thehardtimes

Hard Digest Feb. 24: Skateboarding, Early Access Swing Revival, Social Anxiety, Ketamine and More

Added 2024-02-25 01:00:04 +0000 UTC

Current Owner of House From Cover of ‘Rohnert Park’ Asks Again That Visiting Fans Refrain From Practicing Kickflips In Street After Posted Quiet Hours

ROHNERT PARK, Calif. — Homeowner Ben Founier admits he’s losing patience with fans who attempt to recreate Ceremony’s famous cover shot outside his house, according to neighbors who are glad their home wasn’t the subject of an iconic album’s artwork.

“I thought it was pretty cool when I found out the house I just bought was on the cover of a highly regarded hardcore album,” said Fournier as cranked up a white noise machine. “But after the first dozen times people came by with their boards, I began to grow weary of it. I put up signs saying what times they’re welcome–-basically when I’m at work—but they don’t seem to care. They’ll show up whenever. I’m really not one of those get-off-my-lawn types, but now I’m begging: Please respect the quiet hours!”

The tourists occasionally arrive simultaneously, forming an impromptu skate crew outside of Fournier’s house.

“I was visiting my old college roommate who lives nearby,” said Larry Hughes, skater and Ceremony fan. “He suggested we head over and try to recreate the cover. When we got there, we saw a bunch of other people had the same idea. So we all just ended up skating and hanging out. Someone blasted ‘Rohnert Park’ on a Bluetooth speaker, and then another dude went out and got some 40s. We were out there really late. Do I feel bad for the guy that lives there now? Nah, we actually knocked and asked him to join us. But he was all like, ‘It’s three in the morning, wah wah wah.’”

Laurie McKevitt, author of “Punk Rock Real Estate” says people who buy notorious houses should know what they’re getting into.

“If you’re going to buy a house that is associated with a major work of underground music, you have to be ready for what are presumably unwanted visitors,” said McKevitt. “For example, the couple who bought the American Football house initially thought they had a Peeping Tom problem, but it turned out to be record nerds arriving at dusk trying to get a photo at just the right angle. The family that lives in the Replacements’ ‘Let It Be’ house tried to get an ordinance passed that would require real estate agents to disclose if houses had landmark status among any undesirable subcultures.”

At press time, the skate stoppers Fournier had installed on the curb had resulted in several skaters being injured, each of whom has now sued for damages.

Dry Cleaning Bill Bankrupts Swing Revival Band

BY ROBERT JOHN SCUCCI

NEW YORK – Up-and-coming swing revival band The Boofing Sleuthers are ready to call it quits after mounting dry-cleaning bills wiped out their bottom line, disappointed managers and accountants confirmed.

“The swing revival pretty much died out in the mid-’90s, so when we busted out onto the scene with throwback tunes like ‘Daddy Needs Three Fingers of Buttermilk,’ we pretty much cornered the market,” said frontman Dax ‘Babytooth’ McCallister. “We were packing out clubs and making bank, but nobody told us that the regular maintenance and upkeep of 12 zoot suits would eat up our entire profit margin. We even had to start a GoFundMe to get back home after the last tour date because we had no money left over for gas.”

Band manager Terry Fink crunched the numbers, and had no choice but to force the band to file chapter 11 after reviewing their annual ledger.

“Dry cleaning bills notwithstanding, there are other factors to consider,” said Fink as he hunched over an adding machine trying to make sense of the band’s pomade expense report for fiscal January. “Sure, the band’s daily burn runs about $1,200 so they can look sharp on stage, but there’s also collateral damage that didn’t even cross our minds. Billy Bob ‘The Throb’ Steele insisted on renting a Stradivarius double-bass for a video shoot, and his cufflinks did a number on the varnish, setting us back by thousands. We’re operating on a $65,000 deficit for the last month alone, and that’s a conservative ballpark figure if I’m being entirely honest.”

Band costume designer Beth Franklin takes partial responsibility for bankrupting The Boofing Sleuthers, but doesn’t necessarily have any regrets.

“When I was put on the payroll to design the band’s wardrobe, I probably could have just gone to a costume store and done it on the cheap,” Franklin said while letting out the crotch seam for one of the plus-sized members. “But they were packing out clubs and the checks were always cleared, so I went all out. I work on a percentage-based commission, so naturally I spared no expense while looking for the highest-quality Panama hats the vintage market had to offer.”

After meeting with their accountant to figure out how to dissolve the band’s assets, McCallister was spotted drowning his sorrows in a 1910 Renault Vintage Cognac he managed to expense to the record label.

Barber Thinks You’re a Fucking Loser- Guest Column by Social Anxiety

BY ELLIE FITZPATRICK

Look at you, so brave getting a haircut from a real barber! What a self-care win for you! Let’s just get a few things straight—yes, when you opened the door you did push it open too hard, yes, everyone was startled by it, and yes, everyone currently thinking to themselves “Who is this meatball and why are they here?”

You are not on their level, and you know it.

Oh isn’t that nice, the man at the front is asking if you want anything to drink? If you say yes, who the hell do you think you are? Everyone will think “Look at this entitled dick demanding seltzer water at the barbershop like some kind of power-mad god-king.” Then again, What kind of message does saying “no thanks” send? Oh, so you think you’re too good for barbershop beverages? Oh my god you still haven’t answered? Better pick one quick! Don’t worry, either way, that guy is going to make fun of you to his friends later.

