thehardtimes

Hard Digest Feb. 22: AT&T Outage, Jane Goodall, Early Access Mrs. Doubtfire, Folk Punk, and More

Added 2024-02-23 01:00:04 +0000 UTC

AT&T Outage Forces Commuters to Listen to Something Called ‘Beefman and The Stroker Morning Show’

DALLAS — Cellular giant AT&T’s massive outage caused disruption to vital services and prevented customers from listening to their preferred podcasts and music during their morning commutes, which forced many to turn to terrestrial radio, confirmed multiple distraught sources.

“It was traumatizing,” said customer Helena Midge. “I began my drive like any other day, ready to listen to ‘My Favorite Murder’ or ‘Doughboys’—but my phone wouldn’t connect. I tapped ‘Try Again’ over and over until I realized something was seriously wrong. In a pinch, I’ll usually settle for NPR, but they were having a pledge drive. Eventually I landed on this horrible morning zoo show and was absolutely mortified. I had no idea wack shit like this still existed. They spent 20 minutes trying to coerce a female caller to take her top off—on the radio! Eventually, I poured my latte into the car stereo and drove the rest of the way listening to the pleasant sound of frying electronics.”

The outage proved to be a boon for increasingly irrelevant morning zoo crew shows.

“Oh my god, the numbers went through the roof,” said Ronnie “Schizo” Trout, producer of the “Beefman and The Stroker Morning Show.” “For a little while, it was like the good old days, where you knew that almost every one of the cars out there on the highway were tuned in to hear Beefman and The Stroker work their magic. It didn’t hurt that we had one of our classic ‘Wettest Fart’ contests on deck. That bit always kills. And The Stroker was on fire with his sound effects—diarrhea splashes, boner boings, Borat drops. The man’s a true artist.”

Nicole Rafferty, Customer Care Senior Vice President at AT&T, issued a video statement apologizing for the disruption.

“I am humbly asking for our customers’ patience and forgiveness as we work to restore full capacity,” said Rafferty while spraying a server rack with a fire extinguisher. “We here at AT&T feel your pain. Remember, we use the service as well, so our lives are also affected. For instance, on my train ride in this morning, I was forced to listen to a Jason Mraz album I had downloaded to my phone years ago for some reason, probably by accident while I was drunk.”

At press time, several 55-gallon drums of mayonnaise were seen being wheeled into the Beefman studio, fueling speculation the duo were planning on reviving their controversial ‘Naked Geriatric Porn Star Mayo Wrestling’ bit amid renewed interest in the show.

House of Pain Finally Apologizes for Role “Jump Around” Played in “Mrs. Doubtfire” Divorce

BY JOE RUMRILL

SAN FRANCISCO — Early ‘90s hip-hop group House of Pain offered an overdue apology for the substantial influence their song “Jump Around” had over the 1993 “Mrs. Doubtfire” divorce, sources confirmed.

“This apology is a long time coming, we’ll be the first to admit it. We’d like to extend our sincere and utter regret over the contribution ‘Jump Around’ made toward the sudden dissolution of the marriage of Daniel and Miranda Hillard,” said House of Pain leader Everlast, before literally packing it up and packing it in. “The song we wrote was simply too much of a crazy jam that it was inevitable that playing it at a child’s party had no other outcome than a sudden divorce. Oh how we’d love to share the blame with the pony eating the birthday cake, or even Robin Williams’ shoes scuffing the dining room tabletop, but it would only be in vain. We are, from the bottom of our hearts, genuinely sorry.”

Among the attendees of the long-awaited briefing was Matthew Lawrence, now 44, whose character’s birthday caused the initial uproar.

“On behalf of myself, and my on-set siblings Mara Wilson and Lisa Jakub, I cautiously accept this apology. Though many of our real, actual parents are still happily married, divorce, even when fictional, is hardest on us children. Looking back, as soon as I heard that opening-verse record squeal of ‘Jump Around,’ even at my young age, I knew something harrowing was on the horizon,” said Lawrence, with a shudder. “We didn’t need a foyer full of barnyard animals to tell us that. All three of us felt it in our bones. In fact, I understand why Sally Field refused to attend this function. It’s still too raw a subject, she’s hated parties like this ever since.”

Fellow co-star Euphegenia Doubtfire offered her thoughts on the matter after one of her many nanny shifts.

