thehardtimes

Hard Digest 02/19: Trump Shows, Early Access Trust Funds, Dragons, and Helldivers 2

Added 2024-02-20 01:00:05 +0000 UTC

Bootlicker Seamlessly Transitions to Trump Sneaker Licker

NEW WINDSOR, Md. — Longtime cop enthusiast Lou Mandin seamlessly transitioned from a locally known bootlicker to a Trump sneaker licker after purchasing the former president’s new footwear for $399, sources confirmed.

“Believe me, if cops had an official line of sneaker I would own a dozen of them. Until then I will simply continue to donate 40% of my paycheck to my local enforcement by slipping it under their door in the middle of the night out of respect,” said Mandin. “Everyone tells me I’m a sucker for buying these gold sneakers. But would a sucker also have several MAGA hats, ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ shirts, Trump NFT, imitation Mar-a-Lago classified documents, Trump beach towel, a ‘Hillary for Prison’ flag displayed above his mantle, and a life-size painting of a shirtless and jacked Trump riding a velociraptor while firing two machine guns into the air? I don’t think so. Some people show their political support by voting. I do it by wearing the presidential candidate’s high-tops. Also, I’m not even registered to vote, so this is the best I can do.”

Acquaintances of Mandin were concerned with his willingness to hand over that amount of money for something so trivial.

“What a sad excuse for a human being,” said longtime coworker James Hedway. “You’re telling me this guy spent 400 bucks because the 45th president of the United States told him to? What a tool. That money could’ve been spent more wisely. For instance, he could’ve used that cash on a $100,000 philosophy degree like I did. Sure, I haven’t been able to use it as a career no matter how much I tried for a couple of weeks, but at least he’d have critical thinking skills like I do now. Only three more decades to pay this loan off. Seriously, what an idiot that guy is.”

Experts wondered why extolling authority at all costs seemed to be selective.

“Typically, conservatives admire authority figures on the local level as much as they do on the federal one, despite routinely feigning disdain for the government,” said political strategist Louisa Burbank. “They claim they don’t like to be told what to do, but they’ll certainly buy whatever they’re told to. It’s like they adore authority until they’re asked to wear a mask in public because it might help someone from spreading an illness that kills people. Then they’ll lose their minds. Scientists are still trying to decode the cognitive dissonance there.”

At press time, Mandin was seen printing out a Google image of Trump’s new sneaker to look at while he awaited for them to arrive.

Metal Musician Writes Moving Song About Girlfriend If She Was a Dragon

BY CORY COUSINS

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Local metal musician Draven Whitlock revealed this week that he completed a touching song combining his two greatest desires; an eternal relationship with his girlfriend and fucking a dragon, sources close to the passionate songwriter confirm.

“Sure, my girlfriend is great in her basic human form,” noted Whitlock. “She works tirelessly for a non-profit helping people in the community for little pay, has a great sense of humor, and shows me unconditional affection and love on a regular basis. But does she breathe fire and have huge sexy dragon tits? No. This ballad is a tale of love and what could be. It tells the story of a brave knight, who I loosely based on myself, scaling a mythic mountain to seduce the dragon. The mountain is loosely based on her old apartment which was at the top of a big hill, and then I had to walk up four flights of stairs.”

Upon completion of the fantastical composition, Whitlock performed the song for his girlfriend Jesse McDaniels.

“I’ve always been super-supportive of Draven and his musical endeavors, but this one kinda hit me on a personal level,” admitted McDaniels. “So like when he wrote, ‘Forged from Hell, Your fiery gaze empales, Our love but a dream, As I bust all over your scales,’ I couldn’t help but feel somewhat inadequate. I suppose I could get some horns surgically implanted or dragon wings tattooed on my shoulder blades, but this is all getting a little tiresome. I tried taking a glass to learn how to breathe fire but ended up burning off my eyebrows, so I’m kind of over this.”

Dr. Ingrid Axelsson says being in a relationship with a metal musician can be difficult.

“I see the same story play out over and over again,” said Dr. Axelsson. “It seems to be a common thread amongst metal musicians to anthropomorphize their loved ones in order to live out some lascivious fantasy. For example, I once had a former client who wanted to change her husband into some kind of half-man, half-Cthulhu creature. Patently ridiculous, of course. The tentacles alone would be highly impractical and cumbersome in the bedroom. My advice to their partners is simple. Run as fast as you can!”

At press time, Whitlock apologized to McDaniels and promised to modify the song to be about a more physically attainable creature such as a pixie or mermaid.

Fuck: Team Lead Wants To Make Meetings Fun

BY CHARLES BILL

Shit. This is bad. We just had the first of our daily stand-ups with the new team lead, and he’s trying really hard to make meetings fun.