Went with the water huh? You’re such a dick. The barber is ready for you.

The cape is slightly too tight, which the barber is doing on purpose because he hates you. Any respect he may have had for you will vanish after you show him your reference for a haircut, which is, God help us, a picture of Gene Ween from Ween. That’s odd, that is odd behavior. Your barber thinks you’re a weird virgin.

Now for the big question: do you try to make conversation? If you do, holy shit, does everything have to be about you? This man doesn’t want to hear about your life, or God forbid, be forced to divulge information about his. Ever heard of emotional labor, idiot? So you stay silent. And now your barber thinks you’re an antisocial weirdo, and he’s probably going to call National Security the moment you leave.

This haircut is really shitty. It’s way too short, and you know for a fact it’s going to dry all weird the second you wash it. He probably fucked it up on purpose, which, to be fair, you absolutely deserve. He asks you if you like it, and, like a spineless coward, you nod. “Yeah, man. Great.”

New Relationship Entered Mostly as Excuse to Rewatch Favorite Movies

BY JOE RUMRILL

ORLANDO, Fla. — Local cinephile Misty Fremonta started seeing a new guy as an excuse to rewatch her favorite films during the “courtship” process, sources confirmed amid the sound of a copy of “Defending Your Life” being popped into the VCR.

“I was a little on the fence about this meathead I was talking to on Hinge. Not really anyone of substance, but handsome enough. Anyway, turns out, he’s so into me that we can basically watch whatever I want when we get together for date nights, so I figure, what the hell – a way to rewatch stuff I’ve seen a million times and feel like I’m being constructive,” said Fremonta, while ignoring a FaceTime from her new paramour. “It’s the perfect excuse. It took him a few Preston Sturges flicks to learn I don’t condone male chatter during viewings, but once he learned to come over, sit on the far end of the couch, and leave shortly after, it’s pretty much been the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in.”

Fremonta’s new suitor is allegedly having a positive experience acquainting himself with the world of film without the burden of physical contact with another human being.

“Oh yeah, I love the movies she chooses. Especially the ones with no color, I’m told those are the ones I’m having the best time watching. I always secretly hope the Three Stooges show up whenever I see something in black and white, but ‘Casablanca’ didn’t have them, but it was still good…Still good,” trailed-off part-time tire alignment technician and recent Criterion Channel subscriber Dave Szyminski. “Yeah, but as much as I’m having a blast hanging out with her, I do hope the next time she says I can put on ‘Rudy’ she’ll actually mean it. Little guy just wants to play football so badly. It’s a, what does she call it… oh yeah, a ‘cinematic triumph’!”

Representatives of the film logging social media app Letterboxd confirmed that watch patterns change suddenly in these situations.

“It’s a terribly common case, in fact. Without fail, we always see a, shall we say, ‘erudite’ spike in simpler straight male watch history once they enter a relationship with a cinephile. It would be fascinating if it weren’t such a shame that these fellows were being strung along like human sausage links,” said Letterboxd Analytics Associate Tina Trent-Sperry. “But, I gotta say the tonal whiplash from these poor schlubs ingesting a steady diet of ‘Fast & Furious’ movies to sudden five-star ratings for Elaine May’s filmography with captions like ‘will have to rewatch a few times to gather all my true thoughts’ is always something we laugh about around the office.”

Unfortunately, the relationship was promptly ended after only five minutes of a brief streetwide power outage.

5 Other Things Made for Horses You Can Enjoy While on Ketamine

BY TIM SHEARD

We all know that ketamine is actually for horses. Well, technically for various veterinary and medical uses, but mostly horses. Still, humans have been enjoying (and not enjoying) the effects of K for decades now. Unfortunately, very few people are aware that other things made for horses can also be fun for humans, especially when your are loaded off of your tits on ketamine.

Here’s a list of the best horse paraphernalia, gear, and accessories to really hone in on your equine side while taking a tranquilizer.

Himalayan Salt Lick Block

These big hunks of pink salt on a rope are…exactly as described. You (or a horse) lick it, and it’s salty. On ketamine, it’s a textural adventure for your tongue! It also provides some minerals and nutrients apparently? You’ll probably need those since you’re deficient in everything except vitamin K.

Horse Grooming Brush

These coarse bristle brushes are sure to hit the spot—just look how much horses love them! Imagine how good it must feel to have someone brush your back as you’re laying face down on the couch incapacitated, staring at the crumbs in between the cushions.

A Saddle

A saddle is the perfect accessory for ket users who are out at a rave or club. Show off your unique sense of style while also not-so-subtly hinting that you want someone to ride you! Will you actually be able to have sex while on this stuff? Not likely. But you can at least lay in bed next to someone with your saddle on and they can, I dunno, wrap their legs around it or something?

A Stable

Picture this: you’re having a good time, but then all of a sudden, you feel a serious k-hole coming on. You’re about to lose connection to the outside world. As you stumble over, you land in something soft. It’s a pile of hay! You’re in your own little enclosure, safe from the elements and free to drool all over yourself. With your own personal stable, you can make this dream a reality. You can even drink from a trough and lick your new salt block!