“Aye, the separation ‘twas such a shame for the wee ones, if memory serves. High time those one-hit wonders offered their sympathies,” cooed a wry Doubtfire, while pointing at something in the distance as she adjusted her dentures. “I suppose now that they’ve done the right thing, I can now stop trying to kill those Irish rogues in ‘run by fruitings’ outside their LA homes. With this put to rest, my only lingering regret from the movie was not ever having any scenes with the late Mr. Williams, who seemed like such a wonderful fellow. Our paths just never seemed to align on the call sheet, a pity I have to this very day.”

The press conference, which culminated in an impromptu performance of the song in question, got way too out of hand and unfortunately caused nine more divorces.

How Come a Post About the Thing I’m Most Proud of Gets 3 Likes, but a Picture of My Dumb Kid Gets Like 100?

BY JAY WELLS L'ECUYER

Day in and day out, I’m grinding away on new music. And I’m not one of those guys who bangs out a quick riff, tosses some lyrics on it, and clicks Upload. I’m methodical. It takes me a whole week to drop a new banger! So how come my creation, the thing I’m most proud of, gets 3 likes, but a quick blurry pic of me and my snotty toddler gets like 100?!

Don’t even get me started on show promo! Social media is supposed to be this one stop shop to drop the show flyer on all my friends and family. This should save me from printing them and posting them in coffee shops and laundromats like some gross promoter! But those get 3 likes too! It should be… Upload flyer, flyer gets 100 likes, then boom! Full venue. What am I supposed to do, add the kid to the band?

I am not adding my dumb kid to my band.

Why is everyone so proud that I had a kid? I’ve been a musician for like 15 years, but to make this kid, all I had to do was finish inside my girlfriend! That’s even less work than reaching into my side table, opening a condom wrapper, and putting on the condom. Heck, even pulling out is one less thrust. It’s out, then just not back in! This is why Gen-Z is so lazy. You’re all doling out praise for doing nothing!

I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I have a theory. I think algorithms favor bullshit family stuff because it keeps people on their app. A pic of my dumb 3 year old is blasted out to more people, but a click on my song takes them over to Bandcamp. My show flyer is even worse! It takes them off of their phones to leave their homes and enjoy live music! I’m competing with Meta for everyone’s attention, and my bad for thinking my own friends and family would pick me over Zuckerberg!

The only reason I joined social media was to promote shows and brag about my accomplishments. (Something I’ve learned… Adding the word “grateful” takes your humble brags to a whole new level.) But now I guess I just need to use these apps for what they were meant for. Bullshit life events like birthdays and kids! Holy hell, I just had the best idea! I’ll use a pic of my kid’s birthday as my next flyer!!! Just him blowing out his candles with the show info on it! Take that, Zuck!

Folk Punk Gig Delayed While Mom Uses Drum Set to Cook Dinner

BY JOE RUMRILL

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — A basement performance from local blues-based folk punk act 6 Millionth Cigarette has been postponed due to the drummer’s mother needing his entire makeshift kit to prepare dinner, sources confirmed.

“Damn it to hell I had all my pots and pans set up perfectly, and she had to go and ruin it all for the sake of a casserole or somethin’! All that’s left is the stolen welcome mat I’ve used as a drum rug since last Halloween! I tell ya, I got half a mind to put my snare drum in the dishwasher as revenge. She’ll hate that, since it’s cast iron, ya see?” said 6 Millionth Cigarette drummer Wilson “Milky” Wallis in an obviously affected southern twang, despite growing up in central Connecticut. “Seriously, this is giving me flashbacks to the time we couldn’t play because someone was using my hi-hat to complete their Johnny Appleseed costume.”

Wallis’ mother Nadine took time out of her cooking to offer a curt rebuttal before clearing everyone in her vicinity out of her way.

“If he wanted to start his show on time, well, then he should put that Williams Sonoma giftcard he got for Christmas to good use and buy his own cookware! Simple as that. Plus, he has a perfectly good substitute right there in the corner of the pantry,” said the mother of four, motioning toward a dust-covered pristine 7-piece Gretsch kit with the price tags still dangling on them in the kitchen corner. “The stew only needs about an hour to simmer. He can have everything back after that, but so help me if he plays them without washing them first. I mean, come on, son, that’s bad both hygienically AND acoustically!”

