3 of our second season which will come 2 weeks after the launch of our first raid and 1 week before we announce the game is the most profitable in our studio’s history,” said Bishop.

“The raid launch will come with huge server and balance issues which we believe will soften the community on the layoffs when they happen.”

Employees at Rongo are happy they have a boss who seems to care about their feelings.

“Layoffs are an unavoidable part of being a game dev but to work at a place that cares enough about us to be upfront with when they’re gonna happen is really nice,” said environment designer Bob Benson. “I now get to plan ahead of time what I’m gonna do in my unemployment and scout out the next place I’ll be laid off from.”

Game industry analyst Tammy Campbell thinks this will revolutionize the industry.

“To let your employees know ahead of time when layoffs will happen is unheard of in this industry. So many developers nowadays don’t care about their employees at all, and it’s heartwarming to see companies stepping up to do what’s right,” explained Campbell. “If this experiment works, I have no doubt other studios will follow suit.”

As of press time, Bishop plans on adding being acquired and then shut down by Embracer Group on the next roadmap.

YouTuber’s Tearful Apology Brought to You by Ball Shaving Company

BY GARRISON DESIENO

LOS ANGELES – Amid several allegations of grooming, plagiarizing, and using aimbot, Duncan Gilroy, known as SquirrelyMcDuck on YouTube, has released an ill advised apology video sponsored by a ball shaving company.

“Thank you so much to MANSCAPED® for sponsoring this apology” Duncan said, beginning the two hour video with a big sigh. “This is a follow up to the screenshot of my Notes App apology I posted on my story. Some of you didn’t think that was ‘sincere’ so me and my friends at MANSCAPED® have teamed up to set the record straight.”

The YouTuber with 27 million subscribers then begins to explain his wrongdoings in an incoherent mess of interpretive dance, questionable impressions, and a long monologue eerily similar to Michelle Obama’s speech at the 2016 Democratic National Convention.

“I am ashamed of what I’ve done, and now know that the only grooming a guy like me should be doing is with the new and improved Lawn Mower® 4.0 with skin safe technology and controllable LED lights.” Duncan then demonstrates how waterproof the titanium testicle trimmer is with the tears of his remorse.

At this point in the feature length presentation, Duncan picks up his dog, Ocho, to deflect any real criticism onto an adorably helpless puppy. “Man’s best friend can get you through some dark times, but man’s second best friend is the new Weed Whacker® 2.0 that can tackle both ear and nose hair.”

As the video concludes, Duncan had successfully cried twice and plugged MANSCAPED® over sixty times.

“I’m going to take a break from the vlog, maybe take a trip with MANSCAPED® Perfect Platinum 5.0 Luxury Package, and reconnect to who I was before all of this. I’ll be gone for a while, but not as long as the battery life of the Lawn Mower® 4.0.”

At press time, using discount code ‘FORGIVEN’ at check out will get you 15% off your next purchase of $100 or more at MANSCAPED.com.