I’ve been worried about this for a long time. Our old team lead simply pulled up the agenda and made us talk about what we did the previous day. I didn’t know about any of my coworkers’ pets, family, ambitions, hopes, or dreams. And we were all so happy. Now the new guy is asking about our weekends and waiting for us to answer. It’s a fucking nightmare man, I just want to grimace through the meeting and make it back to my cubicle to play Tetris.

I don’t have that many fun facts about myself and he keeps asking. Guess what Greg, my life isn’t fun it’s fucking miserable—that’s why I work in software engineering. And honestly, I’m starting to question the fun of these other facts. Having six pets isn’t fun Angela, it’s concerning.

I walked past the meeting room and saw him writing topics on Post-It Notes and dropping them into a bowl. Sure enough, later in the meeting, I had to reach my hand down and talk about my best time on vacation. I swear this man is going to absolutely crash morale with his attempts to make us mildly sociable.

I wore a Chargers shirt one day and I can’t hear the end of it. Every Monday I have to listen to another playful ribbing about Justin Herbert and Brandon Staley. I don’t even watch football, my aunt from LA just sent me the shirt for Christmas. If this jackass tries to take a genuine interest in something else from my life I’m going to snap.

At the end of the day, he’s just trying to be our friend. And that is something I absolutely cannot forgive. It’s not what I signed up for, it should be illegal, and I’m looking for a new job immediately.

Vocalist With Trust Fund Opens Show With “What the Fuck Is up, Williams-Sonoma?!”

BY REUBEN BLANCHARD

CALABASAS, Calif. — Shoppers at The Commons were treated to the stylings of local hardcore band xMOSTxSINCERESTx, who opened their set in the shopping center’s popular destination for high-quality cookware and home decor with a welcoming, “What the fuck is up, Williams-Sonoma?!,” delighted sources confirmed.

“Hardcore is for everyone,” said the band’s vocalist and heir to the Worthington Biotech fortune, Harris Worthington III. “I mean it. Regardless of whether you grew up on the streets or whether you, let’s just say as a totally random example, have a grandfather who made his fortune selling chemical weapons to various warlords and dictators throughout the world and then invested that war profiteering into DNA sequencing, thereby ensuring his lineage will live in height if luxury til the end of time. Either way, we’re all part of the same scene, and anyone who says differently is a gatekeeping, which is way worse than anything my ancestors did.”

As shoppers entered the store they were greeted by the band’s roadie, Doug Lincoln, who insisted everyone, including Williams-Sonoma employees, pay the $5 cover.

“Honestly I thought we were donating to children in need,” said Katrina Paige, a local shopper, “But that’s ok because I support the arts. It’s certainly not the music I’m used to hearing in there. But seeing and smelling all those tattooed folks doing karate moves really added a new and different ambiance to the place. And the aggressive yet positive and nondescript lyrics really got me in the mood to not only buy a new crepe pan but also get a pasta crimping tool with a marble handle! Plus I learned what a ‘Wall of Death’ is. So that was neat”.

Longtime members of the Southern California punk scene were not surprised by the event.

“I think this gonna become pretty commonplace,” said scene veteran and punk historian Brad “Torture” Chambers. “As more and more punk spaces and music venues in general get closed down, bands are having to find more unique settings to play. And it seems to all be relative to where the band feels comfortable performing. I heard Revocation is playing at the Dunkin’ in Glendale on Wednesday. Cannibal Corpse played Target last month. Even Turnstile has a set scheduled this weekend at the Urban Outfitters at the PacSun in The Galleria. I didn’t even know those existed anymore.”

At press time, Harris Worthington III was heard on the phone outside of the band’s 2024 Mercedes Sprinter van trying to book a show at Erewhon.

New Law Prohibits Giving Food or Drink to Players Waiting to Play Helldivers 2

BY MATT FRESH

WASHINGTON DC — A new federal law inspired by similar legislation in Georgia is set to make waiting to play Helldivers 2 even more difficult, as it is now illegal to hand out food or drinks to those in line for the servers to open.

Georgia Governor Brian Kemp explained the rationale behind the law in a press statement.

“This is about maintaining the integrity of the game. We only want people of the strongest will to be Helldivers,” he said. “If they can’t handle the agonizing wait times then they should go do something else, we don’t want them. Giving them food or drinks empowers them to stay in line which keeps the servers full and eventually fills the game with undesirables.”

Many players are reportedly okay with this law as it means they’re more likely to get to play.

“Helldivers are the only thing defending freedom and democracy from the bugs and robots, we only want the best on the battlefield,” said player RedPilledFreedom84. “I don’t want to be fighting alongside weak specimens who can’t handle the wait. This law not only ensures that desirable gamers get to play but it suppresses people we don’t want from playing with us.”

Some players feel this law is a form of discrimination.

“They are doing this as an attack on players they feel are less worthy of defending managed democracy. Players that do not meet their standards of the perfect Helldiver. They want to make our wait as agonizing as possible in the hopes we quit. That’s what this is about, but it won’t work. I implore anyone who is in line to play to stay in line, we will get to play,” said player BugKilla.