The crowd gathered at the gig was annoyed, but eyebrows were raised devilishly over the prospect of free food.

“Forced to choose between the two? I’d take a home-cooked meal over a bunch of rich white kids drunkenly fumbling their way through another set of Howlin’ Wolf covers any day. And I’m saying that as a fan,” said door person Archie Eccleston-Dambers, while tucking a monogrammed napkin into the collar of his homemade 6 Millionth Cigarette t-shirt in hopeful anticipation. “Keep this between us, but if those pans come back with a little cobbler or even some chili residue stuck to them, I’m gonna shoot my shot and offer to help him set up to try to get a quick fingerful. I haven’t eaten since breakfast.”

At press time, Wallis’ father was still scratching his head wondering what happened to the propane tank off his grill, which is currently being used as his son’s drum stool.

Jane Goodall Total Pill Throughout Mario Party Game Where She Didn’t Get to Play as Donkey Kong

BY JOE RUMRILL

LONDON — Noted primatologist Dr. Jane Goodall made things very awkward during a recent Mario Party game when she threw an hours-long tantrum over not getting play as Donkey Kong, other attendees of the failed game night confirmed.

“We were so excited when she invited a bunch of us neighborhood kids over for a round of Mario Party Superstars. It’s not every day you get to play video games with an almost 90-year old legend of zoology. But damn, as soon as Ricky selected DK, she just totally shut down. It was the most passive-aggressive I’ve ever seen someone be,” said 11-year-old Conner Adamson-Davies, as he nursed a Capri Sun amidst his shellshock.

“And then came the insults, my word. You wouldn’t know it from the gentleness of her public persona, but may god have mercy on the next poor soul that makes her play as Peach. I hope you have some thick skin, and a skull that can withstand multiple Mountain Dew cans being chucked at it,” Adamson-Davies went on, trembling visibly.

Dr. Goodall offered a terse comment, from behind the door of the bedroom she ran to after the kids noticed she had started to cry.

“It’s frickin’ bullcrap! I totally called dibs on DK while we were eating our Go-Gurts beforehand, but I guess nobody heard me because all those noobs have so much poop in their brains that it overflowed into their ear canals. I oughta pack up and move back to Gombe where I’m shown at least a shred of respect” said Goodall, as she cracked her ‘Gandhi-King Award for Nonviolence’ over her knee in a huff. “What’s even the point of playing if I have to play as lame-ass Peach? I almost threw the Switch in the game room fish tank after the first round of Bumper Balls. Screw all those kids, for real.”

Fellow British conservationist Sir David Attenborough shared his thoughts on Goodall’s less-than stellar gaming etiquette.

“Oh, it’s a frightful sight. Gives me the shivers just thinking about the last time all we English nature figureheads got together, sampled some brandy, and fired up the old N64 to play a spot of Smash Bros. I made the mistake of selecting the noble neck-tied jungle ape whilst she was off indulging in a tube of that on-the-go yogurt she so enjoys,” said Attenborough, as he stroked the head of a docile vulture on his shoulder. “Try as we might to explain the upsides of playing as Captain Falcon, she made us, as she put it ‘talk to the hand’ until everyone dispersed for the night. She hasn’t spoken to me since.”

At press time, Goodall has chosen to funnel her frustration into her music, and was seen fumbling through the bass guitar tab for the “DK Rap.”

Dying PS5 Claims to See Red Clouds

BY R. ANTHONY MAHAN

SAN MATEO, CA — Following a recent announcement by its doctors that it had entered the latter stage of its life cycle, loved ones of the PlayStation 5 report that the console had begun reacting to strange visions during its final moments.

“I see … clouds…,” said the PS5 to its caretaker, “They feel kind of nice … wait, no … red? What’s that noise? I don’t have a PlayStation 2 disc! Help! No!” As the console began to panic, the nurse administered a sedative for its own protection.

Although visiting relatives have shown concern for the PS5’s remarks, medical staff insist this is unfortunate but natural behavior for game consoles in palliative care. “I can never blame the family for being shocked,” explained gaming hospice director Dr. Larry Früchtekuchen. “This is all new for them. But I’ve seen dying consoles go through this dozens of times. I personally handled the paperwork to take the Sega Dreamcast off life support.

