thehardtimes

Hard Digest Feb. 18: Early Access Arpeggios, Patches, and More

Added 2024-02-19 01:00:06 +0000 UTC

Punk Sews Slightly Larger Patch Over Canceled Band’s Logo

BALTIMORE — Local punk Ricky Turnbull disavowed disgraced pop punk band Finisher’s Medal by covering their once-prominent patch on his jacket with a slightly larger one bearing a less problematic band’s logo, sources preparing a defamation lawsuit report.

“Look, the allegations against Finisher’s Medal are horrifying, but I stand by my handiwork,” Turnbull said while bandaging his fingers. “I’m not taking a seam ripper to that shit. I don’t even have a seam ripper. My local Michael’s hasn’t had them in stock for weeks and I’m not caving to the fascists at Hobby Lobby. Supporting the local scene is always the best move, especially when a band’s name alone has enough characters to cover my old patch. We’re all just trying to survive out here.”

Turnbull’s roommate Mike Weathers, on the other hand, criticized the cover-up as performative and poorly stitched.

“Ricky technically still wears his Finisher’s Medal patch, so he never actually turned on them,” Weathers said while taking a seam ripper to another canceled band’s merchandise. “Mark my words, as soon as those assholes win their defamation suit, his new patch is going to fall right off if it hasn’t already. I’m not buying his excuses about the seam ripper either. True punks don’t buy seam rippers. We shoplift them from Hobby Lobby the way God intended.”

Guitarist and merch expert Sophie Wilson, who sold Turbull his conveniently-sized new patch, encourages more bands to release larger patches for fans in need of cover-ups.

“Studies of my sales show that whenever a band gets canceled, I make money,” Wilson said while counting dollar bills. “We rake in even more cash when it’s cold out and people have no choice but to wear their jackets to shows. It can be hard to choose between dying of frostbite or having an awkward conversation about how you’re wearing a canceled band’s patch, but buying a brand new patch from me will fix that. Well, not a Brand New patch. My band is called Mary Shelley Duvall and we’ve never done anything wrong.”

At press time, sources spotted Turnbull scouring merch tables for an even larger patch after learning members of Mary Shelley Duvall allegedly went to Starbucks in secret.

I’m My Own Biggest Critic, And I Fuckin’ Rock!

BY JAY WELLS L'ECUYER

Look, I totally understand that once I release my music, it’s subject to scrutiny. But before you pass judgment, just know that my songs have already survived the toughest of gauntlets… me. Nobody is more critical of me than me, and because I also happen to be an authority on good music, my opinion has transformed from subjective to objective. So now, I can objectively say that I might just be the best goddamn musician this world has ever known.

I know what you’re thinking… Every musician thinks that their music is the best music. And you’re right. It’s sad. Think about it. There can only be one “best,” so how can thousands of losers think they’re even close to approaching peak greatness? Every time I hear some idiot’s new song, I think, “Well, that definitely needs more time in the oven.” There might be a good riff or a decent lyric, but they clearly didn’t master composition like me. If they’re seriously okay with releasing a rough draft, then they shouldn’t be “composing” music in the first place.

And I’m not just some judgmental jerk who craps on everyone else’s work. I also hold myself to music’s overall standard of greatness. I just happen to be killing it. What can I say? I cracked the code on what makes a great song, then I checked all the boxes. It wasn’t easy. If it was easy, any tool could do it. It took me two whole weeks of constant rewrites, tone auditions, and painstaking tweaks in Pro Tools till I was finally ready to release a new song.

After that grueling fortnight of damaging self-talk from my practically demonic inner critic, my confidence definitely took a hit. I’m a lot more humble these days. But after giving the new song another spin, I think it was all totally worth it.

Don’t let its lack of streams fool you. We all know that the best music isn’t appreciated until years after the artist dies. And the algorithm just favors people who pump out content. It’s all a numbers game. Everyone else can crap out those half-cooked collections of words and notes they call songs to get their dopamine fixes, but I’ve been toiling away, achieving perfection. So there you have it. Knowing what you know now, if you listen to my new song and have the slightest bit of judgment, I can objectively say that you clearly just don’t know what good music even is!

Guitarist Kicked Out of Punk Band for Using Words Like “Arpeggio”

BY BEX KANE

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Guitarist Leo “Injustice” Murphy was recently ejected from his former band, skate-punk outfit Lincoln’s Foreskin, over an incident where his use of technical musical language incensed his bandmates.

“Yeah, it’s all just the most heinous fucking kind of insipid bullshit,” said Murphy while destroying his books on music theory. “Sure, I can talk like a goddamn baby and say ‘the thing where you play out the notes of a chord one at a time,’ but why would I? We have a word for it. I think people take the wonders of language for granted, and I can’t get behind it. I think we should use all the various tools for self-expression that we have at our disposal. Plus, it’s not even that fancy of a word. It fucking sucks that I’m losing the income from playing shows, too. Now I’m stuck trying to offload weak Ketamine on community college students to make a few extra bucks.”

Lincoln’s Foreskin drummer Marie Yang gave her side of the story regarding Murphy’s departure.

“Look, if I wanted to be talked down to, I’d start a band with my dickhole brother. If you want me to speed up, just tell me to speed up,” said Yang while sulkily hitting her vape near a dumpster behind a Chili’s. “You want me to slow down, tell me to slow down. Leo was actually pretty hateful about that one. I’m not some music grad, I’m just in a punk band, and I wanna talk like I’m in a punk band. Say loud, say quiet, don’t make some shit up. Fucking pretentious asshole.”

Kelly Loeb, a violist with the Chicago Philharmonic, provided some expert insight from the perspective of an actual bonafide musician.

“I’m not totally sure I actually understand what the problem is here, but I’ll do my best. So, yeah, an arpeggio is a deconstructed chord. You play the individual notes that would make up the chord in sequence, instead of simultaneously. It’s very common in guitar music; I can’t think of any reason it would cause so much trouble in some shitty local rock band,” said Loeb apprehensively. “I hope this helps, but like I said, I’m not really sure I understand your question or why you’re so intent on bothering me about an idiot I’ve never met.”

At press time, when asked for comment, Murphy simply said that he “still won’t play fucking mathcore.”