At press time, anyone caught breaking the new law will reportedly be sent to the Ministry of Truth for reeducation.

Opinion: Mom Says It’s My Turn With the Helldivers 2 Server

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BY NICK COFFMAN ON FEBRUARY 19, 2024

Mom told me to come in here and tell all 326,893 of you to get off the Helldiver II server. You’ve been playing all day and it’s my turn to play.

If you say, “Game is full, try again” again, I will scream at the top of my lungs until mom comes in and makes you all get off. Don’t try handing me the two-player controller, either. I know that trick now. The batteries are dead. Helldivers 2 doesn’t even have that kind of two-player mode.

It’s my game anyway. You didn’t even want to play it until all your stupid friends were talking about it. Now you think you’re all cool talking about “spreading managed democracy.” Maybe I want to spread democracy with my friends? You’re not even playing it right. You and your dumb friends keep blowing each other up on purpose.

No, I won’t go, “play Palworld and wait my turn.” That game is old and my friends don’t even play it anymore. I wouldn’t even know how to play it cause you hogged that too. You’re all just a bunch of game hogs and no one likes you. Not even mom and dad.

I Put $50,000 in a Shoe Box and Handed It to a Stranger Because He Said He Could Get Me Into Helldivers 2

BY KELLEY GREENE

I never thought I was the type of person to fall for a scam.

I had been sitting at the Helldivers 2 loading screen for 90 minutes, waiting to get in. Then, I received a call. The person on the other end of the line told me they could get me into Helldivers 2. It’d cost me, but he claimed he was already in the game and could send me an invite from his account.

He seemed to know a lot about me — my address, my phone number, and even my Steam profile name. That threw me. But once he sent an in-game screenshot, I knew this guy had to be the real deal.

All I had to do was get him $50,000 in cash. I’d just stay on the phone with him, and he’d walk me through it every step of the way.

First, I headed straight to the bank to withdraw $50,000 from my trust fund. It was a gift from my grandmother. Sure, she wanted it to help with college, or a wedding, or a downpayment on a house. But she also said she wanted me to be happy. And right now? Nothing would make me happier than getting to actually play Helldivers 2.

Next, I had to put the money into a shoe box. Lucky for me, I’ve been using one as a monitor stand for the last 4 years. I pulled it off my desk and stuffed the money inside.

I stayed on the phone with the stranger. “Go outside,” he instructed. “A driver will pull up and open the back window. Do not look at the driver or talk to him. Put the box through the window, say ‘thank you,’ and go back to your PC.”

About 5 minutes later, a 2008 silver Toyota Camry with one black quarter panel pulled up and rolled down the back window. I tossed the shoebox into the dog hair-covered back seat amongst a pile of empty Bawls cans. The windows were tinted, so I couldn’t see the driver. I said “Thanks man, can’t wait to play!” as the car drove away.

I went back to my computer, waiting for an invite that never came. Then I discovered he’d hung up, and that’s when it hit me — I’d been scammed. I started to realize that maybe I’m not unique in this situation, and several friends felt strongly that if the scammer hadn’t mentioned Helldivers 2 I probably wouldn’t have fallen for this. I would do — or pay — anything to get into Helldivers 2.

For now, I’ll call in sick tomorrow and try to play at 9:30 AM on a weekday.

Gamer Moves Back to Hometown and Reconnects with High School Console

BY NICK COFFMAN

SALEM, IL – Tired of life in the big city and fanning the flames of the console war, 30-year-old Stan Franks moved back to his hometown and started playing his childhood Xbox 360 again, Franks confirmed via an Xbox 360 party chat.

“Yeah, I’m playing my 360 again. I just forgot how easy things were back then,” Franks lamented into the microphone. “I wasn’t browsing company earnings to prove my console was the best. I wasn’t quote tweeting some CEO with a snarky comment about their console not having enough exclusives. I was just playing Call of Duty and getting called every slur in the book.”

Franks went on to share some of his favorite memories with his high school console.

“I’ll never forget the all-nighter to beat the Gears 2 campaign. I was so tired. Or shotgunning through five solo players to unlock the Overkill achievement in Halo 3. All those midnight releases, my 360 waited up all night for me to come home,” Franks said, trying not to choke up. “All these years later, this console is still surprising me. You remember that Yaris game? I booted it up the other day. It’s terrible, but we love it.”

Things took a sad turn as Franks speculated the longevity of this rekindled love.

“My 360 isn’t doing well,” Franks shared between sniffles. “It’s wrapped in a towel and everything is fine now, but there’s no telling when things will take a turn. I’m not going to obsess over time lost or wasted. I’m going to focus on right now and enjoy what time we have left together. You never know when your last ‘goodbye’ is going to be.”

At press time Franks had not responded to our last two Xbox party chat invites.