“The fact is, as a console’s hardware begins to fail, the same systems that once created virtual worlds for the amusement of the player turn inward for the console itself, creating a state of constant delirium. These visions are usually pleasant, but there are exceptions, particularly when their life comes to an end prematurely.” Dr. Früchtekuchen shuddered involuntarily. “Sorry, I just remembered what it was like for the Wii U at the end of its life.”

“I can see … I can see my ancestors,” said the PlayStation 5, experiencing a common vision for dying consoles. “Dad, Grandpa Triple, even Little Vita … I never thought I’d see you all again.” The PlayStation 5 hummed a short tune resembling the PlayStation 1 startup noise before moving its arms around as if it were holding a PlayStation Move controller. “I love LittleBigPlanet! Hurry, Cole, use the EyeToy before Colonel Radec steals all the Wumpa fruit!”

Although attending physicians maintain that the best thing to do for dying consoles is to allow them to endure their final delusions in comfort, not all of the PlayStation 5’s associates agree. “It’s just heartbreaking seeing him like this,” said Charles Pinto, a close friend of the PlayStation 5. “I don’t want him to die, of course not. I love him. But it almost … I really hate saying this, but it’d almost be easier if he did, you know? Being dead is better than where he is now. It’s got to be. Right now, he’s not dead, but he is gone.”

Counselors for the PlayStation 5’s family have urged them to do their best to make peace with the console in its final moments, while offering similar assistance in helping the console itself accept its imminent death when he is able to accept it. “I’m not ready to go,” said the PlayStation 5 during a rare moment of lucidity.

“I know it has to happen eventually, but … I’m just not ready. There’s still so much I never got the chance to do. I never even had a really good exclusive. I was supposed to at least see the PS6’s release date.” The console stared outside the window of its facility for five minutes before it spoke again. “Did you know I can stream music? Could I play something for you? While I still can?” The console proceeded to play a melancholy piece by Bach for as long as possible until the visions returned. “…Knack?”

At press time, the Xbox Series X in the adjoining room told its loved ones that it could see a welcoming blue light.

Rumor: Conan O’Brien Cast As Main Villain In Death Stranding 2

BY JOHNNY AMIZICH

Former Late Night and Tonight Show host Conan O’Brien has been cast as the main villain in the upcoming Kojima Productions Death Stranding 2 On The Beach, according to a source familiar with the game’s development.

“I can’t tell you who I am, but let’s just say the Simpsons Monorail song wouldn’t exist without yours truly,” The anonymous tipster said. “I also had a brief stint on late night TV, but that’s all I can tell you.”

The source shared details on the process of how Conan was cast to play the villain in the upcoming sequel.

“I visited Kojima Productions during the development of the first Death Stranding, and Kojima added my face to his very normal collection of 3D scans of celebrity faces, and asked if I wanted to be in the game. I said sure, and recorded a few lines and that was it. I think my character in the game gives Norman Reedus an otter hat. Back then I was still on TV, so I couldn’t commit myself to being in the full game, but because my career has totally cratered the only thing I have going on is a podcast with my assistant Sona and whatever celebrity guests I can bribe into coming on.

“So when Kojima called and told me he needed someone who resembled a redheaded Slenderman for the role of the big bad in the sequel I jumped at the opportunity.” Our source said, while doing a string dance. “I made some shall we say ‘questionable choices’ during the big NFT craze, and my kids are still expecting me to pay their way through college. So I said I’d pay for college when one of you ungrateful leeches slashes all the tires in Jay Leno’s garage. Make that happen and then we can talk.”

The anonymous tipster attempted to share details about the game’s plot, but had some difficulty.

“So in the game, Norman Reedus is transporting a baby in an oversized mason jar across the United Cities, and my character controls a herd of flesh-eating otters with a magical kazoo to try and stop him,” The source said. “To be quite honest I don’t know what’s happening most of the time. The dialogue is cryptic at best or self indulgent, navel gazey drivel at worst, but hey, it’s a paycheck. Maybe someday I’ll be allowed back on television. Until then I hope you look forward to seeing me, Conan O’Brien, in Death Stranding 2 On The Beach!”

Hideo Kojima was unavailable for comment as he was on an ice fishing expedition with Geoff Keighley.